Sunday, January 15, 2012

6 Months down & a lifetime to go

I never would have imagined that today would be harder than what I faced 6 months ago. The realization that Jimmy has been gone from this earth for half a year is so overwhelming to me. On one hand I feel like it was just yesterday that he was here with me then on the other hand I feel like it has been forever since I heard his say "you're the best wife in the world." I can't still hear the words...but only if I try really hard. I am starting to forget how he looked when he first woke up, and how excited he got about a new airplane movie coming out, the sound of his laugh, the look on his face when he loved what I cooked for dinner...the list goes on. Oh how desperately I don't want to forget him...yet it is inevitable that I will forget certain things. There is no way to stop it.

A few days ago I went to his clothes, that hang in the spare bedroom closet now, and I realized that they no longer smell like him. I can't even explain the melt down that I had, I completely lost it. Everything is being stripped away one piece at a time in my life. And now that includes the smell of Jimmy. This realization is heart wrenching. Not only is my husband not here...not I don't have anything left that smells like him. The only thing left are the memories...which I can't even think about and be happy yet.

On Thursday I had to take a detour due to an accident.  This detour took me right past the restaurant where Jimmy and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary. At this point in my journey of grief I am a pro at driving while having a melt down because that is where most of them happen. I got so angry that not only would I be late for work but that I also had to have this pain brought up again. I wish that I could think of him and be happy...and sometimes that is what happens...but instead most of the time I get so angry that the Lord took away the best husband on earth. Well on Thursday I got angry...and I told God just how I felt about the way my life is now. Thank God He will never turn His back on me, because after my little rant I would have turned my back on me!

I am dealing with anger a lot these days. I am angry because this is my life, I am angry because I feel like I not only lost Jimmy but I lost myself, I am angry that I have no family in TX with me, I am angry when no one remembers how bad of a day the 15th is for me...I could go on forever it seems. I am at a crossroad...let the anger overtake me or give everything over to God once again. I am not quite at the point of letting God have it all yet. I want to be angry...I want to break something...I want to push every person out of my life....why? I finally came to the realization as to why.

I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone I love again. Therefore if I push everyone out I will never have that problem again. The problem is I never have the love again either. But right now I do not believe the saying "better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"...I would rather be alone than go through this pain ever again! I loved Jimmy with all that I have and he loved be back in the same way. How precious the love we shared. I just wish I could remember the wonderful memories without being so angry and sad. I am sure that one day that will come. I just wish it was now!

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