Monday, November 28, 2011

I am blessed with work

The Lord has given me a job that is so amazing. I just had to share with you  how much a blessing it has been to be there! The is a man who is probably in his sixties at least...he comes to find me and give me a hug everyday during his break. At first he just came to say hi and give me a hug, then he would bring me a tea bag to drink at night when I got home the last few times I have seen him he has brought me a picture he drew, then today he brought me a Christmas card (my first Christmas card of the season)!!  He is so sweet and now even asks about Max each day, he was so excited to see Max's picture today :)

In the past week there is another guy how is probably in his 30's who comes to me each morning and evening to pray with me. Before Thanksgiving he took my had and bowed his head and prayed to our Savior and asked Him to give me the strength to get through this Thanksgiving. He had no idea what this past 4 months has looked like for me yet the Holy Spirit led him not only to pray for me but also to pray for amazing!

God is so bring these great men into my life. All of the people there are very loving including my other coworkers. Today I had lunch with the ladies I work with and we all shared what everyone brought it was like coming home to a family meal. Not only did the Lord give me these men that are new friends but He also gave me some new family to add to the rest :)

Friday, November 25, 2011

I am lucky

I just came to the realization that I have not had a panic attack in at least a month. After Jimmy passed away I was having small panic attacks at least once a day, I guess it is just another one of those things you have to deal with as a widow. I was sitting here thinking...I have not had one in quite awhile. The very first thing I did when I came to this realization was thank the Lord for HIS goodness! Maybe this means that I am not so overwhelmed anymore. I guess that is a good sign :)

I also came to another realization, I am more like Jimmy than I thought now. I was freaking out when the checking account went below $1,000...yes I typed that right...ha ha. I used to be the one that was just fine if the account was at $20 as long as we had food in the fridge and gas in the cars, but now I feel that feeling that I have to support myself like never before. As much as I don't like it I think it is good for me. I have never really been one to think about how much money it takes to support yourself. I just thought that if there was food and the bills were paid everything was ok...I never even thought about the future. Thank God Jimmy did!!! So now as I start this new job I am thinking about saving money and retirement also...guess it is time to grow up.

I have been reflecting on how much Jimmy taught me in the 3 1/2 years I knew him. He taught me to save money for retirement, to make sure there is enough money in the bank to take care of an emergency if needed, to be positive no matter what, to not complain under any circumstances, to love without conditions, to trust the LORD with everything, to pray without ceasing, to not worry about every little thing and the list goes on and on. One of the best things he taught me is to laugh and to make people is medicine for the soul. Jimmy liked to make others laugh, it was like a mission for him. The Saturday before he passed away he was in rare form. I got to a point when I was like what is wrong with you today...he said I don't know. The funny thing is, most of the time when I would just be so annoyed I could not take it anymore I would say "that is enough" and he would stop...that day I never made him stop. Guess it was the Holy Spirit telling me to let him do it because I would miss it so much in just a few short months.

I was so lucky to be Jimmy's wife, Thank You LORD!!

I realized that one of the links was not working

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I'll be Home for Christmas

I'll be Home for Christmas,

So please don't be so sad.

This is the greatest Christmas

That I have ever had.

I'll be home for Christmas,

So please don't grieve too long.

In Heaven here with Jesus,

Is where we all belong.

The world is full of struggles,

No matter where you roam,

But please don't be discouraged;

The world is not our home.

I'll be home for Christmas,

And one day, so will you.

The angels all are waiting,

and I'll be waiting too.

~Alda Maria

This is the poem that goes with an ornament that I got today at the Family Christian Stores. I worked for this company for 5 years and every time I saw this ornament come in for Christmas it saddened me. It made me think about those out there that lost someone the prior year. I never thought that I would be that person that lost someone suddenly, but I knew when the tree was decorated yesterday that it was missing one ornament. There is someone in Heaven that should have been decorating this tree with me...but he is not this year or ever again. It does make me sad, yet it makes me happy that Jimmy is going to have the best celebration of Jesus ever this year. He does not need to be here to decorate the tree, or fill my stocking or see the snow in Pittsburgh he is Home. My heart longs to be with him, sometimes I imagine coming home to Jesus and my heart is filled with joy.

This is not going to be an easy Christmas for me...but it is the best Christmas for Jimmy. How I wish I could be there with Jesus, Jimmy and all the others that have gone before me, but the LORD is not done with me yet here on earth. I am asking for your prayers as we are now on this holiday season...there are so many in a row it is going to be a very hard time for me. It does not end after New Years, in February I will have to deal with my birthday, valentine's day & leap day (Jimmy and I met on Feb 29, 2008) this would have been the first time we could celebrate that anniversary together. To think about all these "special" days coming, makes me feel very overwhelmed. Please lift me up in your prayers.

