Sunday, January 8, 2012


I came to a realization today while I was in Church...

                1. The fact that I understand that the LORD has the best plan for me no matter what does NOT mean that it takes away my pain of losing my husband.

          2. Without going through the pain I would not become the person that the LORD wants me to be. The pain is how HE is making more like HIM and into the person who HE wants me to be.

What I deal with everyday...

                1. Jimmy loved Jesus more than me and is very happy to be in Heaven with him.

            2. Jimmy no longer has to suffer here on this Earth with the rest of us.

            3. The plan that the LORD has for me is far better than anything I could ever dream of.

            4. Nothing will ever be the same on this Earth for me.

            5. I wake up every morning without Jimmy here.

            6. Half of me is really do not understand being one with someone until they are gone.

            7. I can't seem to be my "normal" self anymore...I forget everything, I can't keep my house clean, I have no desire to do anything artistic, I don't feel like cooking...and the list goes on.

            8. Max (my cat) still looks for his "daddy" and it breaks my heart every time.

            9. Jimmy's chair will always be empty.

            10. My entire future changed in the blink of an eye.

What I don't understand...

                1. Why people think that my life is back to "normal"

       2. Why people are shocked when I say my holidays were the worst I have ever had in my life.

       3. Why I can't make it through a Church service without crying the entire time.

       4. Why I don't have the desire to do the things that I once loved doing.

       5. Why in our culture we don't let people just grieve.

       6. Why do people think that  I am done grieving.

       7. How can people just forget about Jimmy so quickly.

       8. Why it feels like I am the only one who is still grieving the loss of Jimmy.

       9. Why it makes me sick to my stomach to see couples hold hands or sit next to each other.

       10. Why I have no desire to celebrate anything.

All of this brings pain...a lot of it. As I take the road through this pain it will make me not only closer to the Lord but also make me more like HIM. I don't know what that looks like in the end, I don't understand why all of this happened, I would not have chosen this...but for some reason this is what the LORD has chosen therefore I have to praise HIM no matter what. HE is the one that is good...not me. HE is there waiting to comfort me I just have to seek HIM even when I don't feel like it.

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