Update on my life...

            I thought it was time to give you each an update on what is going on in my life. Since the beginning of the year I have felt like the Lord has been guiding me on a path out of Texas. When I moved here over 3 years ago I never wanted to stay. I only stayed after Jimmy went to be with Jesus because I did not want to make a huge decision in the "thick of my grief" so to speak. So I stayed as to not make a hasty decision and found a job at a work program for intellectually disabled adults.

            I have learned so much while at this job. People who are intellectually disabled have to be some of the most accepting individuals in the world. They love me no matter what and accept me even on my bad days. They are some of the most loving and positive people I have ever met. They have taught me that my circumstances should never get me down, that I should always give people the benefit of the doubt and to love no matter what! They really are so amazing!!

            The people I serve in this job are amazing however the staff I work with are nothing like the clients. Due to the work environment that has been getting worse since April I find myself in a position where I can no longer accept the way they treat the staff and the clients. So I will no longer be working there as of the end of the month. Praise God for Him making this clear to me.

            Also in April there was a huge change in my life, I met a wonderful man online (yes online again)! He is also a widower, lives near Nashville TN, retired from the military, loves the Lord far more than anyone else and his name is Joel. We were talking for 5 months before I went to meet him in person and we both knew right away that this was the start of something special.

            I will be moving to Tennessee November 1st or 2nd (had to be flexible for the moving company)! For those of you that don't know Jimmy and I had planned on settling in Tennessee due to the fact that it was in between our parents. I feel as though the Lord was preparing me for this even back when Jimmy and I talked about where to eventually move and settle.

            Joel and I knew that we were compatible right away even talking on the phone. We balance each other out very well. We even feel that we are even more compatible with each other than we were with our former spouses which can only be done through the Lord! When meeting in person we each knew right away that we were meant to be together.

            I have also decided that I want to go back to school to peruse a master's in Social Work to then later get licensed to be a therapist. I know that the Lord has brought me through so much in my life and it will be used for His purpose and His glory! I am still deciding if I want to be a counselor in a school or for the military, so please pray for the Lord's direction in this area in my life.

            For those of you that are in Texas I would love to meet up with you before I leave the area. I will try to set up a time for me to meet up with many of you at once before I leave. As for those of you in Pittsburgh my plan is to visit for Christmas!

 

Prayer requests:

Direction in our relationship

Direction as to when to look for a job and when to start classes for my masters

Peace and safety in the move

My continued reliance on the Lord

Selling Jimmy's car (this will help pay for the move)

What a sad & emotional day...

Today my wonderful husband would have turned 35, I am sure this number does not mean anything in Heaven. To me this means that there is one more birthday without him, a day to celebrate the life he so fully lived here, a day where tears flow freely, a day where the cycle of grief overwhelms me again & a day that I am grateful to "check" off the calendar. It is very hard to remember him now, hard to remember the "little" things he did to make me love him, the wonderful smile he had, the way he would love to annoy me (I am thankful that he did annoy me because that was a way for him to show his love), the toothbrush left on the counter with the toothpaste to match in the sink, the way he loved our "son" I mean cat ;)....there is so much I am forgetting!!

There are times when I see other people's pictures and it makes me sick to my stomach. What comes to my mind is..."why does this person get to have their husband and their kid(s)?" "why do I not get the 'dream'?" "why not me Lord?" I have gotten to the point that I don't even look at most people's pictures on facebook anymore due to the fact that it starts a whole emotional rollercoaster for me. It seems so unfair that they get to have what I always wanted and I am "stuck" with being a widow...for real WHY Lord? I know it isn't for me to question...but I do!

It is so hard to go through a day like today and not question what is going on in my life. How can such an amazing man of God be taken away so suddenly like that? Why not a husband who beat his wife? Why not a man who did drugs? Why not a man who was drinking while driving? Why not anyone else other than MY husband? This questioning gets me nowhere though. It just leads me down a road that is a dead end. Because I am not meant to know the answer to any of my questions at least for the time being if not until I am in Heaven with the Lord and Jimmy.