Thank You all for your prayers and are being the hands and feet of Jesus!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Is anyone acutally reading this blog?

Is anyone reading this blog? Just wondering since there have not been any comments in the past few weeks?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Thank You LORD

On the way to my first day of work I had a meltdown, not the best thing to happen when you are driving. I was not surprised that it happened in the first place though. Going back to work for me was bitter sweet for me...I was and am happy that the Lord blessed me with this job however starting anything new without Jimmy is like trying to move on without half of yourself. I don't think anyone can understand this kind of hurt if they have not been through it themselves. When you go onto the next step it is saying yet again that they are really gone and not coming back. Every new milestone is like a slap in the face or another reminder that you are alone. I wish it was not this hard for sure...but it is and there isn't anything I can do about it other than "take it to the Lord in prayer". Jimmy told me that all the time especially when it was about him annoying me :)

Jimmy was my biggest cheerleader...oh how I miss that. No matter how little the feat Jimmy would tell me how very proud of me he was. One of the last times he said it to me it was about spending less than $100 at the grocery cute is that? He was so sweet...really the best husband in the world. I know that other people are proud of me too but Jimmy made sure to tell me all the time. He would tell me every day that I was the best wife in the world...what I wouldn't give to hear that one more day...that and "I love you". Oh the sweet "I love you"....the last words Jimmy said on this earth, oh how I am thankful for those sweet words.

So as for work, it was a good day. I went and was welcomed with open arms by all that are there. I really like what I will be doing there and those that I will be serving. I am thankful to the LORD for giving me the blessing of work and for this specific job. He really does know best for each of us. I am thankful for this job, I am also thankful that they understand that this is a very difficult time in my life. This is going to be a very good thing in my life I just need the time to grieve the lack of the future Jimmy and I had planned. It is hard that this is not what I thought my life would be like at this the end of this month Jimmy and I would have been married for 2 1/2 years this is not what anyone would expect at this point in a marriage. I really feel like I am swimming up stream...maybe I always have been in my life and I shouldn't even expect anything else at this point.

LORD thank you for this new step in my life, thank you for showing me the next step that you had for me. Thank you for the quiet time I have in the car with such a long drive to and from work, thank you for the exact amount of money I asked you for. LORD, you alone are good! Thank you for always taking care of me even when it does not seem like it to me. Thank you LORD you are always taking care of me no matter what it looks like to me.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

4 months down and a lifetime to go

I have heard so many times "you are a strong woman"

I have some thoughts on this now looking back on everything that has happened in my life. You do not become a strong person by having an easy life, that is for sure. When someone has everything handed to them all of their life they might seem strong on the outside but I would bet they are not as strong as you might think. If our views, our outlooks, our beliefs, our thoughts, our emotions, our standards, our faith, the very core of our being is not ever challenged then we have no reason to be strong.

"Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand. 27And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it." ~~Matthew 7:24-26

How do you know that the house is strong? You will never really know if it's very strength is not tested. I have been through so many trials/tests in my life it was either I become strong though Christ, or I just run the other way on the trial and on Christ. In my life there have been times where I ran away from a trial and from Christ...I am glad this is not that time. If it were not for Christ and the relationship I have with Him I would not be as strong as I am. If we allow the LORD to change us through our trial then we become strong through Him. Most of the time the hard things we go through are the very thing that will change us to become more like HIM...

"For my name’s sake I defer my anger,
for the sake of my praise I restrain it for you,
that I may not cut you off.
Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver;
I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.
 For my own sake, for my own sake, I do it,
for how should my name be profaned?
My glory I will not give to another.

~~Isaiah 48:9-11

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.

~~2 Corinthians 4:6-10

Our faith will be tested in order for the LORD to know who if for HIM and who is against HIM. The only way we can go through a trial and be strong through it is to cling to Jesus. We have to learn to rely on Him through the good times and the bad times in our do you expect to learn how to do that if you are never tested? God knows how strong of a person we are with and without Him, He also knows how strong our faith is...we are tested not for His benefit but for our own benefit!

