What a sad & emotional day...

Today my wonderful husband would have turned 35, I am sure this number does not mean anything in Heaven. To me this means that there is one more birthday without him, a day to celebrate the life he so fully lived here, a day where tears flow freely, a day where the cycle of grief overwhelms me again & a day that I am grateful to "check" off the calendar. It is very hard to remember him now, hard to remember the "little" things he did to make me love him, the wonderful smile he had, the way he would love to annoy me (I am thankful that he did annoy me because that was a way for him to show his love), the toothbrush left on the counter with the toothpaste to match in the sink, the way he loved our "son" I mean cat ;)....there is so much I am forgetting!!

There are times when I see other people's pictures and it makes me sick to my stomach. What comes to my mind is..."why does this person get to have their husband and their kid(s)?" "why do I not get the 'dream'?" "why not me Lord?" I have gotten to the point that I don't even look at most people's pictures on facebook anymore due to the fact that it starts a whole emotional rollercoaster for me. It seems so unfair that they get to have what I always wanted and I am "stuck" with being a widow...for real WHY Lord? I know it isn't for me to question...but I do!

It is so hard to go through a day like today and not question what is going on in my life. How can such an amazing man of God be taken away so suddenly like that? Why not a husband who beat his wife? Why not a man who did drugs? Why not a man who was drinking while driving? Why not anyone else other than MY husband? This questioning gets me nowhere though. It just leads me down a road that is a dead end. Because I am not meant to know the answer to any of my questions at least for the time being if not until I am in Heaven with the Lord and Jimmy.

I am learning that I need to be content right where I am even though it is not  the path I would have chosen for my life. God is still good, He is still with me no matter if I think about turning my back on him or not, the Lord loves me no matter what, He loves me more than anyone (including Jimmy) ever could! However it is still a conscious choice to turn to Him, love Him, follow Him & trust Him every day!! We all have this choice, there are times that we chose to go our own way instead though. I have found that His yoke really is easy and His burden is light. All we have to do is choose to follow Him and trust Him not ourselves!   

One year down and a lifetime to go...

I really can't believe it has been a year without the love of my life. I remember thinking that this day would never come. Yet here it is July 15, 2012...I feel a bit speechless. On one hand I just want this day to be done and over with on the other hand I am sitting on the beach looking out at the water thinking I need to enjoy this as much as possible.

at 7am I was woken up to no power in my room therefore I was sweating when I woke up...I look at this as God's way of telling me to not sit and wallow in my room all day long. So I came out to the beach to write this long awaited blog post. I feel a sense of calm and peace as I sit here alone with the beautiful wind blowing against me & the smell of the salt water in the air. Thank you Lord for this peace!

As I was driven to this resort I could not help but think that Jimmy would have loved the adventure of the hour long drive over bumpy roads all while dodging bikers, horses and the occasional oncoming bus. He would have seen this as fun, I saw this as miserable due to my motion sickness but I tried to make the best of it by talking to the guy sitting next to me that worked for the travel company.  This is also something Jimmy would have done...talk to anyone and everyone. I find myself doing that more and more, talking to strangers. I am gaining the love of others that he had and I am very thankful for that. Again I praise God for changing my character as there is much to be changed in me.

On Friday I went to a memorial lunch in honor of Jimmy it was so hard for me to go however I think it was good for me to be able to talk to people that could reminisce about who he was with me.  This lunch was at his workplace which is connected to the hospital where he died. I can't even explain the hurt in my heart when I saw that hospital again. As I drove there I had 2-3 small panic attacks and cried almost the entire way in the pouring down rain. I am blessed that I made it alive...praise God again He has kept me safe this year!!

I think that today is not going to be as bad as Friday was as that day felt more like the one year anniversary as he died on a Friday. I am going to make the most of this trip and honor Jimmy by going outside of my character a little bit and being adventurous. We will see what I translate that to...maybe just taking some of the classes offered here, maybe finding some kind of tour I can go on or maybe skydiving...ha ha.  We shall see.

Please be praying that I do whatever the Lord has for me, I change whatever I need to in order to become more like HIM, that I deal with anything that the Lord wants me to deal with and that my heart is put back together by HIM and HIM alone. Pray that I let HIM guide my next step onto whatever HE has for me. I want to be in HIS will not my own.

Operation getting healthy...

On the exercise front...

For the past 2 weeks I have been walking 2 miles each morning other than the day that I went to Zumba after work. So in two weeks I have walked 18 miles and went to Zumba two times. I am finally starting to feel like I have more energy and I am also sleeping better...Praise God!

As for the number I have only lost 2 lbs in this two weeks. This is so very frustrating and makes me want to not keep up with the getting healthy. Please keep my motivation in your prayers as it is so hard to keep it up when the results are not really showing.

On the emotional front...

