Thursday, January 26, 2012

Where I am at right now...

I am dealing with a lot of depression and anger right now...for anyone that is worried about me this is NORMAL in grieving. I am at a point that I just need to take some me time and start the process of healing. Please do not take offense to this or worry about me, God made me and knew that this is how I would deal with this very situation...He will take care of me. If you worry about me please just lift me up in prayer, God can and will take care of me. Thank you all for your love, support and concern.

Please read this before you try to "fix" someone who is greiving!

Sunday, January 22, 2012


Last week I had to take a detour to work due to an accident. As I wrote about this it made me think about the fact that my entire life has been one detour after another.

When I was 12 I went from being an only child to one of 6 over night.
In my twenties one man took advantage of me in a way that made me look at men in a very different way which also led to me not being able to trust men in general.
While I was in college God closed every door for me to go back to the school where I had been studying youth ministry.
This then led me to go to another college and graduating with a degree in Human Services.
I got married to the best husband in the world 14 days after my graduation which led me half way across the country from my family and friends.
Then last summer my entire world was turned upside down by the latest detour, my wonderful husband went Home to Heaven.
            There are more detours I could take you on but I am not up for sharing them all at this time. Some would look at my life and wonder how all of this could have happened to one person, or how anyone could get through all of it, or maybe you are reading this and thinking if she only knew what my life has been like she would be grateful, or maybe everyone has as many detours in their lives. No matter what the case, we all go through so sort of detour in our lives at some point. And what we do with the detour depends on a lot of different factors. How we were raised, what our life experiences are, our faith, our support systems and so on. We all react to any given circumstance in our own way due to the many differences in our lives.
                I have come to the conclusion that if my life had not been full of detours that I would not be able to make it through the latest detour. I have been told over and over again that I am a strong woman, but what makes a strong woman? We only become strong by being tested over and over again. It is through this testing that we can finally "get it right" when it is really needed. If I had not dealt with grief, stress, heartbreak & traumatic situations in my past I would defiantly not know how to deal with the loss of my husband. I am in no way saying that anyone really knows how to deal with the loss of a spouse, however through the testing in our lives we can understand what has worked or not worked for us in our past experiences. 
                This latest detour has changed my life in ways I wouldn't even imagined before this happened to me. I go to the grocery store and wonder aimlessly wondering what do you cook for one person, I go out in public and see couples together everywhere and it causes a reaction of anger and disgust in me that I have never had before, I have a longing for human touch that I never had before...the list goes on and on. It makes me think about the fact that maybe just maybe my world was wrapped up in my husband to a fault. Would I change the way our marriage was looking back...absolutely not...but it has made me think about Jesus as my husband. He is the first man that should be in anyone's life, and I have to admit that I was not actually putting Him first while Jimmy was here on Earth. Would I have come to rely on Jesus to the extent that He deserves without Him taking Jimmy to live with Him? I don't know...I really can't answer that and it does not actually matter at this point either.
                I have come to this realization that I am at a crossroads in my life and faith. Do I feel God here with me as in an actual Do I trust (rely on with confidence of the outcome)Him...not so sure anymore. Do I believe that He will work this all together for my good...not so sure of that either. I am at a point where I have to look at His truth, the Word that He has given to us and choose if I am going to believe it as TRUTH or not. I will be honest and say that I don't want to believe it as Truth because my life seems so much to be upside down and since I can't see how any of this will turn out for my good it is hard to believe that IS the Truth. Where was God when all of these detours happened in my life? Did He just sit there and let it all unfold knowing that it would make me see Him in this light now? Is all of this really for my good? How can it be?
                This all being said I am asking for prayer during this very dark time/place I am in right now. I feel like I am in a well a very deep one with quicksand under me, I sink further and further down with no escape in sight. I am at the point of wondering if God is really in this pit with me because I see NO light here with me. Lord, Help me I am sinking!

