What a sad & emotional day...

Today my wonderful husband would have turned 35, I am sure this number does not mean anything in Heaven. To me this means that there is one more birthday without him, a day to celebrate the life he so fully lived here, a day where tears flow freely, a day where the cycle of grief overwhelms me again & a day that I am grateful to "check" off the calendar. It is very hard to remember him now, hard to remember the "little" things he did to make me love him, the wonderful smile he had, the way he would love to annoy me (I am thankful that he did annoy me because that was a way for him to show his love), the toothbrush left on the counter with the toothpaste to match in the sink, the way he loved our "son" I mean cat ;)....there is so much I am forgetting!!

There are times when I see other people's pictures and it makes me sick to my stomach. What comes to my mind is..."why does this person get to have their husband and their kid(s)?" "why do I not get the 'dream'?" "why not me Lord?" I have gotten to the point that I don't even look at most people's pictures on facebook anymore due to the fact that it starts a whole emotional rollercoaster for me. It seems so unfair that they get to have what I always wanted and I am "stuck" with being a widow...for real WHY Lord? I know it isn't for me to question...but I do!

It is so hard to go through a day like today and not question what is going on in my life. How can such an amazing man of God be taken away so suddenly like that? Why not a husband who beat his wife? Why not a man who did drugs? Why not a man who was drinking while driving? Why not anyone else other than MY husband? This questioning gets me nowhere though. It just leads me down a road that is a dead end. Because I am not meant to know the answer to any of my questions at least for the time being if not until I am in Heaven with the Lord and Jimmy.

I am learning that I need to be content right where I am even though it is not  the path I would have chosen for my life. God is still good, He is still with me no matter if I think about turning my back on him or not, the Lord loves me no matter what, He loves me more than anyone (including Jimmy) ever could! However it is still a conscious choice to turn to Him, love Him, follow Him & trust Him every day!! We all have this choice, there are times that we chose to go our own way instead though. I have found that His yoke really is easy and His burden is light. All we have to do is choose to follow Him and trust Him not ourselves!   

13 Months Down & A Lifetime to go...

Every other month as the 15th was approaching I would become more depressed and anxious. This month I was not nearly as depressed or anxious. So I thought that today would not be that bad however it was a very stressful day. On the bright side today was not all about me thinking about not having Jimmy with me.

I am thankful that my mind was not focused on what I have lost that is a huge blessing!!  I do miss Jimmy very much but I find myself not really focusing on that as much anymore. I am happy that Jimmy is in a better place, that he has no pain, that he can eat whatever he wants, he can sing at the top of his lungs...and so on. He is so happy that I can't even imagine how happy he is.

I have learned so much about myself in the past 13 months. I am much stronger than I thought I was but only through the strength of Christ! I am the type of person that likes things to be easy, normally when things are not easy I run the other way. I don't like to not be in control, it causes a lot of anxiety for me when I don't know what comes next. It is hard for me to trust anything without knowing the plan and also accepting the plan.

{ Things I need to work on }

Trust -- on God and authority

Staying when things are not as I planned

Letting go of my plan

Leaning on God for my strength

{ Please join me in praying for God to help me in all of these areas. }

3 Years of Marriage

Since I am not legally married anymore I guess that today isn't really my wedding anniversary, however my heart is still married.

{The heart is a funny thing...it does not pay attention to the law.}

How can it be that I am not really married but my heart is still married? Will my heart always be married? Will I ever be able to let go of the past in order to move on with the future? I am sure that one day I will be able to move onto the future and not focus on the past, I just pray that it happens soon.

Today I am going out to lunch with a friend, then to the grave and then back home to watch our wedding video. I feel that watching the video will help me to remember my wonderful husband but also to put our marriage into the past for me. This might sound harsh to some of you, but the reality is that he is no longer my husband. I will see him again but even in Heaven he will not be my husband, Jesus will take that role in my life once I am in Heaven not Jimmy.

Our First Anniversary 

I want to take the time to celebrate the wonderful husband that Jimmy was. He loved me without conditions...no matter what he loved me. I once told him that every time we hung up the phone I wanted to say "I love you"  because it could be the last time we hear it from the other one as you never know when the Lord will call you home. As Jimmy was being wheeled to the OR the day he was called home his last words were "I love you."  I believe that he knew it would be the last time I heard it and made sure that it was the last thing that he said to me.

He was so caring and a great protector. He always cared more about my feelings than he did his own. He would ask me if I felt loved all the time as he knew that when I felt loved that in turn I knew that he was taking care of me. I had to go to the dentist yesterday and get a tooth pulled and I realized this morning that Jimmy would have stayed home today with me not just because it is our anniversary but also because he would want to take care of me in my time of need. Every time I had a migraine he would make me go to bed and then he would get me everything that I needed. He would not let me get up for anything other than to use the restroom. He was so amazing.

He was a hero in my eyes! He would have done anything and everything that I needed and most of what I wanted also ;) He went to work every day no matter how much pain he was in. Even though he dealt with pain on a daily basis due to crohn's disease, he always had a smile on his face. Even when he was in the hospital with huge amounts of pain he would always say..."but God is good!!" How amazing that he could see the greatness of God no matter what. He was my hero for sure.

