I had an interview on Thursday Oct 20...as I went to bed the night before the interview and started thinking. (That is something I should not do sometimes.) I was not nervous about the interview itself, I was upset that I HAVE to move on with life. I was laying there feeling this paralyzing pain that I don't even know how to describe...I started to feel like I could not breath...then I felt like I didn't even want to breath...then I started to be mad about the fact that I have no choice! I do not have a choice but to work. So here I am thinking about the fact that my life is so abnormal compared to most people my age. The fact that most of this in not a choice for me now...it upsets me sometimes. Then I think about what I wanted in life, I wanted to be a wife & mother and stay at home with my kids so that I was the one to raise them...not someone else. Well that is just not my life, and I even said that I wanted to finish my degree so that one day if I HAD to support myself and possibly children by myself that I would be able to do so. Here I am no children but a degree in which I will be able to support myself. Thank God for the fact that I did finish undergrad in order for me to have a degree so that I am able to make more money so that I can support myself and be able to pay medical bills from the day that my husband died and the rest of the debt that is piled up.
I am thankful that I will be able to earn the money that I need...however I am not happy about the direction that my life has taken.