As my birthday is just hours away I find myself feeling very anxious. I always loved my birthday and would start a count down on Dec 2 just to make sure that everyone remembered. Now I wish I could skip February 2nd all together. The closer it comes the more I want to run away and hide for the day...well the whole month. All the "firsts" of this year are going to be awful and I know it is something that I have to deal with...knowing that does not make it any easier though. I just want to have my husband back....or be in Heaven with him. I don't want to celebrate anything including my birthday.
For the past week my students have been reminding me of my birthday. They are all excited enough for me and them! So as I am at work I have to play the part of being excited with them...and while that seems like what is "normal" for me it also feels very foreign. I feel like I just want to stay in bed for the entire day and not see anyone tomorrow. However my reality is that I have to go to work...so I am going to try and make the best of it. I went to Sam's today and got cupcakes for everyone and while I was there I saw some beautiful purple roses (my fav) and I knew they were meant for me. Jimmy would come home with flowers a day or two before my birthday just to be able to surprise me. I feel like they were a gift from him because they were the only purple roses in the store.
Please keep praying that the Lord starts to heal my heart and for Him to give me a peace that surpasses all understanding...February is really going to be a very hard month for me. My birthday, Valentine's Day, the 15th & leap day (the day Jimmy and I met 4 years ago)...right now it seems there is no end in sight.