Thursday, August 23, 2012

What a sad & emotional day...

Today my wonderful husband would have turned 35, I am sure this number does not mean anything in Heaven. To me this means that there is one more birthday without him, a day to celebrate the life he so fully lived here, a day where tears flow freely, a day where the cycle of grief overwhelms me again & a day that I am grateful to "check" off the calendar. It is very hard to remember him now, hard to remember the "little" things he did to make me love him, the wonderful smile he had, the way he would love to annoy me (I am thankful that he did annoy me because that was a way for him to show his love), the toothbrush left on the counter with the toothpaste to match in the sink, the way he loved our "son" I mean cat ;)....there is so much I am forgetting!!
There are times when I see other people's pictures and it makes me sick to my stomach. What comes to my mind is..."why does this person get to have their husband and their kid(s)?" "why do I not get the 'dream'?" "why not me Lord?" I have gotten to the point that I don't even look at most people's pictures on facebook anymore due to the fact that it starts a whole emotional rollercoaster for me. It seems so unfair that they get to have what I always wanted and I am "stuck" with being a widow...for real WHY Lord? I know it isn't for me to question...but I do!
It is so hard to go through a day like today and not question what is going on in my life. How can such an amazing man of God be taken away so suddenly like that? Why not a husband who beat his wife? Why not a man who did drugs? Why not a man who was drinking while driving? Why not anyone else other than MY husband? This questioning gets me nowhere though. It just leads me down a road that is a dead end. Because I am not meant to know the answer to any of my questions at least for the time being if not until I am in Heaven with the Lord and Jimmy.
I am learning that I need to be content right where I am even though it is not  the path I would have chosen for my life. God is still good, He is still with me no matter if I think about turning my back on him or not, the Lord loves me no matter what, He loves me more than anyone (including Jimmy) ever could! However it is still a conscious choice to turn to Him, love Him, follow Him & trust Him every day!! We all have this choice, there are times that we chose to go our own way instead though. I have found that His yoke really is easy and His burden is light. All we have to do is choose to follow Him and trust Him not ourselves!   

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Being needed...

While I was at work today there was a resident that came up to me and put his hand out to reach for me. I put my hand out and held his hand, he then pulled my arm close to his body as if hugging it. I then asked him if he needed a hug and he said yes, so I gave him a hug. He held me so tight as if I was going to leave or something. It made me feel so needed and wanted I can't even explain how much joy filled my heart.

In the past month or so I have been feeling like I have no purpose at this job anymore or maybe even in life. To be honest I was really feeling like I would never have a purpose again. I was starting to feel like no matter what happens I will always end up with pain and sorrow in my life. It can be hard to see any blessings when your entire life seems to be one hardship after the next.

Today I was reminded that my purpose is to glorify God be loving his people. There are times when his people are the very people that I have no desire to love. I wish I could say that it is always easy for me to love God children but some people that call themselves Christians are the biggest hypocrites. The Lord is teaching me that He has called me to love even those that I would see as "unlovable."

I just need to allow the Lord to teach me how to love all of His children. I have been asking Him to allow me to see others they way that He sees them.  I just want to be more like Christ and I know this is part of what needs to change in my life in order for me to be more like Him. Something else that the Lord has brought to my attention is that I have to put Him first no matter what. I still don't understand why this is such a hard lesson for me to learn but it sure is! Please pray for this with me.  

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

13 Months Down & A Lifetime to go...

Every other month as the 15th was approaching I would become more depressed and anxious. This month I was not nearly as depressed or anxious. So I thought that today would not be that bad however it was a very stressful day. On the bright side today was not all about me thinking about not having Jimmy with me.

I am thankful that my mind was not focused on what I have lost that is a huge blessing!!  I do miss Jimmy very much but I find myself not really focusing on that as much anymore. I am happy that Jimmy is in a better place, that he has no pain, that he can eat whatever he wants, he can sing at the top of his lungs...and so on. He is so happy that I can't even imagine how happy he is.

I have learned so much about myself in the past 13 months. I am much stronger than I thought I was but only through the strength of Christ! I am the type of person that likes things to be easy, normally when things are not easy I run the other way. I don't like to not be in control, it causes a lot of anxiety for me when I don't know what comes next. It is hard for me to trust anything without knowing the plan and also accepting the plan.

{ Things I need to work on }

Trust -- on God and authority

Staying when things are not as I planned

Letting go of my plan

Leaning on God for my strength

{ Please join me in praying for God to help me in all of these areas. }