I tried to sleep but it is useless...
sometimes I am terrified that I will forget him.
Sometimes this feeling overwhelms me so much that I can't even take a breath. I am starting to forget things...like how it felt when he held me before we went to sleep...like what it sounded like to hear him say "I love you"...feeling the warmth of his arms around me while I cooked or washed dishes...the exact sound of his laugh. It hurts so bad that I can't fully remember the sound of his laugh...it was so great and he laughed so much. Oh how I long to hear his car pull up and the door shut at about 5pm...he would be greeted by Max who was waiting for his "daddy" to come in the door...I want to burn these moments into my memory.
I feel like I am losing him all over again, and it breaks my heart all over again. I want to hear his laugh again....everyday. I want to hear him tell me "I love you" again...I want to feel his arms around me again. I would stay in his arms forever if I could. I am in so much pain...and I wish I could explain this kind of pain, it is not like when you get a paper cut, it is not like breaking a bone, it is not like being thrown over the handle bars of your bike, it is not like getting hit, it is not like stubbing your toe...no it is not a physical pain at all most of the time.
It is like a paralyzing type of pain. It is like being stuck in a moment of time and watching your life fall apart before your eyes yet you can't do anything about it. It is like everything around you slaps you in the face and tells you he is really gone, and you won't see him again until you are in heaven with him.
Is this what God wants? For me to forget him all together? Does God want me to pretend that he did not impact my life for the good? Does God expect me to see only good from this? What is it that God expects of me? I guess I am not so sure anymore...I know He expects us to give up everything for Him, which means I need to surrender everything in my life to Him. Have I really surrendered my heart over to Him? I have surrendered all my hurt over to Him?
He will use this hurt, the pain, the sleepless nights, the stress, the paperwork, the lack of support from certain people, the support from others, the tightness of money, all the time I have now & the tears to change me to become more like HIM every day.
That is all He really wants in the end...all of us to become more and more like Him in every way we can while we are here on this earth. He uses everything in our lives to change us to become more like Him...I just have to choose to allow Him to do what He wants with me. I have to empty myself of me in order for Him to fill me with Himself. If you have a glass that is full of orange juice you can't fill it up with grape juice...you have to empty it first. I have to pour out myself as an offering to Him in order to be filled with His Spirit. This is a daily choice...to be filled with what the Lord has for me that day or to hang onto my own plans and agendas. Sometimes this is an easy choice for me...then other days this is very hard for me to do. Lord, help me to choose you every day...help me to pour out myself in order to make room for your Spirit and what it is that you have for me that very day.