Saturday, December 17, 2011

My Needs

As I talked to my friend last night I realized that I have not let myself feel for the last 2 months. I have put up these walls around, people, internet..DISTRACTION!!! Anything that helps me to keep my mind off of the fact that I am in pain. So many people will tell you that you NEED to be busy, that you NEED to do something to keep your mind off of your loved one. I don't want to take my mind off of Jimmy...especially not during Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why do people think that THEY know what is best for me? If I want to spend a day by myself even a holiday then that is what I am going to do...end of story! I really felt like I should spend Thanksgiving alone but due to the fact that so many people told me I should not be alone I felt that they knew better than I did. But I NEED to be able to take the time to remember Jimmy and to grieve.

There are 2 things that I really cannot deal with hearing from anyone...

1. How are you?...if you really want to know then ask if you don't want to hear that my life sucks right now then don't ask!!

2. I understand or I know how you feel...NO YOU DON'T!!!  First of all if you did not lose your spouse you can't even begin to imagine how it feels to  literally have half of you gone, second if you lost someone that is much older than you as in a grandparent it is not the same due to the fact that it is the natural order of life. You have not walked even one day in my shoes so please don't try to think you have.

So I am telling you what I know I NEED not what you think I NEED...please don't ask me how I am especially right now...Christmas is almost here and all I want this year is to have Jimmy do you think I feel? I also don't NEED you telling what you think I NEED because you are not me and you can't possibly know what is best for me. And last but NOT NOT tell me you know how I feel or that you understand what I am going through...You can't understand everything that Jimmy and I went through during our time together therefore you can't even begin to understand how I now feel without him.

There are going to be days that I NEED to be left alone, so I might not answer the phone or email you back it does NOT mean that I don't like you or don't ever want to talk to you again, it simply means I need space and time to heal that day. I might not want to do anything on Christmas and that is ok...this is about my healing NOT about what is best for someone else! Please don't be offended when I am moody during these holidays, it sucks to be in this place right now.

I really just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate until about July 16, 2012 yet this will NOT make anything better because when I got up it would still all be there to deal with...every emotion under the sun. I still feel like my emotions are bipolar at times and it is irritating. But this is something that I have to learn to deal with I guess...Lord help me.


1 comment:

  1. I'm praying for you, and that the Lord gives you comfort to get through the holidays. I love you, and you can tell me anytime what YOU need, and I wont be offended.
    I can't even begin to know the hurt and pain you are going through. I can only imagine a very tiny minute sliver of that pain. I think about the depression and massive ache in my chest after losing Kea and think, how can Lisa handle this which is a 100 times worst? Only by God's goodness, compassion, and strength, and time...lots and lots of time to slowly heal that wound. But then you have the pain from not wanting that wound to heal for fear of forgetting. You don't want to go forward, you just want to go backwards.
    I will be praying for you a lot and thinking about you while you are gone. I hope some of your tears will be bittersweet full of happy memories you and Jimmy had together.

    - Liz