Some Realizations...

First you find out who really cares about you when you say you are moving. Some people want to see me then others would be ok if I had moved yesterday. When I turned in my resignation at work they told me that they would pay through the end of the month when I said I would work until but that I did not need to come back in to work. Therefore Monday was my last day working, there have only been a few people get in contact with me from work.

It will be good to see who my real friends are through this move. There is no need for me to continue to keep people in my life that don't really care about me. It will be good to start this new chapter in my life with those people who truly want the best for me.

The next thing I noticed is that my appetite is back!! To be honest I had not realized that I did not really have any appetite until it came back this week. As I think back it has been since Jimmy passed away that I have not had my "real" appetite. I didn't care about what food I ate or if I even ate at all. Since I have been off of work I have been hungry nonstop & I actually know what food I want to eat!!

I am thankful that I now have an appetite because it was a struggle to eat when I had no idea what I wanted to eat. Yesterday I had red beans and rice and it tasted great!! I made French toast this morning for breakfast and also had cereal for a snack. I am looking forward to cooking again and eating as well. It is so awesome to feel somewhat "normal" again.

Yesterday I set a goal for myself to do something creative. I didn't want to set a goal something specific just that I do something. So I started crocheting a scarf for myself. It has been so long since I needed a scarf so the thought it would be fun to make one for this year. Of course it is purple! I picked out this yarn awhile ago and it is 4 shades of purple...I love it! I am going to see if I can also teach myself how to make a hat so I can have a hat to match.

 

I really  hope this is the start of me being creative again for good. I have missed being creative so much and it is so nice to do something creative now. I am also enjoying actually knowing what I want to eat and having the desire to cook. I am so thankful to the LORD for helping me to find a "new normal"!!!

What a sad & emotional day...

Today my wonderful husband would have turned 35, I am sure this number does not mean anything in Heaven. To me this means that there is one more birthday without him, a day to celebrate the life he so fully lived here, a day where tears flow freely, a day where the cycle of grief overwhelms me again & a day that I am grateful to "check" off the calendar. It is very hard to remember him now, hard to remember the "little" things he did to make me love him, the wonderful smile he had, the way he would love to annoy me (I am thankful that he did annoy me because that was a way for him to show his love), the toothbrush left on the counter with the toothpaste to match in the sink, the way he loved our "son" I mean cat ;)....there is so much I am forgetting!!

There are times when I see other people's pictures and it makes me sick to my stomach. What comes to my mind is..."why does this person get to have their husband and their kid(s)?" "why do I not get the 'dream'?" "why not me Lord?" I have gotten to the point that I don't even look at most people's pictures on facebook anymore due to the fact that it starts a whole emotional rollercoaster for me. It seems so unfair that they get to have what I always wanted and I am "stuck" with being a widow...for real WHY Lord? I know it isn't for me to question...but I do!

It is so hard to go through a day like today and not question what is going on in my life. How can such an amazing man of God be taken away so suddenly like that? Why not a husband who beat his wife? Why not a man who did drugs? Why not a man who was drinking while driving? Why not anyone else other than MY husband? This questioning gets me nowhere though. It just leads me down a road that is a dead end. Because I am not meant to know the answer to any of my questions at least for the time being if not until I am in Heaven with the Lord and Jimmy.

I am learning that I need to be content right where I am even though it is not  the path I would have chosen for my life. God is still good, He is still with me no matter if I think about turning my back on him or not, the Lord loves me no matter what, He loves me more than anyone (including Jimmy) ever could! However it is still a conscious choice to turn to Him, love Him, follow Him & trust Him every day!! We all have this choice, there are times that we chose to go our own way instead though. I have found that His yoke really is easy and His burden is light. All we have to do is choose to follow Him and trust Him not ourselves!   

Being needed...

While I was at work today there was a resident that came up to me and put his hand out to reach for me. I put my hand out and held his hand, he then pulled my arm close to his body as if hugging it. I then asked him if he needed a hug and he said yes, so I gave him a hug. He held me so tight as if I was going to leave or something. It made me feel so needed and wanted I can't even explain how much joy filled my heart.

In the past month or so I have been feeling like I have no purpose at this job anymore or maybe even in life. To be honest I was really feeling like I would never have a purpose again. I was starting to feel like no matter what happens I will always end up with pain and sorrow in my life. It can be hard to see any blessings when your entire life seems to be one hardship after the next.

Today I was reminded that my purpose is to glorify God be loving his people. There are times when his people are the very people that I have no desire to love. I wish I could say that it is always easy for me to love God children but some people that call themselves Christians are the biggest hypocrites. The Lord is teaching me that He has called me to love even those that I would see as "unlovable."

