Thursday, October 27, 2011

Trust-rely on with confidence of the outcome

5 Trust in the LORD with ALL your heart,

   and do not lean on your own understanding.

 6In ALL your ways acknowledge him,

   and he WILL make straight your paths.

 7 Be not wise in your own eyes;

    fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.

(emphasis added)

~~Proverbs 3:5-7

I have been thinking about this verse a lot lately. I have also been trying to memorize it...I have never been one for memorizing by heart but that needs to change. I need to work harder at memorization that is something that you can pray about for sure!

Onto the verse...vs. 5 trust in the LORD with ALL your heart

This does not say think about trusting or pretend to trust we need to look at the words that have been written not what we want to see written. TRUST that is a hard word to understand sometimes. At times we think we are trusting someone or something however we might be trusting our own abilities


this is from

noun on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2.confident expectation of something; hope.

3.confidence in the certainty of future payment for property or goods received; credit: to sell merchandise on trust.

4.a person on whom or thing on which one relies: God is my trust.

5.the condition of one to whom something has been entrusted.

Wow when you look at these definitions it becomes more real. Am I confident that the LORD has my path in His hands? Do I rely on His integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc? Am I confident in the certainty of future payment or blessings? Is He the person on whom I rely? WOW, that leaves me in awe. This is what He expects from us that we TRUST Him with all of our heart. That we rely on Him, that we are confident in His power, that we are certain of His blessings and His rewards! This really puts this into perspective for me and I hope it does for you also.

Now onto the second half of that with ALL your heart...this does not say most of your heart or some of your heart it says ALL. Therefore we cannot have part of our heart in one place (with our spouse, a child, parents, ourselves, the government...etc) and then the other part with the LORD. He wants ALL of our heart and He tells us that He is a jealous God. "You shall not bow down to them or serve them, for I the LORD your God am a jealous God" ~Exodus 20:5

 Jesus tells us that we cannot serve two things at once...  "No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.

 "Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?" ~Matthew 6:24-25

The LORD knew that we would be anxious about our lives therefore He made it clear that we are not to worry about what comes next in life or about money. When we love money we cannot love God, He made us and knows that our hearts are only able to love one at a time. He told us that if we love one we will hate the other. So I ask you...are you putting anything above God right now? Do you love God more than anything else here on earth? Are you willing to give up everything you have in this life for God?

He tells us that is what He wants...and He will do what it takes to make sure we put 100% of our focus on Him. He is a jealous God but He also wants what is best for us, He WILL do whatever IS best for us according to His will.

6In ALL your ways acknowledge him,

   and he WILL make straight your paths.

We are to acknowledge Him in ALL our ways. This does not say in some of your ways, in most of your ways, or in part of your says ALL your ways! It also does not say in only good times either. We are to acknowledge Him in the good times, the bad times and the ok days also. He has a plan for our lives all we need to do is let Him work the plan for our good. We are not called to try and control the plan or make the path turn left when we really want what is down that road. He is capable of knowing what IS best for us and get this one...He wants what IS best for you too.

This verse goes says He WILL make straight your paths. Does that mean that when something bad happens in your life and you know that you are in the will of the LORD that your path is still straight...YES!!!  

I could go the path of doubting God and His goodness right now...but I CHOOSE to see God for who He really IS my father who wants the best for me in all situations. This is where the rest of the verse comes in...

7 Be not wise in your own eyes;

    fear the LORD, and turn away from evil.

So I have a choice to turn me eyes to my own wisdom or that of God's. I have a choice to turn to evil or away from it. He tells me that He WILL make my path straight...I have to choose to seek His wisdom over my own. I have to choose to turn my back on evil and where does evil start? In our mind, with that little wisdom or HIS? Turn away from evil or believe the lies satan put in my head? I choose HIS wisdom and to seek His will for my life...I choose HIS path not the one that satan has made to look like the "easy" way. I choose to trust (rely on with confidence of the outcome) in God and turn away from evil. 

Friday, October 21, 2011 I supposed to be happy?

I had an interview on Thursday Oct I went to bed the night before the interview and started thinking. (That is something I should not do sometimes.) I was not nervous about the interview itself, I was upset that I HAVE to move on with life. I was laying there feeling this paralyzing pain that I don't even know how to describe...I started to feel like I could not breath...then I felt like I didn't even want to breath...then I started to be mad about the fact that I have no choice! I do not have a choice but to work. So here I am thinking about the fact that my life is so abnormal compared to most people my age. The fact that most of this in not a choice for me upsets me sometimes. Then I think about what I wanted in life, I wanted to be a wife & mother and stay at home with my kids so that I was the one to raise them...not someone else. Well that is just not my life, and I even said that I wanted to finish my degree so that one day if I HAD to support myself and possibly children by myself that I would be able to do so. Here I am no children but a degree in which I will be able to support myself. Thank God for the fact that I did finish undergrad in order for me to have a degree so that I am able to make more money so that I can support myself and be able to pay medical bills from the day that my husband died and the rest of the debt that is piled up.

