Thursday, October 6, 2011

Who am I?

   on Wednesday, August 17, 2011 at 3:52pm

I was talking to a friend the other day and had to say I am
single....really? I am single and I have to guard my heart...why? Why am I
again single...why do I need to guard my heart again...why did my husband have
to go home so soon? I have so many whys and sometimes I feel like I don't have
any answers. Am I Mrs. Eapen? Should I wear my wedding rings? Am I married....I
have that I'm not other than to Jesus. My heart hurts to see my
wedding ring on but it hurts more to take it off. My heart hurts to look at
pictures of us....but it hurts more to take them off the wall. I have taken all
of a handful of pictures since the death of my beloved…those of you that know
me know this is not normal for me! Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe
because the grief is so bad and hurts so much. I want to not be at my house yet
it comforts me to be where we spent so much time together. I wish I know what
to feel and how to feel. I know I am allowed to feel however I want…I just wish
that my feelings were not so mixed up right now.

I am well past the numb stage in grief…and sometimes I wish
it would come back. I don’t like feeling the gut wrenching pain all the time.
He is gone…and yes he is with our LORD right now but I still feel the pain. I
want him back!! I want all the promises we made to come about. I want to have a
family together…I want to be in missions together…I want to grow old together…I
want to hear him say “I love you” again…I want it all yet I want nothing right
now. I have asked the LORD to take me more than once in the last month…but that
is not His plan for me. He only wants what is good for me and I have to believe
that this is what is good for me. I have to remind myself every day that this
is HIS plan and it IS what is best for me otherwise it would not have

How do you move onto the next day when you feel like you are
only half a person? For those of you that are married I promise you…you do not
fully understand being one with a person until they are gone…we can’t
understand that fully until we no longer have them there with us. He made me a
better me, he brought out all the best in me. I am glad that I have become a
better person due to his love for me. I just don’t understand…he was the
perfect husband for me and I can’t understand why the LORD just took him from
me. Who am I without my other half? Who am I as a widow? Who am I LORD?

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