I just need to allow the Lord to teach me how to love all of His children. I have been asking Him to allow me to see others they way that He sees them.  I just want to be more like Christ and I know this is part of what needs to change in my life in order for me to be more like Him. Something else that the Lord has brought to my attention is that I have to put Him first no matter what. I still don't understand why this is such a hard lesson for me to learn but it sure is! Please pray for this with me.  

13 Months Down & A Lifetime to go...

Every other month as the 15th was approaching I would become more depressed and anxious. This month I was not nearly as depressed or anxious. So I thought that today would not be that bad however it was a very stressful day. On the bright side today was not all about me thinking about not having Jimmy with me.

I am thankful that my mind was not focused on what I have lost that is a huge blessing!!  I do miss Jimmy very much but I find myself not really focusing on that as much anymore. I am happy that Jimmy is in a better place, that he has no pain, that he can eat whatever he wants, he can sing at the top of his lungs...and so on. He is so happy that I can't even imagine how happy he is.

I have learned so much about myself in the past 13 months. I am much stronger than I thought I was but only through the strength of Christ! I am the type of person that likes things to be easy, normally when things are not easy I run the other way. I don't like to not be in control, it causes a lot of anxiety for me when I don't know what comes next. It is hard for me to trust anything without knowing the plan and also accepting the plan.

{ Things I need to work on }

Trust -- on God and authority

Staying when things are not as I planned

Letting go of my plan

Leaning on God for my strength

{ Please join me in praying for God to help me in all of these areas. }

Operation getting healthy...

On the exercise front...

For the past 2 weeks I have been walking 2 miles each morning other than the day that I went to Zumba after work. So in two weeks I have walked 18 miles and went to Zumba two times. I am finally starting to feel like I have more energy and I am also sleeping better...Praise God!

As for the number I have only lost 2 lbs in this two weeks. This is so very frustrating and makes me want to not keep up with the getting healthy. Please keep my motivation in your prayers as it is so hard to keep it up when the results are not really showing.

On the emotional front...

I have been having a bit of a hard time with my emotions lately. As the one year anniversary creeps up I am getting more and more emotional. I am sure this is normal but it is hard to deal with for sure. I am not having as many melt downs as the first few months but I have had a few, but mostly I am very easily irritated. I find myself getting upset about little things that I would normally not faze me at all.  

On the Spiritual front...

I have been reading the Bible on a regular basis and praying far more than before. I know this is helping me and I wish to continue for sure. Please keep this is your prayers...my desire to know the Lord more.

On the Creative front...

Nothing to report at this time. :(

Other comments...

I have been looking into grad school...it is very expensive and I need to really seek the Lord's will on this. Please keep this in your prayers as well :)

Operation getting healthy...

On the exercise front...

So this week I got my tooth pulled on Tuesday and therefore I was not able to work out on Wednesday or Thursday. But I did work out Monday, Tuesday, Friday & Saturday. So I got 4 miles in this week and added more reps to all the strength training. I am not hurting that bad (other than my behind...ha ha) with adding the reps so I will add more this coming week. I feel that I am doing a good job at keeping up with exercising and not giving up. I used to hurt real bad one day because I overdid it and then I would just stop because I didn't want to hurt that bad. So now I am taking it slow and steady as to not overdo it and quit without any results.

I am still getting up at 4:30am and working out before I go to work. I am trying to eat healthy and for the most part I do but sometimes I eat a larger portion than I should. I have kept away from the chocolate other than nutella which is so good!! Please keep praying for strength to wake up this early and make it through my day, for strength to make the right food choices and for safety as I exercise.

On the emotional front...

Wednesday was my 3 year wedding anniversary and I still can't believe that Jimmy was not here to celebrate that with me. I did make it through the day and that is another "first" that is over with...Thank God!! I think I was able to let go of Jimmy a little bit more...not that I want to I just know that I have to. I did change my relationship status on facebook which was one of my goals and that was very hard but I wanted to make sure to keep with my goal or I knew I would never do it. I feel that I am letting him go as my husband at this point. This is hard but it part of the process of grieving. Please keep me in your prayers that I continue to let go of him but not his memory. That I go through this grieving process in a healthy manor.

On the Spiritual front...

I am reading the Bible everyday still and praying more. I could do better on each of these fronts so please keep praying that I will take the time to pray each and every day and to study His word each day as well. I would also like to ask for prayer in knowing what the Lord has for me for the next step in my life. I am sensing that He might not want me to stay in Houston long term but I don't know where He is leading so please pray for clarity and peace about where He would have me to go. I am also thinking about going back to school for my masters in Social Work to ultimately be a therapist please keep this in your prayers as well, which school to go to and also the money to get the education.

On the Creative front...