I have been having a bit of a hard time with my emotions lately. As the one year anniversary creeps up I am getting more and more emotional. I am sure this is normal but it is hard to deal with for sure. I am not having as many melt downs as the first few months but I have had a few, but mostly I am very easily irritated. I find myself getting upset about little things that I would normally not faze me at all.  

On the Spiritual front...

I have been reading the Bible on a regular basis and praying far more than before. I know this is helping me and I wish to continue for sure. Please keep this is your prayers...my desire to know the Lord more.

On the Creative front...

Nothing to report at this time. :(

Other comments...

I have been looking into grad school...it is very expensive and I need to really seek the Lord's will on this. Please keep this in your prayers as well :)

11 Months down & a lifetime to go...

As I reflect on the fact that Jimmy has been in heaven for 11 months I am pretty much speechless. I really can't believe that it has already been 11 months. How did the time pass so fast? Sometimes it seems like it was yesterday that he was here with me then others it seems like it has already been years without him. I am starting to come to the place of acceptance but I also find myself fighting the acceptance. In my head I know that Jimmy will never come back but in my heart I want to fight that with every ounce of my strength.

It is a struggle that I deal with every day these days. How do you accept that your spouse is not coming back? How do you deal with the fact that he will never come home from work again, that he will never say "I love you" again, that he will never hold you again, that he will never be there to talk to again, that he will never be at the other end of the phone again...and so on? All of the everyday things that used to go on will never go on with him again. This is so hard to accept!

I think that I am starting to feel like it is time to accept that he is gone and move on but how do you do that? I know that I have taken steps in my life to move on but how do you let go of your husband, your best friend....your other half? HOW? I know that packing up his clothes will be a good step so that is a goal for me in the next week, to pack up his clothes. When I got new bookshelves I packed up his books as there was so point in putting them back on the new shelves. It was not so emotional but I somehow think that the clothes will be far more emotional. As for the pictures on the walls...not even close to being ready to take those down.

Thank you all for your prayers and support it is so much needed. Please pray for peace, for contentment, for willingness to move on to what the Lord has for me, for clarity, for a desire to know Jesus more & for his wisdom not my own. I just want to fall into His arms and let Him lead, I am so tired and don't even feel like trying to do anything anymore. I think that is actually a good place to be though.

Operation getting healthy...

On the exercise front...

So this week I got my tooth pulled on Tuesday and therefore I was not able to work out on Wednesday or Thursday. But I did work out Monday, Tuesday, Friday & Saturday. So I got 4 miles in this week and added more reps to all the strength training. I am not hurting that bad (other than my behind...ha ha) with adding the reps so I will add more this coming week. I feel that I am doing a good job at keeping up with exercising and not giving up. I used to hurt real bad one day because I overdid it and then I would just stop because I didn't want to hurt that bad. So now I am taking it slow and steady as to not overdo it and quit without any results.

I am still getting up at 4:30am and working out before I go to work. I am trying to eat healthy and for the most part I do but sometimes I eat a larger portion than I should. I have kept away from the chocolate other than nutella which is so good!! Please keep praying for strength to wake up this early and make it through my day, for strength to make the right food choices and for safety as I exercise.

On the emotional front...

Wednesday was my 3 year wedding anniversary and I still can't believe that Jimmy was not here to celebrate that with me. I did make it through the day and that is another "first" that is over with...Thank God!! I think I was able to let go of Jimmy a little bit more...not that I want to I just know that I have to. I did change my relationship status on facebook which was one of my goals and that was very hard but I wanted to make sure to keep with my goal or I knew I would never do it. I feel that I am letting him go as my husband at this point. This is hard but it part of the process of grieving. Please keep me in your prayers that I continue to let go of him but not his memory. That I go through this grieving process in a healthy manor.

On the Spiritual front...

I am reading the Bible everyday still and praying more. I could do better on each of these fronts so please keep praying that I will take the time to pray each and every day and to study His word each day as well. I would also like to ask for prayer in knowing what the Lord has for me for the next step in my life. I am sensing that He might not want me to stay in Houston long term but I don't know where He is leading so please pray for clarity and peace about where He would have me to go. I am also thinking about going back to school for my masters in Social Work to ultimately be a therapist please keep this in your prayers as well, which school to go to and also the money to get the education.

On the Creative front...

Today I turned a regular notebook into a Scripture memory verse notebook that looks pretty. I made this for a friend to encourage them to memorize Scripture. I also came up with an idea for another prayer journal that I will also give to another friend. I am not pushing the card making right now but I do have a goal set for this if I do not feel like it before and that goal is after I get back from my vacation in July. I think that maybe what I will do is make Jimmy a birthday card when I get back from vacation...the last card I made was for his casket and I have had a very hard time making them again so maybe if I make one for his birthday it will be full circle and with over a year past it will be less painful. Praying for the healing in that area in order for me to be able to create cards again!  

3 Years of Marriage

Since I am not legally married anymore I guess that today isn't really my wedding anniversary, however my heart is still married.

