Sunday, April 29, 2012

Update on being healthy

4:30am comes very early especially when you are exercising at that crazy hour of the day. I was able to do a walking work out Monday-Thursday this week. I would have done it on Friday and Saturday also but I found out that I have a sinus infection. I was feeling awful on Thursday but I tried to go to work on Friday anyway and sure enough I was not able to make it through the entire day. I went to the doctor and she put me on antibiotics and told me to rest. I have been taking the meds and resting, however I still don't feel much better. Please pray that these symptoms go away soon as I need to work tomorrow. Also pray that I start back to exercising once this infection goes away.

On the spiritual side...

I have been praying more and I now feel closer to God. I now understand that it was me that was not close to God not Him moving away from me. I still need to work on reading His word more. I want to seek Him in everything I do and in all areas of my life. I ONLY want what HE wants for me. Please pray that I seek His will no matter what and that I find the time to read His word more often.

On the creative side...

Still have not felt like doing ANYTHING creative. I guess this will just take lots of time to get back to my creative side. Please keep praying that my creative abilities come back in some form.

Thank you all for your prayers and are very much appreciated!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Moving step at a time

As I watched Grey's Anatomy from this week it was an entire episode about letting go and moving on. I think in a sense I have been "stuck" in my grief. I just want to feel bad, I want everyone to feel bad with me, I don't want to let him go. I have felt like moving on is a way of dishonoring him. This view is starting to change though. I know that nothing will ever take away the relationship or the love that Jimmy and I shared. I am realizing that not only will that never be able to be taken away from me but also that it was a huge gift from God! Jimmy loved me in such a way that most women never see in their life. I am so blessed to have been able to have such an amazing husband and also such an amazing love.

I feel that the Lord is showing me ways in which I can move and a little at a time. As I cleaned the bathroom this weekend I realized that I had not really moved any of my "things" to Jimmy's side of the sink. I had already taken Jimmy's "things" off of the counter but I had left it left with only the things such as tissues and paper towels that we both used. So as I cleaned the counter off I made sure to move my "things" to both sides. It was very strange to dry my hair on "his" side of the sink. It is even weird to put anything on that side of the sink. But I did it and my life in not over, I didn't even cry (that was a huge surprise) HE gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding.

I went to use the grill this weekend also and was not able to use it. I opened it up and cleaned out the old ashes and noticed a hole in the bottom of the grill and I thought to myself "I need to get a new grill this year." Then once I started to put the charcoal into the grill the bottom fell out. This was the grill that Jimmy and I got before we got married in which he made many, many fires in. He loved to start the fire and he even tried to cook on the grill. Oh how he loved the food that we cooked on the grill. Now I will need to start a new season with a new grill.

My phone was acting up, it would drop calls all the time, the battery would not really keep a charge and it was time to upgrade anyway. So I went to the mall into the apple store to see what iPhone I could get at a discounted price. So I broke down and get the iPhone...I even got the newest one because I can speak to it and it will write my text message, my email and so on. This also made me cancel the home phone since I had to add the data plan to the cell phone. I can just see Jimmy now shaking his head at me, when we talked about him getting an iPhone it just did not work financially. The hard part is that I had to give up the last texts that Jimmy sent to me in the old phone :( But as I use the new phone everything is ok. I have not even cried about it yet. Thank the Lord that HE gave me the peace while using the new phone.

In all this has been a very productive weekend, not only going to the eye doctor and the primary care doctor but also making huge steps in moving on. I am so thankful to the Lord for helping me to see all of this in a different light. Instead of seeing this as something awful that I will never get past HE is giving me a perspective of seeing my marriage as a precious gift HE gave me for 2 years & 45 days. There is a reason that God took Jimmy from this earth, even if I can't see or understand that reason I am resting in the fact that He is God and I am NOT! He is in control and I am not and never will be. This life is HIS and I want to serve Him in every way that I can. If I had to go through this pain in order to fulfill His purpose in my life then so be it. Does it make the pain go away for! Will there be times when the grief overwhelms me again...yes! But I know that He is God and I am not...He will work all of this together for my good NO MATTER WHAT! He is changing me in so many ways that would not have been possible if I had not gone through this pain and for that I am very thankful.  