Sunday, January 15, 2012

6 Months down & a lifetime to go

I never would have imagined that today would be harder than what I faced 6 months ago. The realization that Jimmy has been gone from this earth for half a year is so overwhelming to me. On one hand I feel like it was just yesterday that he was here with me then on the other hand I feel like it has been forever since I heard his say "you're the best wife in the world." I can't still hear the words...but only if I try really hard. I am starting to forget how he looked when he first woke up, and how excited he got about a new airplane movie coming out, the sound of his laugh, the look on his face when he loved what I cooked for dinner...the list goes on. Oh how desperately I don't want to forget him...yet it is inevitable that I will forget certain things. There is no way to stop it.

A few days ago I went to his clothes, that hang in the spare bedroom closet now, and I realized that they no longer smell like him. I can't even explain the melt down that I had, I completely lost it. Everything is being stripped away one piece at a time in my life. And now that includes the smell of Jimmy. This realization is heart wrenching. Not only is my husband not here...not I don't have anything left that smells like him. The only thing left are the memories...which I can't even think about and be happy yet.

On Thursday I had to take a detour due to an accident.  This detour took me right past the restaurant where Jimmy and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary. At this point in my journey of grief I am a pro at driving while having a melt down because that is where most of them happen. I got so angry that not only would I be late for work but that I also had to have this pain brought up again. I wish that I could think of him and be happy...and sometimes that is what happens...but instead most of the time I get so angry that the Lord took away the best husband on earth. Well on Thursday I got angry...and I told God just how I felt about the way my life is now. Thank God He will never turn His back on me, because after my little rant I would have turned my back on me!

I am dealing with anger a lot these days. I am angry because this is my life, I am angry because I feel like I not only lost Jimmy but I lost myself, I am angry that I have no family in TX with me, I am angry when no one remembers how bad of a day the 15th is for me...I could go on forever it seems. I am at a crossroad...let the anger overtake me or give everything over to God once again. I am not quite at the point of letting God have it all yet. I want to be angry...I want to break something...I want to push every person out of my life....why? I finally came to the realization as to why.

I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone I love again. Therefore if I push everyone out I will never have that problem again. The problem is I never have the love again either. But right now I do not believe the saying "better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"...I would rather be alone than go through this pain ever again! I loved Jimmy with all that I have and he loved be back in the same way. How precious the love we shared. I just wish I could remember the wonderful memories without being so angry and sad. I am sure that one day that will come. I just wish it was now!

Sunday, January 8, 2012


I came to a realization today while I was in Church...

                1. The fact that I understand that the LORD has the best plan for me no matter what does NOT mean that it takes away my pain of losing my husband.

          2. Without going through the pain I would not become the person that the LORD wants me to be. The pain is how HE is making more like HIM and into the person who HE wants me to be.

What I deal with everyday...

                1. Jimmy loved Jesus more than me and is very happy to be in Heaven with him.

            2. Jimmy no longer has to suffer here on this Earth with the rest of us.

            3. The plan that the LORD has for me is far better than anything I could ever dream of.

            4. Nothing will ever be the same on this Earth for me.

            5. I wake up every morning without Jimmy here.

            6. Half of me is really do not understand being one with someone until they are gone.

            7. I can't seem to be my "normal" self anymore...I forget everything, I can't keep my house clean, I have no desire to do anything artistic, I don't feel like cooking...and the list goes on.

            8. Max (my cat) still looks for his "daddy" and it breaks my heart every time.

            9. Jimmy's chair will always be empty.

            10. My entire future changed in the blink of an eye.

What I don't understand...

                1. Why people think that my life is back to "normal"

       2. Why people are shocked when I say my holidays were the worst I have ever had in my life.

       3. Why I can't make it through a Church service without crying the entire time.

       4. Why I don't have the desire to do the things that I once loved doing.

       5. Why in our culture we don't let people just grieve.

       6. Why do people think that  I am done grieving.

       7. How can people just forget about Jimmy so quickly.

       8. Why it feels like I am the only one who is still grieving the loss of Jimmy.

       9. Why it makes me sick to my stomach to see couples hold hands or sit next to each other.

       10. Why I have no desire to celebrate anything.

All of this brings pain...a lot of it. As I take the road through this pain it will make me not only closer to the Lord but also make me more like HIM. I don't know what that looks like in the end, I don't understand why all of this happened, I would not have chosen this...but for some reason this is what the LORD has chosen therefore I have to praise HIM no matter what. HE is the one that is good...not me. HE is there waiting to comfort me I just have to seek HIM even when I don't feel like it.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012


I have so many questions and very few of them have answers. Sometimes I feel as if the questions will overtake me.

