Thursday, December 15, 2011

5 Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

Today marks 5 months without my wonderful seems like yesterday that he kissed me goodnight yet it seems like he has been gone forever. I am learning to see things in a new way, when I see an airplane instead of falling apart I smile and think "Jimmy will always be here with me." When Max curls up next to me in bed, sometimes I still get irritated but most of the time I remember that Jimmy always said "his purring puts me to sleep." That is why Jimmy liked to have Max sleep right beside him on the bed. Instead of thinking all the time how terrible it is that I don't have Jimmy with me anymore I think how blessed I am that I got to spend 2 years married to him and another year getting to know him. He helped to make me who I am today, he was so much more like Christ than me and he helped me to be more like HIM too. I am so thankful that he loved me so much that it mattered to him that my character be more like Jesus.

Do I still have times when I am angry, irritated at the world & depressed? YES! Almost every day I have at least one of these feelings/emotions. I would like for a day without bipolar emotions, without moments of hopelessness, a day without crying, a day without memories that bring pain, a day without the feeling that something is lacking...and the list goes on. Some people think that grieving is over within 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, a year...I promise you it does not end in this amount of time. When someone dies those that are left behind will never be the same. I deal with the fact that Jimmy is in Heaven every single day! I am left without my husband, without the future we planned, without his laughter and sense of humor, without his sweet smile, without...without...without. The thing that you have to understand is that when you lose someone that you love who was a huge part of your life your life does not go back to "normal" because now there is a piece missing. And when that loss was not expected, was before the person's time or someone that was very young it is even worse. In your mind and your world they were never supposed to die when they did. It is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through in my life. And to be honest I hope and pray that I never have to go through anything harder...

It is a choice every day to not give into being angry, irritated & depressed. All of these emotions come at me every day, I have to choose to not let it consume me. I have to choose to focus on the Lord and not let the despair consume me. We are all faced with this kind of choice each day. When someone cuts you off in traffic do you get angry at them and yell at them even though they will never hear you, or do you pray for them and ask God to make their day better and for their safety? When you are irritated because you have to stand in a long line as you are shopping last minute do you take it out on the cashier or do you treat them as you would want to be treated? When a situation in your life does not go your way do you give into depression or do you seek the Lord's will in your life? You see it does not take grief to have each of these emotions we all face the possibility of them each and every day. It is our choice to either let them consume us or to let it go and let the Lord do what it is that He wants to do in your life. It should not take the loss of a loved one for us to turn our life over to God, sometimes it just does take that and He is asking you why did it take that in the first place? It is time to open up your hands and let go of all the hurt, pain, anger, depression, short temper and so is time to let your hands and heart be filled with Jesus! Let Him have control of your life, that is how it was meant to be in the first place. Stop trying to make sure everything in your life turns out the way you want it and trust (rely on with confidence of the outcome) on Jesus!

1 comment:

  1. Thank you Lisa. I really needed to be reminded of this today. I have felt like I'm trying to control so many situations right now, when I should just be letting go and saying "Lord, it's in your hands". But I haven't been giving it to him. I've been getting angry and irritable cause things aren't going my way. Sometimes it is so hard to remember to view things from an eternal/heavenly perspective, but if we would it would be so much easier to let things go! I don't know why I try so hard to control everything because God's plan is always better than mine, and I know that! So it shouldn't be that hard for me to give it over to Him...but it is!
    I know what you are going through is so hard and heartbreaking on a daily basis, but I want you to know what a testimony you are to me.