What a sad & emotional day...

Today my wonderful husband would have turned 35, I am sure this number does not mean anything in Heaven. To me this means that there is one more birthday without him, a day to celebrate the life he so fully lived here, a day where tears flow freely, a day where the cycle of grief overwhelms me again & a day that I am grateful to "check" off the calendar. It is very hard to remember him now, hard to remember the "little" things he did to make me love him, the wonderful smile he had, the way he would love to annoy me (I am thankful that he did annoy me because that was a way for him to show his love), the toothbrush left on the counter with the toothpaste to match in the sink, the way he loved our "son" I mean cat ;)....there is so much I am forgetting!!

There are times when I see other people's pictures and it makes me sick to my stomach. What comes to my mind is..."why does this person get to have their husband and their kid(s)?" "why do I not get the 'dream'?" "why not me Lord?" I have gotten to the point that I don't even look at most people's pictures on facebook anymore due to the fact that it starts a whole emotional rollercoaster for me. It seems so unfair that they get to have what I always wanted and I am "stuck" with being a widow...for real WHY Lord? I know it isn't for me to question...but I do!

It is so hard to go through a day like today and not question what is going on in my life. How can such an amazing man of God be taken away so suddenly like that? Why not a husband who beat his wife? Why not a man who did drugs? Why not a man who was drinking while driving? Why not anyone else other than MY husband? This questioning gets me nowhere though. It just leads me down a road that is a dead end. Because I am not meant to know the answer to any of my questions at least for the time being if not until I am in Heaven with the Lord and Jimmy.

I am learning that I need to be content right where I am even though it is not  the path I would have chosen for my life. God is still good, He is still with me no matter if I think about turning my back on him or not, the Lord loves me no matter what, He loves me more than anyone (including Jimmy) ever could! However it is still a conscious choice to turn to Him, love Him, follow Him & trust Him every day!! We all have this choice, there are times that we chose to go our own way instead though. I have found that His yoke really is easy and His burden is light. All we have to do is choose to follow Him and trust Him not ourselves!   

One year down and a lifetime to go...

I really can't believe it has been a year without the love of my life. I remember thinking that this day would never come. Yet here it is July 15, 2012...I feel a bit speechless. On one hand I just want this day to be done and over with on the other hand I am sitting on the beach looking out at the water thinking I need to enjoy this as much as possible.

at 7am I was woken up to no power in my room therefore I was sweating when I woke up...I look at this as God's way of telling me to not sit and wallow in my room all day long. So I came out to the beach to write this long awaited blog post. I feel a sense of calm and peace as I sit here alone with the beautiful wind blowing against me & the smell of the salt water in the air. Thank you Lord for this peace!

As I was driven to this resort I could not help but think that Jimmy would have loved the adventure of the hour long drive over bumpy roads all while dodging bikers, horses and the occasional oncoming bus. He would have seen this as fun, I saw this as miserable due to my motion sickness but I tried to make the best of it by talking to the guy sitting next to me that worked for the travel company.  This is also something Jimmy would have done...talk to anyone and everyone. I find myself doing that more and more, talking to strangers. I am gaining the love of others that he had and I am very thankful for that. Again I praise God for changing my character as there is much to be changed in me.

On Friday I went to a memorial lunch in honor of Jimmy it was so hard for me to go however I think it was good for me to be able to talk to people that could reminisce about who he was with me.  This lunch was at his workplace which is connected to the hospital where he died. I can't even explain the hurt in my heart when I saw that hospital again. As I drove there I had 2-3 small panic attacks and cried almost the entire way in the pouring down rain. I am blessed that I made it alive...praise God again He has kept me safe this year!!

I think that today is not going to be as bad as Friday was as that day felt more like the one year anniversary as he died on a Friday. I am going to make the most of this trip and honor Jimmy by going outside of my character a little bit and being adventurous. We will see what I translate that to...maybe just taking some of the classes offered here, maybe finding some kind of tour I can go on or maybe skydiving...ha ha.  We shall see.

Please be praying that I do whatever the Lord has for me, I change whatever I need to in order to become more like HIM, that I deal with anything that the Lord wants me to deal with and that my heart is put back together by HIM and HIM alone. Pray that I let HIM guide my next step onto whatever HE has for me. I want to be in HIS will not my own.

Operation getting healthy...

On the exercise front...

For the past 2 weeks I have been walking 2 miles each morning other than the day that I went to Zumba after work. So in two weeks I have walked 18 miles and went to Zumba two times. I am finally starting to feel like I have more energy and I am also sleeping better...Praise God!

As for the number I have only lost 2 lbs in this two weeks. This is so very frustrating and makes me want to not keep up with the getting healthy. Please keep my motivation in your prayers as it is so hard to keep it up when the results are not really showing.

On the emotional front...

I have been having a bit of a hard time with my emotions lately. As the one year anniversary creeps up I am getting more and more emotional. I am sure this is normal but it is hard to deal with for sure. I am not having as many melt downs as the first few months but I have had a few, but mostly I am very easily irritated. I find myself getting upset about little things that I would normally not faze me at all.  