I am learning that I need to be content right where I am even though it is not  the path I would have chosen for my life. God is still good, He is still with me no matter if I think about turning my back on him or not, the Lord loves me no matter what, He loves me more than anyone (including Jimmy) ever could! However it is still a conscious choice to turn to Him, love Him, follow Him & trust Him every day!! We all have this choice, there are times that we chose to go our own way instead though. I have found that His yoke really is easy and His burden is light. All we have to do is choose to follow Him and trust Him not ourselves!   

Being needed...

While I was at work today there was a resident that came up to me and put his hand out to reach for me. I put my hand out and held his hand, he then pulled my arm close to his body as if hugging it. I then asked him if he needed a hug and he said yes, so I gave him a hug. He held me so tight as if I was going to leave or something. It made me feel so needed and wanted I can't even explain how much joy filled my heart.

In the past month or so I have been feeling like I have no purpose at this job anymore or maybe even in life. To be honest I was really feeling like I would never have a purpose again. I was starting to feel like no matter what happens I will always end up with pain and sorrow in my life. It can be hard to see any blessings when your entire life seems to be one hardship after the next.

Today I was reminded that my purpose is to glorify God be loving his people. There are times when his people are the very people that I have no desire to love. I wish I could say that it is always easy for me to love God children but some people that call themselves Christians are the biggest hypocrites. The Lord is teaching me that He has called me to love even those that I would see as "unlovable."

I just need to allow the Lord to teach me how to love all of His children. I have been asking Him to allow me to see others they way that He sees them.  I just want to be more like Christ and I know this is part of what needs to change in my life in order for me to be more like Him. Something else that the Lord has brought to my attention is that I have to put Him first no matter what. I still don't understand why this is such a hard lesson for me to learn but it sure is! Please pray for this with me.  

13 Months Down & A Lifetime to go...

Every other month as the 15th was approaching I would become more depressed and anxious. This month I was not nearly as depressed or anxious. So I thought that today would not be that bad however it was a very stressful day. On the bright side today was not all about me thinking about not having Jimmy with me.

I am thankful that my mind was not focused on what I have lost that is a huge blessing!!  I do miss Jimmy very much but I find myself not really focusing on that as much anymore. I am happy that Jimmy is in a better place, that he has no pain, that he can eat whatever he wants, he can sing at the top of his lungs...and so on. He is so happy that I can't even imagine how happy he is.

I have learned so much about myself in the past 13 months. I am much stronger than I thought I was but only through the strength of Christ! I am the type of person that likes things to be easy, normally when things are not easy I run the other way. I don't like to not be in control, it causes a lot of anxiety for me when I don't know what comes next. It is hard for me to trust anything without knowing the plan and also accepting the plan.

{ Things I need to work on }

Trust -- on God and authority

Staying when things are not as I planned

Letting go of my plan

Leaning on God for my strength

{ Please join me in praying for God to help me in all of these areas. }

One year down and a lifetime to go...

I really can't believe it has been a year without the love of my life. I remember thinking that this day would never come. Yet here it is July 15, 2012...I feel a bit speechless. On one hand I just want this day to be done and over with on the other hand I am sitting on the beach looking out at the water thinking I need to enjoy this as much as possible.

at 7am I was woken up to no power in my room therefore I was sweating when I woke up...I look at this as God's way of telling me to not sit and wallow in my room all day long. So I came out to the beach to write this long awaited blog post. I feel a sense of calm and peace as I sit here alone with the beautiful wind blowing against me & the smell of the salt water in the air. Thank you Lord for this peace!

As I was driven to this resort I could not help but think that Jimmy would have loved the adventure of the hour long drive over bumpy roads all while dodging bikers, horses and the occasional oncoming bus. He would have seen this as fun, I saw this as miserable due to my motion sickness but I tried to make the best of it by talking to the guy sitting next to me that worked for the travel company.  This is also something Jimmy would have done...talk to anyone and everyone. I find myself doing that more and more, talking to strangers. I am gaining the love of others that he had and I am very thankful for that. Again I praise God for changing my character as there is much to be changed in me.

On Friday I went to a memorial lunch in honor of Jimmy it was so hard for me to go however I think it was good for me to be able to talk to people that could reminisce about who he was with me.  This lunch was at his workplace which is connected to the hospital where he died. I can't even explain the hurt in my heart when I saw that hospital again. As I drove there I had 2-3 small panic attacks and cried almost the entire way in the pouring down rain. I am blessed that I made it alive...praise God again He has kept me safe this year!!