Jimmy made me a better me! He helped me to let go of fears, to let go of qualities that are not of God, to see people how the Lord sees them, to love without conditions, to love God more than any human being (still learning this one)...the list goes on. He only wanted the best for me and did not settle for good but made sure that I strived for great. He truly brought out the best in me and I am so thankful for him and for the fact that he helped me to become a better person.

My Best Friend

Thank you Lord for the 2 years of marriage to such an amazing man, thank you for the 3 1/2 years that I had with him, thank you for allowing me the privilege to have such an amazing hero in my life and for giving him to me to care for and to have as a best friend!! God you are so amazing!!

Our Second Anniversary

 

Ten Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

Psalm 23:3

He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

As I listened to my iPod on the way home last night I heard the song"When God Made You" which is the song that Jimmy and I danced to at our wedding. I was flooded with memories of our wedding and that dance. I can remember the way that he looked at me as I walked down the aisle to him, I can remember the smile on his face as we danced, I can remember the look in his eyes as we talked for the first time that day...the list goes on. If I had heard that song a month ago and all of these memories flashed before me I would have had a complete meltdown.

When I heard it yesterday I was filled with love and joy. I had been told that one day I would be able to remember Jimmy without all the pain of that dreadful day at the hospital. It looks like that is starting to happen. As I remembered our wedding day I was filled with the joy that I felt on that day, of course it is a bit different now that Jimmy is not physically here with me. However his love is and always will be in my heart. Due to this love I am able to feel the joy that I felt on that very day.

I am amazed and overwhelmed at how the Lord restores my heart and soul. I never thought that I would be able to think about Jimmy or our life together without feeling very deep pain...but here I am feeling the love and joy that I felt on our wedding day what a huge blessing. And to think it only took ten months! I thought that the pain would be my life forevermore, however God knows what is best for me and He chose to start to heal my heart. He is such an amazing God!!

Today as I remember my wonderful husband I am filled with joy, love, admiration and also with some hurt & pain. I am so thankful that I am able to draw close to God and that He will just open up His arms and let me rest in Him. What a great God we serve!!!

I do understand that I will still have meltdowns from time to time, all the pain is not gone, that my heart is not fully healed yet, that I will have times where I don't feel the love and joy however I know that this is getting to be less and less. I am so thankful to God for His healing, for His mighty love for me, for His understanding, for never leaving me or forsaking me!! I was so angry that He took Jimmy yet He loves me no matter what!

Please keep praying for Him to heal my heart, for Him to draw me closer to Himself, for me to rely on Him and not my feelings, for me to be healthy and for a desire to be healthy & for Him to guard my heart. I know He is hearing your prayers and I thank each and every one of you that have been and are praying for me. Each one of you holds a special place in my heart!

Longings on Mother's Day

I had no idea that Mother's Day would hit me so hard this year. I guess this comes from the grief of the loss of our future. Jimmy and I were planning on having children but we were having problems in that area of our life. I believe that God gave us both a desire in our hearts to adopt even before marriage because He knew what we both would deal with in our married life.

It has been my hearts to desire to be a mother for as long as I can remember, I am now seeking for the Lord to give me the desires HE has for me only. If He wants me to be a mother then He will make that happen, I just need to step back and let HIM do that. I guess what scares me is that being a mom just might not be what He wants for me.

How can this desire that I have had since childhood not be what the future holds for me? Why did I ever have that desire in the first place? Did I put that in my heart due to media and what others showed me was "right" for a little girl? Did I long to be a mother just in order to be loved unconditionally and to love unconditionally? These are questions that I need to seek the Lord about and ask for His wisdom because I know I can't trust my own feelings and heart right now. Please join me in prayer as I seek what the Lord has for me in this area of my life.

Waves of Grief

Now that I am almost ten months past Jimmy's exit to Heaven I am seeing how grief is like the waves of the ocean.

Have you been in the ocean when the water is really rough and there are a lot of waves? As the wave hits you, you are taken under and you can either struggle against the wave or you can let it take you out knowing that it will let you up again at some point. When you get hit by one sometimes you are able to stand up before the next one hits you but then other times you are not even able to stand before the next one hits you. In the beginning of the grief process the waves of grief come at you hard knocking you down just as hard. There are times when you don't have even one second to "pull yourself together" before the next wave hits even harder. Then there are times when you have a few hours or even days before the next hard wave hits. As each waves hits you it takes you under as if trying to keep you down. You start to believe that this will be your reality for the rest of your life, the life being taken out of you by each wave.

As time goes on the waves of grief seem to be more like water that could be called moderate when the waves come but not as hard or as often. You will be taken down by the waves however they will not keep you down for near as long and they will not be quite so frightening. Since they are not coming as often you have time to stand up in between the waves. The grief comes over you at times that sometimes you expect and others you don't expect. During this time it comes over you on days that were special to you and your loved one like anniversaries, holidays and so on. Then there are times when it comes at very unexpected times such as when you remember a great memory with them, or you smell their "smell" unexpectedly. At least now you have time to catch your breath before the next waves takes you under.