On the Spiritual front...

I have been reading the Bible on a regular basis and praying far more than before. I know this is helping me and I wish to continue for sure. Please keep this is your prayers...my desire to know the Lord more.

On the Creative front...

Nothing to report at this time. :(

Other comments...

I have been looking into grad school...it is very expensive and I need to really seek the Lord's will on this. Please keep this in your prayers as well :)

11 Months down & a lifetime to go...

As I reflect on the fact that Jimmy has been in heaven for 11 months I am pretty much speechless. I really can't believe that it has already been 11 months. How did the time pass so fast? Sometimes it seems like it was yesterday that he was here with me then others it seems like it has already been years without him. I am starting to come to the place of acceptance but I also find myself fighting the acceptance. In my head I know that Jimmy will never come back but in my heart I want to fight that with every ounce of my strength.

It is a struggle that I deal with every day these days. How do you accept that your spouse is not coming back? How do you deal with the fact that he will never come home from work again, that he will never say "I love you" again, that he will never hold you again, that he will never be there to talk to again, that he will never be at the other end of the phone again...and so on? All of the everyday things that used to go on will never go on with him again. This is so hard to accept!

I think that I am starting to feel like it is time to accept that he is gone and move on but how do you do that? I know that I have taken steps in my life to move on but how do you let go of your husband, your best friend....your other half? HOW? I know that packing up his clothes will be a good step so that is a goal for me in the next week, to pack up his clothes. When I got new bookshelves I packed up his books as there was so point in putting them back on the new shelves. It was not so emotional but I somehow think that the clothes will be far more emotional. As for the pictures on the walls...not even close to being ready to take those down.

Thank you all for your prayers and support it is so much needed. Please pray for peace, for contentment, for willingness to move on to what the Lord has for me, for clarity, for a desire to know Jesus more & for his wisdom not my own. I just want to fall into His arms and let Him lead, I am so tired and don't even feel like trying to do anything anymore. I think that is actually a good place to be though.

3 Years of Marriage

Since I am not legally married anymore I guess that today isn't really my wedding anniversary, however my heart is still married.

{The heart is a funny thing...it does not pay attention to the law.}

How can it be that I am not really married but my heart is still married? Will my heart always be married? Will I ever be able to let go of the past in order to move on with the future? I am sure that one day I will be able to move onto the future and not focus on the past, I just pray that it happens soon.

Today I am going out to lunch with a friend, then to the grave and then back home to watch our wedding video. I feel that watching the video will help me to remember my wonderful husband but also to put our marriage into the past for me. This might sound harsh to some of you, but the reality is that he is no longer my husband. I will see him again but even in Heaven he will not be my husband, Jesus will take that role in my life once I am in Heaven not Jimmy.

Our First Anniversary 

I want to take the time to celebrate the wonderful husband that Jimmy was. He loved me without conditions...no matter what he loved me. I once told him that every time we hung up the phone I wanted to say "I love you"  because it could be the last time we hear it from the other one as you never know when the Lord will call you home. As Jimmy was being wheeled to the OR the day he was called home his last words were "I love you."  I believe that he knew it would be the last time I heard it and made sure that it was the last thing that he said to me.

He was so caring and a great protector. He always cared more about my feelings than he did his own. He would ask me if I felt loved all the time as he knew that when I felt loved that in turn I knew that he was taking care of me. I had to go to the dentist yesterday and get a tooth pulled and I realized this morning that Jimmy would have stayed home today with me not just because it is our anniversary but also because he would want to take care of me in my time of need. Every time I had a migraine he would make me go to bed and then he would get me everything that I needed. He would not let me get up for anything other than to use the restroom. He was so amazing.

He was a hero in my eyes! He would have done anything and everything that I needed and most of what I wanted also ;) He went to work every day no matter how much pain he was in. Even though he dealt with pain on a daily basis due to crohn's disease, he always had a smile on his face. Even when he was in the hospital with huge amounts of pain he would always say..."but God is good!!" How amazing that he could see the greatness of God no matter what. He was my hero for sure.

Jimmy made me a better me! He helped me to let go of fears, to let go of qualities that are not of God, to see people how the Lord sees them, to love without conditions, to love God more than any human being (still learning this one)...the list goes on. He only wanted the best for me and did not settle for good but made sure that I strived for great. He truly brought out the best in me and I am so thankful for him and for the fact that he helped me to become a better person.

My Best Friend

Thank you Lord for the 2 years of marriage to such an amazing man, thank you for the 3 1/2 years that I had with him, thank you for allowing me the privilege to have such an amazing hero in my life and for giving him to me to care for and to have as a best friend!! God you are so amazing!!

Our Second Anniversary

 

Ten Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

Psalm 23:3

He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

As I listened to my iPod on the way home last night I heard the song"When God Made You" which is the song that Jimmy and I danced to at our wedding. I was flooded with memories of our wedding and that dance. I can remember the way that he looked at me as I walked down the aisle to him, I can remember the smile on his face as we danced, I can remember the look in his eyes as we talked for the first time that day...the list goes on. If I had heard that song a month ago and all of these memories flashed before me I would have had a complete meltdown.