I think that today is not going to be as bad as Friday was as that day felt more like the one year anniversary as he died on a Friday. I am going to make the most of this trip and honor Jimmy by going outside of my character a little bit and being adventurous. We will see what I translate that to...maybe just taking some of the classes offered here, maybe finding some kind of tour I can go on or maybe skydiving...ha ha.  We shall see.

Please be praying that I do whatever the Lord has for me, I change whatever I need to in order to become more like HIM, that I deal with anything that the Lord wants me to deal with and that my heart is put back together by HIM and HIM alone. Pray that I let HIM guide my next step onto whatever HE has for me. I want to be in HIS will not my own.

Operation getting healthy...

On the exercise front...

For the past 2 weeks I have been walking 2 miles each morning other than the day that I went to Zumba after work. So in two weeks I have walked 18 miles and went to Zumba two times. I am finally starting to feel like I have more energy and I am also sleeping better...Praise God!

As for the number I have only lost 2 lbs in this two weeks. This is so very frustrating and makes me want to not keep up with the getting healthy. Please keep my motivation in your prayers as it is so hard to keep it up when the results are not really showing.

On the emotional front...

I have been having a bit of a hard time with my emotions lately. As the one year anniversary creeps up I am getting more and more emotional. I am sure this is normal but it is hard to deal with for sure. I am not having as many melt downs as the first few months but I have had a few, but mostly I am very easily irritated. I find myself getting upset about little things that I would normally not faze me at all.  

On the Spiritual front...

I have been reading the Bible on a regular basis and praying far more than before. I know this is helping me and I wish to continue for sure. Please keep this is your prayers...my desire to know the Lord more.

On the Creative front...

Nothing to report at this time. :(

Other comments...

I have been looking into grad school...it is very expensive and I need to really seek the Lord's will on this. Please keep this in your prayers as well :)

11 Months down & a lifetime to go...

As I reflect on the fact that Jimmy has been in heaven for 11 months I am pretty much speechless. I really can't believe that it has already been 11 months. How did the time pass so fast? Sometimes it seems like it was yesterday that he was here with me then others it seems like it has already been years without him. I am starting to come to the place of acceptance but I also find myself fighting the acceptance. In my head I know that Jimmy will never come back but in my heart I want to fight that with every ounce of my strength.

It is a struggle that I deal with every day these days. How do you accept that your spouse is not coming back? How do you deal with the fact that he will never come home from work again, that he will never say "I love you" again, that he will never hold you again, that he will never be there to talk to again, that he will never be at the other end of the phone again...and so on? All of the everyday things that used to go on will never go on with him again. This is so hard to accept!

I think that I am starting to feel like it is time to accept that he is gone and move on but how do you do that? I know that I have taken steps in my life to move on but how do you let go of your husband, your best friend....your other half? HOW? I know that packing up his clothes will be a good step so that is a goal for me in the next week, to pack up his clothes. When I got new bookshelves I packed up his books as there was so point in putting them back on the new shelves. It was not so emotional but I somehow think that the clothes will be far more emotional. As for the pictures on the walls...not even close to being ready to take those down.

Thank you all for your prayers and support it is so much needed. Please pray for peace, for contentment, for willingness to move on to what the Lord has for me, for clarity, for a desire to know Jesus more & for his wisdom not my own. I just want to fall into His arms and let Him lead, I am so tired and don't even feel like trying to do anything anymore. I think that is actually a good place to be though.

Operation getting healthy...seeing improvement

On the exercise front...

I did the walking video Monday-Friday this week which equals 5 miles. I also decided to go to a Zumba class on Saturday as well. I joined a gym last year and have not actually used the membership yet. I think it is about time to use that membership! I have increased the amount of sets in the strength training also.  I actually did 50 pushups (on my knees) on Friday morning...wow do my arms hurt. ha ha

Zumba was fun but WOW do you get workout in hour of Zumba!!!  I was dripping with sweat but feel great afterwards!!! I will be going every Saturday now and I might start going on Friday night as well once I get used to going on Saturdays :)

So what everyone has been waiting for...the numbers...ha ha! I am down 5 pounds from a week and a half ago!!! I am so excited...and want to keep it up so that the pounds just keep coming off!!

