Last week I had to take a detour to work due to an accident. As I wrote about this it made me think about the fact that my entire life has been one detour after another.
When I was 12 I went from being an only child to one of 6 over night.
In my twenties one man took advantage of me in a way that made me look at men in a very different way which also led to me not being able to trust men in general.
While I was in college God closed every door for me to go back to the school where I had been studying youth ministry.
This then led me to go to another college and graduating with a degree in Human Services.
I got married to the best husband in the world 14 days after my graduation which led me half way across the country from my family and friends.
Then last summer my entire world was turned upside down by the latest detour, my wonderful husband went Home to Heaven.
There are more detours I could take you on but I am not up for sharing them all at this time. Some would look at my life and wonder how all of this could have happened to one person, or how anyone could get through all of it, or maybe you are reading this and thinking if she only knew what my life has been like she would be grateful, or maybe everyone has as many detours in their lives. No matter what the case, we all go through so sort of detour in our lives at some point. And what we do with the detour depends on a lot of different factors. How we were raised, what our life experiences are, our faith, our support systems and so on. We all react to any given circumstance in our own way due to the many differences in our lives.
I have come to the conclusion that if my life had not been full of detours that I would not be able to make it through the latest detour. I have been told over and over again that I am a strong woman, but what makes a strong woman? We only become strong by being tested over and over again. It is through this testing that we can finally "get it right" when it is really needed. If I had not dealt with grief, stress, heartbreak & traumatic situations in my past I would defiantly not know how to deal with the loss of my husband. I am in no way saying that anyone really knows how to deal with the loss of a spouse, however through the testing in our lives we can understand what has worked or not worked for us in our past experiences.
This latest detour has changed my life in ways I wouldn't even imagined before this happened to me. I go to the grocery store and wonder aimlessly wondering what do you cook for one person, I go out in public and see couples together everywhere and it causes a reaction of anger and disgust in me that I have never had before, I have a longing for human touch that I never had before...the list goes on and on. It makes me think about the fact that maybe just maybe my world was wrapped up in my husband to a fault. Would I change the way our marriage was looking back...absolutely not...but it has made me think about Jesus as my husband. He is the first man that should be in anyone's life, and I have to admit that I was not actually putting Him first while Jimmy was here on Earth. Would I have come to rely on Jesus to the extent that He deserves without Him taking Jimmy to live with Him? I don't know...I really can't answer that and it does not actually matter at this point either.
I have come to this realization that I am at a crossroads in my life and faith. Do I feel God here with me as in an actual presence...no. Do I trust (rely on with confidence of the outcome)Him...not so sure anymore. Do I believe that He will work this all together for my good...not so sure of that either. I am at a point where I have to look at His truth, the Word that He has given to us and choose if I am going to believe it as TRUTH or not. I will be honest and say that I don't want to believe it as Truth because my life seems so much to be upside down and since I can't see how any of this will turn out for my good it is hard to believe that IS the Truth. Where was God when all of these detours happened in my life? Did He just sit there and let it all unfold knowing that it would make me see Him in this light now? Is all of this really for my good? How can it be?
This all being said I am asking for prayer during this very dark time/place I am in right now. I feel like I am in a well a very deep one with quicksand under me, I sink further and further down with no escape in sight. I am at the point of wondering if God is really in this pit with me because I see NO light here with me. Lord, Help me I am sinking!