As you come to a point where you are even further away from the day you lost your loved one the waves of grief seem to get even further apart and much less strong. You always have time to pull yourself together and catch your breath in between the waves. Most of the time the waves hit at times when you don't expect them and you are taken by surprise but at this point you know it will not last forever as you felt in the past. You seem to have more good days than bad ones, and even start to think that maybe just maybe your life will be good again. But as the waves of the ocean are always coming you know that your grief has not come to an end, you are just learning to cope with it in a much better way.

There will come a day when you look back and think wow I have not been taken down by a wave in a long time. (I personally am not at this stage yet however I know it will come one day) The waves no longer knock you down each time they come and they come less and less. At times you can even stand while the waves comes upon you which makes catching your breath that much easier. You have far more good days than bad and start to live out the life in which God created you for, the life that you thought would never be good again. At this point you might only cry once a year when the anniversary of your loved ones departure from this earth comes around again.

You see the waves of the ocean are a great analogy for the grief process, they never stop and God is in full control of the waves. Even though grief gets easier it will never go away fully. You will always love the person you lost and there will always be a place in your heart for that person therefore the grief will not go away it will just get less and less as the waves in the ocean clam when God clams them. Time does not heal your wounds, time just makes it easier to not think about that awful day ever time you close your eyes. Nothing here on earth will every heal any of your wounds, it is ONLY God who can and will heal your wounds if you let Him. God will pick up the pieces of your heart and put them back together in His time, but He will never force that healing onto anyone. You have to be a willing participate in this healing. God is right there holding out His hand asking you to reach out to Him and let Him be in control of your life. He wants to hold you through this awful pain but you have to seek Him.

So the choice is...stay in your pain, turn to a person here on earth that will one day leave you also, turn to chemicals to help you cope with the pain...turn away from God. OR turn to God and let Him, the healer of all healers, put your heart back together. Will there still be scars on your heart from where it was put back together...yes. But those scars will give you the unique ability to help others through the pain when their heart is broken also. How beautiful is that!!

Prayers are needed now please

I started antibiotics a week ago and still am not feeling much better at all. I have been in contact with the doctor today and she called in another antibiotic, thank God! In the last 3 1/2 years I have been through a lot of stressors as I look back I am overwhelmed what the Lord has brought me through in this time. Planning a wedding, graduating college, getting married, moving halfway across the country, dealing with everyday normal marriage issues plus some that are not so normal, dealing with becoming part of another person's family, dealing with Jimmy's health concerns and him being diagnosed with diabetes & crohn's disease, finding a new church, cars breaking down, 3 new jobs for me one of which included dealing with abused children and going to court for them all the time, moving to a new place once in Texas, Jimmy's death (and all the struggles that have come with being a widow) & again finding a new church.

WOW!!!!

In the last 2 months I have made the choice to get healthy on all levels...physical, emotional & spiritual. I feel that this is the best way to honor God and also to honor my husband. Today I decided to start taking multi vitamins again and extra vitamin C I am praying that I keep it up daily as it is hard for me to remember sometimes.   I am starting to feel that this sickness is an attack of statan as he would not want me to honor God in anyway. Please pray that I stay steadfast to the Lord and that He would heal this sickness. Pray against statan's plan to make me turn away from the Lord. I want to feel better to be able exercise and also to go to work.

Thank you all for your prayers and support it is so much needed!

Moving on...one step at a time

As I watched Grey's Anatomy from this week it was an entire episode about letting go and moving on. I think in a sense I have been "stuck" in my grief. I just want to feel bad, I want everyone to feel bad with me, I don't want to let him go. I have felt like moving on is a way of dishonoring him. This view is starting to change though. I know that nothing will ever take away the relationship or the love that Jimmy and I shared. I am realizing that not only will that never be able to be taken away from me but also that it was a huge gift from God! Jimmy loved me in such a way that most women never see in their life. I am so blessed to have been able to have such an amazing husband and also such an amazing love.

I feel that the Lord is showing me ways in which I can move and a little at a time. As I cleaned the bathroom this weekend I realized that I had not really moved any of my "things" to Jimmy's side of the sink. I had already taken Jimmy's "things" off of the counter but I had left it left with only the things such as tissues and paper towels that we both used. So as I cleaned the counter off I made sure to move my "things" to both sides. It was very strange to dry my hair on "his" side of the sink. It is even weird to put anything on that side of the sink. But I did it and my life in not over, I didn't even cry (that was a huge surprise) HE gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding.

I went to use the grill this weekend also and was not able to use it. I opened it up and cleaned out the old ashes and noticed a hole in the bottom of the grill and I thought to myself "I need to get a new grill this year." Then once I started to put the charcoal into the grill the bottom fell out. This was the grill that Jimmy and I got before we got married in which he made many, many fires in. He loved to start the fire and he even tried to cook on the grill. Oh how he loved the food that we cooked on the grill. Now I will need to start a new season with a new grill.