On the emotional front...

I have been doing pretty well in this area, Praise God!! Therapy is still going well I am so thankful for that as well! I have had very few melt downs lately and I praise God for that as well. As the one year anniversary keeps creeping up I am getting a little more anxious about what comes next. I am praying for more healing and a fresh new start after that awful anniversary.

On the Spiritual front...

I have been praying more and more...thank you for your prayers on this front because they sure are helping! I do need to start reading the Bible more and I feel convicted to be memorizing Scripture please continue to pray for this. I have also been going to Church more and am feeling refreshed by going...Praising God for this as well!!

On the Creative front...

I have not done much this week but I don't feel like I have to stay away from being creative and that is a huge step for sure!!

3 Years of Marriage

Since I am not legally married anymore I guess that today isn't really my wedding anniversary, however my heart is still married.

{The heart is a funny thing...it does not pay attention to the law.}

How can it be that I am not really married but my heart is still married? Will my heart always be married? Will I ever be able to let go of the past in order to move on with the future? I am sure that one day I will be able to move onto the future and not focus on the past, I just pray that it happens soon.

Today I am going out to lunch with a friend, then to the grave and then back home to watch our wedding video. I feel that watching the video will help me to remember my wonderful husband but also to put our marriage into the past for me. This might sound harsh to some of you, but the reality is that he is no longer my husband. I will see him again but even in Heaven he will not be my husband, Jesus will take that role in my life once I am in Heaven not Jimmy.

Our First Anniversary 

I want to take the time to celebrate the wonderful husband that Jimmy was. He loved me without conditions...no matter what he loved me. I once told him that every time we hung up the phone I wanted to say "I love you"  because it could be the last time we hear it from the other one as you never know when the Lord will call you home. As Jimmy was being wheeled to the OR the day he was called home his last words were "I love you."  I believe that he knew it would be the last time I heard it and made sure that it was the last thing that he said to me.

He was so caring and a great protector. He always cared more about my feelings than he did his own. He would ask me if I felt loved all the time as he knew that when I felt loved that in turn I knew that he was taking care of me. I had to go to the dentist yesterday and get a tooth pulled and I realized this morning that Jimmy would have stayed home today with me not just because it is our anniversary but also because he would want to take care of me in my time of need. Every time I had a migraine he would make me go to bed and then he would get me everything that I needed. He would not let me get up for anything other than to use the restroom. He was so amazing.

He was a hero in my eyes! He would have done anything and everything that I needed and most of what I wanted also ;) He went to work every day no matter how much pain he was in. Even though he dealt with pain on a daily basis due to crohn's disease, he always had a smile on his face. Even when he was in the hospital with huge amounts of pain he would always say..."but God is good!!" How amazing that he could see the greatness of God no matter what. He was my hero for sure.

Jimmy made me a better me! He helped me to let go of fears, to let go of qualities that are not of God, to see people how the Lord sees them, to love without conditions, to love God more than any human being (still learning this one)...the list goes on. He only wanted the best for me and did not settle for good but made sure that I strived for great. He truly brought out the best in me and I am so thankful for him and for the fact that he helped me to become a better person.

My Best Friend

Thank you Lord for the 2 years of marriage to such an amazing man, thank you for the 3 1/2 years that I had with him, thank you for allowing me the privilege to have such an amazing hero in my life and for giving him to me to care for and to have as a best friend!! God you are so amazing!!

Our Second Anniversary

 

Operation Getting Healthy

On the exercise front...

Last week I got up at 4:30am each morning and did a one mile walking video, it was hard to get up that early but I did it Monday-Friday. I was thinking that I needed to start adding in some strength training as well. So I did some pushups (girly ones...ha ha), some abs exercises and some leg exercises. I made sure to alternate between upper and lower body as to not make my muscles hurt too much. Some pain is ok but too much will cause me to stop working out all together. It is good to know your own limitations.

On Saturday I also washed the car by hand. I know that this might not seem like that much of a workout but it sure is, especially when your short and you have to climb on the car just to reach the roof :) After I washed the car I went to the pool to just lay there in the sun and listen to music...yep I am sun burnt! You would think that I would learn to put on like spf 50 sunscreen but I never do!!  I have decided that Sunday will always be a day to rest from exercising because I need a day to let my body recover.

