Sunday, July 15, 2012

One year down and a lifetime to go...

I really can't believe it has been a year without the love of my life. I remember thinking that this day would never come. Yet here it is July 15, 2012...I feel a bit speechless. On one hand I just want this day to be done and over with on the other hand I am sitting on the beach looking out at the water thinking I need to enjoy this as much as possible.

at 7am I was woken up to no power in my room therefore I was sweating when I woke up...I look at this as God's way of telling me to not sit and wallow in my room all day long. So I came out to the beach to write this long awaited blog post. I feel a sense of calm and peace as I sit here alone with the beautiful wind blowing against me & the smell of the salt water in the air. Thank you Lord for this peace!

As I was driven to this resort I could not help but think that Jimmy would have loved the adventure of the hour long drive over bumpy roads all while dodging bikers, horses and the occasional oncoming bus. He would have seen this as fun, I saw this as miserable due to my motion sickness but I tried to make the best of it by talking to the guy sitting next to me that worked for the travel company.  This is also something Jimmy would have to anyone and everyone. I find myself doing that more and more, talking to strangers. I am gaining the love of others that he had and I am very thankful for that. Again I praise God for changing my character as there is much to be changed in me.

On Friday I went to a memorial lunch in honor of Jimmy it was so hard for me to go however I think it was good for me to be able to talk to people that could reminisce about who he was with me.  This lunch was at his workplace which is connected to the hospital where he died. I can't even explain the hurt in my heart when I saw that hospital again. As I drove there I had 2-3 small panic attacks and cried almost the entire way in the pouring down rain. I am blessed that I made it alive...praise God again He has kept me safe this year!!

I think that today is not going to be as bad as Friday was as that day felt more like the one year anniversary as he died on a Friday. I am going to make the most of this trip and honor Jimmy by going outside of my character a little bit and being adventurous. We will see what I translate that to...maybe just taking some of the classes offered here, maybe finding some kind of tour I can go on or maybe skydiving...ha ha.  We shall see.

Please be praying that I do whatever the Lord has for me, I change whatever I need to in order to become more like HIM, that I deal with anything that the Lord wants me to deal with and that my heart is put back together by HIM and HIM alone. Pray that I let HIM guide my next step onto whatever HE has for me. I want to be in HIS will not my own.

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