I can organize until everything has a place...there is just one problem. A huge piece of the puzzle is missing and will never be back. It hurts to have Jimmy's belongings around...however when I think about the fact that I should get rid of them it takes my breath away (not in a good way). As I cleaned out/ reorganized my closet today I felt a little silly that I still have our old phone because it has the message on it that Jimmy left on the answering machine. I went out and bought a new phone just so that I would have his voice on the old answering machine. Have I listened to it since he died...no. But I have it for when I do want to listen to it. But I do feel a little silly hanging onto something that isn't really needed.
His clothes are not in our/my closet anymore but they are in the guest room closet. When I walk into that closet it smells like Jimmy and it brings back so many memories of him. The smell of him overwhelms me sometimes...my emotions just take over and I cannot stop them even if I try. Today I walked into the bathroom and the smell of his cologne was lingering in there, I still don't understand that. His cologne has not been sprayed in there for 4 months how did it smell like it today? The drawers that he used in the bathroom still smell like it but they have not been opened for a week...why the smell today? Sometimes I kinda feel like I am crazy...like I am imagining things. Sometimes I feel like I can almost hear him say "take it to the Lord in prayer" then I realize it is in my head. Can you really lose your sanity due to grief? I am starting to feel like it.
As I was cleaning I found the undershirt in the plastic bag from the hospital...it is the one that Jimmy wore to the hospital. Why in the world do I still have that? Why is it in my closet? I don't want to let go of his memory but some things do need to be let go of...this plastic bag and shirt are one of those things for sure. They just bring back to mind everything that happened that day at the hospital as if it were yesterday. As black Friday comes up now I know that that day at the hospital was the blackest Friday I will ever experience in my life!
You know when I think about that experience it is just so weird to me. In this time of my life I expected to someday go into the hospital as a family of 2 and then come out a family of 3 a few days later...I never expected to go into the hospital a family of 2 and come out alone, forever alone. How is this even possible? How does something like this happen at my age? No last "I love you". Never again to have his arms around me as we go to sleep. Never again to even have that dream of coming out of the hospital as a family of 3. Who at 31 has to go and pick up their spouse's belongings from their desk at work? Please tell me if there is anyone out there? I wish someone could understand how hard this really is.
One second he was here....then the next second he was not. God literally just picked him up and carried him off to heaven as I sat in the OR waiting room. Please tell me how I am supposed to not lose my mind? I thought that God had given me all of my dreams through this marriage to such an amazing man...but God took them away in the blink of an eye. And I am called to trust even though HE took Jimmy away...even though my dreams are broken...even though some people no longer talk to me now that Jimmy is gone...even though my other half is gone...even though I feel like I am losing my mind...even though I have no family here....even though I feel alone, so completely alone now...even though I hurt so bad I can't breathe sometimes...
Sometimes I feel like it is too much for one person to bear...and it IS!!! Without Jesus I would be a puddle of emotions on the floor of the hospital STILL. I just wish that I could see and understand what my new "normal" is now.
Please Lord help me to see the next step you have for me in life...I am so lost right now. I feel like the road I was on broke out from under my feet and as I look down I see I was on a bridge and now there is only water below me and crumbling road under my feet...and no escape route planned. I can't stand anymore...the road feels like it is going to give way and I am going to fall into the water below. Lord help me to see the Rock ahead of me...Jesus.