On the emotional front...

I have had a hard week emotionally, I suspect this is due to our 3 year wedding anniversary coming up. It is so hard to believe that last year we celebrated our 2 year anniversary together and then this year he is gone. So much can change in 365 days! Wednesday May 30th would have marked 3 years of marriage for us...what does that day mean now? I don't even know!

Please pray for me on that day as it will be a very difficult day for me. I did take the day off of work as I knew that it would be an awful day for me, so that is a blessing at least.

On the Spiritual front...

I have been praying more and reading the Bible more. I am very thankful that God has placed a friend into my life that is holding me accountable for this area of my life as I have always struggled with this. I can now feel that God is right there holding me through all of this and that He is picking up the pieces of my heart. He is healing my heart and I am so thankful that He is.

On the Creative front...

I have not done anything creative this week but I am coming up with ideas of new projects. Once I get some done I will post new pictures :)

Update on getting healthy...

Thank you all for your prayers especially the last 3-4 weeks!! I was so sick with that sinus infection that I was given 3 rounds of antibiotics and then finally 6 days of steroids also. After all of that and tons of rest and time off of work I finally am feeling better. I don't think that I am 100% yet but close to it! Due to being sick I stopped working out daily as to not run my body down anymore. I did well with food choices though as I was not in the mood to eat :)

So an update on being healthy...

Physically: I did not work out the past 2 weeks but this week I did a mile on Tuesday and Thursday. Now that I did that and do not feel sick or run down I will start on Monday doing one mile each weekday. This means that I will be getting up at 4:30am in order to work out and get ready for work in time. Please pray for me to not get sick again and also to get enough sleep to help my immune system recover.

I also started taking my vitamins again as I had stopped after Jimmy's passing. When he was alive I would put all of his meds into a pill container on Sunday so that he did not forget to take any of his pills. So when I no longer had a need to do this I forgot to take my own vitamins. So due to that and all the stress that I was under my immune system took a huge hit. I am trying to build my immune system back up now by taking my vitamins, exercise and getting enough rest.

Emotionally: I started therapy 3 weeks after Jimmy's departure to Heaven and that has been a huge help. My therapist is a widow herself so she truly understands where I am coming from and tells me often that I am normal. It has been such a blessing to be able to talk to someone that understands and knows that what I am going through is awful. I feel that emotionally I am doing much better than even 2 months ago. Praise God for His healing!!

Spiritually: The last three weeks that I have been sick I have not gone to Church, I am so happy to actually feel like going to Church tomorrow. I need that connection with God and while I can read the Bible and study on my own and pray at home as well, there is a need to worship Him with others as well. So tomorrow I will be in Church again...praise God for healing me physically in order for me to be able to go back to Church.

Creativity: I actually felt creative in the past week!! I am so excited that I actually wanted to make something look pretty! I got a spiral notebook from the dollar store and wanted to turn it into a prayer journal. Here is the outcome...

Then I while back a great friend got me a spiraled index card notebook to use for Scripture memorization and I decided to make it pretty too...

Ten Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

Psalm 23:3

He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

As I listened to my iPod on the way home last night I heard the song"When God Made You" which is the song that Jimmy and I danced to at our wedding. I was flooded with memories of our wedding and that dance. I can remember the way that he looked at me as I walked down the aisle to him, I can remember the smile on his face as we danced, I can remember the look in his eyes as we talked for the first time that day...the list goes on. If I had heard that song a month ago and all of these memories flashed before me I would have had a complete meltdown.

When I heard it yesterday I was filled with love and joy. I had been told that one day I would be able to remember Jimmy without all the pain of that dreadful day at the hospital. It looks like that is starting to happen. As I remembered our wedding day I was filled with the joy that I felt on that day, of course it is a bit different now that Jimmy is not physically here with me. However his love is and always will be in my heart. Due to this love I am able to feel the joy that I felt on that very day.

I am amazed and overwhelmed at how the Lord restores my heart and soul. I never thought that I would be able to think about Jimmy or our life together without feeling very deep pain...but here I am feeling the love and joy that I felt on our wedding day what a huge blessing. And to think it only took ten months! I thought that the pain would be my life forevermore, however God knows what is best for me and He chose to start to heal my heart. He is such an amazing God!!

