Leap day...oh how I am glad you only come every 4 years!!

As I reflect on this day 4 years ago I am overwhelmed with feelings. I am sad without a doubt, as Jimmy and I met 4 years ago today. It is very hard to deal with the fact that he is not here to celebrate this day with me as we were trying to plan something special for this day. Yet today I feel a sense of with the plan that God has given to me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God had me meet Jimmy  in 2008 and marry him the following year. He brought so much joy to my life, so much laughter, so much encouragement and the list goes on.

He balanced me in so many ways some of which I didn't even know needed to be balanced. With Jimmy there were no misspelled words, the checkbook was always balanced, trips were planned very early, the clothes were always put away, there was less clutter in the house, the paperwork was always done...oh how I miss those things. He really was the best husband in the world for me, what a joy to be loved so completely by someone. He knew me better than anyone and completed me in so many ways.

Today I reflect on how much of a blessing he was to me. If God would have told me that Jimmy would be gone just two years and forty-five days after we became one I still would have married him. I have a peace about not having Jimmy here now. It does not take away the pain, it does not make me happy that he is gone, it does not change the fact that I am still grieving, it simply makes all of these things easier to go through. God does not promise to take away our pain or trial he simply promises that he will be right there with you and walk through it with you.

I am the type of person that has to have some sort of deadline in order for me to actually do something. I set a deadline for myself that today I would either change my relationship status on facebook or I would take my rings off. So to meet this deadline I took my rings off, I did not feel ready for my relationship status to change. As of now my rings have not been on for about nine hours and I have not had one panic attack, the world has not ended, I do not feel super stressed about not having them on either but my finger sure does feel naked. This does not change the fact that I still FEEL married, but it is one tiny step in moving to the next stage in my life.

Please keep praying for peace to come, for the depression to subside, for a desire in me to honor God through all that I do, for my fears to subside & for me to have hope for my future again. I want to thank each one of you that read this and pray for me and support me no matter what. I love you and am very thankful for each of you.

In sickness and in health

I have come to this realization over the past week, so many people in America really do not mean the vows that they say to their spouse. When I said my vows to Jimmy I meant every word of them. Our marriage was until death parted us, I would not have divorced him for any reason because that is what God asks of me.

This is what I said to Jimmy on our wedding day...

I, Lisa, Commit all that I am to you, Jimmy, to be one with you in marriage. By God’s spirit I promise to love you as Jesus loves His church; with all my heart, and to be true and faithful, patient, kind and unselfish.  I promise to stand beside you always, in times of joy and in times of sorrow. I also promise to follow you as you submit to Jesus Christ as the head of our lives: out of respect, love, honor, and trust.  I will serve you in sickness and in health by showing you respect and love in the ways you should be respected and need to be loved.  I dedicate our marriage, our family and our home to the lordship of Jesus Christ and promote your usefulness to God.  I pledge myself and all that I am to you in love.

I am glad that the pastor did not leave anything out...respect, love, honor, trust but most of all being unselfish. I told Jimmy on our wedding day that I would serve him in sickness and in health...those are very powerful words. These days you see spouses leave their so called loved one due to the fact that they have become sick...I ask is this love in the first place?  

At my work place there are men and women there that have gone through some sort of accident or health issues that has caused them to be labeled handicap or intellectually disabled. While I don't know all the numbers of those that were married and now are not it makes me sick that anyone would leave their so called loved one just because they are now sick. Do not get me wrong there are spouses that have stayed by their loved one's side and I commend them for that.

As I talked to someone about this my eyes filled up with tears as I said "I would give anything to have Jimmy back in that state". I do understand that this is a selfish statement but it is the truth. Due to the amount of time that Jimmy was without adequate oxygen if the doctors were able to bring him back it is more than likely that he would have been intellectually disabled. I would deal with that because I loved him with all that I am...unselfishly.

However, I know that Jimmy is far better off where he is. It is just very hard to be the one left behind to grieve the loss. I know that he is exploring everything that he can in Heaven, and listening to every word our LORD has to say. He is soaking it all in because that is who he is. Every time he hears something it is as if it is the first time because he wants to learn something new, that is who my husband is. I am thankful that he is in Heaven and not only do I get to see him again but I also know now that he is in 100% health and he is in the presence of Jesus...how amazing is that? So as much as I love him and would have served him in sickness I am glad that he is not sick anymore and that he can see our Savior face to face.