When I heard it yesterday I was filled with love and joy. I had been told that one day I would be able to remember Jimmy without all the pain of that dreadful day at the hospital. It looks like that is starting to happen. As I remembered our wedding day I was filled with the joy that I felt on that day, of course it is a bit different now that Jimmy is not physically here with me. However his love is and always will be in my heart. Due to this love I am able to feel the joy that I felt on that very day.

I am amazed and overwhelmed at how the Lord restores my heart and soul. I never thought that I would be able to think about Jimmy or our life together without feeling very deep pain...but here I am feeling the love and joy that I felt on our wedding day what a huge blessing. And to think it only took ten months! I thought that the pain would be my life forevermore, however God knows what is best for me and He chose to start to heal my heart. He is such an amazing God!!

Today as I remember my wonderful husband I am filled with joy, love, admiration and also with some hurt & pain. I am so thankful that I am able to draw close to God and that He will just open up His arms and let me rest in Him. What a great God we serve!!!

I do understand that I will still have meltdowns from time to time, all the pain is not gone, that my heart is not fully healed yet, that I will have times where I don't feel the love and joy however I know that this is getting to be less and less. I am so thankful to God for His healing, for His mighty love for me, for His understanding, for never leaving me or forsaking me!! I was so angry that He took Jimmy yet He loves me no matter what!

Please keep praying for Him to heal my heart, for Him to draw me closer to Himself, for me to rely on Him and not my feelings, for me to be healthy and for a desire to be healthy & for Him to guard my heart. I know He is hearing your prayers and I thank each and every one of you that have been and are praying for me. Each one of you holds a special place in my heart!

Waves of Grief

Now that I am almost ten months past Jimmy's exit to Heaven I am seeing how grief is like the waves of the ocean.

Have you been in the ocean when the water is really rough and there are a lot of waves? As the wave hits you, you are taken under and you can either struggle against the wave or you can let it take you out knowing that it will let you up again at some point. When you get hit by one sometimes you are able to stand up before the next one hits you but then other times you are not even able to stand before the next one hits you. In the beginning of the grief process the waves of grief come at you hard knocking you down just as hard. There are times when you don't have even one second to "pull yourself together" before the next wave hits even harder. Then there are times when you have a few hours or even days before the next hard wave hits. As each waves hits you it takes you under as if trying to keep you down. You start to believe that this will be your reality for the rest of your life, the life being taken out of you by each wave.

As time goes on the waves of grief seem to be more like water that could be called moderate when the waves come but not as hard or as often. You will be taken down by the waves however they will not keep you down for near as long and they will not be quite so frightening. Since they are not coming as often you have time to stand up in between the waves. The grief comes over you at times that sometimes you expect and others you don't expect. During this time it comes over you on days that were special to you and your loved one like anniversaries, holidays and so on. Then there are times when it comes at very unexpected times such as when you remember a great memory with them, or you smell their "smell" unexpectedly. At least now you have time to catch your breath before the next waves takes you under.

As you come to a point where you are even further away from the day you lost your loved one the waves of grief seem to get even further apart and much less strong. You always have time to pull yourself together and catch your breath in between the waves. Most of the time the waves hit at times when you don't expect them and you are taken by surprise but at this point you know it will not last forever as you felt in the past. You seem to have more good days than bad ones, and even start to think that maybe just maybe your life will be good again. But as the waves of the ocean are always coming you know that your grief has not come to an end, you are just learning to cope with it in a much better way.

There will come a day when you look back and think wow I have not been taken down by a wave in a long time. (I personally am not at this stage yet however I know it will come one day) The waves no longer knock you down each time they come and they come less and less. At times you can even stand while the waves comes upon you which makes catching your breath that much easier. You have far more good days than bad and start to live out the life in which God created you for, the life that you thought would never be good again. At this point you might only cry once a year when the anniversary of your loved ones departure from this earth comes around again.

You see the waves of the ocean are a great analogy for the grief process, they never stop and God is in full control of the waves. Even though grief gets easier it will never go away fully. You will always love the person you lost and there will always be a place in your heart for that person therefore the grief will not go away it will just get less and less as the waves in the ocean clam when God clams them. Time does not heal your wounds, time just makes it easier to not think about that awful day ever time you close your eyes. Nothing here on earth will every heal any of your wounds, it is ONLY God who can and will heal your wounds if you let Him. God will pick up the pieces of your heart and put them back together in His time, but He will never force that healing onto anyone. You have to be a willing participate in this healing. God is right there holding out His hand asking you to reach out to Him and let Him be in control of your life. He wants to hold you through this awful pain but you have to seek Him.

So the choice is...stay in your pain, turn to a person here on earth that will one day leave you also, turn to chemicals to help you cope with the pain...turn away from God. OR turn to God and let Him, the healer of all healers, put your heart back together. Will there still be scars on your heart from where it was put back together...yes. But those scars will give you the unique ability to help others through the pain when their heart is broken also. How beautiful is that!!

