The Problem With My Organization

I can organize until everything has a place...there is just one problem. A huge piece of the puzzle is missing and will never be back. It hurts to have Jimmy's belongings around...however when I think about the fact that I should get rid of them it takes my breath away (not in a good way). As I cleaned out/ reorganized my closet today I felt a little silly that I still have our old phone because it has the message on it that Jimmy left on the answering machine. I went out and bought a new phone just so that I would have his voice on the old answering machine. Have I listened to it since he died...no. But I have it for when I do want to listen to it. But I do feel a little silly hanging onto something that isn't really needed.

His clothes are not in our/my closet anymore but they are in the guest room closet. When I walk into that closet it smells like Jimmy and it brings back so many memories of him. The smell of him overwhelms me sometimes...my emotions just take over and I cannot stop them even if I try. Today I walked into the bathroom and the smell of his cologne was lingering in there, I still don't understand that. His cologne has not been sprayed in there for 4 months how did it smell like it today? The drawers that he used in the bathroom still smell like it but they have not been opened for a week...why the smell today? Sometimes I kinda feel like I am crazy...like I am imagining things. Sometimes I feel like I can almost hear him say "take it to the Lord in prayer" then I realize it is in my head. Can you really lose your sanity due to grief? I am starting to feel like it.

As I was cleaning I found the undershirt in the plastic bag from the hospital...it is the one that Jimmy wore to the hospital. Why in the world do I still have that? Why is it in my closet? I don't want to let go of his memory but some things do need to be let go of...this plastic bag and shirt are one of those things for sure. They just bring back to mind everything that happened that day at the hospital as if it were yesterday. As black Friday comes up now I know that that day at the hospital was the blackest Friday I will ever experience in my life!

You know when I think about that experience it is just so weird to me. In this time of my life I expected to someday go into the hospital as a family of 2 and then come out a family of 3 a few days later...I never expected to go into the hospital a family of 2 and come out alone, forever alone. How is this even possible? How does something like this happen at my age? No last "I love you". Never again to have his arms around me as we go to sleep. Never again to even have that dream of coming out of the hospital as a family of 3. Who at 31 has to go and pick up their spouse's belongings from their desk at work? Please tell me if there is anyone out there? I wish someone could understand how hard this really is.

One second he was here....then the next second he was not. God literally just picked him up and carried him off to heaven as I sat in the OR waiting room. Please tell me how I am supposed to not lose my mind? I thought that God had given me all of my dreams through this marriage to such an amazing man...but God took them away in the blink of an eye. And I am called to trust even though HE took Jimmy away...even though my dreams are broken...even though some people no longer talk to me now that Jimmy is gone...even though my other half is gone...even though I feel like I am losing my mind...even though I have no family here....even though I feel alone, so completely alone now...even though I hurt so bad I can't breathe sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like it is too much for one person to bear...and it IS!!! Without Jesus I would be a puddle of emotions on the floor of the hospital STILL. I just wish that I could see and understand what my new "normal" is now.

 Please Lord help me to see the next step you have for me in life...I am so lost right now. I feel like the road I was on broke out from under my feet and as I look down I see I was on a bridge and now there is only water below me and crumbling road under my feet...and no escape route planned. I can't stand anymore...the road feels like it is going to give way and I am going to fall into the water below. Lord help me to see the Rock ahead of me...Jesus.

My life on a hamster wheel!!

All the things you need to deal with after a loved one dies....

some call it a process

some call it difficult

some call it something that is needed to be done

some call it hard

I call it...dreaded, being on a hamster wheel, so far beyond a process that it should have its own name!!

Have a mentioned that I hate paperwork? I know it all has to be done...I just wish that at least one of the people would talk to me in this long line of people I have to talk to regarding all the crappy paperwork! I went to the bank today and tried to get medallion signatures on two sets of paper (did you know that such a signature existed because I didn't!!) well they could only put the medallion stamp on one of the sets of paper. Well the info they need to be able to do the medallion stamp on one of the sets was info that I could only get by sending all this paperwork in together...UGH!!! See what I mean about being on a hamster wheel...

Each set of paperwork, or phone call to a company or anything that needs to get done when someone dies is like getting onto a new hamster wheel each time. When you are done with one wheel it is onto the next wheel to keep going in circles over and over and over again. I can't even explain the exhaustion from all this pointless running in circles. I am really starting to feel like this is all pointless.

I can't even pay off our car since my name is not on the account...really you won't even take my money to pay the car off? I mean come on...you would think that you could get them to talk to you if you say you are going to pay off the debt. NO you can't if your name is not on the account then forget it!

I mean the way they treat you...with disrespect, attitudes and just plain being mean...no one should have to be treated this way especially not a widow. I mean come on...I lose my husband and you want to talk to me with an attitude? Well let me tell you I am the queen of attitude and they have not even began to see it at this point!! I am so sick of dealing with the rude people...the attitudes...the disrespect!!

