Getting Healthy

I have decided that I need to get healthy, not only to lose weight but also to become healthy in general.  Due to the fact that I had to deal with many medical issues with Jimmy I feel that this is the best way to honor him.  Do I need to lose weight yes, but I also need to make better choices regarding food to make sure that I will be healthy for the future. I remember telling Jimmy that he needed to care for himself in order for us to be together longer...and I wish that we would have had many more years together but that is not what happened. But I can make sure that I stay healthy in his honor! I will try to tell you all how I am doing weekly through the blog. I want to ask all of you to help keep me accountable if I don't report back because that probably means that I am slacking.

So week one started on Tuesday, March 27th.

First week I did a walking work out that involves all parts of the body not just walking.

6 miles (Tue - Fri)

Food--

There was only one day of bad choices =D (I think that I need to let myself "cheat" so to speak sometimes or I will just stop all together)

My motto is everything in moderation...exercise, food & spending time with others...all while putting God first. Please pray that I keep this up because I have tried this more than once and failed each time.  

Looking forward to a vacation...

After alot of thinking, praying and consideration I have decided to go on a week long vacation for the one year anniversary of Jimmy's departure to Heaven. I went to AAA to see what I could find that was on a beach, few people and all inclusive...well I found it!!! I will be going to the Dominican Republic, Punta Cana for an entire week...Praise God I found such a great place. They only have a total of 51 guest rooms and a private beach so I might actually get to sit on the beach with very few people...that is exactly what I was looking for!

http://www.zoetryresorts.com/agua/

See the one chair all by itself...that is where I plan to sit all day long ;)

I get to eat in one of 3 restaurants...this is one of them.

The swimming pool

I am so blessed to be able to go on this trip...Praise God for his never ending love and blessings. 

8 Months down and a lifetime to go...

 

To be honest I can't even believe it has been 8 months. I guess it is getting easier for me to get through each day, but there are days when I can remember just how happy we were and it starts a meltdown. He was the best husband in the world...and now even 8 months later, I would marry him all over again if I knew this would be the outcome. Through his love, encouragement, patience, easy going spirit, fun loving nature & leadership he helped to make me who I am today.

I am so thankful that I was able to know my wonderful husband for the 3 1/2 years that I did, he made me a better me! I am starting to be able to remember him and it not cause me so much pain. Now instead of feeling like someone stabbed me in the heart when I remember it just feels like someone punched me in the gut...I know this might sound harsh to some of you but that is the truth. The other day I was going through some things in my guest room and found the cards that Jimmy had given to me, there was some joy in remember who my husband was but also a lot of pain in the reality that he is not ever coming back.

I miss him every single day, I am not really sure if/when that will change. Our lives were so intertwined that I can't go a day without missing him. At least there are days when I can think about him and smile instead of cry or get angry. Thank God I am not so angry anymore...I am waiting for it to come back and bite me again though. I know that I will NOT work through the stages of grief in a pretty step by step package...it will come and go, the stages will come and go until one day I look back and think wow it has been a month since I cried.

I still want my husband back, I still feel married, I still love him very much...I am just starting to wrap my brain around the fact that he will never be back here again, that I am not married, and that he will still love me no matter where he is. Oh to hear one more time "you are the best wife in the world" or "I love you"...or to be held by him one more time...or to wake up and see all the dished put away...oh to have my spell checker back...oh to have my life back.

Lord help me to make it through each day by your grace, help me to become more like you through this grief process, help me to see the next step you have for me, please heal this broken heart, give me the strength to get through each day as I trust in you.

Forgetting...

I was trying to put the second bedroom back together after painting I came across the cards that Jimmy had given to me in the 3 1/2 years he knew me. I knew that I had them but had not really taken the time to find them because I did not think that I could deal with reading them yet. So when I found them as I was organizing I am not really sure why I took the time to read them but I did nonetheless. As I read them I cried more than I have in at least 2 weeks.

I got to the point that I just could not stop the tears. As I read these cards I was reminded of just how loving and caring my husband was. He was such an amazing person, he never ever focused on a person's faults and that is a quality that most people do not have. It was very hard to read these cards but I am glad that I did just to be able to almost hear him saying these words to me was good.

As I talked to someone about the whole thing I realized that what made this so very hard is the fact that I am starting to forget little things about Jimmy. He told me each and every day that I am the best wife in the world (sometimes he would say universe) and as much as I would love to hear that again I know I never will from Jimmy. The problem is I am forgetting just how loving he was, and how sweet he was to me...these are things I thought I would never forget. However it has started to be in the back of my mind.

I think that reading those cards was easier than the realization that I am starting to forget him. I know that this is something that will happen that it is "normal" but I don't want it to happen. I am starting to realize that I am redefining my new "normal" and that hurts me just as much as reading the cards and being reminded of how wonderful he was. I really don't want a new "normal" I want my old normal back! I want to have Jimmy come home to me each day after work, to spend each Saturday with me, to be silly with me until I ask him to stop...the list goes on.

How do you redefine your "normal" without your best friend, the one you spend every day with? It is so hard to make the new "normal" but it is also very hard to forget your loved one. I know that I will never fully forget him and that I don't have to forget him ever but it is part of the process of being the one that is left behind...you forget certain things, and it is very difficult.

Oh how I wish I could hear his voice again, how I wish he would walk through the front door again, how I wish he would hold me again...it is so hard to forget all of this.

Lord, I ask that you give me the grace to walk though this, the patience to deal with myself as I go through the stages of grief, the desire to grow in your Word and the desires of your heart for me. Lord, help me to seek you in all that I do. Help me to see others in the way that you see them.

March is here!!!

I came to a realization yesterday...February is OVER!!! Praise God that I lived through the hardest month of grief so far!! It is a relief for March to come this year. February was a very emotionally draining month for me, I am looking forward to this month not being as emotionally draining. On Saturday a friend came over and helped me paint the two bedrooms in my house...Thank God for friends!! Both of the bedrooms look so much different and I love them both now. They are rearranged and have new bedding...I will post pictures as soon as I get everything back into place :)  

Please keep praying that the LORD continue to give me His peace through this awful time of grief for me. Also that He would put the desires into my heart that He has for me and that I would follow His will through those desires. I want to thank you all for your constant love, prayer & support I can't even begin to explain how much each one of you means to me. I know that there are days it is as if I am floating around on your prayers...thank you so much as they are very much needed!!

The Hurt and The Healer by MercyMe

Why?

The question that is never far away

The healing doesn't come from the explained

Jesus please don't let this go in vain

You're all I have

All that remains

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I've fallen into Your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe

Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do

Pain so deep that I can hardly move

Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You

Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am

What's left of me

Where glory meets my suffering

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I've fallen into your arms open wide

When the hurt and the healer collide

It's the moment when humanity

Is overcome by majesty

When grace is ushered in for good

And all the scars are understood

When mercy takes its rightful place

And all these questions fade away

When out of the weakness we must bow

And hear You say "It's over now"

I'm alive

Even though a part of me has died

You take my heart and breathe it back to life

I've fallen into your arms open wide

When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]

Jesus come and break my fear

Awake my heart and take my tears

Find Your glory even here

This is a new song by MercyMe you can hear it on their wesite I encourage you to go listen to it :) http://mercyme.org/#