{The heart is a funny thing...it does not pay attention to the law.}

How can it be that I am not really married but my heart is still married? Will my heart always be married? Will I ever be able to let go of the past in order to move on with the future? I am sure that one day I will be able to move onto the future and not focus on the past, I just pray that it happens soon.

Today I am going out to lunch with a friend, then to the grave and then back home to watch our wedding video. I feel that watching the video will help me to remember my wonderful husband but also to put our marriage into the past for me. This might sound harsh to some of you, but the reality is that he is no longer my husband. I will see him again but even in Heaven he will not be my husband, Jesus will take that role in my life once I am in Heaven not Jimmy.

Our First Anniversary 

I want to take the time to celebrate the wonderful husband that Jimmy was. He loved me without conditions...no matter what he loved me. I once told him that every time we hung up the phone I wanted to say "I love you"  because it could be the last time we hear it from the other one as you never know when the Lord will call you home. As Jimmy was being wheeled to the OR the day he was called home his last words were "I love you."  I believe that he knew it would be the last time I heard it and made sure that it was the last thing that he said to me.

He was so caring and a great protector. He always cared more about my feelings than he did his own. He would ask me if I felt loved all the time as he knew that when I felt loved that in turn I knew that he was taking care of me. I had to go to the dentist yesterday and get a tooth pulled and I realized this morning that Jimmy would have stayed home today with me not just because it is our anniversary but also because he would want to take care of me in my time of need. Every time I had a migraine he would make me go to bed and then he would get me everything that I needed. He would not let me get up for anything other than to use the restroom. He was so amazing.

He was a hero in my eyes! He would have done anything and everything that I needed and most of what I wanted also ;) He went to work every day no matter how much pain he was in. Even though he dealt with pain on a daily basis due to crohn's disease, he always had a smile on his face. Even when he was in the hospital with huge amounts of pain he would always say..."but God is good!!" How amazing that he could see the greatness of God no matter what. He was my hero for sure.

Jimmy made me a better me! He helped me to let go of fears, to let go of qualities that are not of God, to see people how the Lord sees them, to love without conditions, to love God more than any human being (still learning this one)...the list goes on. He only wanted the best for me and did not settle for good but made sure that I strived for great. He truly brought out the best in me and I am so thankful for him and for the fact that he helped me to become a better person.

My Best Friend

Thank you Lord for the 2 years of marriage to such an amazing man, thank you for the 3 1/2 years that I had with him, thank you for allowing me the privilege to have such an amazing hero in my life and for giving him to me to care for and to have as a best friend!! God you are so amazing!!

Our Second Anniversary

 

Ten Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

Psalm 23:3

He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

As I listened to my iPod on the way home last night I heard the song"When God Made You" which is the song that Jimmy and I danced to at our wedding. I was flooded with memories of our wedding and that dance. I can remember the way that he looked at me as I walked down the aisle to him, I can remember the smile on his face as we danced, I can remember the look in his eyes as we talked for the first time that day...the list goes on. If I had heard that song a month ago and all of these memories flashed before me I would have had a complete meltdown.

When I heard it yesterday I was filled with love and joy. I had been told that one day I would be able to remember Jimmy without all the pain of that dreadful day at the hospital. It looks like that is starting to happen. As I remembered our wedding day I was filled with the joy that I felt on that day, of course it is a bit different now that Jimmy is not physically here with me. However his love is and always will be in my heart. Due to this love I am able to feel the joy that I felt on that very day.

I am amazed and overwhelmed at how the Lord restores my heart and soul. I never thought that I would be able to think about Jimmy or our life together without feeling very deep pain...but here I am feeling the love and joy that I felt on our wedding day what a huge blessing. And to think it only took ten months! I thought that the pain would be my life forevermore, however God knows what is best for me and He chose to start to heal my heart. He is such an amazing God!!

Today as I remember my wonderful husband I am filled with joy, love, admiration and also with some hurt & pain. I am so thankful that I am able to draw close to God and that He will just open up His arms and let me rest in Him. What a great God we serve!!!

I do understand that I will still have meltdowns from time to time, all the pain is not gone, that my heart is not fully healed yet, that I will have times where I don't feel the love and joy however I know that this is getting to be less and less. I am so thankful to God for His healing, for His mighty love for me, for His understanding, for never leaving me or forsaking me!! I was so angry that He took Jimmy yet He loves me no matter what!

Please keep praying for Him to heal my heart, for Him to draw me closer to Himself, for me to rely on Him and not my feelings, for me to be healthy and for a desire to be healthy & for Him to guard my heart. I know He is hearing your prayers and I thank each and every one of you that have been and are praying for me. Each one of you holds a special place in my heart!

Longings on Mother's Day

I had no idea that Mother's Day would hit me so hard this year. I guess this comes from the grief of the loss of our future. Jimmy and I were planning on having children but we were having problems in that area of our life. I believe that God gave us both a desire in our hearts to adopt even before marriage because He knew what we both would deal with in our married life.

