3 Years of Marriage

Since I am not legally married anymore I guess that today isn't really my wedding anniversary, however my heart is still married.

{The heart is a funny thing...it does not pay attention to the law.}

How can it be that I am not really married but my heart is still married? Will my heart always be married? Will I ever be able to let go of the past in order to move on with the future? I am sure that one day I will be able to move onto the future and not focus on the past, I just pray that it happens soon.

Today I am going out to lunch with a friend, then to the grave and then back home to watch our wedding video. I feel that watching the video will help me to remember my wonderful husband but also to put our marriage into the past for me. This might sound harsh to some of you, but the reality is that he is no longer my husband. I will see him again but even in Heaven he will not be my husband, Jesus will take that role in my life once I am in Heaven not Jimmy.

Our First Anniversary 

I want to take the time to celebrate the wonderful husband that Jimmy was. He loved me without conditions...no matter what he loved me. I once told him that every time we hung up the phone I wanted to say "I love you"  because it could be the last time we hear it from the other one as you never know when the Lord will call you home. As Jimmy was being wheeled to the OR the day he was called home his last words were "I love you."  I believe that he knew it would be the last time I heard it and made sure that it was the last thing that he said to me.

He was so caring and a great protector. He always cared more about my feelings than he did his own. He would ask me if I felt loved all the time as he knew that when I felt loved that in turn I knew that he was taking care of me. I had to go to the dentist yesterday and get a tooth pulled and I realized this morning that Jimmy would have stayed home today with me not just because it is our anniversary but also because he would want to take care of me in my time of need. Every time I had a migraine he would make me go to bed and then he would get me everything that I needed. He would not let me get up for anything other than to use the restroom. He was so amazing.

He was a hero in my eyes! He would have done anything and everything that I needed and most of what I wanted also ;) He went to work every day no matter how much pain he was in. Even though he dealt with pain on a daily basis due to crohn's disease, he always had a smile on his face. Even when he was in the hospital with huge amounts of pain he would always say..."but God is good!!" How amazing that he could see the greatness of God no matter what. He was my hero for sure.

Jimmy made me a better me! He helped me to let go of fears, to let go of qualities that are not of God, to see people how the Lord sees them, to love without conditions, to love God more than any human being (still learning this one)...the list goes on. He only wanted the best for me and did not settle for good but made sure that I strived for great. He truly brought out the best in me and I am so thankful for him and for the fact that he helped me to become a better person.

My Best Friend

Thank you Lord for the 2 years of marriage to such an amazing man, thank you for the 3 1/2 years that I had with him, thank you for allowing me the privilege to have such an amazing hero in my life and for giving him to me to care for and to have as a best friend!! God you are so amazing!!

Our Second Anniversary

 

Operation Getting Healthy

On the exercise front...

Last week I got up at 4:30am each morning and did a one mile walking video, it was hard to get up that early but I did it Monday-Friday. I was thinking that I needed to start adding in some strength training as well. So I did some pushups (girly ones...ha ha), some abs exercises and some leg exercises. I made sure to alternate between upper and lower body as to not make my muscles hurt too much. Some pain is ok but too much will cause me to stop working out all together. It is good to know your own limitations.

On Saturday I also washed the car by hand. I know that this might not seem like that much of a workout but it sure is, especially when your short and you have to climb on the car just to reach the roof :) After I washed the car I went to the pool to just lay there in the sun and listen to music...yep I am sun burnt! You would think that I would learn to put on like spf 50 sunscreen but I never do!!  I have decided that Sunday will always be a day to rest from exercising because I need a day to let my body recover.

On the emotional front...

I have had a hard week emotionally, I suspect this is due to our 3 year wedding anniversary coming up. It is so hard to believe that last year we celebrated our 2 year anniversary together and then this year he is gone. So much can change in 365 days! Wednesday May 30th would have marked 3 years of marriage for us...what does that day mean now? I don't even know!

Please pray for me on that day as it will be a very difficult day for me. I did take the day off of work as I knew that it would be an awful day for me, so that is a blessing at least.

On the Spiritual front...

I have been praying more and reading the Bible more. I am very thankful that God has placed a friend into my life that is holding me accountable for this area of my life as I have always struggled with this. I can now feel that God is right there holding me through all of this and that He is picking up the pieces of my heart. He is healing my heart and I am so thankful that He is.

On the Creative front...

I have not done anything creative this week but I am coming up with ideas of new projects. Once I get some done I will post new pictures :)

Update on getting healthy...

Thank you all for your prayers especially the last 3-4 weeks!! I was so sick with that sinus infection that I was given 3 rounds of antibiotics and then finally 6 days of steroids also. After all of that and tons of rest and time off of work I finally am feeling better. I don't think that I am 100% yet but close to it! Due to being sick I stopped working out daily as to not run my body down anymore. I did well with food choices though as I was not in the mood to eat :)

So an update on being healthy...