I am thankful that I will be able to earn the money that I need...however I am not happy about the direction that my life has taken.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Three Months Down...and a lifetime to go

As others mark the months of life that their baby has lived...3,6,9,12 &18...the milestones in a child's life, I mark the months of life without my wonderful husband.  If you would have told me that today would be harder than the day that I found out Jimmy was no longer living I never would have believed you. I would have told you that there was not a worse pain on earth than finding out the love of your life will no longer be with you. I promise you the pain gets worse...much worse. I guess God protected me with a wonderful thing called shock. Once the shock wore off some of the pain showed up, then one day there was something that felt like a waterfall of emotions that just came over me and it was as if someone was killing me. Should anyone actually be able to live through this amount of pain? How can anyone explain the pain seeing as how it is not a physical pain? How can I tell you that the pain overcomes me at times and I literally have a hard time catching my breath? How can anyone have a hard time catching their breath when the pain is not a real physical might be thinking? I don't understand it nor do I pretend to know when it will be over, however I promise you it happens! It happens at least once a week, and I wish I could make it stop.

There are days that I think that life is not fair, then I think yes it is not fair for sure. If life were fair I would have died on the cross for my own sins...Jesus would not have been there in my place.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him."  ~John 3:16-17

I cannot and will not let satan win in my thought life. If I continue to think that my life is not fair he will win. If I focus on the negative that has happened in my life I will fall into a trap that satan wants me to fall into. I will end up in a depression that I don't know how or can't get out of. So I choose to focus on the Lord and all that He has done for me. He is the one that gave me Jimmy in the first place, He is the one that gave me a great place to live, He is the one that gave me great friends that are always praying for me, He is the center of the Church that He brought me to, He is the one that gives me the money I need to live, He is the one that gives me the food I eat, He is the one that gives me all that I do have...yes He is also the one that took Jimmy away from me. I can either choose to focus what He has taken away and think that He is not doing what is best for me or I can choose to believe that the Lord does what is best for me no matter what. Do I always feel that this is what is best for me? No...sometimes I fall into the trap that satan has set for me. That is right, satan knows how my mind works, he knows what will draw me away from my Lord, he knows that if he can get me to think that the Lord does not have my best interest in mind ALL of the time then it will be the first step in what could be my walk away from the Lord. So when I think that life is not fair, or that He does not love me, or that He has no idea what is best for me...I think about all the good that He has put into my life.

And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. ~Romans 8:27-29

God does work everything together for my good! I have to believe that in the good times and the times I think look bad. And if they look bad here on earth then I have to look outside of my box that I put God into and see how HE is working this for my good. I should not look at my situation and think how in the world could this possibly be for my good...I should look at it and say "this must be for my good no matter how it looks here on earth". I cannot put God into a box that helps my human brain understand Him, I need to ask God to grow my box that I put Him into. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. ~Hebrews 13:8

therefore if He is the same all the time then He always works together for my good, no matter how I feel 

Friday, October 14, 2011

So tomorrow marks 3 months without it seems like it has been forever yet it also seems like time is standing still. I am certainly not the only one in my house that is mourning. This is Jimmy's chair...see how Max left his "mark" on the arm? I say it is Max & Jimmy's chair. This is the way that Max would lay at Jimmy's feet...he would be sure to touch Jimmy's feet as he laid there. And Jimmy would say "are you putting your leg up for Daddy?" When I see this it makes me realize just how much Jimmy loved...even Max. Max still sleeps on the bed where Jimmy's feet would be. It makes me sad to see Max missing his "daddy".
Very sad and I don't think that tomorrow will be a good day. Please keep praying...this is a very hard road.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Being different

As other people in my age group go about their lives they think about things such as...

What wedding dress will I buy....I had to think about what my husband would wear in his casket

What house should we buy...I had to think about the land that would be my husbands resting place

Where will we go on vacation this year...I go visit my husband at a grave

What will the sex or our baby be...I have to think about being alone and not having any kids

How will I decorate my house...I have to approve a tombstone

It is funny how our life lives can be changed in the blink of an eye. How we can go from thinking about our future one day to the next thinking about final arrangements for a loved one. I would never wish this on anyone...

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Empty Chair

The Empty Chair

Time cannot heal the emptiness

 Or fill the empty chair

 The one that’s in the family room

 I see it empty there.

Or the chair that’s at the table

 Where together we would dine

 Although I sit there still,

 The only hands that pray are mine.

Still I give thanks to God each day

 I pray this prayer comes true.

 You save an empty chair for me,

 When I come home to you.

I found a framed picture with this poem on it and had to leave the store I was crying so much. I went back with a coupon (for those of you that know me you are saying of course she went back with a coupon :) and bought this framed poem. Anyone who has come to my house since Jimmy passed away you have been told not to sit in 2 different chairs in my house. The chair in the family room and the one at the table where we ate so many meals together. I am the only one that has sat in either of "his" chairs since he passed away. I feel just a little bit closer to him when I sit where he sat so many times before. Seeing these empty chairs is yet another reminder that he is not going to come back. I will never hear his car door close and him come into the house and tell me he loves me, or ask about my day or kiss me when he walks in.

I want people to understand that everyday there is a reminder that he is gone. When I opened the mail yesterday one of the letters said "Thank you for notifying (insert company name) of the death of Jimmy Eapen." It as if I am stabbed in the heart every time I look around at the empty chair, or read the mail, or try to pay a bill and they won't talk to me...the list goes on and on. Please understand that for the people that lose a loved one who is "too young" to die or even in a tragic way maybe even anyone who loses a loved one period they are still grieving at 3 months after, 6 months after and possibly the rest of their life here on earth! My life did not go back to "normal" 6 weeks after my husband died...and it never will because he is not here for it to be normal again. Saturday will be 3 months of me being a widow and I find it harder to make it through each day as time goes on. I am so thankful that I do not have to go to work yet...however sometimes I feel like it might make my day go by just a little bit faster. Please keep praying for me, pray for peace, for direction in my next step in life, for understanding, for me to know the next step that the LORD has for me. Thank you all for your prayers and support, it is very much needed at this  very hard time in my life.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

What is the cost of eternal life?