It has been my hearts to desire to be a mother for as long as I can remember, I am now seeking for the Lord to give me the desires HE has for me only. If He wants me to be a mother then He will make that happen, I just need to step back and let HIM do that. I guess what scares me is that being a mom just might not be what He wants for me.

How can this desire that I have had since childhood not be what the future holds for me? Why did I ever have that desire in the first place? Did I put that in my heart due to media and what others showed me was "right" for a little girl? Did I long to be a mother just in order to be loved unconditionally and to love unconditionally? These are questions that I need to seek the Lord about and ask for His wisdom because I know I can't trust my own feelings and heart right now. Please join me in prayer as I seek what the Lord has for me in this area of my life.

Waves of Grief

Now that I am almost ten months past Jimmy's exit to Heaven I am seeing how grief is like the waves of the ocean.

Have you been in the ocean when the water is really rough and there are a lot of waves? As the wave hits you, you are taken under and you can either struggle against the wave or you can let it take you out knowing that it will let you up again at some point. When you get hit by one sometimes you are able to stand up before the next one hits you but then other times you are not even able to stand before the next one hits you. In the beginning of the grief process the waves of grief come at you hard knocking you down just as hard. There are times when you don't have even one second to "pull yourself together" before the next wave hits even harder. Then there are times when you have a few hours or even days before the next hard wave hits. As each waves hits you it takes you under as if trying to keep you down. You start to believe that this will be your reality for the rest of your life, the life being taken out of you by each wave.

As time goes on the waves of grief seem to be more like water that could be called moderate when the waves come but not as hard or as often. You will be taken down by the waves however they will not keep you down for near as long and they will not be quite so frightening. Since they are not coming as often you have time to stand up in between the waves. The grief comes over you at times that sometimes you expect and others you don't expect. During this time it comes over you on days that were special to you and your loved one like anniversaries, holidays and so on. Then there are times when it comes at very unexpected times such as when you remember a great memory with them, or you smell their "smell" unexpectedly. At least now you have time to catch your breath before the next waves takes you under.

As you come to a point where you are even further away from the day you lost your loved one the waves of grief seem to get even further apart and much less strong. You always have time to pull yourself together and catch your breath in between the waves. Most of the time the waves hit at times when you don't expect them and you are taken by surprise but at this point you know it will not last forever as you felt in the past. You seem to have more good days than bad ones, and even start to think that maybe just maybe your life will be good again. But as the waves of the ocean are always coming you know that your grief has not come to an end, you are just learning to cope with it in a much better way.

There will come a day when you look back and think wow I have not been taken down by a wave in a long time. (I personally am not at this stage yet however I know it will come one day) The waves no longer knock you down each time they come and they come less and less. At times you can even stand while the waves comes upon you which makes catching your breath that much easier. You have far more good days than bad and start to live out the life in which God created you for, the life that you thought would never be good again. At this point you might only cry once a year when the anniversary of your loved ones departure from this earth comes around again.

You see the waves of the ocean are a great analogy for the grief process, they never stop and God is in full control of the waves. Even though grief gets easier it will never go away fully. You will always love the person you lost and there will always be a place in your heart for that person therefore the grief will not go away it will just get less and less as the waves in the ocean clam when God clams them. Time does not heal your wounds, time just makes it easier to not think about that awful day ever time you close your eyes. Nothing here on earth will every heal any of your wounds, it is ONLY God who can and will heal your wounds if you let Him. God will pick up the pieces of your heart and put them back together in His time, but He will never force that healing onto anyone. You have to be a willing participate in this healing. God is right there holding out His hand asking you to reach out to Him and let Him be in control of your life. He wants to hold you through this awful pain but you have to seek Him.

So the choice is...stay in your pain, turn to a person here on earth that will one day leave you also, turn to chemicals to help you cope with the pain...turn away from God. OR turn to God and let Him, the healer of all healers, put your heart back together. Will there still be scars on your heart from where it was put back together...yes. But those scars will give you the unique ability to help others through the pain when their heart is broken also. How beautiful is that!!

Moving on...one step at a time

As I watched Grey's Anatomy from this week it was an entire episode about letting go and moving on. I think in a sense I have been "stuck" in my grief. I just want to feel bad, I want everyone to feel bad with me, I don't want to let him go. I have felt like moving on is a way of dishonoring him. This view is starting to change though. I know that nothing will ever take away the relationship or the love that Jimmy and I shared. I am realizing that not only will that never be able to be taken away from me but also that it was a huge gift from God! Jimmy loved me in such a way that most women never see in their life. I am so blessed to have been able to have such an amazing husband and also such an amazing love.