Today as I remember my wonderful husband I am filled with joy, love, admiration and also with some hurt & pain. I am so thankful that I am able to draw close to God and that He will just open up His arms and let me rest in Him. What a great God we serve!!!

I do understand that I will still have meltdowns from time to time, all the pain is not gone, that my heart is not fully healed yet, that I will have times where I don't feel the love and joy however I know that this is getting to be less and less. I am so thankful to God for His healing, for His mighty love for me, for His understanding, for never leaving me or forsaking me!! I was so angry that He took Jimmy yet He loves me no matter what!

Please keep praying for Him to heal my heart, for Him to draw me closer to Himself, for me to rely on Him and not my feelings, for me to be healthy and for a desire to be healthy & for Him to guard my heart. I know He is hearing your prayers and I thank each and every one of you that have been and are praying for me. Each one of you holds a special place in my heart!

Longings on Mother's Day

I had no idea that Mother's Day would hit me so hard this year. I guess this comes from the grief of the loss of our future. Jimmy and I were planning on having children but we were having problems in that area of our life. I believe that God gave us both a desire in our hearts to adopt even before marriage because He knew what we both would deal with in our married life.

It has been my hearts to desire to be a mother for as long as I can remember, I am now seeking for the Lord to give me the desires HE has for me only. If He wants me to be a mother then He will make that happen, I just need to step back and let HIM do that. I guess what scares me is that being a mom just might not be what He wants for me.

How can this desire that I have had since childhood not be what the future holds for me? Why did I ever have that desire in the first place? Did I put that in my heart due to media and what others showed me was "right" for a little girl? Did I long to be a mother just in order to be loved unconditionally and to love unconditionally? These are questions that I need to seek the Lord about and ask for His wisdom because I know I can't trust my own feelings and heart right now. Please join me in prayer as I seek what the Lord has for me in this area of my life.

Waves of Grief

Now that I am almost ten months past Jimmy's exit to Heaven I am seeing how grief is like the waves of the ocean.

Have you been in the ocean when the water is really rough and there are a lot of waves? As the wave hits you, you are taken under and you can either struggle against the wave or you can let it take you out knowing that it will let you up again at some point. When you get hit by one sometimes you are able to stand up before the next one hits you but then other times you are not even able to stand before the next one hits you. In the beginning of the grief process the waves of grief come at you hard knocking you down just as hard. There are times when you don't have even one second to "pull yourself together" before the next wave hits even harder. Then there are times when you have a few hours or even days before the next hard wave hits. As each waves hits you it takes you under as if trying to keep you down. You start to believe that this will be your reality for the rest of your life, the life being taken out of you by each wave.

As time goes on the waves of grief seem to be more like water that could be called moderate when the waves come but not as hard or as often. You will be taken down by the waves however they will not keep you down for near as long and they will not be quite so frightening. Since they are not coming as often you have time to stand up in between the waves. The grief comes over you at times that sometimes you expect and others you don't expect. During this time it comes over you on days that were special to you and your loved one like anniversaries, holidays and so on. Then there are times when it comes at very unexpected times such as when you remember a great memory with them, or you smell their "smell" unexpectedly. At least now you have time to catch your breath before the next waves takes you under.

As you come to a point where you are even further away from the day you lost your loved one the waves of grief seem to get even further apart and much less strong. You always have time to pull yourself together and catch your breath in between the waves. Most of the time the waves hit at times when you don't expect them and you are taken by surprise but at this point you know it will not last forever as you felt in the past. You seem to have more good days than bad ones, and even start to think that maybe just maybe your life will be good again. But as the waves of the ocean are always coming you know that your grief has not come to an end, you are just learning to cope with it in a much better way.

There will come a day when you look back and think wow I have not been taken down by a wave in a long time. (I personally am not at this stage yet however I know it will come one day) The waves no longer knock you down each time they come and they come less and less. At times you can even stand while the waves comes upon you which makes catching your breath that much easier. You have far more good days than bad and start to live out the life in which God created you for, the life that you thought would never be good again. At this point you might only cry once a year when the anniversary of your loved ones departure from this earth comes around again.