As I sat and listened to Dave Ramsey with hundreds of couples around me I again felt like a fish out of water. I know there were people there that were single even people that have dealt with the loss of a spouse. However you see the people in the crowd that have what you don't have, they become more prominent to you. I have begun to look at the world through this filter that I never had before, a filter of loss/what is missing in my life. Yes when I was single before marriage I looked at married people with a longing, however this is different. I am looking at those that have their spouse with a longing for what I had not what I wish to have. Our relationship was so strong in 2 years that if you just saw us together for the first time many would think we had been married for 15-20 years. We went through enough struggles to last 15-20 years and that is what drew us closer to each other. Through our struggles, when so many marriages fail, we became closer to each other and to the LORD. I know that is rare these days and my heart is grateful to have had it, even for only 2 years.  Yet at the same time my heart is sad to not have it for 50 more years with Jimmy.

Then as Dave went on about paying off your debt, which was one of the struggles that Jimmy and I dealt with in our marriage, I started to think about my life now. Due to my husband's wisdom I am now able to pay off the debt that had once been a struggle in our relationship. Wow, I can be debt free in the very near future was NOT free. Me being able to pay off this debt came a very high cost. A cost that I never thought I would have to pay this early in life...the life of my husband. How can I pay off this debt and not think that it is was paid with such a high cost? I would take the debt times 100 if it meant that I had my wonderful husband back. I would work every day of my life to pay it off if it meant Jimmy and I could have the next 50 years together as we planned.

I started thinking about my relationship with Christ...

Then the disciples of John came to him, saying, "Why do we and the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?" And Jesus said to them, "Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast.

~Matthew 9:14-15

If the Church is the bride of Christ should we not mourn the fact that He is not here on Earth with us as much as we would mourn the loss of our spouse? When we look at the crucifixion of Christ we tend to distance ourselves from the actual even and not think about the fact that it was because of our sins that He is on the cross in the first place. I have eternal life but it was NOT free! It came at a very high cost. A cost that we cannot even imagine...the death of our Savior, our bridegroom, our King, our mediator. Yes it was our Father's will for Him to die in place of us for our sins. WOW, do we really get that? This is such a high cost that sometimes we don't really think about it, or don't really like to think about it. So my sins (debts) have been paid for by the life of the One True Lamb. Do we long to see Him in heaven as much as we long to see our loved ones? We should long to see Him!! He gave His life and made it possible that you can even see that loved one again...He gave His life so that we no longer have a separation from God.

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,  and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins.

~Romans 3:23-25

There is not one person out there that can say they have never sinned, we are told that ALL have sinned, that we ALL fall short of God's glory. Jesus had to die for our sins to be forgiven and God the Father & God the Son both loved us so much that this was the plan. I am amazed at how much I am loved by God!! Does that not amaze you? If Jesus had chosen not to give His life for us then we would be living by the law and would still be sacrificing animals for our sins. We would not have the assurance that we WILL  see our loved ones (that believed in Christ as their savior) again in heaven. The longing to see Jesus is becoming stronger and stronger and the longing to see Jimmy is just staying the same. I want to see the one that gave His life for mine, that made it possible to see my husband again! Jesus IS the name above ALL names!!!

Friday, October 7, 2011

Really How are You?

I want to say that the last post was not meant to be about a specific Church or just about me as a grieve...this happens all over America. We want it to look like we as Christians have everything together. We don't want to answer "how are you?" with "I'm just not that good today" because we don't want anyone to know the pain we are going through, or the trial that we have been placed in, the fact that someone we love is an addict, that there is sin in and around our lives. We just want everyone to think that our life is perfect and keep all our hurts, trials, sins to ourselves. Well no one is perfect, no one can even say that their life is perfect...we all have pain we all have trials we need to be there for each other to help them through those painful times and the trials. We should be able to lean on a fellow believer in order to make it through a hard time or a trial. But for some reason we want to put on this "perfect" front and let everyone believe that everything is "perfect" when we all know that no one's life is perfect! I just want people to really think about whether or not they are putting up a fake front for people or are they really letting people in so that we are a Church family can bear up their burdens. Please take a look at how you answer this question at Church..."how are you?"  If you are not that good that day or there is something that you really do need prayer about maybe you should say it to the person asking the question...not just answer with "I am doing well" or "I am good"

Believers should be there to build each other up, to bear their burdens, to pray for each other...and we should all feel free to share these things with each other as we are all brothers and sisters in Christ!!! WE ARE FAMILY

Thursday, October 6, 2011

How are you?

