As I reflect on this day 4 years ago I am overwhelmed with feelings. I am sad without a doubt, as Jimmy and I met 4 years ago today. It is very hard to deal with the fact that he is not here to celebrate this day with me as we were trying to plan something special for this day. Yet today I feel a sense of with the plan that God has given to me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God had me meet Jimmy in 2008 and marry him the following year. He brought so much joy to my life, so much laughter, so much encouragement and the list goes on.
He balanced me in so many ways some of which I didn't even know needed to be balanced. With Jimmy there were no misspelled words, the checkbook was always balanced, trips were planned very early, the clothes were always put away, there was less clutter in the house, the paperwork was always done...oh how I miss those things. He really was the best husband in the world for me, what a joy to be loved so completely by someone. He knew me better than anyone and completed me in so many ways.
Today I reflect on how much of a blessing he was to me. If God would have told me that Jimmy would be gone just two years and forty-five days after we became one I still would have married him. I have a peace about not having Jimmy here now. It does not take away the pain, it does not make me happy that he is gone, it does not change the fact that I am still grieving, it simply makes all of these things easier to go through. God does not promise to take away our pain or trial he simply promises that he will be right there with you and walk through it with you.
I am the type of person that has to have some sort of deadline in order for me to actually do something. I set a deadline for myself that today I would either change my relationship status on facebook or I would take my rings off. So to meet this deadline I took my rings off, I did not feel ready for my relationship status to change. As of now my rings have not been on for about nine hours and I have not had one panic attack, the world has not ended, I do not feel super stressed about not having them on either but my finger sure does feel naked. This does not change the fact that I still FEEL married, but it is one tiny step in moving to the next stage in my life.
Please keep praying for peace to come, for the depression to subside, for a desire in me to honor God through all that I do, for my fears to subside & for me to have hope for my future again. I want to thank each one of you that read this and pray for me and support me no matter what. I love you and am very thankful for each of you.