Prayers are needed now please

I started antibiotics a week ago and still am not feeling much better at all. I have been in contact with the doctor today and she called in another antibiotic, thank God! In the last 3 1/2 years I have been through a lot of stressors as I look back I am overwhelmed what the Lord has brought me through in this time. Planning a wedding, graduating college, getting married, moving halfway across the country, dealing with everyday normal marriage issues plus some that are not so normal, dealing with becoming part of another person's family, dealing with Jimmy's health concerns and him being diagnosed with diabetes & crohn's disease, finding a new church, cars breaking down, 3 new jobs for me one of which included dealing with abused children and going to court for them all the time, moving to a new place once in Texas, Jimmy's death (and all the struggles that have come with being a widow) & again finding a new church.

WOW!!!!

In the last 2 months I have made the choice to get healthy on all levels...physical, emotional & spiritual. I feel that this is the best way to honor God and also to honor my husband. Today I decided to start taking multi vitamins again and extra vitamin C I am praying that I keep it up daily as it is hard for me to remember sometimes.   I am starting to feel that this sickness is an attack of statan as he would not want me to honor God in anyway. Please pray that I stay steadfast to the Lord and that He would heal this sickness. Pray against statan's plan to make me turn away from the Lord. I want to feel better to be able exercise and also to go to work.

Thank you all for your prayers and support it is so much needed!

Moving on...one step at a time

As I watched Grey's Anatomy from this week it was an entire episode about letting go and moving on. I think in a sense I have been "stuck" in my grief. I just want to feel bad, I want everyone to feel bad with me, I don't want to let him go. I have felt like moving on is a way of dishonoring him. This view is starting to change though. I know that nothing will ever take away the relationship or the love that Jimmy and I shared. I am realizing that not only will that never be able to be taken away from me but also that it was a huge gift from God! Jimmy loved me in such a way that most women never see in their life. I am so blessed to have been able to have such an amazing husband and also such an amazing love.

I feel that the Lord is showing me ways in which I can move and a little at a time. As I cleaned the bathroom this weekend I realized that I had not really moved any of my "things" to Jimmy's side of the sink. I had already taken Jimmy's "things" off of the counter but I had left it left with only the things such as tissues and paper towels that we both used. So as I cleaned the counter off I made sure to move my "things" to both sides. It was very strange to dry my hair on "his" side of the sink. It is even weird to put anything on that side of the sink. But I did it and my life in not over, I didn't even cry (that was a huge surprise) HE gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding.

I went to use the grill this weekend also and was not able to use it. I opened it up and cleaned out the old ashes and noticed a hole in the bottom of the grill and I thought to myself "I need to get a new grill this year." Then once I started to put the charcoal into the grill the bottom fell out. This was the grill that Jimmy and I got before we got married in which he made many, many fires in. He loved to start the fire and he even tried to cook on the grill. Oh how he loved the food that we cooked on the grill. Now I will need to start a new season with a new grill.

My phone was acting up, it would drop calls all the time, the battery would not really keep a charge and it was time to upgrade anyway. So I went to the mall into the apple store to see what iPhone I could get at a discounted price. So I broke down and get the iPhone...I even got the newest one because I can speak to it and it will write my text message, my email and so on. This also made me cancel the home phone since I had to add the data plan to the cell phone. I can just see Jimmy now shaking his head at me, when we talked about him getting an iPhone it just did not work financially. The hard part is that I had to give up the last texts that Jimmy sent to me in the old phone :( But as I use the new phone everything is ok. I have not even cried about it yet. Thank the Lord that HE gave me the peace while using the new phone.

In all this has been a very productive weekend, not only going to the eye doctor and the primary care doctor but also making huge steps in moving on. I am so thankful to the Lord for helping me to see all of this in a different light. Instead of seeing this as something awful that I will never get past HE is giving me a perspective of seeing my marriage as a precious gift HE gave me for 2 years & 45 days. There is a reason that God took Jimmy from this earth, even if I can't see or understand that reason I am resting in the fact that He is God and I am NOT! He is in control and I am not and never will be. This life is HIS and I want to serve Him in every way that I can. If I had to go through this pain in order to fulfill His purpose in my life then so be it. Does it make the pain go away for good...no! Will there be times when the grief overwhelms me again...yes! But I know that He is God and I am not...He will work all of this together for my good NO MATTER WHAT! He is changing me in so many ways that would not have been possible if I had not gone through this pain and for that I am very thankful.  

Reflecting on the last year

As I reflect on how my life was a year ago and I am so overwhelmed. How can someone's life change so much in one year! How can you go from being happy, healthy, part of a great church, married, in love, hopeful of a future, being a stay at home wife...to the next year all of that is just gone? How does that even happen? How is it that God sees fit to wipe all of that out of a person's life?

There are times that I feel like he gives just so he can take away...before any of you try to give me Scripture that says otherwise just try to put yourself in my shoes. Jimmy was diagnosed with Crohn's disease in Feb, the same day they cut my hours really bad at work. My job was taken away pretty much in February...yes this made it possible for me to stay at home more and I was very thankful for that as well, especially in hind sight. Then Jimmy and I started a photography business, in which Jimmy was the brains of and now is no longer going to be in existence. My husband was taken in July, his family to follow, and my church family to follow that. Yes in this time the LORD did give me a new job to support myself and to help me heal, friends that have been there through thick and thin...but I feel like way more has been taken at this point.