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

Blessed are you, as you weep on your knees with perfume and tears washing over My feet

Blessed are you, beggar, hopeless and blind calling for mercy when I’m passing by

Blessed are you, shaking your head at two tiny fish and some bread

Blessed are you as you tremble and wait for the first stone thrown at your sinful disgrace

Tell me your story, show me your wounds

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you

Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

Blessed are you, walking on waves to find yourself sinking when you look away

Blessed are you, leper, standing alone, the fear on their faces, is all that you’ve known

Blessed are you, lonely widow who gave your last shiny coin to Yahweh

Blessed are you with your silver and lies, kissing the One who’s saving your life

Tell me your story, show me your wounds

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you

Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

I see what I made in your mother's womb

I see the day I fell in love with you.

I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance

I see My Father's fingerprints

I see your story, I see My name

Written on every beautiful page

You see the struggle, you see the shame

I see the reason I came

I came for your story, I came for your wounds

To show you what Love sees when I see you

I had heard this song more than once on the album "music inspired by the Story" but there is a difference is hearing and really listening to the words. Jesus sees our lives from the moment we are conceived in our mother's womb all the way to the day we enter Heaven and leave this life. He uses each trial, struggle, joy, blessing in our lives to make us who we are. He does not always take the trial or pain away however He does use it to make us more like Him. He might take away a blessing or a joy and this does not mean that He is punishing us just that He needed to take it away in order for us to fully understand our need for Him and how much He loves us. The song says that Jesus came for my story and my wounds...He understands what I am going through and all the feelings and pain that go with it. He understands that I will be angry, that I will be depressed, that I will feel like my life can't go on, that I feel so very alone without Jimmy, that I don't feel like myself anymore...the list goes on and on. I am very thankful that the LORD understands my feelings and my anger. There are times that I think about what will be next...what will the LORD take away from me this time? Sometimes I forget that the blessings that I ever had were given to me from Him in the first place. He did fill my cup but He also let the cup spill. All I can do is let the LORD use this all for what HE wants to accomplish in my life. LORD thank you for showing me that you can and will use everything that happens to me to make me more like you.

7 Months down & a lifetime to go...

Today marks 7 months without the love of my life. Yesterday was the first Valentine's day without him also...as I started this month thinking about these two days being in the same week I was so overwhelmed I could not think straight. As I woke up yesterday I had a complete meltdown, then another meltdown on the way to work, yet another meltdown while I was at work, I left work an hour early because I could not pretend to be happy anymore this led me to my husband's grave. As I stood there my thought was...really what 32 year old "celebrates" valentine's day standing at a grave?

I went and bought the brightest flowers I could find at the store as I laid them next to his name on the tombstone something just clicked inside of me. I was standing over what remains of my husband on this earth...never thought that would give me so much comfort. So many times I have been told that Jimmy is in heaven or that I will see him again some would think that this would be of comfort for me however it just makes me even more angry.

You see this all implies that Jimmy IS alive just not with me here on earth. While I know this IS the TRUTH it is not what comforts me at this time. He is alive but he is not with me where I really want him to be. Yes this is my flesh talking I do know that...but I am human. What did comfort me yesterday was that the part of Jimmy that remains here on this earth is exactly not what  I want right now. This helps the longing to be in Heaven right now subside. Yesterday I was given a peace that only God can give. Even though it came in a way that most people would not expect. I thank the Lord for this comfort.

Today as I woke up I had this feeling that I really did not want to go to work today. I now know that this was just an attack of satan. I planned to go eat dinner at one of the homes at my work place. It had been scheduled since last week and when I woke up this morning I just feel overwhelmed by the fact that I "had" to go do this tonight. I just felt this need to back out. I am very thankful that I chose to go to work today. When one of the guys that I teach saw me he said (with a ton of excitement) "you are eating dinner at my house tonight." How can you not want to go when this is how you are greeted first thing in the morning?

While I was at their home I was shown every person's room, the chickens outside and the love of Christ. These men welcomed me with open arms, they did not care what I looked like, what kind of shoes I had on, if I had makeup on, if I said everything perfect and so on. They just loved me due to the fact that I wanted to spend time with them in their home. How sweet is the love of these wonderful men who showed me the love of Jesus through their actions. I am blessed to be working where I am, thank you LORD!!!  So while it was a hard day for me it was so good to see God's love for me through the wonderful men.

