As others mark the months of life that their baby has lived...3,6,9,12 &18...the milestones in a child's life, I mark the months of life without my wonderful husband. If you would have told me that today would be harder than the day that I found out Jimmy was no longer living I never would have believed you. I would have told you that there was not a worse pain on earth than finding out the love of your life will no longer be with you. I promise you the pain gets worse...much worse. I guess God protected me with a wonderful thing called shock. Once the shock wore off some of the pain showed up, then one day there was something that felt like a waterfall of emotions that just came over me and it was as if someone was killing me. Should anyone actually be able to live through this amount of pain? How can anyone explain the pain seeing as how it is not a physical pain? How can I tell you that the pain overcomes me at times and I literally have a hard time catching my breath? How can anyone have a hard time catching their breath when the pain is not a real physical pain...you might be thinking? I don't understand it nor do I pretend to know when it will be over, however I promise you it happens! It happens at least once a week, and I wish I could make it stop.
There are days that I think that life is not fair, then I think yes it is not fair for sure. If life were fair I would have died on the cross for my own sins...Jesus would not have been there in my place.
"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." ~John 3:16-17
I cannot and will not let satan win in my thought life. If I continue to think that my life is not fair he will win. If I focus on the negative that has happened in my life I will fall into a trap that satan wants me to fall into. I will end up in a depression that I don't know how or can't get out of. So I choose to focus on the Lord and all that He has done for me. He is the one that gave me Jimmy in the first place, He is the one that gave me a great place to live, He is the one that gave me great friends that are always praying for me, He is the center of the Church that He brought me to, He is the one that gives me the money I need to live, He is the one that gives me the food I eat, He is the one that gives me all that I do have...yes He is also the one that took Jimmy away from me. I can either choose to focus what He has taken away and think that He is not doing what is best for me or I can choose to believe that the Lord does what is best for me no matter what. Do I always feel that this is what is best for me? No...sometimes I fall into the trap that satan has set for me. That is right, satan knows how my mind works, he knows what will draw me away from my Lord, he knows that if he can get me to think that the Lord does not have my best interest in mind ALL of the time then it will be the first step in what could be my walk away from the Lord. So when I think that life is not fair, or that He does not love me, or that He has no idea what is best for me...I think about all the good that He has put into my life.
And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ~Romans 8:27-29
God does work everything together for my good! I have to believe that in the good times and the times I think look bad. And if they look bad here on earth then I have to look outside of my box that I put God into and see how HE is working this for my good. I should not look at my situation and think how in the world could this possibly be for my good...I should look at it and say "this must be for my good no matter how it looks here on earth". I cannot put God into a box that helps my human brain understand Him, I need to ask God to grow my box that I put Him into. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. ~Hebrews 13:8
therefore if He is the same all the time then He always works together for my good, no matter how I feel