It is hard to look back on the past year and not be upset. I know that my status here on Earth is not dependant on my marital status, my career or the family that I am a part of. I know that no matter what is taken away from me here on Earth my status in Heaven does not change. I am the daughter of the King of Kings no matter if I am a wife, mother, sister or business woman. Sometimes it is hard to remember that I am HIS no matter what is lost here in this world. I need all of you in my life to help me get through this huge trial in my life. I want to thank each of you for your prayers, love and support. I am blessed to have each of you in my life.

Please read this before you try to "fix" someone who is greiving!

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

Detours

Last week I had to take a detour to work due to an accident. As I wrote about this it made me think about the fact that my entire life has been one detour after another.

When I was 12 I went from being an only child to one of 6 over night.

In my twenties one man took advantage of me in a way that made me look at men in a very different way which also led to me not being able to trust men in general.

While I was in college God closed every door for me to go back to the school where I had been studying youth ministry.

This then led me to go to another college and graduating with a degree in Human Services.

I got married to the best husband in the world 14 days after my graduation which led me half way across the country from my family and friends.

Then last summer my entire world was turned upside down by the latest detour, my wonderful husband went Home to Heaven.

            There are more detours I could take you on but I am not up for sharing them all at this time. Some would look at my life and wonder how all of this could have happened to one person, or how anyone could get through all of it, or maybe you are reading this and thinking if she only knew what my life has been like she would be grateful, or maybe everyone has as many detours in their lives. No matter what the case, we all go through so sort of detour in our lives at some point. And what we do with the detour depends on a lot of different factors. How we were raised, what our life experiences are, our faith, our support systems and so on. We all react to any given circumstance in our own way due to the many differences in our lives.

                I have come to the conclusion that if my life had not been full of detours that I would not be able to make it through the latest detour. I have been told over and over again that I am a strong woman, but what makes a strong woman? We only become strong by being tested over and over again. It is through this testing that we can finally "get it right" when it is really needed. If I had not dealt with grief, stress, heartbreak & traumatic situations in my past I would defiantly not know how to deal with the loss of my husband. I am in no way saying that anyone really knows how to deal with the loss of a spouse, however through the testing in our lives we can understand what has worked or not worked for us in our past experiences. 

                This latest detour has changed my life in ways I wouldn't even imagined before this happened to me. I go to the grocery store and wonder aimlessly wondering what do you cook for one person, I go out in public and see couples together everywhere and it causes a reaction of anger and disgust in me that I have never had before, I have a longing for human touch that I never had before...the list goes on and on. It makes me think about the fact that maybe just maybe my world was wrapped up in my husband to a fault. Would I change the way our marriage was looking back...absolutely not...but it has made me think about Jesus as my husband. He is the first man that should be in anyone's life, and I have to admit that I was not actually putting Him first while Jimmy was here on Earth. Would I have come to rely on Jesus to the extent that He deserves without Him taking Jimmy to live with Him? I don't know...I really can't answer that and it does not actually matter at this point either.

                I have come to this realization that I am at a crossroads in my life and faith. Do I feel God here with me as in an actual presence...no. Do I trust (rely on with confidence of the outcome)Him...not so sure anymore. Do I believe that He will work this all together for my good...not so sure of that either. I am at a point where I have to look at His truth, the Word that He has given to us and choose if I am going to believe it as TRUTH or not. I will be honest and say that I don't want to believe it as Truth because my life seems so much to be upside down and since I can't see how any of this will turn out for my good it is hard to believe that IS the Truth. Where was God when all of these detours happened in my life? Did He just sit there and let it all unfold knowing that it would make me see Him in this light now? Is all of this really for my good? How can it be?

                This all being said I am asking for prayer during this very dark time/place I am in right now. I feel like I am in a well a very deep one with quicksand under me, I sink further and further down with no escape in sight. I am at the point of wondering if God is really in this pit with me because I see NO light here with me. Lord, Help me I am sinking!

6 Months down & a lifetime to go

I never would have imagined that today would be harder than what I faced 6 months ago. The realization that Jimmy has been gone from this earth for half a year is so overwhelming to me. On one hand I feel like it was just yesterday that he was here with me then on the other hand I feel like it has been forever since I heard his say "you're the best wife in the world." I can't still hear the words...but only if I try really hard. I am starting to forget things...like how he looked when he first woke up, and how excited he got about a new airplane movie coming out, the sound of his laugh, the look on his face when he loved what I cooked for dinner...the list goes on. Oh how desperately I don't want to forget him...yet it is inevitable that I will forget certain things. There is no way to stop it.