So when people ask me "how are you?" I never know what to say. I feel like people only want to hear good things when they ask that question. When I am honest and say that I am not doing well people never know what to say to me. It is very awkward for both of us and someone ends up walking away. Why is it that when I talk to a Christian and say "I am not that good today" they get all weird? Why is it that we think that everything should be good when we are Christians? Is this not more of a health and wealth message when you think that everything should be ok all the time?
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
We are told in Scripture that we WILL go through trials and that we should be joyful about it due to the fact that our faith is being tested. Therefore we should expect that people WILL have days that they can say "I am not that good today"? As a Christian we should expect that there will be trials, but if we can't talk about those trials with our Church family then who can we talk about them with? When you go to Church are you thinking "I can only go if my life is in order and perfect"? If you are waiting for your life to be perfect to have a relationship with the LORD then you will never have a relationship with Him. I should be able to go to Church and tell people what my trials are and have them pray for me through the hard times. I should not feel like if I say "I am not that good today" that everyone will run the other direction.
Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.  Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Galatians 6:1-3
Do we somehow think that we can only bear one another's burdens IF there was a transgression? Well I just want to say...why in the world would I tell anyone what my transgression was if they will not even listen to me when I am going through the trial and pray with me about the trial? We are called to love without conditions! If I see a sin in someones life that says they are a Christian yes I am called to point out that sin...but we should still love that person and it should be out of our love for them that we want to restore them to Christ not just to point out their sin.
Every time I am around a group of Christians it is the loneliest time of my week. It is like people either think that death is contagious or that they can't talk to me due to the fact that we will not have anything in common. Right now not only am I very lonely I feel like no one wants to even be around me. So not only do I have to deal with the death of my husband, the fact that I was laid off of my job in April and my unemployment will run out in Jan....I have to deal with it ALONE. Please tell me why no one calls me? Why I feel like a fish out of water at Church?
I am going to choose to tell people how I feel when they ask without any apologies or lies! I am going to choose to not push people away when they tell me they are struggling with something! I am going to love people the way that Jesus loves...without conditions! Thank You Jimmy for teaching me that not only is is possible to love without conditions but that it is what we should do!!

What a Savior!!!!!!!!!

    on Tuesday, October 4, 2011 at 10:31pm

I have come to this conclusion that Jimmy is the one who
kept in touch with people...he was so good at that. I am finding out that this
is yet another thing that I need to work on. He was also much better at keeping
the checkbook up to date...have been working on that since the day I got a
checking account, silly me I thought that God had taken care of that are I was
lacking with a great husband...he did just for a shorter period of time than I
thought. Jimmy was also so much better at keeping paperwork organized, and up
to date. I guess this is what happens when your spouse is now with Jesus...the
things that he was much better at come to the surface all the time.

there are so many reasons that I wish that Jimmy was here
with me, yet there is one reason that I want him to be right where he
is...Glory! Jimmy is seeing things that I can only imagine...he is with Jesus
right now and how amazing that must be. Jimmy is in a much better place and it
kinda makes me jealous that he gets to be there and I don't. He is in a place
that we all wish to be...and for that I am so happy :)

So for anyone that I am not keeping in touch with I am is not my strength and I always feel like I am bothering people. If
any of you are feeling like I don't want to talk to you that is not it...give
me a call or mess me on facebook and I will try to keep in touch with you

For anyone who would like to fill out/mail/fax some
paperwork let me know I have as much as anyone could want to do in a lifetime.
LOL I will do it...just as I feel ready to do it. I did manage to get some of
it done today :)

As for the checking account...I will just have to figure
that out I guess. God will give me what I need when I need it I am sure of

I do miss my husband every single day however I am happy
that he is with our LORD. I imagine him flying around Heaven exploring
everything. Then other times I imagine him at the throne of grace lifting up my
prayers to God. One thing I know for sure he is as happy as can be to be with
Jesus in all his glory. I have never understood being fully focused on the eternal
until now...part of my heart is in Heaven at first it was because Jimmy was
there and I have realized that was wrong and now I want to meet my Savior far
more than see my wonderful husband
again. I want to spend as much time with Jesus as I can in order to get to know
him more...I am so thankful that I am able to have a relationship with my

Lord you are amazing

    on Sunday, October 2, 2011 at 6:39pm
I love you!

Your the best!!

Keep up the great work!!

(This was written in Jimmy's handwriting on a pink post it)

This is the note that I found from Jimmy today in my
journal. I knew it was there however finding it again made me cry. As I sat
there in church reflecting on this note I was sad and encouraged all at the
same time. Jimmy left things like this for me quite often and to not have that
anymore at all makes me very sad. However as I sat there I felt like it was his
in encouragement for me to make it through the day. He would always tell
me..."you are the best wife in the universe" why didn't I believe it
while he was alive? Why is it hard to believe the good things that people say
about you? With all my faults (and I know there are many of them) he loved me
without any conditions, with a love that a lot of women do not ever see in
their lifetime.

When I think about all the women out there that are married
and feel like they are stuck with a man that does not even love them or the
women that are divorced due to a man that did not love them or the women that
think that marriage is way too hard due to the fact that their husband does not
love them like they should...I feel blessed. I feel blessed to have had a
marriage that was Christ centered! Jimmy loved me as Christ loved the
Church...if he would have been given the option to give up his life for mine I
know he would have done it. I know without a shadow of a doubt that Jimmy loved
me with all that he had...and for that I am very grateful. If God would have
asked me to give up my life for his I would have done it...without even
thinking. We loved each other with a love that most people cannot even
understand...we loved each other as ourselves. I am so thankful that we HAVE a
love that is everlasting. I will see him again the day I meet my for
now I have to continue to put Christ first in my life. Christ has to be the
Lord of my life no matter what else happens in my life. He is the author and
finisher of my life. He knew when I would be born and He knows when I will die
until that day I have to serve Him with all that I have and allow Him to do what
He wants with my life. I have to be willing to go and do whatever He has
planned for me life.

