Thursday, October 6, 2011

2 months down...a lifetime to go

    on Wednesday, September 14, 2011 at 11:24pm

So the 15th marks 2 months without my love, my
best friend, my partner in crime, my encourager, my defender, my leader, my
true north, my spell checker, my garbage taker outer, my paperwork dealer, my
checkbook manager, my business partner, my silly end to my day, my companion,
my other half. I never thought that
today would be harder than the day that I found out my husband would not take
another breath on Earth. The shock of it all has long since worn off, and I am
left with all the pain, the broken heart, the not wanting to get out of bed,
the anger, the endless paperwork, the nonstop crying, the longing to be with my
husband again, the anger, the bitterness, the lack of clarity of mind, the lack
of desire to do just about anything, the horror that is my life, the lack of a
future that I thought I had, did I mention the anger? I am angry that the future that Jimmy and I
thought we had is not gone, I am angry when I have to take out the garbage, I
am angry that people think I should just “move on”, I am angry that I am alone,
I am angry that I don’t feel God right now, I am angry that I can’t be where
Jimmy is, I am just plain angry at about anything that happens right now.

I want so much to get through this…I just wish it could go
quicker than one moment at a time. Today I was putting clothes away in my (that
is hard to even say since it was our) closet and I went to put something of
mine in the place where Jimmy’s clothes were, complete meltdown! Really all
women want is their husband’s space in the closet, we push their clothes over
and over until we have at least 75% of the closet. Well today I would have
given Jimmy 100% of the closet if he would just come back to me. Why is it that
I wanted more of the space until he was gone? I did appreciate my husband and
EVERYTHING he did for me so it is not that I just needed to understand how much
he did for me or how much I should appreciate him. To put my stuff where his
stuff “belongs” that was just too much for me to deal with. He should be here
and his clothes should have an owner still. I should be able to hug my husband
while wearing his favorite shirt not just hug the shirt!

In the past two months I have had to deal with the loss of
my husband, the loss of our dreams together, the loss of our family, the loss
of being us, the mounds and mounds of paperwork (really does there need to be
this much paperwork?), medical bills coming in, a new “normal”, getting onto a
plane without Jimmy, sleeping (or lack thereof) alone, picking out a tombstone,
visiting my husband at his grave for his birthday, a phone trial for
unemployment, going back to the same doctor for my own visit, doing everyday
stuff without Jimmy, living without my other half. I am not sure how I have come through all of
this without ending up in a mental institution…it is ONLY through the grace of
the LORD that I have made it through each and every moment. It is through HIS
strength and HIS alone that I can and will make it through all of this.

I feel so alone through all of this, people in my age group
are getting married, having kids, buying homes, fighting about who gets to pick
the movie this time. Me…my cross to bear is being a widow. How do I go on from
here? Is there anyone who can understand my loss? My pain? Is there anyone in
my age group that even understands being a widow? This is not “normal” for
someone my age. I don’t know how to relate to the people that are my age. I
have to grieve the loss of a future that would have looked a lot like theirs
and they get to have it. I know that God is right there with me and HE is
holding me through all of this…I just need to feel it in my heart.

I want to encourage any of you that read this to not take
anyone in your life for granted. They are a gift from God, they are precious
and should be treated as such. Do not waste even one minute on being angry at
another person, be quick to say you’re sorry and even quicker to forgive. Love
those in your life without conditions. Love the LORD more than anyone else
because HE is the one that will ALWAYS be there in your life no matter what.

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