Wednesday, March 14, 2012

8 Months down and a lifetime to go...

To be honest I can't even believe it has been 8 months. I guess it is getting easier for me to get through each day, but there are days when I can remember just how happy we were and it starts a meltdown. He was the best husband in the world...and now even 8 months later, I would marry him all over again if I knew this would be the outcome. Through his love, encouragement, patience, easy going spirit, fun loving nature & leadership he helped to make me who I am today.

I am so thankful that I was able to know my wonderful husband for the 3 1/2 years that I did, he made me a better me! I am starting to be able to remember him and it not cause me so much pain. Now instead of feeling like someone stabbed me in the heart when I remember it just feels like someone punched me in the gut...I know this might sound harsh to some of you but that is the truth. The other day I was going through some things in my guest room and found the cards that Jimmy had given to me, there was some joy in remember who my husband was but also a lot of pain in the reality that he is not ever coming back.

I miss him every single day, I am not really sure if/when that will change. Our lives were so intertwined that I can't go a day without missing him. At least there are days when I can think about him and smile instead of cry or get angry. Thank God I am not so angry anymore...I am waiting for it to come back and bite me again though. I know that I will NOT work through the stages of grief in a pretty step by step will come and go, the stages will come and go until one day I look back and think wow it has been a month since I cried.

I still want my husband back, I still feel married, I still love him very much...I am just starting to wrap my brain around the fact that he will never be back here again, that I am not married, and that he will still love me no matter where he is. Oh to hear one more time "you are the best wife in the world" or "I love you"...or to be held by him one more time...or to wake up and see all the dished put away...oh to have my spell checker back...oh to have my life back.

Lord help me to make it through each day by your grace, help me to become more like you through this grief process, help me to see the next step you have for me, please heal this broken heart, give me the strength to get through each day as I trust in you.

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