Physically: I did not work out the past 2 weeks but this week I did a mile on Tuesday and Thursday. Now that I did that and do not feel sick or run down I will start on Monday doing one mile each weekday. This means that I will be getting up at 4:30am in order to work out and get ready for work in time. Please pray for me to not get sick again and also to get enough sleep to help my immune system recover.

I also started taking my vitamins again as I had stopped after Jimmy's passing. When he was alive I would put all of his meds into a pill container on Sunday so that he did not forget to take any of his pills. So when I no longer had a need to do this I forgot to take my own vitamins. So due to that and all the stress that I was under my immune system took a huge hit. I am trying to build my immune system back up now by taking my vitamins, exercise and getting enough rest.

Emotionally: I started therapy 3 weeks after Jimmy's departure to Heaven and that has been a huge help. My therapist is a widow herself so she truly understands where I am coming from and tells me often that I am normal. It has been such a blessing to be able to talk to someone that understands and knows that what I am going through is awful. I feel that emotionally I am doing much better than even 2 months ago. Praise God for His healing!!

Spiritually: The last three weeks that I have been sick I have not gone to Church, I am so happy to actually feel like going to Church tomorrow. I need that connection with God and while I can read the Bible and study on my own and pray at home as well, there is a need to worship Him with others as well. So tomorrow I will be in Church again...praise God for healing me physically in order for me to be able to go back to Church.

Creativity: I actually felt creative in the past week!! I am so excited that I actually wanted to make something look pretty! I got a spiral notebook from the dollar store and wanted to turn it into a prayer journal. Here is the outcome...

Then I while back a great friend got me a spiraled index card notebook to use for Scripture memorization and I decided to make it pretty too...

Ten Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

Psalm 23:3

He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

As I listened to my iPod on the way home last night I heard the song"When God Made You" which is the song that Jimmy and I danced to at our wedding. I was flooded with memories of our wedding and that dance. I can remember the way that he looked at me as I walked down the aisle to him, I can remember the smile on his face as we danced, I can remember the look in his eyes as we talked for the first time that day...the list goes on. If I had heard that song a month ago and all of these memories flashed before me I would have had a complete meltdown.

When I heard it yesterday I was filled with love and joy. I had been told that one day I would be able to remember Jimmy without all the pain of that dreadful day at the hospital. It looks like that is starting to happen. As I remembered our wedding day I was filled with the joy that I felt on that day, of course it is a bit different now that Jimmy is not physically here with me. However his love is and always will be in my heart. Due to this love I am able to feel the joy that I felt on that very day.

I am amazed and overwhelmed at how the Lord restores my heart and soul. I never thought that I would be able to think about Jimmy or our life together without feeling very deep pain...but here I am feeling the love and joy that I felt on our wedding day what a huge blessing. And to think it only took ten months! I thought that the pain would be my life forevermore, however God knows what is best for me and He chose to start to heal my heart. He is such an amazing God!!

Today as I remember my wonderful husband I am filled with joy, love, admiration and also with some hurt & pain. I am so thankful that I am able to draw close to God and that He will just open up His arms and let me rest in Him. What a great God we serve!!!

I do understand that I will still have meltdowns from time to time, all the pain is not gone, that my heart is not fully healed yet, that I will have times where I don't feel the love and joy however I know that this is getting to be less and less. I am so thankful to God for His healing, for His mighty love for me, for His understanding, for never leaving me or forsaking me!! I was so angry that He took Jimmy yet He loves me no matter what!

Please keep praying for Him to heal my heart, for Him to draw me closer to Himself, for me to rely on Him and not my feelings, for me to be healthy and for a desire to be healthy & for Him to guard my heart. I know He is hearing your prayers and I thank each and every one of you that have been and are praying for me. Each one of you holds a special place in my heart!

Longings on Mother's Day

I had no idea that Mother's Day would hit me so hard this year. I guess this comes from the grief of the loss of our future. Jimmy and I were planning on having children but we were having problems in that area of our life. I believe that God gave us both a desire in our hearts to adopt even before marriage because He knew what we both would deal with in our married life.

It has been my hearts to desire to be a mother for as long as I can remember, I am now seeking for the Lord to give me the desires HE has for me only. If He wants me to be a mother then He will make that happen, I just need to step back and let HIM do that. I guess what scares me is that being a mom just might not be what He wants for me.

How can this desire that I have had since childhood not be what the future holds for me? Why did I ever have that desire in the first place? Did I put that in my heart due to media and what others showed me was "right" for a little girl? Did I long to be a mother just in order to be loved unconditionally and to love unconditionally? These are questions that I need to seek the Lord about and ask for His wisdom because I know I can't trust my own feelings and heart right now. Please join me in prayer as I seek what the Lord has for me in this area of my life.

