As I walked into the grocery store today I was greeted with all the valentine's crap in the store. I have been avoiding the grocery store lately, a place I used to love to go to. I do not like going into the store and seeing all the mom's, seeing couples shopping together oh and shopping for just me...how I hate that. It is not fun to cook for just one person, and what do you cook? I mean why waste the time to cook a whole meal for just one person?
I don't even remember what I actually like to eat...I was so used to buying food based off of Jimmy's health issues that I no longer know what I want. It would also be nice if I actually had an appetite, but I don't. There is only one time out of the month that I actually have an appetite but most of the time I just want junk food, that does not make for a good dinner. I have not been able to buy certain things in the store yet. I just ate a banana for the first time in 6 months in January. I used to buy bananas for Jimmy at least once a week, I have not even bought any since he went to Heaven. It just hurts to bad to have them in the house. I still can't even look at the rotisserie chicken at HEB, the lady behind me at HEB today had one and it made me sick to my stomach to smell it, then to see it just made it worse.
After my grocery store outing I decided to go to Hobby Lobby (craft store for anyone who does not know). This was painful in many different ways for me. You see when I go into a store where there are likely to be couples or families I can somewhat prepare myself for the sting. Going into a craft store one would think that it would not be so painful. Oh man was I wrong. I used their restroom, where I had to pick the roll of toilet paper off the floor and use my own hand sanitizer do to the fact that there was no soap, as if this was not enough to turn the trip south. I went to the scrap book aisles and I just stared at everything as if I never even know what to do with any of it. It was as if I was looking at the entire store for the very first time. I don't know how to explain the pain that this brings to me.
I used to love going into Hobby Lobby, Jimmy would stay in the car if he came with me just so that I would not spend so much time inside because I would spend way too much money there. Don't get me wrong I would only buy something if it was on sale or clearance but it was still money that didn't need to be spent. He would always praise me for how much I saved though, I don't think he was capable of even one negative thought. Oh how I miss the words "I am so proud of you". Oh how I miss his sweet smile, his contagious laugh, the look in his eyes when I would tell him I was making chicken curry, the look in his eyes when I would be making dinner when he got home, his smell, his love of paperwork, his ability to spell, his love for me....as you can tell I could go on and on.
I feel as though not only did my husband leave to be with Jesus, but I lost myself as well. I can't even tell you the last time I picked up my camera...at this very moment I don't even know where it is. The last card I made was for inside of Jimmy's casket...can't seem to make any others since. I can't remember anything...I have actually almost signed using my maiden name in the last 6 1/2 months. As I walked through the grocery store then the craft store today...all I could think of is "I want my husband back". I miss him with everything that I am...oh for just one more day. What I wouldn't give for just one more day. My entire world has changed...I just want something...anything that feels normal to me again.