A few days ago I went to his clothes, that hang in the spare bedroom closet now, and I realized that they no longer smell like him. I can't even explain the melt down that I had, I completely lost it. Everything is being stripped away one piece at a time in my life. And now that includes the smell of Jimmy. This realization is heart wrenching. Not only is my husband not here...not I don't have anything left that smells like him. The only thing left are the memories...which I can't even think about and be happy yet.

On Thursday I had to take a detour due to an accident.  This detour took me right past the restaurant where Jimmy and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary. At this point in my journey of grief I am a pro at driving while having a melt down because that is where most of them happen. I got so angry that not only would I be late for work but that I also had to have this pain brought up again. I wish that I could think of him and be happy...and sometimes that is what happens...but instead most of the time I get so angry that the Lord took away the best husband on earth. Well on Thursday I got angry...and I told God just how I felt about the way my life is now. Thank God He will never turn His back on me, because after my little rant I would have turned my back on me!

I am dealing with anger a lot these days. I am angry because this is my life, I am angry because I feel like I not only lost Jimmy but I lost myself, I am angry that I have no family in TX with me, I am angry when no one remembers how bad of a day the 15th is for me...I could go on forever it seems. I am at a crossroad...let the anger overtake me or give everything over to God once again. I am not quite at the point of letting God have it all yet. I want to be angry...I want to break something...I want to push every person out of my life....why? I finally came to the realization as to why.

I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone I love again. Therefore if I push everyone out I will never have that problem again. The problem is I never have the love again either. But right now I do not believe the saying "better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"...I would rather be alone than go through this pain ever again! I loved Jimmy with all that I have and he loved be back in the same way. How precious the love we shared. I just wish I could remember the wonderful memories without being so angry and sad. I am sure that one day that will come. I just wish it was now!

Pain

I came to a realization today while I was in Church...

                1. The fact that I understand that the LORD has the best plan for me no matter what does NOT mean that it takes away my pain of losing my husband.

          2. Without going through the pain I would not become the person that the LORD wants me to be. The pain is how HE is making more like HIM and into the person who HE wants me to be.

What I deal with everyday...

                1. Jimmy loved Jesus more than me and is very happy to be in Heaven with him.

            2. Jimmy no longer has to suffer here on this Earth with the rest of us.

            3. The plan that the LORD has for me is far better than anything I could ever dream of.

            4. Nothing will ever be the same on this Earth for me.

            5. I wake up every morning without Jimmy here.

            6. Half of me is gone...you really do not understand being one with someone until they are gone.

            7. I can't seem to be my "normal" self anymore...I forget everything, I can't keep my house clean, I have no desire to do anything artistic, I don't feel like cooking...and the list goes on.

            8. Max (my cat) still looks for his "daddy" and it breaks my heart every time.

            9. Jimmy's chair will always be empty.

            10. My entire future changed in the blink of an eye.

What I don't understand...

                1. Why people think that my life is back to "normal"

       2. Why people are shocked when I say my holidays were the worst I have ever had in my life.

       3. Why I can't make it through a Church service without crying the entire time.

       4. Why I don't have the desire to do the things that I once loved doing.

       5. Why in our culture we don't let people just grieve.

       6. Why do people think that  I am done grieving.

       7. How can people just forget about Jimmy so quickly.

       8. Why it feels like I am the only one who is still grieving the loss of Jimmy.

       9. Why it makes me sick to my stomach to see couples hold hands or sit next to each other.

       10. Why I have no desire to celebrate anything.

All of this brings pain...a lot of it. As I take the road through this pain it will make me not only closer to the Lord but also make me more like HIM. I don't know what that looks like in the end, I don't understand why all of this happened, I would not have chosen this...but for some reason this is what the LORD has chosen therefore I have to praise HIM no matter what. HE is the one that is good...not me. HE is there waiting to comfort me I just have to seek HIM even when I don't feel like it.

A New Year as a Widow

Starting a new year as a widow is something I never thought would happen until I was much older. Widow is a word that I have come to hate. Would I hate it so much if I was older? I have no idea. I know that it is something I thought I would never have to deal with at 31. I still have not been able to wrap my brain around the fact that on July 15th I started the day married to the best husband I could have asked for and then ended the day as a widow. maybe I am stuck there still I don't know. Being a widow has become something that has a very negative connotation for me now.

As I look ahead to the next month I am very overwhelmed by all the "firsts" I have to deal with. My birthday, valentine's day and leap day, Jimmy and I met on leap day 2008. February is going to be a very difficult month and I am not really looking forward to the month even coming. I normally would be so excited for my birthday that I would let everyone know when it was 3,2 &1 month away. I am not excited for any holiday at all.

I am starting to not really feel like myself at all. Is it depression? Is it just grief? Is it my new "normal"? Sometimes I wish I could feel like my normal self again...the only problem is that I will never be that person again. Today on the news I heard a reporter say "the family is grieving instead of celebrating" (this was due to a woman that was killed on New Year's Eve) why do people only think about those that lost a loved one very recent during the holidays? No one is ever the same after they lose a loved one. It does not matter how many days, weeks, years or decades that pass each day and especially holidays will never be the same. There is an ache that will never leave you as long as you live. There will always be a place in your heart that is not the same due to the fact that that person is not there. Like a missing puzzle piece...you can't finish the whole puzzle due to the fact that just one piece is missing.