You see the waves of the ocean are a great analogy for the grief process, they never stop and God is in full control of the waves. Even though grief gets easier it will never go away fully. You will always love the person you lost and there will always be a place in your heart for that person therefore the grief will not go away it will just get less and less as the waves in the ocean clam when God clams them. Time does not heal your wounds, time just makes it easier to not think about that awful day ever time you close your eyes. Nothing here on earth will every heal any of your wounds, it is ONLY God who can and will heal your wounds if you let Him. God will pick up the pieces of your heart and put them back together in His time, but He will never force that healing onto anyone. You have to be a willing participate in this healing. God is right there holding out His hand asking you to reach out to Him and let Him be in control of your life. He wants to hold you through this awful pain but you have to seek Him.

So the choice is...stay in your pain, turn to a person here on earth that will one day leave you also, turn to chemicals to help you cope with the pain...turn away from God. OR turn to God and let Him, the healer of all healers, put your heart back together. Will there still be scars on your heart from where it was put back together...yes. But those scars will give you the unique ability to help others through the pain when their heart is broken also. How beautiful is that!!

Rise Up - Matt Maher

Rise Up - Matt Maher
Check out this song...it is a really good one :)

Update on being healthy

4:30am comes very early especially when you are exercising at that crazy hour of the day. I was able to do a walking work out Monday-Thursday this week. I would have done it on Friday and Saturday also but I found out that I have a sinus infection. I was feeling awful on Thursday but I tried to go to work on Friday anyway and sure enough I was not able to make it through the entire day. I went to the doctor and she put me on antibiotics and told me to rest. I have been taking the meds and resting, however I still don't feel much better. Please pray that these symptoms go away soon as I need to work tomorrow. Also pray that I start back to exercising once this infection goes away.

On the spiritual side...

I have been praying more and I now feel closer to God. I now understand that it was me that was not close to God not Him moving away from me. I still need to work on reading His word more. I want to seek Him in everything I do and in all areas of my life. I ONLY want what HE wants for me. Please pray that I seek His will no matter what and that I find the time to read His word more often.

On the creative side...

Still have not felt like doing ANYTHING creative. I guess this will just take lots of time to get back to my creative side. Please keep praying that my creative abilities come back in some form.

Thank you all for your prayers and support...you are very much appreciated!

Moving on...one step at a time

As I watched Grey's Anatomy from this week it was an entire episode about letting go and moving on. I think in a sense I have been "stuck" in my grief. I just want to feel bad, I want everyone to feel bad with me, I don't want to let him go. I have felt like moving on is a way of dishonoring him. This view is starting to change though. I know that nothing will ever take away the relationship or the love that Jimmy and I shared. I am realizing that not only will that never be able to be taken away from me but also that it was a huge gift from God! Jimmy loved me in such a way that most women never see in their life. I am so blessed to have been able to have such an amazing husband and also such an amazing love.

I feel that the Lord is showing me ways in which I can move and a little at a time. As I cleaned the bathroom this weekend I realized that I had not really moved any of my "things" to Jimmy's side of the sink. I had already taken Jimmy's "things" off of the counter but I had left it left with only the things such as tissues and paper towels that we both used. So as I cleaned the counter off I made sure to move my "things" to both sides. It was very strange to dry my hair on "his" side of the sink. It is even weird to put anything on that side of the sink. But I did it and my life in not over, I didn't even cry (that was a huge surprise) HE gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding.

I went to use the grill this weekend also and was not able to use it. I opened it up and cleaned out the old ashes and noticed a hole in the bottom of the grill and I thought to myself "I need to get a new grill this year." Then once I started to put the charcoal into the grill the bottom fell out. This was the grill that Jimmy and I got before we got married in which he made many, many fires in. He loved to start the fire and he even tried to cook on the grill. Oh how he loved the food that we cooked on the grill. Now I will need to start a new season with a new grill.

My phone was acting up, it would drop calls all the time, the battery would not really keep a charge and it was time to upgrade anyway. So I went to the mall into the apple store to see what iPhone I could get at a discounted price. So I broke down and get the iPhone...I even got the newest one because I can speak to it and it will write my text message, my email and so on. This also made me cancel the home phone since I had to add the data plan to the cell phone. I can just see Jimmy now shaking his head at me, when we talked about him getting an iPhone it just did not work financially. The hard part is that I had to give up the last texts that Jimmy sent to me in the old phone :( But as I use the new phone everything is ok. I have not even cried about it yet. Thank the Lord that HE gave me the peace while using the new phone.