Waves of Grief

Now that I am almost ten months past Jimmy's exit to Heaven I am seeing how grief is like the waves of the ocean.

Have you been in the ocean when the water is really rough and there are a lot of waves? As the wave hits you, you are taken under and you can either struggle against the wave or you can let it take you out knowing that it will let you up again at some point. When you get hit by one sometimes you are able to stand up before the next one hits you but then other times you are not even able to stand before the next one hits you. In the beginning of the grief process the waves of grief come at you hard knocking you down just as hard. There are times when you don't have even one second to "pull yourself together" before the next wave hits even harder. Then there are times when you have a few hours or even days before the next hard wave hits. As each waves hits you it takes you under as if trying to keep you down. You start to believe that this will be your reality for the rest of your life, the life being taken out of you by each wave.

As time goes on the waves of grief seem to be more like water that could be called moderate when the waves come but not as hard or as often. You will be taken down by the waves however they will not keep you down for near as long and they will not be quite so frightening. Since they are not coming as often you have time to stand up in between the waves. The grief comes over you at times that sometimes you expect and others you don't expect. During this time it comes over you on days that were special to you and your loved one like anniversaries, holidays and so on. Then there are times when it comes at very unexpected times such as when you remember a great memory with them, or you smell their "smell" unexpectedly. At least now you have time to catch your breath before the next waves takes you under.

As you come to a point where you are even further away from the day you lost your loved one the waves of grief seem to get even further apart and much less strong. You always have time to pull yourself together and catch your breath in between the waves. Most of the time the waves hit at times when you don't expect them and you are taken by surprise but at this point you know it will not last forever as you felt in the past. You seem to have more good days than bad ones, and even start to think that maybe just maybe your life will be good again. But as the waves of the ocean are always coming you know that your grief has not come to an end, you are just learning to cope with it in a much better way.

There will come a day when you look back and think wow I have not been taken down by a wave in a long time. (I personally am not at this stage yet however I know it will come one day) The waves no longer knock you down each time they come and they come less and less. At times you can even stand while the waves comes upon you which makes catching your breath that much easier. You have far more good days than bad and start to live out the life in which God created you for, the life that you thought would never be good again. At this point you might only cry once a year when the anniversary of your loved ones departure from this earth comes around again.

You see the waves of the ocean are a great analogy for the grief process, they never stop and God is in full control of the waves. Even though grief gets easier it will never go away fully. You will always love the person you lost and there will always be a place in your heart for that person therefore the grief will not go away it will just get less and less as the waves in the ocean clam when God clams them. Time does not heal your wounds, time just makes it easier to not think about that awful day ever time you close your eyes. Nothing here on earth will every heal any of your wounds, it is ONLY God who can and will heal your wounds if you let Him. God will pick up the pieces of your heart and put them back together in His time, but He will never force that healing onto anyone. You have to be a willing participate in this healing. God is right there holding out His hand asking you to reach out to Him and let Him be in control of your life. He wants to hold you through this awful pain but you have to seek Him.

So the choice is...stay in your pain, turn to a person here on earth that will one day leave you also, turn to chemicals to help you cope with the pain...turn away from God. OR turn to God and let Him, the healer of all healers, put your heart back together. Will there still be scars on your heart from where it was put back together...yes. But those scars will give you the unique ability to help others through the pain when their heart is broken also. How beautiful is that!!

Rise Up - Matt Maher

Rise Up - Matt Maher
Check out this song...it is a really good one :)

Prayers are needed now please

I started antibiotics a week ago and still am not feeling much better at all. I have been in contact with the doctor today and she called in another antibiotic, thank God! In the last 3 1/2 years I have been through a lot of stressors as I look back I am overwhelmed what the Lord has brought me through in this time. Planning a wedding, graduating college, getting married, moving halfway across the country, dealing with everyday normal marriage issues plus some that are not so normal, dealing with becoming part of another person's family, dealing with Jimmy's health concerns and him being diagnosed with diabetes & crohn's disease, finding a new church, cars breaking down, 3 new jobs for me one of which included dealing with abused children and going to court for them all the time, moving to a new place once in Texas, Jimmy's death (and all the struggles that have come with being a widow) & again finding a new church.

WOW!!!!

In the last 2 months I have made the choice to get healthy on all levels...physical, emotional & spiritual. I feel that this is the best way to honor God and also to honor my husband. Today I decided to start taking multi vitamins again and extra vitamin C I am praying that I keep it up daily as it is hard for me to remember sometimes.   I am starting to feel that this sickness is an attack of statan as he would not want me to honor God in anyway. Please pray that I stay steadfast to the Lord and that He would heal this sickness. Pray against statan's plan to make me turn away from the Lord. I want to feel better to be able exercise and also to go to work.

Thank you all for your prayers and support it is so much needed!