It is not just one person that is missing in my life...my entire future that I thought I had is missing. I thought I would be married for 50+ years, have kids, grandkids, retire together...part of my identity is gone not just Jimmy. How do you go on with your life when your entire identity has changed? I no longer am married I am a widow. I no longer have the dream of being a mother just the longing to be someone's mommy. I no longer have the dream of growing old with Jimmy, just to grow old by myself.

I am starting to feel like I am so alone and always will be. I know that the Lord is always there with me, I am starting to just not feel like He is really there. All of these holidays in a row have me feeling very down. I am still not sure how to get back up...I just feel like I am being knocked down over and over again. I am pretty sure the next year is going to be like that for me...at least if I expect it then when it happens I will not be caught off guard.

Please keep praying for me to heal and that I would feel the LORD close to me. I wish everyone understood that grief gets worse before it ever gets better...most people tell you that it will get better. I promise you I feel far worse today than I did on August 1st. I just wish it would all be over...oh how I wish that was possible.

LORD, help me to not feel alone. Please hold me in your hands and help me to feel your presence. Help me to learn every lesson you want me to learn. Teach me all that you have for me during this year, LORD.

My Needs

As I talked to my friend last night I realized that I have not let myself feel for the last 2 months. I have put up these walls around me...work, people, internet..DISTRACTION!!! Anything that helps me to keep my mind off of the fact that I am in pain. So many people will tell you that you NEED to be busy, that you NEED to do something to keep your mind off of your loved one. I don't want to take my mind off of Jimmy...especially not during Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why do people think that THEY know what is best for me? If I want to spend a day by myself even a holiday then that is what I am going to do...end of story! I really felt like I should spend Thanksgiving alone but due to the fact that so many people told me I should not be alone I felt that they knew better than I did. But I NEED to be able to take the time to remember Jimmy and to grieve.

There are 2 things that I really cannot deal with hearing from anyone...

1. How are you?...if you really want to know then ask if you don't want to hear that my life sucks right now then don't ask!!

2. I understand or I know how you feel...NO YOU DON'T!!!  First of all if you did not lose your spouse you can't even begin to imagine how it feels to  literally have half of you gone, second if you lost someone that is much older than you as in a grandparent it is not the same due to the fact that it is the natural order of life. You have not walked even one day in my shoes so please don't try to think you have.

So I am telling you what I know I NEED not what you think I NEED...please don't ask me how I am especially right now...Christmas is almost here and all I want this year is to have Jimmy back...how do you think I feel? I also don't NEED you telling what you think I NEED because you are not me and you can't possibly know what is best for me. And last but NOT least...do NOT tell me you know how I feel or that you understand what I am going through...You can't understand everything that Jimmy and I went through during our time together therefore you can't even begin to understand how I now feel without him.

There are going to be days that I NEED to be left alone, so I might not answer the phone or email you back it does NOT mean that I don't like you or don't ever want to talk to you again, it simply means I need space and time to heal that day. I might not want to do anything on Christmas and that is ok...this is about my healing NOT about what is best for someone else! Please don't be offended when I am moody during these holidays, it sucks to be in this place right now.

I really just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate until about July 16, 2012 yet this will NOT make anything better because when I got up it would still all be there to deal with...every emotion under the sun. I still feel like my emotions are bipolar at times and it is irritating. But this is something that I have to learn to deal with I guess...Lord help me.

                                                                                                                                                     

5 Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

Today marks 5 months without my wonderful husband...it seems like yesterday that he kissed me goodnight yet it seems like he has been gone forever. I am learning to see things in a new way, when I see an airplane instead of falling apart I smile and think "Jimmy will always be here with me." When Max curls up next to me in bed, sometimes I still get irritated but most of the time I remember that Jimmy always said "his purring puts me to sleep." That is why Jimmy liked to have Max sleep right beside him on the bed. Instead of thinking all the time how terrible it is that I don't have Jimmy with me anymore I think how blessed I am that I got to spend 2 years married to him and another year getting to know him. He helped to make me who I am today, he was so much more like Christ than me and he helped me to be more like HIM too. I am so thankful that he loved me so much that it mattered to him that my character be more like Jesus.

Do I still have times when I am angry, irritated at the world & depressed? YES! Almost every day I have at least one of these feelings/emotions. I would like for a day without bipolar emotions, without moments of hopelessness, a day without crying, a day without memories that bring pain, a day without the feeling that something is lacking...and the list goes on. Some people think that grieving is over within 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, a year...I promise you it does not end in this amount of time. When someone dies those that are left behind will never be the same. I deal with the fact that Jimmy is in Heaven every single day! I am left without my husband, without the future we planned, without his laughter and sense of humor, without his sweet smile, without...without...without. The thing that you have to understand is that when you lose someone that you love who was a huge part of your life your life does not go back to "normal" because now there is a piece missing. And when that loss was not expected, was before the person's time or someone that was very young it is even worse. In your mind and your world they were never supposed to die when they did. It is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through in my life. And to be honest I hope and pray that I never have to go through anything harder...