My phone was acting up, it would drop calls all the time, the battery would not really keep a charge and it was time to upgrade anyway. So I went to the mall into the apple store to see what iPhone I could get at a discounted price. So I broke down and get the iPhone...I even got the newest one because I can speak to it and it will write my text message, my email and so on. This also made me cancel the home phone since I had to add the data plan to the cell phone. I can just see Jimmy now shaking his head at me, when we talked about him getting an iPhone it just did not work financially. The hard part is that I had to give up the last texts that Jimmy sent to me in the old phone :( But as I use the new phone everything is ok. I have not even cried about it yet. Thank the Lord that HE gave me the peace while using the new phone.

In all this has been a very productive weekend, not only going to the eye doctor and the primary care doctor but also making huge steps in moving on. I am so thankful to the Lord for helping me to see all of this in a different light. Instead of seeing this as something awful that I will never get past HE is giving me a perspective of seeing my marriage as a precious gift HE gave me for 2 years & 45 days. There is a reason that God took Jimmy from this earth, even if I can't see or understand that reason I am resting in the fact that He is God and I am NOT! He is in control and I am not and never will be. This life is HIS and I want to serve Him in every way that I can. If I had to go through this pain in order to fulfill His purpose in my life then so be it. Does it make the pain go away for good...no! Will there be times when the grief overwhelms me again...yes! But I know that He is God and I am not...He will work all of this together for my good NO MATTER WHAT! He is changing me in so many ways that would not have been possible if I had not gone through this pain and for that I am very thankful.  

9 Months down and a lifetime to go...

       WOW...I can't believe it has been 9 months! I know that to most this seems like a long time. I understand that mostly everyone else is over grieving for my wonderful husband. I know that there are people out there that "know" that I am done grieving. Well I promise you I am NOT done grieving, I am not sure I ever will be fully over this. There are certain things that I will "get over" then there are other things that will never be the same.

       As for the things that I will someday "get over" that has started to happen. It is becoming easier to go to bed without him beside me, I have started to cry less often, I have started to be able to pack up his belongings, I have been able to paint the bedrooms, I have been able to change some things on what was our bedroom & I have been able to think about memories and not just cry due to sadness and anger. The last thing that I stated is the biggest accomplishment I think. In the past 9 months I could not even think about memories of Jimmy without having a complete breakdown.

       In the past month I have been able to think of some memories that are so precious now. Thank you Lord for healing me enough to think about him without having a breakdown. There was a day that Jimmy and I went to the grocery store for ice cream and of course I wanted to use a coupon so we were looking at only the ones that I had a coupon for. Jimmy picked up a box of ice cream bars and said look we have to get this one...it has $12 worth of coupons inside the box. I was so touched by the fact that he was so excited about coupons, almost as much as me. I thought about this today and it made me smile instead of cry. It warms my heart to be able to remember him and even talk about him without crying.

       As for the things that I might never get over, that is something that I am just going to have to deal with. I will always miss my husband, there will always be a place in my heart for him, I will never forget his love for me, there will always be some amount of pain at the fact that we did not get to have our future together. As much as I am happy for the little things that a becoming easier it is hard to go on without him.

       I am so thankful that I can now remember him without a total meltdown, Praise God! Lord, you are starting to heal my heart. You are amazing God!

Reflecting on the last year

As I reflect on how my life was a year ago and I am so overwhelmed. How can someone's life change so much in one year! How can you go from being happy, healthy, part of a great church, married, in love, hopeful of a future, being a stay at home wife...to the next year all of that is just gone? How does that even happen? How is it that God sees fit to wipe all of that out of a person's life?

There are times that I feel like he gives just so he can take away...before any of you try to give me Scripture that says otherwise just try to put yourself in my shoes. Jimmy was diagnosed with Crohn's disease in Feb, the same day they cut my hours really bad at work. My job was taken away pretty much in February...yes this made it possible for me to stay at home more and I was very thankful for that as well, especially in hind sight. Then Jimmy and I started a photography business, in which Jimmy was the brains of and now is no longer going to be in existence. My husband was taken in July, his family to follow, and my church family to follow that. Yes in this time the LORD did give me a new job to support myself and to help me heal, friends that have been there through thick and thin...but I feel like way more has been taken at this point.

It is hard to look back on the past year and not be upset. I know that my status here on Earth is not dependant on my marital status, my career or the family that I am a part of. I know that no matter what is taken away from me here on Earth my status in Heaven does not change. I am the daughter of the King of Kings no matter if I am a wife, mother, sister or business woman. Sometimes it is hard to remember that I am HIS no matter what is lost here in this world. I need all of you in my life to help me get through this huge trial in my life. I want to thank each of you for your prayers, love and support. I am blessed to have each of you in my life.