I can understand why people do not want to deal with all of this after someone dies! I now understand why years  go by and these things are not done!!

Interview...am I supposed to be happy?

I had an interview on Thursday Oct 20...as I went to bed the night before the interview and started thinking. (That is something I should not do sometimes.) I was not nervous about the interview itself, I was upset that I HAVE to move on with life. I was laying there feeling this paralyzing pain that I don't even know how to describe...I started to feel like I could not breath...then I felt like I didn't even want to breath...then I started to be mad about the fact that I have no choice! I do not have a choice but to work. So here I am thinking about the fact that my life is so abnormal compared to most people my age. The fact that most of this in not a choice for me now...it upsets me sometimes. Then I think about what I wanted in life, I wanted to be a wife & mother and stay at home with my kids so that I was the one to raise them...not someone else. Well that is just not my life, and I even said that I wanted to finish my degree so that one day if I HAD to support myself and possibly children by myself that I would be able to do so. Here I am no children but a degree in which I will be able to support myself. Thank God for the fact that I did finish undergrad in order for me to have a degree so that I am able to make more money so that I can support myself and be able to pay medical bills from the day that my husband died and the rest of the debt that is piled up.

I am thankful that I will be able to earn the money that I need...however I am not happy about the direction that my life has taken.

What is the cost of eternal life?

As I sat and listened to Dave Ramsey with hundreds of couples around me I again felt like a fish out of water. I know there were people there that were single even people that have dealt with the loss of a spouse. However you see the people in the crowd that have what you don't have, they become more prominent to you. I have begun to look at the world through this filter that I never had before, a filter of loss/what is missing in my life. Yes when I was single before marriage I looked at married people with a longing, however this is different. I am looking at those that have their spouse with a longing for what I had not what I wish to have. Our relationship was so strong in 2 years that if you just saw us together for the first time many would think we had been married for 15-20 years. We went through enough struggles to last 15-20 years and that is what drew us closer to each other. Through our struggles, when so many marriages fail, we became closer to each other and to the LORD. I know that is rare these days and my heart is grateful to have had it, even for only 2 years.  Yet at the same time my heart is sad to not have it for 50 more years with Jimmy.

Then as Dave went on about paying off your debt, which was one of the struggles that Jimmy and I dealt with in our marriage, I started to think about my life now. Due to my husband's wisdom I am now able to pay off the debt that had once been a struggle in our relationship. Wow, I can be debt free in the very near future however....it was NOT free. Me being able to pay off this debt came a very high cost. A cost that I never thought I would have to pay this early in life...the life of my husband. How can I pay off this debt and not think that it is was paid with such a high cost? I would take the debt times 100 if it meant that I had my wonderful husband back. I would work every day of my life to pay it off if it meant Jimmy and I could have the next 50 years together as we planned.

I started thinking about my relationship with Christ...

Then the disciples of John came to him, saying, "Why do we and the Pharisees fast, but your disciples do not fast?" And Jesus said to them, "Can the wedding guests mourn as long as the bridegroom is with them? The days will come when the bridegroom is taken away from them, and then they will fast.

~Matthew 9:14-15

If the Church is the bride of Christ should we not mourn the fact that He is not here on Earth with us as much as we would mourn the loss of our spouse? When we look at the crucifixion of Christ we tend to distance ourselves from the actual even and not think about the fact that it was because of our sins that He is on the cross in the first place. I have eternal life but it was NOT free! It came at a very high cost. A cost that we cannot even imagine...the death of our Savior, our bridegroom, our King, our mediator. Yes it was our Father's will for Him to die in place of us for our sins. WOW, do we really get that? This is such a high cost that sometimes we don't really think about it, or don't really like to think about it. So my sins (debts) have been paid for by the life of the One True Lamb. Do we long to see Him in heaven as much as we long to see our loved ones? We should long to see Him!! He gave His life and made it possible that you can even see that loved one again...He gave His life so that we no longer have a separation from God.

for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,  and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins.

~Romans 3:23-25

There is not one person out there that can say they have never sinned, we are told that ALL have sinned, that we ALL fall short of God's glory. Jesus had to die for our sins to be forgiven and God the Father & God the Son both loved us so much that this was the plan. I am amazed at how much I am loved by God!! Does that not amaze you? If Jesus had chosen not to give His life for us then we would be living by the law and would still be sacrificing animals for our sins. We would not have the assurance that we WILL  see our loved ones (that believed in Christ as their savior) again in heaven. The longing to see Jesus is becoming stronger and stronger and the longing to see Jimmy is just staying the same. I want to see the one that gave His life for mine, that made it possible to see my husband again! Jesus IS the name above ALL names!!!