It is a choice every day to not give into being angry, irritated & depressed. All of these emotions come at me every day, I have to choose to not let it consume me. I have to choose to focus on the Lord and not let the despair consume me. We are all faced with this kind of choice each day. When someone cuts you off in traffic do you get angry at them and yell at them even though they will never hear you, or do you pray for them and ask God to make their day better and for their safety? When you are irritated because you have to stand in a long line as you are shopping last minute do you take it out on the cashier or do you treat them as you would want to be treated? When a situation in your life does not go your way do you give into depression or do you seek the Lord's will in your life? You see it does not take grief to have each of these emotions we all face the possibility of them each and every day. It is our choice to either let them consume us or to let it go and let the Lord do what it is that He wants to do in your life. It should not take the loss of a loved one for us to turn our life over to God, sometimes it just does take that and He is asking you why did it take that in the first place? It is time to open up your hands and let go of all the hurt, pain, anger, depression, short temper and so on...it is time to let your hands and heart be filled with Jesus! Let Him have control of your life, that is how it was meant to be in the first place. Stop trying to make sure everything in your life turns out the way you want it and trust (rely on with confidence of the outcome) on Jesus!

Choosing to see the positive

For those of you that know me you know that at times I can be very patient then with other things I tend to have absolutely no patients at all. Today the heat was finally fixed in my workshop after 2 days  without it. This morning the temperature was down to 47 on the inside...yikes! My hands and nose felt as though they were going to fall off. I was frustrated with the fact that it felt like Pittsburgh on the inside of the building...my lack of patience.  Due to the fact that it felt like the north pole in our workshop we all went over to the cafeteria where we watched Christmas movies.

While we were there one of the men that I serve wanted to play solitaire, he is 70 half blind and half deaf, watching him play takes patience all in itself. So then I put the cards out to play a game myself, he sat there with me as I played. As I went through the cards over and over again I got frustrated that I could not do anything else. Then as I went through one more time he said "stop"...he saw that I could move a few cards around and get a little further in the game.

I think that the Lord is trying to teach me a few things lately and patience is at the top of the list I guess. My choice of how to look at my situation is also something that the Lord is teaching me. That same 70 year old man had a situation where last Saturday where he slumped over in his wheel chair and was very confused. I went with him to the clinic and had flash backs of when Jimmy was in the hospital on July 15th. It was so hard to be there with him as they went through triage right there in the clinic. As it turns out there was nothing wrong, every test that they preformed came back negative.

As I told a friend about this situation she said what if God let this happen while you were there to be with the man in order for you to go through it with a good outcome. Does God want me to understand that not everyone in my life is going to die? Does he want me to understand that His plan in the best? Does He want me to learn to fully trust HIM no matter what? I believe that the Lord does want me to look at each situation and trust Him and to believe that He will take care of me no matter what. Sometimes I just forget to think about my hard situations that way...instead I think about the fact that I am hurting, I didn't get my way or that I know what is best. But I don't!!

So I will choose to see every situation as God's plan and choose to see how it can be worked together for my good. I will choose to see the positive instead of the negative all the time. Thank you Lord for teaching me to see the world through your eyes and not my own.  

I am lucky

I just came to the realization that I have not had a panic attack in at least a month. After Jimmy passed away I was having small panic attacks at least once a day, I guess it is just another one of those things you have to deal with as a widow. I was sitting here thinking...I have not had one in quite awhile. The very first thing I did when I came to this realization was thank the Lord for HIS goodness! Maybe this means that I am not so overwhelmed anymore. I guess that is a good sign :)

I also came to another realization, I am more like Jimmy than I thought now. I was freaking out when the checking account went below $1,000...yes I typed that right...ha ha. I used to be the one that was just fine if the account was at $20 as long as we had food in the fridge and gas in the cars, but now I feel that feeling that I have to support myself like never before. As much as I don't like it I think it is good for me. I have never really been one to think about how much money it takes to support yourself. I just thought that if there was food and the bills were paid everything was ok...I never even thought about the future. Thank God Jimmy did!!! So now as I start this new job I am thinking about saving money and retirement also...guess it is time to grow up.

I have been reflecting on how much Jimmy taught me in the 3 1/2 years I knew him. He taught me to save money for retirement, to make sure there is enough money in the bank to take care of an emergency if needed, to be positive no matter what, to not complain under any circumstances, to love without conditions, to trust the LORD with everything, to pray without ceasing, to not worry about every little thing and the list goes on and on. One of the best things he taught me is to laugh and to make people laugh...it is medicine for the soul. Jimmy liked to make others laugh, it was like a mission for him. The Saturday before he passed away he was in rare form. I got to a point when I was like what is wrong with you today...he said I don't know. The funny thing is, most of the time when I would just be so annoyed I could not take it anymore I would say "that is enough" and he would stop...that day I never made him stop. Guess it was the Holy Spirit telling me to let him do it because I would miss it so much in just a few short months.

I was so lucky to be Jimmy's wife, Thank You LORD!!