I feel that the Lord is showing me ways in which I can move and a little at a time. As I cleaned the bathroom this weekend I realized that I had not really moved any of my "things" to Jimmy's side of the sink. I had already taken Jimmy's "things" off of the counter but I had left it left with only the things such as tissues and paper towels that we both used. So as I cleaned the counter off I made sure to move my "things" to both sides. It was very strange to dry my hair on "his" side of the sink. It is even weird to put anything on that side of the sink. But I did it and my life in not over, I didn't even cry (that was a huge surprise) HE gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding.

I went to use the grill this weekend also and was not able to use it. I opened it up and cleaned out the old ashes and noticed a hole in the bottom of the grill and I thought to myself "I need to get a new grill this year." Then once I started to put the charcoal into the grill the bottom fell out. This was the grill that Jimmy and I got before we got married in which he made many, many fires in. He loved to start the fire and he even tried to cook on the grill. Oh how he loved the food that we cooked on the grill. Now I will need to start a new season with a new grill.

My phone was acting up, it would drop calls all the time, the battery would not really keep a charge and it was time to upgrade anyway. So I went to the mall into the apple store to see what iPhone I could get at a discounted price. So I broke down and get the iPhone...I even got the newest one because I can speak to it and it will write my text message, my email and so on. This also made me cancel the home phone since I had to add the data plan to the cell phone. I can just see Jimmy now shaking his head at me, when we talked about him getting an iPhone it just did not work financially. The hard part is that I had to give up the last texts that Jimmy sent to me in the old phone :( But as I use the new phone everything is ok. I have not even cried about it yet. Thank the Lord that HE gave me the peace while using the new phone.

In all this has been a very productive weekend, not only going to the eye doctor and the primary care doctor but also making huge steps in moving on. I am so thankful to the Lord for helping me to see all of this in a different light. Instead of seeing this as something awful that I will never get past HE is giving me a perspective of seeing my marriage as a precious gift HE gave me for 2 years & 45 days. There is a reason that God took Jimmy from this earth, even if I can't see or understand that reason I am resting in the fact that He is God and I am NOT! He is in control and I am not and never will be. This life is HIS and I want to serve Him in every way that I can. If I had to go through this pain in order to fulfill His purpose in my life then so be it. Does it make the pain go away for good...no! Will there be times when the grief overwhelms me again...yes! But I know that He is God and I am not...He will work all of this together for my good NO MATTER WHAT! He is changing me in so many ways that would not have been possible if I had not gone through this pain and for that I am very thankful.  

9 Months down and a lifetime to go...

       WOW...I can't believe it has been 9 months! I know that to most this seems like a long time. I understand that mostly everyone else is over grieving for my wonderful husband. I know that there are people out there that "know" that I am done grieving. Well I promise you I am NOT done grieving, I am not sure I ever will be fully over this. There are certain things that I will "get over" then there are other things that will never be the same.

       As for the things that I will someday "get over" that has started to happen. It is becoming easier to go to bed without him beside me, I have started to cry less often, I have started to be able to pack up his belongings, I have been able to paint the bedrooms, I have been able to change some things on what was our bedroom & I have been able to think about memories and not just cry due to sadness and anger. The last thing that I stated is the biggest accomplishment I think. In the past 9 months I could not even think about memories of Jimmy without having a complete breakdown.

       In the past month I have been able to think of some memories that are so precious now. Thank you Lord for healing me enough to think about him without having a breakdown. There was a day that Jimmy and I went to the grocery store for ice cream and of course I wanted to use a coupon so we were looking at only the ones that I had a coupon for. Jimmy picked up a box of ice cream bars and said look we have to get this one...it has $12 worth of coupons inside the box. I was so touched by the fact that he was so excited about coupons, almost as much as me. I thought about this today and it made me smile instead of cry. It warms my heart to be able to remember him and even talk about him without crying.

       As for the things that I might never get over, that is something that I am just going to have to deal with. I will always miss my husband, there will always be a place in my heart for him, I will never forget his love for me, there will always be some amount of pain at the fact that we did not get to have our future together. As much as I am happy for the little things that a becoming easier it is hard to go on without him.

       I am so thankful that I can now remember him without a total meltdown, Praise God! Lord, you are starting to heal my heart. You are amazing God!

April 13th...

            Today marks 2years ago that Jimmy had is appendix out.  It also marks one year since Jimmy starting having pain where he later ended up in the hospital for a crohn's flair up. When he was admitted to the hospital on April 15, 2011 I said to him joking...I don't want to see what happens next April 13th. I can't believe that this is where I am now. In one year my life has changed so much, marital status, my job status, all of my relationships...everything.

            As I look back on the statement that I made to him...I don't want to see what happens next April 13th...I am a bit overwhelmed. The life I have now is so different than what my life looked like a year ago. I never would have said something like that even joking if I had known what was going to happen. I know that he knew I loved him no matter if we were in the hospital or not, but I would have just said I love you instead of joking about what could happen the next year.

