My thoughts
on Sunday, September 11, 2011 at 3:12pm
I feel like I need to put some thoughts out there…this is not going to be a happy post so if you want to stop reading now is the time.
Every time I look at the rings on my left hand I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I see a family walking to their car or sitting together in Church or out to eat (just normal everyday things)...I get angry….then sad…then mad.
Every time I hear someone tell their spouse “I love you” I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I see a picture of Jimmy…I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I have a thought of being single again…I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time a thought of remarriage comes to mind I want to throw up…then I get angry…sad & mad.
Every time I even think about doing everyday “normal” stuff I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every day at about 4:30 (when Jimmy would be home from work) I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time Max cries as if a piece of him is missing I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I do the laundry by myself I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I put the dishes away alone I get angry…then sad…then mad.
During these everyday things I feel like someone is stabbing my over and over again. I feel like my life cannot or will not go on. Or maybe I feel like it shouldn’t go on. I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and it be one year from now. I want all the hard “firsts” to be over with. I know my husband will not be here with me again on Earth but that is all I want right now. I want him back with me!
What makes me so angry, sad and mad? Right now I am mad that the LORD took my husband…yes that is right he just took him off of this Earth without any warning, without any goodbyes, no last “I love you” to say…nothing. I am left empty and alone. For all of you that are going to say that I am not empty or alone…I know that the LORD is with me but I am not feeling it right now. I am so very angry right now…angry at everyone, at everything, at everyday life. I am angry that life goes on without my wonderful husband!
I am sad that he is not here to share life with anymore, I am sad that I didn’t say one last “I love you”, I am sad that I have to go on with life. I am sad that my other half is gone, I feel like my whole being was ripped in half…and to be honest it really was seeing as how we were one flesh. I am sad that my brain is mush and I can’t think anymore. I am sad that I am not myself anymore…that I can’t even smile at the little things in life that should make me happy.
I am mad that this is my life from now on. I am mad that this is my cross to bear. I am mad that people tell me to “go on with life.” For all of you that have ever said that to a person that is grieving please don’t do it again…it does not help! I am mad that my heart is broken into a million pieces. I am mad that I am always made out to be the bad guy with certain people. I am mad that I have to do all the paperwork (that was Jimmy’s job) by myself. I am mad that sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t breathe. I am mad that I can’t wake up tomorrow and it be one year from now.
Please do not get upset by this post…these are my thoughts and they are not directed at anyone…or to anyone. I just need an outlet for my thoughts. Please if anything pray that the LORD himself heal my broken heart. Pray that the LORD will guide me through my new life. Pray that I will draw close to HIM through this time as right now I don’t feel like doing that. Thank you all for your prayers and support!
Every time I look at the rings on my left hand I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I see a family walking to their car or sitting together in Church or out to eat (just normal everyday things)...I get angry….then sad…then mad.
Every time I hear someone tell their spouse “I love you” I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I see a picture of Jimmy…I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I have a thought of being single again…I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time a thought of remarriage comes to mind I want to throw up…then I get angry…sad & mad.
Every time I even think about doing everyday “normal” stuff I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every day at about 4:30 (when Jimmy would be home from work) I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time Max cries as if a piece of him is missing I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I do the laundry by myself I get angry…then sad…then mad.
Every time I put the dishes away alone I get angry…then sad…then mad.
During these everyday things I feel like someone is stabbing my over and over again. I feel like my life cannot or will not go on. Or maybe I feel like it shouldn’t go on. I just want to wake up tomorrow morning and it be one year from now. I want all the hard “firsts” to be over with. I know my husband will not be here with me again on Earth but that is all I want right now. I want him back with me!
What makes me so angry, sad and mad? Right now I am mad that the LORD took my husband…yes that is right he just took him off of this Earth without any warning, without any goodbyes, no last “I love you” to say…nothing. I am left empty and alone. For all of you that are going to say that I am not empty or alone…I know that the LORD is with me but I am not feeling it right now. I am so very angry right now…angry at everyone, at everything, at everyday life. I am angry that life goes on without my wonderful husband!
I am sad that he is not here to share life with anymore, I am sad that I didn’t say one last “I love you”, I am sad that I have to go on with life. I am sad that my other half is gone, I feel like my whole being was ripped in half…and to be honest it really was seeing as how we were one flesh. I am sad that my brain is mush and I can’t think anymore. I am sad that I am not myself anymore…that I can’t even smile at the little things in life that should make me happy.
I am mad that this is my life from now on. I am mad that this is my cross to bear. I am mad that people tell me to “go on with life.” For all of you that have ever said that to a person that is grieving please don’t do it again…it does not help! I am mad that my heart is broken into a million pieces. I am mad that I am always made out to be the bad guy with certain people. I am mad that I have to do all the paperwork (that was Jimmy’s job) by myself. I am mad that sometimes it hurts so bad I can’t breathe. I am mad that I can’t wake up tomorrow and it be one year from now.
Please do not get upset by this post…these are my thoughts and they are not directed at anyone…or to anyone. I just need an outlet for my thoughts. Please if anything pray that the LORD himself heal my broken heart. Pray that the LORD will guide me through my new life. Pray that I will draw close to HIM through this time as right now I don’t feel like doing that. Thank you all for your prayers and support!
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