The person I want to be...

Recently I went out to lunch with a friend and before we left they asked me if it was ok if we prayed before we left the restaurant. It was such a blessing to me, not only being prayed for but also because it made me start to think about the person I want to be. There have been many times when I said that I would pray for someone then I go home and forget out it. I do not want to be that person.

Sometimes I put off meeting with people and sometimes I just don't feel up for it but other's I use the "I'm an introvert" excuse. Now I do understand that this is how God made me and I have to be sensitive to that however I can't seclude myself either.

{ So I started thinking about who I really want to be }

•I want to be the person that prays with people on the spot instead of putting it off for later.

•I want to be the fun person that others want to be around.

•I want to be healthy Spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

•I want to be a person that you don't have to wonder what they are thinking.

•I want to be the person who's yes is yes and no is no.

•I want to be the person that sees everything in a positive light.

•I want to be the person that loves God so much that people will never have to ask if I am a Christian.

•I want to love all of God's people even if I do not really want to love them.

•I want to be the person that is always there for others in their time of need.

I am not sure how I need to go about becoming this person. I am specifically asking all of you to pray about this for me. I know God is trying to make me a new me. So I am going to Him in prayer regarding this and am asking you to do the same. It is my hope that within the next few months that the Lord will show me how to become the person He wants me to be.

Thank you all for your prayers in advance, I don't know where I would be without the love, prayers and support of all of you!! 

Operation getting healthy...

On the exercise front...

For the past 2 weeks I have been walking 2 miles each morning other than the day that I went to Zumba after work. So in two weeks I have walked 18 miles and went to Zumba two times. I am finally starting to feel like I have more energy and I am also sleeping better...Praise God!

As for the number I have only lost 2 lbs in this two weeks. This is so very frustrating and makes me want to not keep up with the getting healthy. Please keep my motivation in your prayers as it is so hard to keep it up when the results are not really showing.

On the emotional front...

I have been having a bit of a hard time with my emotions lately. As the one year anniversary creeps up I am getting more and more emotional. I am sure this is normal but it is hard to deal with for sure. I am not having as many melt downs as the first few months but I have had a few, but mostly I am very easily irritated. I find myself getting upset about little things that I would normally not faze me at all.  

On the Spiritual front...

I have been reading the Bible on a regular basis and praying far more than before. I know this is helping me and I wish to continue for sure. Please keep this is your prayers...my desire to know the Lord more.

On the Creative front...

Nothing to report at this time. :(

Other comments...

I have been looking into grad school...it is very expensive and I need to really seek the Lord's will on this. Please keep this in your prayers as well :)

11 Months down & a lifetime to go...

As I reflect on the fact that Jimmy has been in heaven for 11 months I am pretty much speechless. I really can't believe that it has already been 11 months. How did the time pass so fast? Sometimes it seems like it was yesterday that he was here with me then others it seems like it has already been years without him. I am starting to come to the place of acceptance but I also find myself fighting the acceptance. In my head I know that Jimmy will never come back but in my heart I want to fight that with every ounce of my strength.

It is a struggle that I deal with every day these days. How do you accept that your spouse is not coming back? How do you deal with the fact that he will never come home from work again, that he will never say "I love you" again, that he will never hold you again, that he will never be there to talk to again, that he will never be at the other end of the phone again...and so on? All of the everyday things that used to go on will never go on with him again. This is so hard to accept!

I think that I am starting to feel like it is time to accept that he is gone and move on but how do you do that? I know that I have taken steps in my life to move on but how do you let go of your husband, your best friend....your other half? HOW? I know that packing up his clothes will be a good step so that is a goal for me in the next week, to pack up his clothes. When I got new bookshelves I packed up his books as there was so point in putting them back on the new shelves. It was not so emotional but I somehow think that the clothes will be far more emotional. As for the pictures on the walls...not even close to being ready to take those down.

Thank you all for your prayers and support it is so much needed. Please pray for peace, for contentment, for willingness to move on to what the Lord has for me, for clarity, for a desire to know Jesus more & for his wisdom not my own. I just want to fall into His arms and let Him lead, I am so tired and don't even feel like trying to do anything anymore. I think that is actually a good place to be though.

