Starting a new year as a widow is something I never thought would happen until I was much older. Widow is a word that I have come to hate. Would I hate it so much if I was older? I have no idea. I know that it is something I thought I would never have to deal with at 31. I still have not been able to wrap my brain around the fact that on July 15th I started the day married to the best husband I could have asked for and then ended the day as a widow. maybe I am stuck there still I don't know. Being a widow has become something that has a very negative connotation for me now.
As I look ahead to the next month I am very overwhelmed by all the "firsts" I have to deal with. My birthday, valentine's day and leap day, Jimmy and I met on leap day 2008. February is going to be a very difficult month and I am not really looking forward to the month even coming. I normally would be so excited for my birthday that I would let everyone know when it was 3,2 &1 month away. I am not excited for any holiday at all.
I am starting to not really feel like myself at all. Is it depression? Is it just grief? Is it my new "normal"? Sometimes I wish I could feel like my normal self again...the only problem is that I will never be that person again. Today on the news I heard a reporter say "the family is grieving instead of celebrating" (this was due to a woman that was killed on New Year's Eve) why do people only think about those that lost a loved one very recent during the holidays? No one is ever the same after they lose a loved one. It does not matter how many days, weeks, years or decades that pass each day and especially holidays will never be the same. There is an ache that will never leave you as long as you live. There will always be a place in your heart that is not the same due to the fact that that person is not there. Like a missing puzzle piece...you can't finish the whole puzzle due to the fact that just one piece is missing.
It is not just one person that is missing in my life...my entire future that I thought I had is missing. I thought I would be married for 50+ years, have kids, grandkids, retire together...part of my identity is gone not just Jimmy. How do you go on with your life when your entire identity has changed? I no longer am married I am a widow. I no longer have the dream of being a mother just the longing to be someone's mommy. I no longer have the dream of growing old with Jimmy, just to grow old by myself.
I am starting to feel like I am so alone and always will be. I know that the Lord is always there with me, I am starting to just not feel like He is really there. All of these holidays in a row have me feeling very down. I am still not sure how to get back up...I just feel like I am being knocked down over and over again. I am pretty sure the next year is going to be like that for me...at least if I expect it then when it happens I will not be caught off guard.
Please keep praying for me to heal and that I would feel the LORD close to me. I wish everyone understood that grief gets worse before it ever gets better...most people tell you that it will get better. I promise you I feel far worse today than I did on August 1st. I just wish it would all be over...oh how I wish that was possible.
LORD, help me to not feel alone. Please hold me in your hands and help me to feel your presence. Help me to learn every lesson you want me to learn. Teach me all that you have for me during this year, LORD.