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

~~James 1:2-4

I am just realizing that this testing is not for God's benefit whatsoever...HE already knows the outcome before it happens. This testing is all for us to prove to ourselves that we can't do anything without HIM, and when we trust (rely on with confidence of the outcome) in the LORD no matter what it builds our faith in does not build HIS confidence in us HE already knows what the outcome is and how we will react to all of it. Wow what a realization. The trials that we go through in life are 100% for our benefit and is shows just how much HE loves us! HE wants us to have a stronger faith, HE wants us to trust HIM, HE wants us to love HIM more than anything is all about bringing us closer to HIM and in a way that could not have happened if we did not go through the trial!! Thank you Lord for this realization!!

Today marks 4 months of Jimmy being in Heaven with more trials, no more hurt, no more tears, no more pain, no more people pleasing (only Jesus pleasing)! Jimmy, you are in the best place of all and as much as I love you and would like to have you here...I know that you are now 100% more more crohn's more are the way that God intended you to be in the first place!! I also know that your desire to have relationships is being fulfilled...the past is behind look onto Jesus and do not need anything else. I would love to have you here on earth with me...but that is just me being selfish, you wouldn't even want to come back if you had the choice.

Thank God for testing my faith in order to me to trust (rely on with confidence of the outcome) you completely!!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

The Problem With My Organization

I can organize until everything has a place...there is just one problem. A huge piece of the puzzle is missing and will never be back. It hurts to have Jimmy's belongings around...however when I think about the fact that I should get rid of them it takes my breath away (not in a good way). As I cleaned out/ reorganized my closet today I felt a little silly that I still have our old phone because it has the message on it that Jimmy left on the answering machine. I went out and bought a new phone just so that I would have his voice on the old answering machine. Have I listened to it since he But I have it for when I do want to listen to it. But I do feel a little silly hanging onto something that isn't really needed.

His clothes are not in our/my closet anymore but they are in the guest room closet. When I walk into that closet it smells like Jimmy and it brings back so many memories of him. The smell of him overwhelms me emotions just take over and I cannot stop them even if I try. Today I walked into the bathroom and the smell of his cologne was lingering in there, I still don't understand that. His cologne has not been sprayed in there for 4 months how did it smell like it today? The drawers that he used in the bathroom still smell like it but they have not been opened for a week...why the smell today? Sometimes I kinda feel like I am I am imagining things. Sometimes I feel like I can almost hear him say "take it to the Lord in prayer" then I realize it is in my head. Can you really lose your sanity due to grief? I am starting to feel like it.

As I was cleaning I found the undershirt in the plastic bag from the is the one that Jimmy wore to the hospital. Why in the world do I still have that? Why is it in my closet? I don't want to let go of his memory but some things do need to be let go of...this plastic bag and shirt are one of those things for sure. They just bring back to mind everything that happened that day at the hospital as if it were yesterday. As black Friday comes up now I know that that day at the hospital was the blackest Friday I will ever experience in my life!

You know when I think about that experience it is just so weird to me. In this time of my life I expected to someday go into the hospital as a family of 2 and then come out a family of 3 a few days later...I never expected to go into the hospital a family of 2 and come out alone, forever alone. How is this even possible? How does something like this happen at my age? No last "I love you". Never again to have his arms around me as we go to sleep. Never again to even have that dream of coming out of the hospital as a family of 3. Who at 31 has to go and pick up their spouse's belongings from their desk at work? Please tell me if there is anyone out there? I wish someone could understand how hard this really is.

One second he was here....then the next second he was not. God literally just picked him up and carried him off to heaven as I sat in the OR waiting room. Please tell me how I am supposed to not lose my mind? I thought that God had given me all of my dreams through this marriage to such an amazing man...but God took them away in the blink of an eye. And I am called to trust even though HE took Jimmy away...even though my dreams are broken...even though some people no longer talk to me now that Jimmy is gone...even though my other half is gone...even though I feel like I am losing my mind...even though I have no family here....even though I feel alone, so completely alone now...even though I hurt so bad I can't breathe sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like it is too much for one person to bear...and it IS!!! Without Jesus I would be a puddle of emotions on the floor of the hospital STILL. I just wish that I could see and understand what my new "normal" is now.

 Please Lord help me to see the next step you have for me in life...I am so lost right now. I feel like the road I was on broke out from under my feet and as I look down I see I was on a bridge and now there is only water below me and crumbling road under my feet...and no escape route planned. I can't stand anymore...the road feels like it is going to give way and I am going to fall into the water below. Lord help me to see the Rock ahead of me...Jesus.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Interracial Marriage

Only 13 years before I was born interracial marriage was legalized in all of the US. It was only 42 years before Jimmy and I were married. I will be honest I never did that well in it was not until I went to the Holocaust museum that I actually realized this. I know it might seem as though I am a little dense...but really I just don't see why all people can't just be treated the same no matter what color they are! I have always felt that way. I remember watching movies that showed what people went through during slavery in this country and I would just cry and ask my mom why did this happen? I still do not understand why in the world people think certain people are different because of the skin on the outside of them.