Thank You Lord for your love and for your patience with me even
when I want to walk the other way. Lord you are amazing, your love is amazing,
your steadfastness is amazing, your strength is amazing I am in awe of all that
you do for me.

Memories and Love

    on Saturday, September 24, 2011 at 12:57pm

Making new memories has to be the hardest part of grief.
Making memories without Jimmy just seems so empty to me. For the first month
not only did I not want to take any pictures at all I didn’t want anyone to
take any pictures of me either. I didn’t
want to have physical reminders that I have memories without Jimmy. Why is it
that my life has to go on? Why will God not answer my prayer for Him to take me
like He took Jimmy? The grief is so hard and painful at times that I really
just want Him to take me off of this earth…I want to be in Heaven with Jesus
and Jimmy. I am not saying that I would ever take my own life…I just want the
pain to stop. I want people to stop acting as though 3 years of knowing Jimmy
is less important than what they shared with him. For Heaven’s sake you cannot
compare my loss with yours because Jimmy and I were one flesh!!

'Therefore a man
shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two
shall become one flesh'? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let
not man separate." Matthew 19:5-6

God Himself joined us together as one through our covenant
of marriage…please stop telling me that you knew Jimmy longer and trying to
make my grief less!! People tried to split us up while Jimmy was alive and now
that spirit of division is still at work. Someone please tell me how anyone can
actually think that they have more to grieve? I have lost my husband, my best
friend, my lover, my protector, my other half, my business partner, my
companion, my family, my dreams of children with Jimmy, our dream of growing
old together, our dream of becoming missionaries together, our dream of
renewing our vows in Hawaii for our 10 year anniversary, our dream of adopting
children that need good parents, our dreams of children growing up and going to
college...getting married…having kids of their own someday, Our dream of going
to India, our dreams of many more holidays, birthdays, years together…I think I
have made my point. For anyone that
thinks they lost more than me and wants to keep telling me that STOP!!! I don’t
want to heart it ever again. I still can’t believe that things like “I knew him
X amount of years and you ONLY knew him for 3”, has even been said to me as a
widow. Ok enough of that tangent.

I went to Galveston for a few days and it was a good time to
reflect on what has happened in the past 2 ½ months…I cannot and will not allow
myself to be in a relationship with anyone that abuses me, emotionally or physically.
When I am made to feel over and over again that I am not and was not important
to my husband that is abuse in my book…and you will no longer be in a
relationship with me! I also had time to think about memories…those that I had
with my wonderful husband…those that we didn’t get to make together…and those
that I want to make in the future. I want to have those around me that only
want that best for me and want good memories for my future. I want people
around me that support me and build me up not talk about me behind my back and
put a knife in it so to speak when I’m not looking.

I have come to a conclusion: people that abuse me with not
be allowed in my life anymore, and I have to carry on the legacy that Jimmy
left behind. He stood of for the truth no matter the cost to him, he loved
people (all people) without conditions, he also knew who to keep close to him
and who he needed distance from, he knew that relationships are far more
important in this life than work, he lived out what Christ taught us LOVE. Jimmy
loved God so much that that love (agape) spilled over onto everyone else…he had
no choice but to love everyone because he loved God so much. And that is what
made him such an amazing husband, son, brother and friend!

"Teacher, which
is the great commandment in the Law?" And he said to him, "You shall love the Lord your God with
all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great
and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as
yourself. On these two commandments
depend all the Law and the Prophets." Matthew 22:36-40

We are to love everyone, this however does not mean let
people walk all over you or abuse you. Jesus never let anyone speak bad about
His father or Truth. He only kept a select few into His inner circle…there was
a reason for this. Maybe the reason was because He knew that He could only
really pour into so many people at once, maybe He knew that it would be hard
for any more people to travel together all over the place, maybe it was because
that is how many tribes there were and they were supposed to go out and
minister to those tribes…who knows Jesus did not tell us Himself we are left
guessing. However we can learn from how He approached His life…love (agape=unconditional,
self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love) everyone but only
let a few into our inner circle and love (Phileo=means to have an affection for
or brotherly love) them in a different way than you would all of human kind,
then you have the love for a spouse (Eros=intimate love or romantic love) this is meant to be shared with only one
person your spouse. Also we are not told to love the sin by any means, we are
told to love the person and we are to want the best for that person and the
best would be a relationship with Jesus and for them to leave the sin behind.

We are to love
the Lord far more than we love anyone else and when we do the only thing that
will come from that is to love (agape) His people also. We will be filled with so much love by loving our Lord
more than anyone or anything else that it is a part of our very nature to love
(agape) for all of His children. So I ask you, do you love God so much that you
only want what is best for His people…that being a relationship with Jesus?

