Friday, June 15, 2012

11 Months down & a lifetime to go...

As I reflect on the fact that Jimmy has been in heaven for 11 months I am pretty much speechless. I really can't believe that it has already been 11 months. How did the time pass so fast? Sometimes it seems like it was yesterday that he was here with me then others it seems like it has already been years without him. I am starting to come to the place of acceptance but I also find myself fighting the acceptance. In my head I know that Jimmy will never come back but in my heart I want to fight that with every ounce of my strength.

It is a struggle that I deal with every day these days. How do you accept that your spouse is not coming back? How do you deal with the fact that he will never come home from work again, that he will never say "I love you" again, that he will never hold you again, that he will never be there to talk to again, that he will never be at the other end of the phone again...and so on? All of the everyday things that used to go on will never go on with him again. This is so hard to accept!

I think that I am starting to feel like it is time to accept that he is gone and move on but how do you do that? I know that I have taken steps in my life to move on but how do you let go of your husband, your best friend....your other half? HOW? I know that packing up his clothes will be a good step so that is a goal for me in the next week, to pack up his clothes. When I got new bookshelves I packed up his books as there was so point in putting them back on the new shelves. It was not so emotional but I somehow think that the clothes will be far more emotional. As for the pictures on the walls...not even close to being ready to take those down.

Thank you all for your prayers and support it is so much needed. Please pray for peace, for contentment, for willingness to move on to what the Lord has for me, for clarity, for a desire to know Jesus more & for his wisdom not my own. I just want to fall into His arms and let Him lead, I am so tired and don't even feel like trying to do anything anymore. I think that is actually a good place to be though.

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