Why Jimmy of all the husbands in the world?

Why not a man who was beating his wife and children?

Why is this my cross to bear?

Why am I left with no children?

Why was there no warning that Jimmy would pass away on July 15th?

Why am I in Houston with no family?

Why are there people that refuse to talk to me now that Jimmy is gone?

Why did God not take me in place of Jimmy (I would have gladly given my life for his)?

Why do I feel worse 5 1/2 months later then the day he passed away?

Why does it feel like I was torn in half with a gaping hole that is left to be healed?

Why do I have to see couples together everywhere I go?

Why do I have to start this year being a widow?

Why was Jimmy not healed here on Earth?

Why did God let me meet him marry him and then take him away so soon?

Why give me true love only to rip it out from under me?

Why me?


The only answer I have from the whole list is why I am left with no children...I asked God to not make me a single mother. He showed me His mercy in that small way...that I would not become a single mother. Thank you Lord for this small blessing. I pray that the LORD Himself give me comfort even through all the questions. I know that I might not ever know the answers until I am with Jesus and I have to become content with that.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

A New Year as a Widow

Starting a new year as a widow is something I never thought would happen until I was much older. Widow is a word that I have come to hate. Would I hate it so much if I was older? I have no idea. I know that it is something I thought I would never have to deal with at 31. I still have not been able to wrap my brain around the fact that on July 15th I started the day married to the best husband I could have asked for and then ended the day as a widow. maybe I am stuck there still I don't know. Being a widow has become something that has a very negative connotation for me now.

As I look ahead to the next month I am very overwhelmed by all the "firsts" I have to deal with. My birthday, valentine's day and leap day, Jimmy and I met on leap day 2008. February is going to be a very difficult month and I am not really looking forward to the month even coming. I normally would be so excited for my birthday that I would let everyone know when it was 3,2 &1 month away. I am not excited for any holiday at all.

I am starting to not really feel like myself at all. Is it depression? Is it just grief? Is it my new "normal"? Sometimes I wish I could feel like my normal self again...the only problem is that I will never be that person again. Today on the news I heard a reporter say "the family is grieving instead of celebrating" (this was due to a woman that was killed on New Year's Eve) why do people only think about those that lost a loved one very recent during the holidays? No one is ever the same after they lose a loved one. It does not matter how many days, weeks, years or decades that pass each day and especially holidays will never be the same. There is an ache that will never leave you as long as you live. There will always be a place in your heart that is not the same due to the fact that that person is not there. Like a missing puzzle can't finish the whole puzzle due to the fact that just one piece is missing.

It is not just one person that is missing in my entire future that I thought I had is missing. I thought I would be married for 50+ years, have kids, grandkids, retire together...part of my identity is gone not just Jimmy. How do you go on with your life when your entire identity has changed? I no longer am married I am a widow. I no longer have the dream of being a mother just the longing to be someone's mommy. I no longer have the dream of growing old with Jimmy, just to grow old by myself.

I am starting to feel like I am so alone and always will be. I know that the Lord is always there with me, I am starting to just not feel like He is really there. All of these holidays in a row have me feeling very down. I am still not sure how to get back up...I just feel like I am being knocked down over and over again. I am pretty sure the next year is going to be like that for least if I expect it then when it happens I will not be caught off guard.

Please keep praying for me to heal and that I would feel the LORD close to me. I wish everyone understood that grief gets worse before it ever gets better...most people tell you that it will get better. I promise you I feel far worse today than I did on August 1st. I just wish it would all be over...oh how I wish that was possible.

LORD, help me to not feel alone. Please hold me in your hands and help me to feel your presence. Help me to learn every lesson you want me to learn. Teach me all that you have for me during this year, LORD.