            I don't think that this has anything to do with the fact that he is gone, I don't regret any of our time together at all, but there are some things that I wish were done different. We had thought about not taking a honeymoon until our 10 year anniversary I am so thankful we went 6 months after instead. There are things like this that did happen during our marriage that I am very grateful for. We had a great one year anniversary celebration with friends and family and we even got to go on a trip as well. God really knew what He was doing and I praise Him for what He gave me in my marriage.

            Jimmy told me each and every day just how much he loved me, they were even the last words out of his mouth. What more can I ask for in a husband? He was truly the best husband in the world for me and I thank God for everything Jimmy was to me. He made me a better person just by loving me unconditionally, and the love he had for the Lord. Thank you Lord for giving me such a precious gift.

   

Reflecting on the last year

As I reflect on how my life was a year ago and I am so overwhelmed. How can someone's life change so much in one year! How can you go from being happy, healthy, part of a great church, married, in love, hopeful of a future, being a stay at home wife...to the next year all of that is just gone? How does that even happen? How is it that God sees fit to wipe all of that out of a person's life?

There are times that I feel like he gives just so he can take away...before any of you try to give me Scripture that says otherwise just try to put yourself in my shoes. Jimmy was diagnosed with Crohn's disease in Feb, the same day they cut my hours really bad at work. My job was taken away pretty much in February...yes this made it possible for me to stay at home more and I was very thankful for that as well, especially in hind sight. Then Jimmy and I started a photography business, in which Jimmy was the brains of and now is no longer going to be in existence. My husband was taken in July, his family to follow, and my church family to follow that. Yes in this time the LORD did give me a new job to support myself and to help me heal, friends that have been there through thick and thin...but I feel like way more has been taken at this point.

It is hard to look back on the past year and not be upset. I know that my status here on Earth is not dependant on my marital status, my career or the family that I am a part of. I know that no matter what is taken away from me here on Earth my status in Heaven does not change. I am the daughter of the King of Kings no matter if I am a wife, mother, sister or business woman. Sometimes it is hard to remember that I am HIS no matter what is lost here in this world. I need all of you in my life to help me get through this huge trial in my life. I want to thank each of you for your prayers, love and support. I am blessed to have each of you in my life.

Week 2 getting healthy...

The exercise thing...

I vacuumed the entire house in 45-60min, I took a 2mile walk outside (it felt great), washed the car. The car washing brought up memories of Jimmy and I doing this task together and I was actually able to smile at the memories, thank God for that! The car could use being washed again because I missed some spots but I will get to that next weekend again, this saves money by not going to a car wash...by not going somewhere to tan...and also gives me exercise...I call that win, win, win!!!

Food this week...

I think I did pretty well but I have been craving sweets far too much so I did "cheat" so to speak.  I have been eating a lot of Mediterranean food and love it...tastes good and good for you!

On the creative side of things...

I have been trying to find a way in which I want to be creative again since it has been hard for me to make cards and take pictures. So I was thinking that I have not drawn since I was in high school or maybe college (the early years ;). I am going to try to draw one of the pictures I have of Max that I just love. So I went to Hobby Lobby to get some colored pencils and oh my was I shocked at the prices they want. So I went onto Amazon and found the same thing for more than half the price...so I ordered them!! I can't wait to get started on a picture of my wonderful "son". I will keep you updated on my progress :)

On the Spiritual side of things...

I have been reading the Bible daily, and writing in my prayer journal most days. I am starting to seek the LORD again on a daily basis and I know it is helping in my everyday life. Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. They are so much needed at this time. Please keep praying for my motivation in all areas of my life, for my creativity to come back in whatever form the LORD wants, for me to walk the path the HE has for me and seek HIM in all that I do. I am so blessed to be able to call each of your friend, thank you for sticking by me as I walk through this difficult journey.

8 Months down and a lifetime to go...

 

To be honest I can't even believe it has been 8 months. I guess it is getting easier for me to get through each day, but there are days when I can remember just how happy we were and it starts a meltdown. He was the best husband in the world...and now even 8 months later, I would marry him all over again if I knew this would be the outcome. Through his love, encouragement, patience, easy going spirit, fun loving nature & leadership he helped to make me who I am today.

I am so thankful that I was able to know my wonderful husband for the 3 1/2 years that I did, he made me a better me! I am starting to be able to remember him and it not cause me so much pain. Now instead of feeling like someone stabbed me in the heart when I remember it just feels like someone punched me in the gut...I know this might sound harsh to some of you but that is the truth. The other day I was going through some things in my guest room and found the cards that Jimmy had given to me, there was some joy in remember who my husband was but also a lot of pain in the reality that he is not ever coming back.

I miss him every single day, I am not really sure if/when that will change. Our lives were so intertwined that I can't go a day without missing him. At least there are days when I can think about him and smile instead of cry or get angry. Thank God I am not so angry anymore...I am waiting for it to come back and bite me again though. I know that I will NOT work through the stages of grief in a pretty step by step package...it will come and go, the stages will come and go until one day I look back and think wow it has been a month since I cried.