8 Months down and a lifetime to go...

 

To be honest I can't even believe it has been 8 months. I guess it is getting easier for me to get through each day, but there are days when I can remember just how happy we were and it starts a meltdown. He was the best husband in the world...and now even 8 months later, I would marry him all over again if I knew this would be the outcome. Through his love, encouragement, patience, easy going spirit, fun loving nature & leadership he helped to make me who I am today.

I am so thankful that I was able to know my wonderful husband for the 3 1/2 years that I did, he made me a better me! I am starting to be able to remember him and it not cause me so much pain. Now instead of feeling like someone stabbed me in the heart when I remember it just feels like someone punched me in the gut...I know this might sound harsh to some of you but that is the truth. The other day I was going through some things in my guest room and found the cards that Jimmy had given to me, there was some joy in remember who my husband was but also a lot of pain in the reality that he is not ever coming back.

I miss him every single day, I am not really sure if/when that will change. Our lives were so intertwined that I can't go a day without missing him. At least there are days when I can think about him and smile instead of cry or get angry. Thank God I am not so angry anymore...I am waiting for it to come back and bite me again though. I know that I will NOT work through the stages of grief in a pretty step by step package...it will come and go, the stages will come and go until one day I look back and think wow it has been a month since I cried.

I still want my husband back, I still feel married, I still love him very much...I am just starting to wrap my brain around the fact that he will never be back here again, that I am not married, and that he will still love me no matter where he is. Oh to hear one more time "you are the best wife in the world" or "I love you"...or to be held by him one more time...or to wake up and see all the dished put away...oh to have my spell checker back...oh to have my life back.

Lord help me to make it through each day by your grace, help me to become more like you through this grief process, help me to see the next step you have for me, please heal this broken heart, give me the strength to get through each day as I trust in you.

March is here!!!

I came to a realization yesterday...February is OVER!!! Praise God that I lived through the hardest month of grief so far!! It is a relief for March to come this year. February was a very emotionally draining month for me, I am looking forward to this month not being as emotionally draining. On Saturday a friend came over and helped me paint the two bedrooms in my house...Thank God for friends!! Both of the bedrooms look so much different and I love them both now. They are rearranged and have new bedding...I will post pictures as soon as I get everything back into place :)  

Please keep praying that the LORD continue to give me His peace through this awful time of grief for me. Also that He would put the desires into my heart that He has for me and that I would follow His will through those desires. I want to thank you all for your constant love, prayer & support I can't even begin to explain how much each one of you means to me. I know that there are days it is as if I am floating around on your prayers...thank you so much as they are very much needed!!

Leap day...oh how I am glad you only come every 4 years!!

As I reflect on this day 4 years ago I am overwhelmed with feelings. I am sad without a doubt, as Jimmy and I met 4 years ago today. It is very hard to deal with the fact that he is not here to celebrate this day with me as we were trying to plan something special for this day. Yet today I feel a sense of with the plan that God has given to me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God had me meet Jimmy  in 2008 and marry him the following year. He brought so much joy to my life, so much laughter, so much encouragement and the list goes on.

He balanced me in so many ways some of which I didn't even know needed to be balanced. With Jimmy there were no misspelled words, the checkbook was always balanced, trips were planned very early, the clothes were always put away, there was less clutter in the house, the paperwork was always done...oh how I miss those things. He really was the best husband in the world for me, what a joy to be loved so completely by someone. He knew me better than anyone and completed me in so many ways.

Today I reflect on how much of a blessing he was to me. If God would have told me that Jimmy would be gone just two years and forty-five days after we became one I still would have married him. I have a peace about not having Jimmy here now. It does not take away the pain, it does not make me happy that he is gone, it does not change the fact that I am still grieving, it simply makes all of these things easier to go through. God does not promise to take away our pain or trial he simply promises that he will be right there with you and walk through it with you.

I am the type of person that has to have some sort of deadline in order for me to actually do something. I set a deadline for myself that today I would either change my relationship status on facebook or I would take my rings off. So to meet this deadline I took my rings off, I did not feel ready for my relationship status to change. As of now my rings have not been on for about nine hours and I have not had one panic attack, the world has not ended, I do not feel super stressed about not having them on either but my finger sure does feel naked. This does not change the fact that I still FEEL married, but it is one tiny step in moving to the next stage in my life.

Please keep praying for peace to come, for the depression to subside, for a desire in me to honor God through all that I do, for my fears to subside & for me to have hope for my future again. I want to thank each one of you that read this and pray for me and support me no matter what. I love you and am very thankful for each of you.

In sickness and in health

I have come to this realization over the past week, so many people in America really do not mean the vows that they say to their spouse. When I said my vows to Jimmy I meant every word of them. Our marriage was until death parted us, I would not have divorced him for any reason because that is what God asks of me.

This is what I said to Jimmy on our wedding day...

I, Lisa, Commit all that I am to you, Jimmy, to be one with you in marriage. By God’s spirit I promise to love you as Jesus loves His church; with all my heart, and to be true and faithful, patient, kind and unselfish.  I promise to stand beside you always, in times of joy and in times of sorrow. I also promise to follow you as you submit to Jesus Christ as the head of our lives: out of respect, love, honor, and trust.  I will serve you in sickness and in health by showing you respect and love in the ways you should be respected and need to be loved.  I dedicate our marriage, our family and our home to the lordship of Jesus Christ and promote your usefulness to God.  I pledge myself and all that I am to you in love.