2 months down...a lifetime to go

    on Wednesday, September 14, 2011 at 11:24pm

So the 15th marks 2 months without my love, my
best friend, my partner in crime, my encourager, my defender, my leader, my
true north, my spell checker, my garbage taker outer, my paperwork dealer, my
checkbook manager, my business partner, my silly end to my day, my companion,
my other half. I never thought that
today would be harder than the day that I found out my husband would not take
another breath on Earth. The shock of it all has long since worn off, and I am
left with all the pain, the broken heart, the not wanting to get out of bed,
the anger, the endless paperwork, the nonstop crying, the longing to be with my
husband again, the anger, the bitterness, the lack of clarity of mind, the lack
of desire to do just about anything, the horror that is my life, the lack of a
future that I thought I had, did I mention the anger? I am angry that the future that Jimmy and I
thought we had is not gone, I am angry when I have to take out the garbage, I
am angry that people think I should just “move on”, I am angry that I am alone,
I am angry that I don’t feel God right now, I am angry that I can’t be where
Jimmy is, I am just plain angry at about anything that happens right now.

I want so much to get through this…I just wish it could go
quicker than one moment at a time. Today I was putting clothes away in my (that
is hard to even say since it was our) closet and I went to put something of
mine in the place where Jimmy’s clothes were, complete meltdown! Really all
women want is their husband’s space in the closet, we push their clothes over
and over until we have at least 75% of the closet. Well today I would have
given Jimmy 100% of the closet if he would just come back to me. Why is it that
I wanted more of the space until he was gone? I did appreciate my husband and
EVERYTHING he did for me so it is not that I just needed to understand how much
he did for me or how much I should appreciate him. To put my stuff where his
stuff “belongs” that was just too much for me to deal with. He should be here
and his clothes should have an owner still. I should be able to hug my husband
while wearing his favorite shirt not just hug the shirt!

In the past two months I have had to deal with the loss of
my husband, the loss of our dreams together, the loss of our family, the loss
of being us, the mounds and mounds of paperwork (really does there need to be
this much paperwork?), medical bills coming in, a new “normal”, getting onto a
plane without Jimmy, sleeping (or lack thereof) alone, picking out a tombstone,
visiting my husband at his grave for his birthday, a phone trial for
unemployment, going back to the same doctor for my own visit, doing everyday
stuff without Jimmy, living without my other half. I am not sure how I have come through all of
this without ending up in a mental institution…it is ONLY through the grace of
the LORD that I have made it through each and every moment. It is through HIS
strength and HIS alone that I can and will make it through all of this.

I feel so alone through all of this, people in my age group
are getting married, having kids, buying homes, fighting about who gets to pick
the movie this time. Me…my cross to bear is being a widow. How do I go on from
here? Is there anyone who can understand my loss? My pain? Is there anyone in
my age group that even understands being a widow? This is not “normal” for
someone my age. I don’t know how to relate to the people that are my age. I
have to grieve the loss of a future that would have looked a lot like theirs
and they get to have it. I know that God is right there with me and HE is
holding me through all of this…I just need to feel it in my heart.

I want to encourage any of you that read this to not take
anyone in your life for granted. They are a gift from God, they are precious
and should be treated as such. Do not waste even one minute on being angry at
another person, be quick to say you’re sorry and even quicker to forgive. Love
those in your life without conditions. Love the LORD more than anyone else
because HE is the one that will ALWAYS be there in your life no matter what.

My thoughts

   on Sunday, September 11, 2011 at 3:12pm
I feel like I need to put some thoughts out there…this is not going to be a happy post so if you want to stop reading now is the time.
Every time I look at the rings on my left hand I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I see a family walking to their car or sitting together in Church or out to eat (just normal everyday things)...I get angry….then sad…then mad.
Every time I hear someone tell their spouse “I love you” I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I see a picture of Jimmy…I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I have a thought of being single again…I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time a thought of remarriage comes to mind I want to throw up…then I get angry…sad & mad.
Every time I even think about doing everyday “normal” stuff I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every day at about 4:30 (when Jimmy would be home from work) I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time Max cries as if a piece of him is missing I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I do the laundry by myself I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I put the dishes away alone I get angry…then sad…then mad.
During these everyday things I feel like someone is stabbing my over and over again. I feel like my life cannot or will not go on. Or maybe I feel like it shouldn’t go on. I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and it be one year from now. I want all the hard “firsts” to be over with. I know my husband will not be here with me again on Earth but that is all I want right now. I want him back with me!
What makes me so angry, sad and mad? Right now I am mad that the LORD took my husband…yes that is right he just took him off of this Earth without any warning, without any goodbyes, no last “I love you” to say…nothing. I am left empty and alone. For all of you that are going to say that I am not empty or alone…I know that the LORD is with me but I am not feeling it right now. I am so very angry right now…angry at everyone, at everything, at everyday life. I am angry that life goes on without my wonderful husband!
I am sad that he is not here to share life with anymore, I am sad that I didn’t say one last “I love you”, I am sad that I have to go on with life. I am sad that my other half is gone, I feel like my whole being was ripped in half…and to be honest it really was seeing as how we were one flesh. I am sad that my brain is mush and I can’t think anymore. I am sad that I am not myself anymore…that I can’t even smile at the little things in life that should make me happy.
I am mad that this is my life from now on. I am mad that this is my cross to bear. I am mad that people tell me to “go on with life.” For all of you that have ever said that to a person that is grieving please don’t do it again…it does not help! I am mad that my heart is broken into a million pieces. I am mad that I am always made out to be the bad guy with certain people. I am mad that I have to do all the paperwork (that was Jimmy’s job) by myself. I am mad that sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t breathe. I am mad that I can’t wake up tomorrow and it be one year from now.
Please do not get upset by this post…these are my thoughts and they are not directed at anyone…or to anyone. I just need an outlet for my thoughts. Please if anything pray that the LORD himself heal my broken heart. Pray that the LORD will guide me through my new life. Pray that I will draw close to HIM through this time as right now I don’t feel like doing that. Thank you all for your prayers and support!