I still want my husband back, I still feel married, I still love him very much...I am just starting to wrap my brain around the fact that he will never be back here again, that I am not married, and that he will still love me no matter where he is. Oh to hear one more time "you are the best wife in the world" or "I love you"...or to be held by him one more time...or to wake up and see all the dished put away...oh to have my spell checker back...oh to have my life back.

Lord help me to make it through each day by your grace, help me to become more like you through this grief process, help me to see the next step you have for me, please heal this broken heart, give me the strength to get through each day as I trust in you.

Forgetting...

I was trying to put the second bedroom back together after painting I came across the cards that Jimmy had given to me in the 3 1/2 years he knew me. I knew that I had them but had not really taken the time to find them because I did not think that I could deal with reading them yet. So when I found them as I was organizing I am not really sure why I took the time to read them but I did nonetheless. As I read them I cried more than I have in at least 2 weeks.

I got to the point that I just could not stop the tears. As I read these cards I was reminded of just how loving and caring my husband was. He was such an amazing person, he never ever focused on a person's faults and that is a quality that most people do not have. It was very hard to read these cards but I am glad that I did just to be able to almost hear him saying these words to me was good.

As I talked to someone about the whole thing I realized that what made this so very hard is the fact that I am starting to forget little things about Jimmy. He told me each and every day that I am the best wife in the world (sometimes he would say universe) and as much as I would love to hear that again I know I never will from Jimmy. The problem is I am forgetting just how loving he was, and how sweet he was to me...these are things I thought I would never forget. However it has started to be in the back of my mind.

I think that reading those cards was easier than the realization that I am starting to forget him. I know that this is something that will happen that it is "normal" but I don't want it to happen. I am starting to realize that I am redefining my new "normal" and that hurts me just as much as reading the cards and being reminded of how wonderful he was. I really don't want a new "normal" I want my old normal back! I want to have Jimmy come home to me each day after work, to spend each Saturday with me, to be silly with me until I ask him to stop...the list goes on.

How do you redefine your "normal" without your best friend, the one you spend every day with? It is so hard to make the new "normal" but it is also very hard to forget your loved one. I know that I will never fully forget him and that I don't have to forget him ever but it is part of the process of being the one that is left behind...you forget certain things, and it is very difficult.

Oh how I wish I could hear his voice again, how I wish he would walk through the front door again, how I wish he would hold me again...it is so hard to forget all of this.

Lord, I ask that you give me the grace to walk though this, the patience to deal with myself as I go through the stages of grief, the desire to grow in your Word and the desires of your heart for me. Lord, help me to seek you in all that I do. Help me to see others in the way that you see them.

March is here!!!

I came to a realization yesterday...February is OVER!!! Praise God that I lived through the hardest month of grief so far!! It is a relief for March to come this year. February was a very emotionally draining month for me, I am looking forward to this month not being as emotionally draining. On Saturday a friend came over and helped me paint the two bedrooms in my house...Thank God for friends!! Both of the bedrooms look so much different and I love them both now. They are rearranged and have new bedding...I will post pictures as soon as I get everything back into place :)  

Please keep praying that the LORD continue to give me His peace through this awful time of grief for me. Also that He would put the desires into my heart that He has for me and that I would follow His will through those desires. I want to thank you all for your constant love, prayer & support I can't even begin to explain how much each one of you means to me. I know that there are days it is as if I am floating around on your prayers...thank you so much as they are very much needed!!

Leap day...oh how I am glad you only come every 4 years!!

As I reflect on this day 4 years ago I am overwhelmed with feelings. I am sad without a doubt, as Jimmy and I met 4 years ago today. It is very hard to deal with the fact that he is not here to celebrate this day with me as we were trying to plan something special for this day. Yet today I feel a sense of with the plan that God has given to me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God had me meet Jimmy  in 2008 and marry him the following year. He brought so much joy to my life, so much laughter, so much encouragement and the list goes on.

He balanced me in so many ways some of which I didn't even know needed to be balanced. With Jimmy there were no misspelled words, the checkbook was always balanced, trips were planned very early, the clothes were always put away, there was less clutter in the house, the paperwork was always done...oh how I miss those things. He really was the best husband in the world for me, what a joy to be loved so completely by someone. He knew me better than anyone and completed me in so many ways.

Today I reflect on how much of a blessing he was to me. If God would have told me that Jimmy would be gone just two years and forty-five days after we became one I still would have married him. I have a peace about not having Jimmy here now. It does not take away the pain, it does not make me happy that he is gone, it does not change the fact that I am still grieving, it simply makes all of these things easier to go through. God does not promise to take away our pain or trial he simply promises that he will be right there with you and walk through it with you.

I am the type of person that has to have some sort of deadline in order for me to actually do something. I set a deadline for myself that today I would either change my relationship status on facebook or I would take my rings off. So to meet this deadline I took my rings off, I did not feel ready for my relationship status to change. As of now my rings have not been on for about nine hours and I have not had one panic attack, the world has not ended, I do not feel super stressed about not having them on either but my finger sure does feel naked. This does not change the fact that I still FEEL married, but it is one tiny step in moving to the next stage in my life.