A typical trip to HEB for me...

As I walked into the grocery store today I was greeted with all the valentine's crap in the store. I have been avoiding the grocery store lately, a place I used to love to go to. I do not like going into the store and seeing all the mom's, seeing couples shopping together oh and shopping for just me...how I hate that. It is not fun to cook for just one person, and what do you cook? I mean why waste the time to cook a whole meal for just one person?

I don't even remember what I actually like to eat...I was so used to buying food based off of Jimmy's health issues that I no longer know what I want. It would also be nice if I actually had an appetite, but I don't.  There is only one time out of the month that I actually have an appetite but most of the time I just want junk food, that does not make for a good dinner. I have not been able to buy certain things in the store yet. I just ate a banana for the first time in 6 months in January. I used to buy bananas for Jimmy at least once a week, I have not even bought any since he went to Heaven. It just hurts to bad to have them in the house. I still can't even look at the rotisserie chicken at HEB, the lady behind me at HEB today had one and it made me sick to my stomach to smell it, then to see it just made it worse.  

After my grocery store outing I decided to go to Hobby Lobby (craft store for anyone who does not know). This was painful in many different ways for me. You see when I go into a store where there are likely to be couples or families I can somewhat prepare myself for the sting. Going into a craft store one would think that it would not be so painful. Oh man was I wrong. I used their restroom, where I had to pick the roll of toilet paper off the floor and use my own hand sanitizer do to the fact that there was no soap, as if this was not enough to turn the trip south. I went to the scrap book aisles and I just stared at everything as if I never even know what to do with any of it. It was as if I was looking at the entire store for the very first time. I don't know how to explain the pain that this brings to me.

I used to love going into Hobby Lobby, Jimmy would stay in the car if he came with me just so that I would not spend so much time inside because I would spend way too much money there. Don't get me wrong I would only buy something if it was on sale or clearance but it was still money that didn't need to be spent. He would always praise me for how much I saved though, I don't think he was capable of even one negative thought. Oh how I miss the words "I am so proud of you". Oh how I miss his sweet smile, his contagious laugh, the look in his eyes when I would tell him I was making chicken curry, the look in his eyes when I would be making dinner when he got home, his smell, his love of paperwork, his ability to spell, his love for me....as you can tell I could go on and on.

I feel as though not only did my husband leave to be with Jesus, but I lost myself as well. I can't even tell you the last time I picked up my camera...at this very moment I don't even know where it is. The last card I made was for inside of Jimmy's casket...can't seem to make any others since. I can't remember anything...I have actually almost signed using my maiden name in the last 6 1/2 months. As I walked through the grocery store then the craft store today...all I could think of is "I want my husband back". I miss him with everything that I am...oh for just one more day. What I wouldn't give for just one more day. My entire world has changed...I just want something...anything that feels normal to me again.

Purple Roses for my Birthday

As my birthday is just hours away I find myself feeling very anxious. I always loved my birthday and would start a count down on Dec 2 just to make sure that everyone remembered. Now I wish I could skip February 2nd all together. The closer it comes the more I want to run away and hide for the day...well the whole month. All the "firsts" of this year are going to be awful and I know it is something that I have to deal with...knowing that does not make it any easier though. I just want to have my husband back....or be in Heaven with him. I don't want to celebrate anything including my birthday.

For the past week my students have been reminding me of my birthday. They are all excited enough for me and them! So as I am at work I have to play the part of being excited with them...and while that seems like what is "normal" for me it also feels very foreign. I feel like I just want to stay in bed for the entire day and not see anyone tomorrow. However my reality is that I have to go to work...so I am going to try and make the best of it. I went to Sam's today and got cupcakes for everyone and while I was there I saw some beautiful purple roses (my fav) and I knew they were meant for me. Jimmy would come home with flowers a day or two before my birthday just to be able to surprise me. I feel like they were a gift from him because they were the only purple roses in the store.

Please keep praying that the Lord starts to heal my heart and for Him to give me a peace that surpasses all understanding...February is really going to be a very hard month for me. My birthday, Valentine's Day, the 15th & leap day (the day Jimmy and I met 4 years ago)...right now it seems there is no end in sight.