Wednesday, February 15, 2012

7 Months down & a lifetime to go...

Today marks 7 months without the love of my life. Yesterday was the first Valentine's day without him I started this month thinking about these two days being in the same week I was so overwhelmed I could not think straight. As I woke up yesterday I had a complete meltdown, then another meltdown on the way to work, yet another meltdown while I was at work, I left work an hour early because I could not pretend to be happy anymore this led me to my husband's grave. As I stood there my thought was...really what 32 year old "celebrates" valentine's day standing at a grave?
I went and bought the brightest flowers I could find at the store as I laid them next to his name on the tombstone something just clicked inside of me. I was standing over what remains of my husband on this earth...never thought that would give me so much comfort. So many times I have been told that Jimmy is in heaven or that I will see him again some would think that this would be of comfort for me however it just makes me even more angry.
You see this all implies that Jimmy IS alive just not with me here on earth. While I know this IS the TRUTH it is not what comforts me at this time. He is alive but he is not with me where I really want him to be. Yes this is my flesh talking I do know that...but I am human. What did comfort me yesterday was that the part of Jimmy that remains here on this earth is exactly not what  I want right now. This helps the longing to be in Heaven right now subside. Yesterday I was given a peace that only God can give. Even though it came in a way that most people would not expect. I thank the Lord for this comfort.
Today as I woke up I had this feeling that I really did not want to go to work today. I now know that this was just an attack of satan. I planned to go eat dinner at one of the homes at my work place. It had been scheduled since last week and when I woke up this morning I just feel overwhelmed by the fact that I "had" to go do this tonight. I just felt this need to back out. I am very thankful that I chose to go to work today. When one of the guys that I teach saw me he said (with a ton of excitement) "you are eating dinner at my house tonight." How can you not want to go when this is how you are greeted first thing in the morning?
While I was at their home I was shown every person's room, the chickens outside and the love of Christ. These men welcomed me with open arms, they did not care what I looked like, what kind of shoes I had on, if I had makeup on, if I said everything perfect and so on. They just loved me due to the fact that I wanted to spend time with them in their home. How sweet is the love of these wonderful men who showed me the love of Jesus through their actions. I am blessed to be working where I am, thank you LORD!!!  So while it was a hard day for me it was so good to see God's love for me through the wonderful men.

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