Please keep praying for peace to come, for the depression to subside, for a desire in me to honor God through all that I do, for my fears to subside & for me to have hope for my future again. I want to thank each one of you that read this and pray for me and support me no matter what. I love you and am very thankful for each of you.

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

Blessed are you, as you weep on your knees with perfume and tears washing over My feet

Blessed are you, beggar, hopeless and blind calling for mercy when I’m passing by

Blessed are you, shaking your head at two tiny fish and some bread

Blessed are you as you tremble and wait for the first stone thrown at your sinful disgrace

Tell me your story, show me your wounds

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you

Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

Blessed are you, walking on waves to find yourself sinking when you look away

Blessed are you, leper, standing alone, the fear on their faces, is all that you’ve known

Blessed are you, lonely widow who gave your last shiny coin to Yahweh

Blessed are you with your silver and lies, kissing the One who’s saving your life

Tell me your story, show me your wounds

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love looks at you

Hand me the pieces, broken and bruised

And I’ll show you what Love sees when Love sees you

I see what I made in your mother's womb

I see the day I fell in love with you.

I see your tomorrows, nothing left to chance

I see My Father's fingerprints

I see your story, I see My name

Written on every beautiful page

You see the struggle, you see the shame

I see the reason I came

I came for your story, I came for your wounds

To show you what Love sees when I see you

I had heard this song more than once on the album "music inspired by the Story" but there is a difference is hearing and really listening to the words. Jesus sees our lives from the moment we are conceived in our mother's womb all the way to the day we enter Heaven and leave this life. He uses each trial, struggle, joy, blessing in our lives to make us who we are. He does not always take the trial or pain away however He does use it to make us more like Him. He might take away a blessing or a joy and this does not mean that He is punishing us just that He needed to take it away in order for us to fully understand our need for Him and how much He loves us. The song says that Jesus came for my story and my wounds...He understands what I am going through and all the feelings and pain that go with it. He understands that I will be angry, that I will be depressed, that I will feel like my life can't go on, that I feel so very alone without Jimmy, that I don't feel like myself anymore...the list goes on and on. I am very thankful that the LORD understands my feelings and my anger. There are times that I think about what will be next...what will the LORD take away from me this time? Sometimes I forget that the blessings that I ever had were given to me from Him in the first place. He did fill my cup but He also let the cup spill. All I can do is let the LORD use this all for what HE wants to accomplish in my life. LORD thank you for showing me that you can and will use everything that happens to me to make me more like you.

7 Months down & a lifetime to go...

Today marks 7 months without the love of my life. Yesterday was the first Valentine's day without him also...as I started this month thinking about these two days being in the same week I was so overwhelmed I could not think straight. As I woke up yesterday I had a complete meltdown, then another meltdown on the way to work, yet another meltdown while I was at work, I left work an hour early because I could not pretend to be happy anymore this led me to my husband's grave. As I stood there my thought was...really what 32 year old "celebrates" valentine's day standing at a grave?

I went and bought the brightest flowers I could find at the store as I laid them next to his name on the tombstone something just clicked inside of me. I was standing over what remains of my husband on this earth...never thought that would give me so much comfort. So many times I have been told that Jimmy is in heaven or that I will see him again some would think that this would be of comfort for me however it just makes me even more angry.

You see this all implies that Jimmy IS alive just not with me here on earth. While I know this IS the TRUTH it is not what comforts me at this time. He is alive but he is not with me where I really want him to be. Yes this is my flesh talking I do know that...but I am human. What did comfort me yesterday was that the part of Jimmy that remains here on this earth is exactly not what  I want right now. This helps the longing to be in Heaven right now subside. Yesterday I was given a peace that only God can give. Even though it came in a way that most people would not expect. I thank the Lord for this comfort.

Today as I woke up I had this feeling that I really did not want to go to work today. I now know that this was just an attack of satan. I planned to go eat dinner at one of the homes at my work place. It had been scheduled since last week and when I woke up this morning I just feel overwhelmed by the fact that I "had" to go do this tonight. I just felt this need to back out. I am very thankful that I chose to go to work today. When one of the guys that I teach saw me he said (with a ton of excitement) "you are eating dinner at my house tonight." How can you not want to go when this is how you are greeted first thing in the morning?

While I was at their home I was shown every person's room, the chickens outside and the love of Christ. These men welcomed me with open arms, they did not care what I looked like, what kind of shoes I had on, if I had makeup on, if I said everything perfect and so on. They just loved me due to the fact that I wanted to spend time with them in their home. How sweet is the love of these wonderful men who showed me the love of Jesus through their actions. I am blessed to be working where I am, thank you LORD!!!  So while it was a hard day for me it was so good to see God's love for me through the wonderful men.