I was trying to put the second bedroom back together after painting I came across the cards that Jimmy had given to me in the 3 1/2 years he knew me. I knew that I had them but had not really taken the time to find them because I did not think that I could deal with reading them yet. So when I found them as I was organizing I am not really sure why I took the time to read them but I did nonetheless. As I read them I cried more than I have in at least 2 weeks.
I got to the point that I just could not stop the tears. As I read these cards I was reminded of just how loving and caring my husband was. He was such an amazing person, he never ever focused on a person's faults and that is a quality that most people do not have. It was very hard to read these cards but I am glad that I did just to be able to almost hear him saying these words to me was good.
As I talked to someone about the whole thing I realized that what made this so very hard is the fact that I am starting to forget little things about Jimmy. He told me each and every day that I am the best wife in the world (sometimes he would say universe) and as much as I would love to hear that again I know I never will from Jimmy. The problem is I am forgetting just how loving he was, and how sweet he was to me...these are things I thought I would never forget. However it has started to be in the back of my mind.
I think that reading those cards was easier than the realization that I am starting to forget him. I know that this is something that will happen that it is "normal" but I don't want it to happen. I am starting to realize that I am redefining my new "normal" and that hurts me just as much as reading the cards and being reminded of how wonderful he was. I really don't want a new "normal" I want my old normal back! I want to have Jimmy come home to me each day after work, to spend each Saturday with me, to be silly with me until I ask him to stop...the list goes on.
How do you redefine your "normal" without your best friend, the one you spend every day with? It is so hard to make the new "normal" but it is also very hard to forget your loved one. I know that I will never fully forget him and that I don't have to forget him ever but it is part of the process of being the one that is left behind...you forget certain things, and it is very difficult.
Oh how I wish I could hear his voice again, how I wish he would walk through the front door again, how I wish he would hold me again...it is so hard to forget all of this.
Lord, I ask that you give me the grace to walk though this, the patience to deal with myself as I go through the stages of grief, the desire to grow in your Word and the desires of your heart for me. Lord, help me to seek you in all that I do. Help me to see others in the way that you see them.