Today I turned a regular notebook into a Scripture memory verse notebook that looks pretty. I made this for a friend to encourage them to memorize Scripture. I also came up with an idea for another prayer journal that I will also give to another friend. I am not pushing the card making right now but I do have a goal set for this if I do not feel like it before and that goal is after I get back from my vacation in July. I think that maybe what I will do is make Jimmy a birthday card when I get back from vacation...the last card I made was for his casket and I have had a very hard time making them again so maybe if I make one for his birthday it will be full circle and with over a year past it will be less painful. Praying for the healing in that area in order for me to be able to create cards again!  

Update on getting healthy...

Thank you all for your prayers especially the last 3-4 weeks!! I was so sick with that sinus infection that I was given 3 rounds of antibiotics and then finally 6 days of steroids also. After all of that and tons of rest and time off of work I finally am feeling better. I don't think that I am 100% yet but close to it! Due to being sick I stopped working out daily as to not run my body down anymore. I did well with food choices though as I was not in the mood to eat :)

So an update on being healthy...

Physically: I did not work out the past 2 weeks but this week I did a mile on Tuesday and Thursday. Now that I did that and do not feel sick or run down I will start on Monday doing one mile each weekday. This means that I will be getting up at 4:30am in order to work out and get ready for work in time. Please pray for me to not get sick again and also to get enough sleep to help my immune system recover.

I also started taking my vitamins again as I had stopped after Jimmy's passing. When he was alive I would put all of his meds into a pill container on Sunday so that he did not forget to take any of his pills. So when I no longer had a need to do this I forgot to take my own vitamins. So due to that and all the stress that I was under my immune system took a huge hit. I am trying to build my immune system back up now by taking my vitamins, exercise and getting enough rest.

Emotionally: I started therapy 3 weeks after Jimmy's departure to Heaven and that has been a huge help. My therapist is a widow herself so she truly understands where I am coming from and tells me often that I am normal. It has been such a blessing to be able to talk to someone that understands and knows that what I am going through is awful. I feel that emotionally I am doing much better than even 2 months ago. Praise God for His healing!!

Spiritually: The last three weeks that I have been sick I have not gone to Church, I am so happy to actually feel like going to Church tomorrow. I need that connection with God and while I can read the Bible and study on my own and pray at home as well, there is a need to worship Him with others as well. So tomorrow I will be in Church again...praise God for healing me physically in order for me to be able to go back to Church.

Creativity: I actually felt creative in the past week!! I am so excited that I actually wanted to make something look pretty! I got a spiral notebook from the dollar store and wanted to turn it into a prayer journal. Here is the outcome...

Then I while back a great friend got me a spiraled index card notebook to use for Scripture memorization and I decided to make it pretty too...

Back at it again...getting healthy

Update on getting healthy:

After my 2 mile walk outside 2 weeks ago my heart was racing for at least an hour after. So I went to see the Dr. today. She told me that it is still safe to exercise but to ensure that I slowly build up to make sure that I am not putting too much stress on my heart. So I think that for the next month I will be doing my in-home walking video or taking a short walk outside.

As for food choices...I have been doing pretty well. Going into the clearance Easter candy aisle was a huge mistake last week though. Please keep my in your prayers as I seek to not even bring the sweets into the house. When it comes to chocolate I have zero will power. I have been thinking about doing a fast. I am thinking that I might eat only veggies, beans, rice and dairy for at least a week. I think that my body could use a fast of sugar/starch, I think this will also help me to not crave sugar so much also. Please keep that in your prayers as well, that if this is what the Lord wants me to do that He will show me clearly.

As for creativity...I got my colored pencils in but have yet to use them. I have been cooking more though which is also an outlet for creativity for me. I made Saag Paneer http://allrecipes.com/recipe/absolutely-perfect-palak-paneer/ this week and it turned out great. It was the first time that I made it and I am happy with how well it turned out. Who knows it just might be a staple if I start the fast :)

The Spiritual side...I have been slacking on reading the Bible daily and even praying. Please keep praying for me to seek the Lord no matter what and even if it means that I have to get up early. Please pray that the Lord would give me the strength to get through each day, that I seek the Lord in all I do and for safety as I start exercising on a regular basis.

Week 2 getting healthy...

The exercise thing...

I vacuumed the entire house in 45-60min, I took a 2mile walk outside (it felt great), washed the car. The car washing brought up memories of Jimmy and I doing this task together and I was actually able to smile at the memories, thank God for that! The car could use being washed again because I missed some spots but I will get to that next weekend again, this saves money by not going to a car wash...by not going somewhere to tan...and also gives me exercise...I call that win, win, win!!!

Food this week...

I think I did pretty well but I have been craving sweets far too much so I did "cheat" so to speak.  I have been eating a lot of Mediterranean food and love it...tastes good and good for you!

On the creative side of things...

I have been trying to find a way in which I want to be creative again since it has been hard for me to make cards and take pictures. So I was thinking that I have not drawn since I was in high school or maybe college (the early years ;). I am going to try to draw one of the pictures I have of Max that I just love. So I went to Hobby Lobby to get some colored pencils and oh my was I shocked at the prices they want. So I went onto Amazon and found the same thing for more than half the price...so I ordered them!! I can't wait to get started on a picture of my wonderful "son". I will keep you updated on my progress :)

On the Spiritual side of things...