I am glad that the pastor did not leave anything out...respect, love, honor, trust but most of all being unselfish. I told Jimmy on our wedding day that I would serve him in sickness and in health...those are very powerful words. These days you see spouses leave their so called loved one due to the fact that they have become sick...I ask is this love in the first place?  

At my work place there are men and women there that have gone through some sort of accident or health issues that has caused them to be labeled handicap or intellectually disabled. While I don't know all the numbers of those that were married and now are not it makes me sick that anyone would leave their so called loved one just because they are now sick. Do not get me wrong there are spouses that have stayed by their loved one's side and I commend them for that.

As I talked to someone about this my eyes filled up with tears as I said "I would give anything to have Jimmy back in that state". I do understand that this is a selfish statement but it is the truth. Due to the amount of time that Jimmy was without adequate oxygen if the doctors were able to bring him back it is more than likely that he would have been intellectually disabled. I would deal with that because I loved him with all that I am...unselfishly.

However, I know that Jimmy is far better off where he is. It is just very hard to be the one left behind to grieve the loss. I know that he is exploring everything that he can in Heaven, and listening to every word our LORD has to say. He is soaking it all in because that is who he is. Every time he hears something it is as if it is the first time because he wants to learn something new, that is who my husband is. I am thankful that he is in Heaven and not only do I get to see him again but I also know now that he is in 100% health and he is in the presence of Jesus...how amazing is that? So as much as I love him and would have served him in sickness I am glad that he is not sick anymore and that he can see our Savior face to face.

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

Blessed are you, as you weep on your knees with perfume and tears washing over My feet

Blessed are you, beggar, hopeless and blind calling for mercy when I’m passing by

Blessed are you, shaking your head at two tiny fish and some bread

Blessed are you as you tremble and wait for the first stone thrown at your sinful disgrace

Tell me your story, show me your wounds

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you

Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

Blessed are you, walking on waves to find yourself sinking when you look away

Blessed are you, leper, standing alone, the fear on their faces, is all that you’ve known

Blessed are you, lonely widow who gave your last shiny coin to Yahweh

Blessed are you with your silver and lies, kissing the One who’s saving your life

Tell me your story, show me your wounds

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you

Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

I see what I made in your mother's womb

I see the day I fell in love with you.

I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance

I see My Father's fingerprints

I see your story, I see My name

Written on every beautiful page

You see the struggle, you see the shame

I see the reason I came

I came for your story, I came for your wounds

To show you what Love sees when I see you

I had heard this song more than once on the album "music inspired by the Story" but there is a difference is hearing and really listening to the words. Jesus sees our lives from the moment we are conceived in our mother's womb all the way to the day we enter Heaven and leave this life. He uses each trial, struggle, joy, blessing in our lives to make us who we are. He does not always take the trial or pain away however He does use it to make us more like Him. He might take away a blessing or a joy and this does not mean that He is punishing us just that He needed to take it away in order for us to fully understand our need for Him and how much He loves us. The song says that Jesus came for my story and my wounds...He understands what I am going through and all the feelings and pain that go with it. He understands that I will be angry, that I will be depressed, that I will feel like my life can't go on, that I feel so very alone without Jimmy, that I don't feel like myself anymore...the list goes on and on. I am very thankful that the LORD understands my feelings and my anger. There are times that I think about what will be next...what will the LORD take away from me this time? Sometimes I forget that the blessings that I ever had were given to me from Him in the first place. He did fill my cup but He also let the cup spill. All I can do is let the LORD use this all for what HE wants to accomplish in my life. LORD thank you for showing me that you can and will use everything that happens to me to make me more like you.

7 Months down & a lifetime to go...

Today marks 7 months without the love of my life. Yesterday was the first Valentine's day without him also...as I started this month thinking about these two days being in the same week I was so overwhelmed I could not think straight. As I woke up yesterday I had a complete meltdown, then another meltdown on the way to work, yet another meltdown while I was at work, I left work an hour early because I could not pretend to be happy anymore this led me to my husband's grave. As I stood there my thought was...really what 32 year old "celebrates" valentine's day standing at a grave?

I went and bought the brightest flowers I could find at the store as I laid them next to his name on the tombstone something just clicked inside of me. I was standing over what remains of my husband on this earth...never thought that would give me so much comfort. So many times I have been told that Jimmy is in heaven or that I will see him again some would think that this would be of comfort for me however it just makes me even more angry.

You see this all implies that Jimmy IS alive just not with me here on earth. While I know this IS the TRUTH it is not what comforts me at this time. He is alive but he is not with me where I really want him to be. Yes this is my flesh talking I do know that...but I am human. What did comfort me yesterday was that the part of Jimmy that remains here on this earth is exactly not what  I want right now. This helps the longing to be in Heaven right now subside. Yesterday I was given a peace that only God can give. Even though it came in a way that most people would not expect. I thank the Lord for this comfort.