I would prefer to get to know someone for who they are inside not based on the color of their skin. If you are rude then I would prefer not to see the rest of who you are. If you are nice to me then I will probably want to get to know you more. It does not matter what color you are...if you are rude or mean to me I will not want to get to know you more. Regardless of your color if you are nice and caring towards me I will more than likely want to get to know you more. Why is it that some people look at only your skin color and nothing else!

I am so thankful that interracial marriage was allowed me to marry the best man in the world for me. If I had looked at the color of Jimmy's skin and decided that I would not get to know him based on that I would not have had such a wonderful husband. The most important characteristic I was looking for in a spouse was that he would love me without conditions...and Jimmy knew how to do that with everyone! I have to say that I am a lucky girl to have had such a wonderful husband. He stood up for me when it counted, he loved me unconditionally, he prayed for me daily, he balanced me so well, he was such an amazing man and I am so lucky that God chose me to be his wife.

Thank you Lord for such an amazing plan...Jimmy was such a great husband! Our relationship was all that a girl dreams of when she is young.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

God IS good ALL the time!!!

Oh give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
for his steadfast love endures forever!

~1 Chronicles 16:34

Enter his gates with thanksgiving,
and his courts with praise!
Give thanks to him; bless his name!

For the LORD is good;
his steadfast love endures forever,
and his faithfulness to all generations.

~Psalm 100: 4-5

For great is the LORD, and greatly to be praised,
and he is to be held in awe above all gods.

~1 Chronicles 16:25

Sing praises to the LORD, O you his saints,
and give thanks to his holy name.
 For his anger is but for a moment,
and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night,
but joy comes with the morning.

~Psalm 30:4-5

Praise the LORD, I got the call today from Brookwood Community to offer me the job!! I know this is going to be a hard step for me but it will also be a rewarding step for me. The co-workers at Brookwood and the people that I will serve are all wonderful people. I kept praying that the LORD would open the doors for me to get this job only if this is what HE wanted for me. I did not want to take this step if it was not what the LORD had for me. When I got the call today they offered me the exact number that I knew I NEEDED (yes only what I needed not what I wanted) in order for me to survive on. When I heard that number I knew this is the next step that the LORD wanted me to take! He is so good...He is so faithful!

I know this is going to be a very difficult step in my life. I know that there are going to be hard days. I know that not everything will go my way. I know that sometimes I will want to give up (there are days that I feel that way even now). But I also know that this is from the LORD Himself and that HE wants me to take this step. He will give me everything I need for this next step in my life all the good times and the bad times. I just have to lean on Him and make sure HE is the one in control of my life not me! Thank you all for your prayers for this job...He heard and His answer was YES!!!

Monday, November 7, 2011

This pain will be used for my good

I tried to sleep but it is useless...

sometimes I am terrified that I will forget him.

Sometimes this feeling overwhelms me so much that I can't even take a breath. I am starting to forget how it felt when he held me before we went to what it sounded like to hear him say "I love you"...feeling the warmth of his arms around me while I cooked or washed dishes...the exact sound of his laugh. It hurts so bad that I can't fully remember the sound of his was so great and he laughed so much. Oh how I long to hear his car pull up and the door shut at about 5pm...he would be greeted by Max who was waiting for his "daddy" to come in the door...I want to burn these moments into my memory.

I feel like I am losing him all over again, and it breaks my heart all over again. I want to hear his laugh again....everyday. I want to hear him tell me "I love you" again...I want to feel his arms around me again. I would stay in his arms forever if I could. I am in so much pain...and I wish I could explain this kind of pain, it is not like when you get a paper cut, it is not like breaking a bone, it is not like being thrown over the handle bars of your bike, it is not like getting hit, it is not like stubbing your it is not a physical pain at all most of the time.

It is like a paralyzing type of pain. It is like being stuck in a moment of time and watching your life fall apart before your eyes yet you can't do anything about it. It is like   everything around you slaps you in the face and tells you he is really gone, and you won't see       him again until you are in heaven with him.

Is this what God wants? For me to forget him all together? Does God want me to pretend that he did not impact my life for the good? Does God expect me to see only good from this? What is it that God expects of me? I guess I am not so sure anymore...I know He expects us to give up everything for Him, which means I need to surrender everything in my life to Him. Have I really surrendered my heart over to Him? I have surrendered all my hurt over to Him?