LORD draw me close to you

   on Thursday, September 8, 2011 at 8:25pm
As I was in Pittsburgh and Canada I had these thoughts that my life would be back to “normal” when I got back home to Houston. However Jimmy is not here and my life with never be back to the “normal” that I knew for the past 3 years. I have to create a new “normal” and to be honest I don’t want to. I just want my husband back. I know I will never have my husband back and that the next time I see him will be when I meet our Savior…he will be the next person I see, I am sure of that!
It is so hard for me to understand why all of this happened. It is so hard to “go on with life” like so many people tell you. I just want everything and everyone to stop and mourn my wonderful husband as much as I do. I understand that this is not going to happen, it isn’t even possible for most people to understand the love that we shared. We live in a society that laughs in the face of love, that says if you don’t like this person then just get rid of them, that divorces people over anything. The love that we had was unconditional, it was pure, Jimmy loved me as Christ loves His Church. I know without a doubt that my husband would have given up his life for me, as Christ did for each of us here on Earth. Sometimes I find myself begging God to let him come back to me. Then I realize just how selfish this is to ask. Jimmy is with the LORD himself and who am I to ask to have him back? Jesus wanted him in Heaven and not only is it selfish for me to want him back it is not what Jimmy or the LORD would want.
I can imagine Jimmy worshiping Jesus as His feet…I can see that great smile on his face…I can hear him clapping as he sings to Him. My husband is in a better place and I have to give him back to the LORD as he was only a gift to me in the first place. LORD I need you to help my heart heal. I want to love you more than anyone else in the world. Please draw me close to you in this hard time.

My husband...then and now

    on Sunday, August 28, 2011 at 1:14pm

As I sat in the Church that we got married in today it was a bit surreal. I wanted so bad to be back at the day we both said "I do" in order to just spend more time with my husband. As I sat there I thought about these words...

I, Jimmy, commit all that I am to you, Lisa, to be one with you in marriage. By God’s Spirit I promise to love you as Jesus loves His church; with all my heart, and to be true and faithful, patient, kind and unselfish. I promise to stand beside you always, in times of joy and in times of sorrow. I also promise to lead our family in a spiritually understanding way, always seeking to honor, respect, trust and serve you in sickness and in health by showing you love in the ways you need to be loved. I dedicate our marriage, our family and our home to the lordship of Jesus Christ and promote your usefulness to God. I pledge myself and all that I am to you in love.

This is what Jimmy said to me on our wedding you see there was no "till death do us part" however I know that is what is implied. Sometimes I feel so very far away from Jimmy then others I feel like he is right there with me in all that I do. We have a Spiritual connection that was shared through our covenant of marriage, therefore that connection will never end. I am certain that I will see him again one day until then I need to trust in the LORD and all that he has for me. My heart now belongs only to Jesus, my eternal husband.

Lord I ask for your direction in my life and in everything that I do from now on. I want only your will in my matter what the brings!!

Strength...who's is it?

  on Friday, August 26, 2011 at 8:28am

So many people are saying that I am a strong woman...and I want to thank you for your kind words and your support!! But I wanted to take some time to just say a few words about all of this...

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-11
It is not me that is is Christ in me that makes me strong! I am not able to take credit for the strength that I have. Due to the fact that I have been leaning on HIM for strength in my weakness I am strong. But I want everyone to understand that it is ALL because of Christ that I can be strong at all in this time of sorrow. I am called to trust in Christ in every situation and that is what I have done. Through this trust I am able to have a peace that I would not have otherwise.

I choose You LORD....and no one else!!!

  on Saturday, August 20, 2011 at 10:03am
"choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD." Joshua 24:15

This is the verse that the LORD gave me when I woke up this morning. I have come to this realization either I honor God through this very traumatic situation or not. I either allow Him to comfort me or not. I can either stay in my house and let the depression take over or I can allow other people to minister to me. The Lord has given me a very difficult cross to bear will I use it to glorify Him or not?
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31

We are told to do everything for the glory of God…wow! Everything? I have been entrusted with a very great loss, a very great pain, a very tragic story…but it does not end there! Yes the Lord has entrusted me with a story that I can choose to use to glorify Him or not! I choose to let my story glorify HIM…however He chooses to use it. God does not tell us that He is only good when are circumstances are good…He tells us that He is good all the time. Therefore, the cross that He had given me to bear is what He knows I can handle, He knows that I can and will trust Him through all of this, He knows that I will allow Him to comfort me, He knows that I want His will above all else…He knows me better than I know myself. God has entrusted this story to me in order for Him to be glorified! I choose to let Him be glorified though my sorrow.
3Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 5For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.[a] 6 If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. 7Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort. 2 Corinthians 1:3-7
I can either choose to allow myself to be comforted or not. There are many people in my life that want to comfort me and I can either allow them in or not. I choose to let the Lord work through His people. I don’t understand why God chooses to work in this way but He does, however I still have that choice. I thank the Lord that He has given me such amazing people to gather around and lift me up. I am so blessed to have the people around me that I do.