Today as I woke up I had this feeling that I really did not want to go to work today. I now know that this was just an attack of satan. I planned to go eat dinner at one of the homes at my work place. It had been scheduled since last week and when I woke up this morning I just feel overwhelmed by the fact that I "had" to go do this tonight. I just felt this need to back out. I am very thankful that I chose to go to work today. When one of the guys that I teach saw me he said (with a ton of excitement) "you are eating dinner at my house tonight." How can you not want to go when this is how you are greeted first thing in the morning?

While I was at their home I was shown every person's room, the chickens outside and the love of Christ. These men welcomed me with open arms, they did not care what I looked like, what kind of shoes I had on, if I had makeup on, if I said everything perfect and so on. They just loved me due to the fact that I wanted to spend time with them in their home. How sweet is the love of these wonderful men who showed me the love of Jesus through their actions. I am blessed to be working where I am, thank you LORD!!!  So while it was a hard day for me it was so good to see God's love for me through the wonderful men.

A typical trip to HEB for me...

As I walked into the grocery store today I was greeted with all the valentine's crap in the store. I have been avoiding the grocery store lately, a place I used to love to go to. I do not like going into the store and seeing all the mom's, seeing couples shopping together oh and shopping for just me...how I hate that. It is not fun to cook for just one person, and what do you cook? I mean why waste the time to cook a whole meal for just one person?

I don't even remember what I actually like to eat...I was so used to buying food based off of Jimmy's health issues that I no longer know what I want. It would also be nice if I actually had an appetite, but I don't.  There is only one time out of the month that I actually have an appetite but most of the time I just want junk food, that does not make for a good dinner. I have not been able to buy certain things in the store yet. I just ate a banana for the first time in 6 months in January. I used to buy bananas for Jimmy at least once a week, I have not even bought any since he went to Heaven. It just hurts to bad to have them in the house. I still can't even look at the rotisserie chicken at HEB, the lady behind me at HEB today had one and it made me sick to my stomach to smell it, then to see it just made it worse.  

After my grocery store outing I decided to go to Hobby Lobby (craft store for anyone who does not know). This was painful in many different ways for me. You see when I go into a store where there are likely to be couples or families I can somewhat prepare myself for the sting. Going into a craft store one would think that it would not be so painful. Oh man was I wrong. I used their restroom, where I had to pick the roll of toilet paper off the floor and use my own hand sanitizer do to the fact that there was no soap, as if this was not enough to turn the trip south. I went to the scrap book aisles and I just stared at everything as if I never even know what to do with any of it. It was as if I was looking at the entire store for the very first time. I don't know how to explain the pain that this brings to me.

I used to love going into Hobby Lobby, Jimmy would stay in the car if he came with me just so that I would not spend so much time inside because I would spend way too much money there. Don't get me wrong I would only buy something if it was on sale or clearance but it was still money that didn't need to be spent. He would always praise me for how much I saved though, I don't think he was capable of even one negative thought. Oh how I miss the words "I am so proud of you". Oh how I miss his sweet smile, his contagious laugh, the look in his eyes when I would tell him I was making chicken curry, the look in his eyes when I would be making dinner when he got home, his smell, his love of paperwork, his ability to spell, his love for me....as you can tell I could go on and on.

I feel as though not only did my husband leave to be with Jesus, but I lost myself as well. I can't even tell you the last time I picked up my camera...at this very moment I don't even know where it is. The last card I made was for inside of Jimmy's casket...can't seem to make any others since. I can't remember anything...I have actually almost signed using my maiden name in the last 6 1/2 months. As I walked through the grocery store then the craft store today...all I could think of is "I want my husband back". I miss him with everything that I am...oh for just one more day. What I wouldn't give for just one more day. My entire world has changed...I just want something...anything that feels normal to me again.

Where I am at right now...

I am dealing with a lot of depression and anger right now...for anyone that is worried about me this is NORMAL in grieving. I am at a point that I just need to take some me time and start the process of healing. Please do not take offense to this or worry about me, God made me and knew that this is how I would deal with this very situation...He will take care of me. If you worry about me please just lift me up in prayer, God can and will take care of me. Thank you all for your love, support and concern.

Detours

Last week I had to take a detour to work due to an accident. As I wrote about this it made me think about the fact that my entire life has been one detour after another.

When I was 12 I went from being an only child to one of 6 over night.

In my twenties one man took advantage of me in a way that made me look at men in a very different way which also led to me not being able to trust men in general.

While I was in college God closed every door for me to go back to the school where I had been studying youth ministry.

This then led me to go to another college and graduating with a degree in Human Services.

I got married to the best husband in the world 14 days after my graduation which led me half way across the country from my family and friends.

Then last summer my entire world was turned upside down by the latest detour, my wonderful husband went Home to Heaven.