He will use this hurt, the pain, the sleepless nights, the stress, the paperwork, the lack of support from certain people, the support from others, the tightness of money, all the time I have now & the tears to change me to become more like HIM every day.

That is all He really wants in the end...all of us to become more and more like Him in every way we can while we are here on this earth. He uses everything in our lives to change us to become more like Him...I just have to choose to allow Him to do what He wants with me. I have to empty myself of me in order for Him to fill me with Himself. If you have a glass that is full of orange juice you can't fill it up with grape have to empty it first. I have to pour out myself as an offering to Him in order to be filled with His Spirit. This is a daily be filled with what the Lord has for me that day or to hang onto my own plans and agendas. Sometimes this is an easy choice for me...then other days this is very hard for me to do. Lord, help me to choose you every me to pour out myself in order to make room for your Spirit and what it is that you have for me that very day.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


The other day I organized all the mounds of paperwork I have into manila folders then tonight I organized the folders into a hanging folder file. Then I went onto organized all of my scraps of paper for making cards/scrapbooking into files of their own. This might sound a lot like going in circles on the hamster wheel again and again however...

it was just a tiny bit of order in my world of chaos!!

Now I can find any one of the millions of pieces of paper I am buried under in a very short amount of time in compared to before the organization. Until now when I would call someone regarding anything...a retirement account, a credit card company, medical billing, our car lender or the bank (this is not inclusive by any means) I would have to sort through a mound of papers that would completely overwhelm me! Now that I don't have to sort through an entire lifetime worth of paperwork in order to make one phone call...maybe it won't feel SO bad when they refuse to talk to me.

Now that my craft area is somewhat organized maybe I will make more was so incredibly hard to make the first card after the last one I made to go in the casket with Jimmy. then once I started to make some here and there I would just leave the scraps of paper all around, I have no idea why in the world I would do this since I normally am a very organized person. Could it be depression? Could it be avoidance? Could it be lack of caring? I am sure it could be all of these or one...take your pick. There are times when it is all and then there are times when it is just one. Maybe I am starting to accept this as my life and my cross to bear, maybe I am learning to be content no matter what, maybe God is comforting me in a way I have never felt before. No matter which one of these or all of these that it is I am glad that it is starting to happen.

You see organization is the one thing in my life I feel like I can somewhat control, and those of you that know me well know that I like to be in control. I have to learn that my life is not mine to control...and never really has been. We like to control the things we can just to make it feel like we have control, in reality God has control of it all in the first place. I can imagine Him looking down at me and shaking His head thinking when will she learn? I know He knows this answer and that He is far more patient than me (very thankful that He is)...if this whole world was up to me I would have given up a long time ago. I am thankful that I am not the one in charge...because I would not have my 2nd, 3rd, 101st chance that the Lord gives me! I do believe that God does want order in our lives and this is one way for me to have that right now. Thank You LORD for your order, your control, your concern for my life!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

My life on a hamster wheel!!

All the things you need to deal with after a loved one dies....

some call it a process

some call it difficult

some call it something that is needed to be done

some call it hard

I call it...dreaded, being on a hamster wheel, so far beyond a process that it should have its own name!!

Have a mentioned that I hate paperwork? I know it all has to be done...I just wish that at least one of the people would talk to me in this long line of people I have to talk to regarding all the crappy paperwork! I went to the bank today and tried to get medallion signatures on two sets of paper (did you know that such a signature existed because I didn't!!) well they could only put the medallion stamp on one of the sets of paper. Well the info they need to be able to do the medallion stamp on one of the sets was info that I could only get by sending all this paperwork in together...UGH!!! See what I mean about being on a hamster wheel...

Each set of paperwork, or phone call to a company or anything that needs to get done when someone dies is like getting onto a new hamster wheel each time. When you are done with one wheel it is onto the next wheel to keep going in circles over and over and over again. I can't even explain the exhaustion from all this pointless running in circles. I am really starting to feel like this is all pointless.

I can't even pay off our car since my name is not on the account...really you won't even take my money to pay the car off? I mean come would think that you could get them to talk to you if you say you are going to pay off the debt. NO you can't if your name is not on the account then forget it!

I mean the way they treat you...with disrespect, attitudes and just plain being one should have to be treated this way especially not a widow. I mean come on...I lose my husband and you want to talk to me with an attitude? Well let me tell you I am the queen of attitude and they have not even began to see it at this point!! I am so sick of dealing with the rude people...the attitudes...the disrespect!!

I can understand why people do not want to deal with all of this after someone dies! I now understand why years  go by and these things are not done!!