Friday, April 20, 2012

Back at it again...getting healthy

Update on getting healthy:

After my 2 mile walk outside 2 weeks ago my heart was racing for at least an hour after. So I went to see the Dr. today. She told me that it is still safe to exercise but to ensure that I slowly build up to make sure that I am not putting too much stress on my heart. So I think that for the next month I will be doing my in-home walking video or taking a short walk outside.

As for food choices...I have been doing pretty well. Going into the clearance Easter candy aisle was a huge mistake last week though. Please keep my in your prayers as I seek to not even bring the sweets into the house. When it comes to chocolate I have zero will power. I have been thinking about doing a fast. I am thinking that I might eat only veggies, beans, rice and dairy for at least a week. I think that my body could use a fast of sugar/starch, I think this will also help me to not crave sugar so much also. Please keep that in your prayers as well, that if this is what the Lord wants me to do that He will show me clearly.

As for creativity...I got my colored pencils in but have yet to use them. I have been cooking more though which is also an outlet for creativity for me. I made Saag Paneer this week and it turned out great. It was the first time that I made it and I am happy with how well it turned out. Who knows it just might be a staple if I start the fast :)

The Spiritual side...I have been slacking on reading the Bible daily and even praying. Please keep praying for me to seek the Lord no matter what and even if it means that I have to get up early. Please pray that the Lord would give me the strength to get through each day, that I seek the Lord in all I do and for safety as I start exercising on a regular basis.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

9 Months down and a lifetime to go...

       WOW...I can't believe it has been 9 months! I know that to most this seems like a long time. I understand that mostly everyone else is over grieving for my wonderful husband. I know that there are people out there that "know" that I am done grieving. Well I promise you I am NOT done grieving, I am not sure I ever will be fully over this. There are certain things that I will "get over" then there are other things that will never be the same.

       As for the things that I will someday "get over" that has started to happen. It is becoming easier to go to bed without him beside me, I have started to cry less often, I have started to be able to pack up his belongings, I have been able to paint the bedrooms, I have been able to change some things on what was our bedroom & I have been able to think about memories and not just cry due to sadness and anger. The last thing that I stated is the biggest accomplishment I think. In the past 9 months I could not even think about memories of Jimmy without having a complete breakdown.

       In the past month I have been able to think of some memories that are so precious now. Thank you Lord for healing me enough to think about him without having a breakdown. There was a day that Jimmy and I went to the grocery store for ice cream and of course I wanted to use a coupon so we were looking at only the ones that I had a coupon for. Jimmy picked up a box of ice cream bars and said look we have to get this has $12 worth of coupons inside the box. I was so touched by the fact that he was so excited about coupons, almost as much as me. I thought about this today and it made me smile instead of cry. It warms my heart to be able to remember him and even talk about him without crying.

       As for the things that I might never get over, that is something that I am just going to have to deal with. I will always miss my husband, there will always be a place in my heart for him, I will never forget his love for me, there will always be some amount of pain at the fact that we did not get to have our future together. As much as I am happy for the little things that a becoming easier it is hard to go on without him.

       I am so thankful that I can now remember him without a total meltdown, Praise God! Lord, you are starting to heal my heart. You are amazing God!

Friday, April 13, 2012

April 13th...

            Today marks 2years ago that Jimmy had is appendix out.  It also marks one year since Jimmy starting having pain where he later ended up in the hospital for a crohn's flair up. When he was admitted to the hospital on April 15, 2011 I said to him joking...I don't want to see what happens next April 13th. I can't believe that this is where I am now. In one year my life has changed so much, marital status, my job status, all of my relationships...everything.