Operation getting healthy...seeing improvement

On the exercise front...

I did the walking video Monday-Friday this week which equals 5 miles. I also decided to go to a Zumba class on Saturday as well. I joined a gym last year and have not actually used the membership yet. I think it is about time to use that membership! I have increased the amount of sets in the strength training also.  I actually did 50 pushups (on my knees) on Friday morning...wow do my arms hurt. ha ha

Zumba was fun but WOW do you get workout in hour of Zumba!!!  I was dripping with sweat but feel great afterwards!!! I will be going every Saturday now and I might start going on Friday night as well once I get used to going on Saturdays :)

So what everyone has been waiting for...the numbers...ha ha! I am down 5 pounds from a week and a half ago!!! I am so excited...and want to keep it up so that the pounds just keep coming off!!

On the emotional front...

I have been doing pretty well in this area, Praise God!! Therapy is still going well I am so thankful for that as well! I have had very few melt downs lately and I praise God for that as well. As the one year anniversary keeps creeping up I am getting a little more anxious about what comes next. I am praying for more healing and a fresh new start after that awful anniversary.

On the Spiritual front...

I have been praying more and more...thank you for your prayers on this front because they sure are helping! I do need to start reading the Bible more and I feel convicted to be memorizing Scripture please continue to pray for this. I have also been going to Church more and am feeling refreshed by going...Praising God for this as well!!

On the Creative front...

I have not done much this week but I don't feel like I have to stay away from being creative and that is a huge step for sure!!

Operation getting healthy...

On the exercise front...

So this week I got my tooth pulled on Tuesday and therefore I was not able to work out on Wednesday or Thursday. But I did work out Monday, Tuesday, Friday & Saturday. So I got 4 miles in this week and added more reps to all the strength training. I am not hurting that bad (other than my behind...ha ha) with adding the reps so I will add more this coming week. I feel that I am doing a good job at keeping up with exercising and not giving up. I used to hurt real bad one day because I overdid it and then I would just stop because I didn't want to hurt that bad. So now I am taking it slow and steady as to not overdo it and quit without any results.

I am still getting up at 4:30am and working out before I go to work. I am trying to eat healthy and for the most part I do but sometimes I eat a larger portion than I should. I have kept away from the chocolate other than nutella which is so good!! Please keep praying for strength to wake up this early and make it through my day, for strength to make the right food choices and for safety as I exercise.

On the emotional front...

Wednesday was my 3 year wedding anniversary and I still can't believe that Jimmy was not here to celebrate that with me. I did make it through the day and that is another "first" that is over with...Thank God!! I think I was able to let go of Jimmy a little bit more...not that I want to I just know that I have to. I did change my relationship status on facebook which was one of my goals and that was very hard but I wanted to make sure to keep with my goal or I knew I would never do it. I feel that I am letting him go as my husband at this point. This is hard but it part of the process of grieving. Please keep me in your prayers that I continue to let go of him but not his memory. That I go through this grieving process in a healthy manor.

On the Spiritual front...

I am reading the Bible everyday still and praying more. I could do better on each of these fronts so please keep praying that I will take the time to pray each and every day and to study His word each day as well. I would also like to ask for prayer in knowing what the Lord has for me for the next step in my life. I am sensing that He might not want me to stay in Houston long term but I don't know where He is leading so please pray for clarity and peace about where He would have me to go. I am also thinking about going back to school for my masters in Social Work to ultimately be a therapist please keep this in your prayers as well, which school to go to and also the money to get the education.

On the Creative front...

Today I turned a regular notebook into a Scripture memory verse notebook that looks pretty. I made this for a friend to encourage them to memorize Scripture. I also came up with an idea for another prayer journal that I will also give to another friend. I am not pushing the card making right now but I do have a goal set for this if I do not feel like it before and that goal is after I get back from my vacation in July. I think that maybe what I will do is make Jimmy a birthday card when I get back from vacation...the last card I made was for his casket and I have had a very hard time making them again so maybe if I make one for his birthday it will be full circle and with over a year past it will be less painful. Praying for the healing in that area in order for me to be able to create cards again!