            There are more detours I could take you on but I am not up for sharing them all at this time. Some would look at my life and wonder how all of this could have happened to one person, or how anyone could get through all of it, or maybe you are reading this and thinking if she only knew what my life has been like she would be grateful, or maybe everyone has as many detours in their lives. No matter what the case, we all go through so sort of detour in our lives at some point. And what we do with the detour depends on a lot of different factors. How we were raised, what our life experiences are, our faith, our support systems and so on. We all react to any given circumstance in our own way due to the many differences in our lives.

                I have come to the conclusion that if my life had not been full of detours that I would not be able to make it through the latest detour. I have been told over and over again that I am a strong woman, but what makes a strong woman? We only become strong by being tested over and over again. It is through this testing that we can finally "get it right" when it is really needed. If I had not dealt with grief, stress, heartbreak & traumatic situations in my past I would defiantly not know how to deal with the loss of my husband. I am in no way saying that anyone really knows how to deal with the loss of a spouse, however through the testing in our lives we can understand what has worked or not worked for us in our past experiences. 

                This latest detour has changed my life in ways I wouldn't even imagined before this happened to me. I go to the grocery store and wonder aimlessly wondering what do you cook for one person, I go out in public and see couples together everywhere and it causes a reaction of anger and disgust in me that I have never had before, I have a longing for human touch that I never had before...the list goes on and on. It makes me think about the fact that maybe just maybe my world was wrapped up in my husband to a fault. Would I change the way our marriage was looking back...absolutely not...but it has made me think about Jesus as my husband. He is the first man that should be in anyone's life, and I have to admit that I was not actually putting Him first while Jimmy was here on Earth. Would I have come to rely on Jesus to the extent that He deserves without Him taking Jimmy to live with Him? I don't know...I really can't answer that and it does not actually matter at this point either.

                I have come to this realization that I am at a crossroads in my life and faith. Do I feel God here with me as in an actual presence...no. Do I trust (rely on with confidence of the outcome)Him...not so sure anymore. Do I believe that He will work this all together for my good...not so sure of that either. I am at a point where I have to look at His truth, the Word that He has given to us and choose if I am going to believe it as TRUTH or not. I will be honest and say that I don't want to believe it as Truth because my life seems so much to be upside down and since I can't see how any of this will turn out for my good it is hard to believe that IS the Truth. Where was God when all of these detours happened in my life? Did He just sit there and let it all unfold knowing that it would make me see Him in this light now? Is all of this really for my good? How can it be?

                This all being said I am asking for prayer during this very dark time/place I am in right now. I feel like I am in a well a very deep one with quicksand under me, I sink further and further down with no escape in sight. I am at the point of wondering if God is really in this pit with me because I see NO light here with me. Lord, Help me I am sinking!

6 Months down & a lifetime to go

I never would have imagined that today would be harder than what I faced 6 months ago. The realization that Jimmy has been gone from this earth for half a year is so overwhelming to me. On one hand I feel like it was just yesterday that he was here with me then on the other hand I feel like it has been forever since I heard his say "you're the best wife in the world." I can't still hear the words...but only if I try really hard. I am starting to forget things...like how he looked when he first woke up, and how excited he got about a new airplane movie coming out, the sound of his laugh, the look on his face when he loved what I cooked for dinner...the list goes on. Oh how desperately I don't want to forget him...yet it is inevitable that I will forget certain things. There is no way to stop it.

A few days ago I went to his clothes, that hang in the spare bedroom closet now, and I realized that they no longer smell like him. I can't even explain the melt down that I had, I completely lost it. Everything is being stripped away one piece at a time in my life. And now that includes the smell of Jimmy. This realization is heart wrenching. Not only is my husband not here...not I don't have anything left that smells like him. The only thing left are the memories...which I can't even think about and be happy yet.

On Thursday I had to take a detour due to an accident.  This detour took me right past the restaurant where Jimmy and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary. At this point in my journey of grief I am a pro at driving while having a melt down because that is where most of them happen. I got so angry that not only would I be late for work but that I also had to have this pain brought up again. I wish that I could think of him and be happy...and sometimes that is what happens...but instead most of the time I get so angry that the Lord took away the best husband on earth. Well on Thursday I got angry...and I told God just how I felt about the way my life is now. Thank God He will never turn His back on me, because after my little rant I would have turned my back on me!

I am dealing with anger a lot these days. I am angry because this is my life, I am angry because I feel like I not only lost Jimmy but I lost myself, I am angry that I have no family in TX with me, I am angry when no one remembers how bad of a day the 15th is for me...I could go on forever it seems. I am at a crossroad...let the anger overtake me or give everything over to God once again. I am not quite at the point of letting God have it all yet. I want to be angry...I want to break something...I want to push every person out of my life....why? I finally came to the realization as to why.

I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone I love again. Therefore if I push everyone out I will never have that problem again. The problem is I never have the love again either. But right now I do not believe the saying "better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"...I would rather be alone than go through this pain ever again! I loved Jimmy with all that I have and he loved be back in the same way. How precious the love we shared. I just wish I could remember the wonderful memories without being so angry and sad. I am sure that one day that will come. I just wish it was now!