            As I look back on the statement that I made to him...I don't want to see what happens next April 13th...I am a bit overwhelmed. The life I have now is so different than what my life looked like a year ago. I never would have said something like that even joking if I had known what was going to happen. I know that he knew I loved him no matter if we were in the hospital or not, but I would have just said I love you instead of joking about what could happen the next year.

            I don't think that this has anything to do with the fact that he is gone, I don't regret any of our time together at all, but there are some things that I wish were done different. We had thought about not taking a honeymoon until our 10 year anniversary I am so thankful we went 6 months after instead. There are things like this that did happen during our marriage that I am very grateful for. We had a great one year anniversary celebration with friends and family and we even got to go on a trip as well. God really knew what He was doing and I praise Him for what He gave me in my marriage.

            Jimmy told me each and every day just how much he loved me, they were even the last words out of his mouth. What more can I ask for in a husband? He was truly the best husband in the world for me and I thank God for everything Jimmy was to me. He made me a better person just by loving me unconditionally, and the love he had for the Lord. Thank you Lord for giving me such a precious gift.


Monday, April 9, 2012

Reflecting on the last year

As I reflect on how my life was a year ago and I am so overwhelmed. How can someone's life change so much in one year! How can you go from being happy, healthy, part of a great church, married, in love, hopeful of a future, being a stay at home the next year all of that is just gone? How does that even happen? How is it that God sees fit to wipe all of that out of a person's life?

There are times that I feel like he gives just so he can take away...before any of you try to give me Scripture that says otherwise just try to put yourself in my shoes. Jimmy was diagnosed with Crohn's disease in Feb, the same day they cut my hours really bad at work. My job was taken away pretty much in February...yes this made it possible for me to stay at home more and I was very thankful for that as well, especially in hind sight. Then Jimmy and I started a photography business, in which Jimmy was the brains of and now is no longer going to be in existence. My husband was taken in July, his family to follow, and my church family to follow that. Yes in this time the LORD did give me a new job to support myself and to help me heal, friends that have been there through thick and thin...but I feel like way more has been taken at this point.

It is hard to look back on the past year and not be upset. I know that my status here on Earth is not dependant on my marital status, my career or the family that I am a part of. I know that no matter what is taken away from me here on Earth my status in Heaven does not change. I am the daughter of the King of Kings no matter if I am a wife, mother, sister or business woman. Sometimes it is hard to remember that I am HIS no matter what is lost here in this world. I need all of you in my life to help me get through this huge trial in my life. I want to thank each of you for your prayers, love and support. I am blessed to have each of you in my life.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Week 2 getting healthy...

The exercise thing...

I vacuumed the entire house in 45-60min, I took a 2mile walk outside (it felt great), washed the car. The car washing brought up memories of Jimmy and I doing this task together and I was actually able to smile at the memories, thank God for that! The car could use being washed again because I missed some spots but I will get to that next weekend again, this saves money by not going to a car not going somewhere to tan...and also gives me exercise...I call that win, win, win!!!

Food this week...

I think I did pretty well but I have been craving sweets far too much so I did "cheat" so to speak.  I have been eating a lot of Mediterranean food and love it...tastes good and good for you!

On the creative side of things...

I have been trying to find a way in which I want to be creative again since it has been hard for me to make cards and take pictures. So I was thinking that I have not drawn since I was in high school or maybe college (the early years ;). I am going to try to draw one of the pictures I have of Max that I just love. So I went to Hobby Lobby to get some colored pencils and oh my was I shocked at the prices they want. So I went onto Amazon and found the same thing for more than half the I ordered them!! I can't wait to get started on a picture of my wonderful "son". I will keep you updated on my progress :)

On the Spiritual side of things...

I have been reading the Bible daily, and writing in my prayer journal most days. I am starting to seek the LORD again on a daily basis and I know it is helping in my everyday life. Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. They are so much needed at this time. Please keep praying for my motivation in all areas of my life, for my creativity to come back in whatever form the LORD wants, for me to walk the path the HE has for me and seek HIM in all that I do. I am so blessed to be able to call each of your friend, thank you for sticking by me as I walk through this difficult journey.