I have been reading the Bible daily, and writing in my prayer journal most days. I am starting to seek the LORD again on a daily basis and I know it is helping in my everyday life. Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. They are so much needed at this time. Please keep praying for my motivation in all areas of my life, for my creativity to come back in whatever form the LORD wants, for me to walk the path the HE has for me and seek HIM in all that I do. I am so blessed to be able to call each of your friend, thank you for sticking by me as I walk through this difficult journey.

Looking forward to a vacation...

After alot of thinking, praying and consideration I have decided to go on a week long vacation for the one year anniversary of Jimmy's departure to Heaven. I went to AAA to see what I could find that was on a beach, few people and all inclusive...well I found it!!! I will be going to the Dominican Republic, Punta Cana for an entire week...Praise God I found such a great place. They only have a total of 51 guest rooms and a private beach so I might actually get to sit on the beach with very few people...that is exactly what I was looking for!

http://www.zoetryresorts.com/agua/

See the one chair all by itself...that is where I plan to sit all day long ;)

I get to eat in one of 3 restaurants...this is one of them.

The swimming pool

I am so blessed to be able to go on this trip...Praise God for his never ending love and blessings. 

Where I am at right now...

I am dealing with a lot of depression and anger right now...for anyone that is worried about me this is NORMAL in grieving. I am at a point that I just need to take some me time and start the process of healing. Please do not take offense to this or worry about me, God made me and knew that this is how I would deal with this very situation...He will take care of me. If you worry about me please just lift me up in prayer, God can and will take care of me. Thank you all for your love, support and concern.

Make Something Beautiful

Listen to the song too...

http://youtu.be/U28b350agHM

Make Something Beautiful ~ Laura Story



When Im at the point of breaking at the place where I resign,
And Im at the stage of shaking my head as I look back on my life,
When Im halfway through the grieving, but not quite through the ache,
When I cannot see the ending, Or which road Im supposed to take,
All i know to do is lift my hands to you..

Chorus:
Take all of my life, all of my life,
All I know to do is lift my hands to You.
And make something beautiful.
I open my hand, trusting Your plan.
Make something beautiful so all will see
Your work in me, as You make something beautiful


When Im tired of pretending, and I cant recall my lines,
Do I say, Im barely breathing., or just say, Im doing fine.
I admit there is a yearning, for the hurting to subside,
But not at the risk of missing what Your doing with my life
All i know to do is lift my hands to you

My Needs

As I talked to my friend last night I realized that I have not let myself feel for the last 2 months. I have put up these walls around me...work, people, internet..DISTRACTION!!! Anything that helps me to keep my mind off of the fact that I am in pain. So many people will tell you that you NEED to be busy, that you NEED to do something to keep your mind off of your loved one. I don't want to take my mind off of Jimmy...especially not during Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why do people think that THEY know what is best for me? If I want to spend a day by myself even a holiday then that is what I am going to do...end of story! I really felt like I should spend Thanksgiving alone but due to the fact that so many people told me I should not be alone I felt that they knew better than I did. But I NEED to be able to take the time to remember Jimmy and to grieve.

There are 2 things that I really cannot deal with hearing from anyone...

1. How are you?...if you really want to know then ask if you don't want to hear that my life sucks right now then don't ask!!

2. I understand or I know how you feel...NO YOU DON'T!!!  First of all if you did not lose your spouse you can't even begin to imagine how it feels to  literally have half of you gone, second if you lost someone that is much older than you as in a grandparent it is not the same due to the fact that it is the natural order of life. You have not walked even one day in my shoes so please don't try to think you have.

So I am telling you what I know I NEED not what you think I NEED...please don't ask me how I am especially right now...Christmas is almost here and all I want this year is to have Jimmy back...how do you think I feel? I also don't NEED you telling what you think I NEED because you are not me and you can't possibly know what is best for me. And last but NOT least...do NOT tell me you know how I feel or that you understand what I am going through...You can't understand everything that Jimmy and I went through during our time together therefore you can't even begin to understand how I now feel without him.

There are going to be days that I NEED to be left alone, so I might not answer the phone or email you back it does NOT mean that I don't like you or don't ever want to talk to you again, it simply means I need space and time to heal that day. I might not want to do anything on Christmas and that is ok...this is about my healing NOT about what is best for someone else! Please don't be offended when I am moody during these holidays, it sucks to be in this place right now.

I really just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate until about July 16, 2012 yet this will NOT make anything better because when I got up it would still all be there to deal with...every emotion under the sun. I still feel like my emotions are bipolar at times and it is irritating. But this is something that I have to learn to deal with I guess...Lord help me.