God Is Our Fortress

1God is our refuge and strength,
a very present[b] help in trouble.
2Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,
though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,
3though its waters roar and foam,
though the mountains tremble at its swelling.
4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy habitation of the Most High.
5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;
God will help her when morning dawns.
6 The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;
he utters his voice, the earth melts.
7 The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come, behold the works of the LORD,
how he has brought desolations on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the chariots with fire.
10 "Be still, and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!"
11 The LORD of hosts is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Psalm 46

I will be still before the Lord, and not let this depression overtake me. I choose to love the Lord no matter what, I choose to serve Him no matter what, I choose to glorify Him no matter how bad it hurts, I choose to let the Lord minister to me however He sees fit…Lord I give everything over to you! I give you my grief, my heart, my will, my mind, my desires, my life, my hurts, my scars…I give you my ALL. Lord I trust you and you alone!!

Who am I?

   on Wednesday, August 17, 2011 at 3:52pm

I was talking to a friend the other day and had to say I am
single....really? I am single and I have to guard my heart...why? Why am I
again single...why do I need to guard my heart again...why did my husband have
to go home so soon? I have so many whys and sometimes I feel like I don't have
any answers. Am I Mrs. Eapen? Should I wear my wedding rings? Am I married....I
have that I'm not other than to Jesus. My heart hurts to see my
wedding ring on but it hurts more to take it off. My heart hurts to look at
pictures of us....but it hurts more to take them off the wall. I have taken all
of a handful of pictures since the death of my beloved…those of you that know
me know this is not normal for me! Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe
because the grief is so bad and hurts so much. I want to not be at my house yet
it comforts me to be where we spent so much time together. I wish I know what
to feel and how to feel. I know I am allowed to feel however I want…I just wish
that my feelings were not so mixed up right now.

I am well past the numb stage in grief…and sometimes I wish
it would come back. I don’t like feeling the gut wrenching pain all the time.
He is gone…and yes he is with our LORD right now but I still feel the pain. I
want him back!! I want all the promises we made to come about. I want to have a
family together…I want to be in missions together…I want to grow old together…I
want to hear him say “I love you” again…I want it all yet I want nothing right
now. I have asked the LORD to take me more than once in the last month…but that
is not His plan for me. He only wants what is good for me and I have to believe
that this is what is good for me. I have to remind myself every day that this
is HIS plan and it IS what is best for me otherwise it would not have

How do you move onto the next day when you feel like you are
only half a person? For those of you that are married I promise you…you do not
fully understand being one with a person until they are gone…we can’t
understand that fully until we no longer have them there with us. He made me a
better me, he brought out all the best in me. I am glad that I have become a
better person due to his love for me. I just don’t understand…he was the
perfect husband for me and I can’t understand why the LORD just took him from
me. Who am I without my other half? Who am I as a widow? Who am I LORD?

4 weeks today...but God is STILL awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    on Friday, August 12, 2011 at 3:58pm

Today marks 4 weeks without my wonderful husband. Each and every
day I see more and more how the Lord prepared me and Jimmy for this path that
we would go down. The Lord knew that I would never be able to handle it if I
had to watch Jimmy take his last breath and he saved me from seeing that. The
Lord knew that without my family here in Houston that I would need a Church
family to pick up the pieces and he provided a Church family that is amazing…they
loved Jimmy almost as much as I did and they are taking care of me as if it
were Jimmy himself taking care of me. The Lord knew that I would need a place
to stay that I could afford and he provided that almost a year ago, He knew
that I would not be able to go back to work yet and he provided me with
unemployment since March of this year. This made it possible for me to spend
more time with Jimmy in the last few months of his life and give me the freedom
to not go back to a job right away after the loss of my husband. I am amazed at
the plan that the Lord put in place long before I ever knew that it was needed.
I am so thankful to the Lord for His protection over me, His love for me, His
understanding of me and His plan for me life. I pray now that the Lord would
guide me into the path that He has for me. I want to be in the will of the Lord
for my life…I do not want to rush into anything as I want only what HE wants
for me. Even though losing Jimmy has been hard and I am sure I will never be
the same person after this, I also know that the plan that God has for me is
the best. Jimmy was the best husband in the world for me and I know that even
if I had known that this would happen I would have married him anyway because
it was the Lord’s plan for both of our lives and our marriage was a huge
blessing to both of us.

I ask you all to keep praying for all of those that lost
Jimmy as this is such a hard thing to deal with. I also ask for to keep praying
that I look for what the Lord has for me in the next weeks, months and years to
come as I only what HE wants!!!

Thank you all so much for your love and support
To God be the glory!!!

Lord you alone are good

    on Tuesday, July 19, 2011 at 5:17am
Dear Lord Jesus,
I have no idea what your plans are for my life. You have given me so much and yes I have lost so very much but you say that everything is for your glory and I am choosing to believe that now. You gave me that most amazing husband for 2 years and 45 days and my heart is so very thankful for that...yet breaking that it had to end in such a short time. Lord, please put my heart back together in your time. I know that if you would have told me on my wedding day that all of this would happen in such a short time I still would have married him because I could not see my life without him in it. the time that we had together was filled with so much joy and that is what I will remember until the day you call me home. Lord, you have the perfect plan for each of our lives and I know you are holding me in your arms at this very moment because that is the very thing that I am in need of. Lord, I give my entire life to you and trust that your plans are what is best for me.
In Jesus name,