In all this has been a very productive weekend, not only going to the eye doctor and the primary care doctor but also making huge steps in moving on. I am so thankful to the Lord for helping me to see all of this in a different light. Instead of seeing this as something awful that I will never get past HE is giving me a perspective of seeing my marriage as a precious gift HE gave me for 2 years & 45 days. There is a reason that God took Jimmy from this earth, even if I can't see or understand that reason I am resting in the fact that He is God and I am NOT! He is in control and I am not and never will be. This life is HIS and I want to serve Him in every way that I can. If I had to go through this pain in order to fulfill His purpose in my life then so be it. Does it make the pain go away for good...no! Will there be times when the grief overwhelms me again...yes! But I know that He is God and I am not...He will work all of this together for my good NO MATTER WHAT! He is changing me in so many ways that would not have been possible if I had not gone through this pain and for that I am very thankful.  

9 Months down and a lifetime to go...

       WOW...I can't believe it has been 9 months! I know that to most this seems like a long time. I understand that mostly everyone else is over grieving for my wonderful husband. I know that there are people out there that "know" that I am done grieving. Well I promise you I am NOT done grieving, I am not sure I ever will be fully over this. There are certain things that I will "get over" then there are other things that will never be the same.

       As for the things that I will someday "get over" that has started to happen. It is becoming easier to go to bed without him beside me, I have started to cry less often, I have started to be able to pack up his belongings, I have been able to paint the bedrooms, I have been able to change some things on what was our bedroom & I have been able to think about memories and not just cry due to sadness and anger. The last thing that I stated is the biggest accomplishment I think. In the past 9 months I could not even think about memories of Jimmy without having a complete breakdown.

       In the past month I have been able to think of some memories that are so precious now. Thank you Lord for healing me enough to think about him without having a breakdown. There was a day that Jimmy and I went to the grocery store for ice cream and of course I wanted to use a coupon so we were looking at only the ones that I had a coupon for. Jimmy picked up a box of ice cream bars and said look we have to get this one...it has $12 worth of coupons inside the box. I was so touched by the fact that he was so excited about coupons, almost as much as me. I thought about this today and it made me smile instead of cry. It warms my heart to be able to remember him and even talk about him without crying.

       As for the things that I might never get over, that is something that I am just going to have to deal with. I will always miss my husband, there will always be a place in my heart for him, I will never forget his love for me, there will always be some amount of pain at the fact that we did not get to have our future together. As much as I am happy for the little things that a becoming easier it is hard to go on without him.

       I am so thankful that I can now remember him without a total meltdown, Praise God! Lord, you are starting to heal my heart. You are amazing God!

April 13th...

            Today marks 2years ago that Jimmy had is appendix out.  It also marks one year since Jimmy starting having pain where he later ended up in the hospital for a crohn's flair up. When he was admitted to the hospital on April 15, 2011 I said to him joking...I don't want to see what happens next April 13th. I can't believe that this is where I am now. In one year my life has changed so much, marital status, my job status, all of my relationships...everything.

            As I look back on the statement that I made to him...I don't want to see what happens next April 13th...I am a bit overwhelmed. The life I have now is so different than what my life looked like a year ago. I never would have said something like that even joking if I had known what was going to happen. I know that he knew I loved him no matter if we were in the hospital or not, but I would have just said I love you instead of joking about what could happen the next year.

            I don't think that this has anything to do with the fact that he is gone, I don't regret any of our time together at all, but there are some things that I wish were done different. We had thought about not taking a honeymoon until our 10 year anniversary I am so thankful we went 6 months after instead. There are things like this that did happen during our marriage that I am very grateful for. We had a great one year anniversary celebration with friends and family and we even got to go on a trip as well. God really knew what He was doing and I praise Him for what He gave me in my marriage.

            Jimmy told me each and every day just how much he loved me, they were even the last words out of his mouth. What more can I ask for in a husband? He was truly the best husband in the world for me and I thank God for everything Jimmy was to me. He made me a better person just by loving me unconditionally, and the love he had for the Lord. Thank you Lord for giving me such a precious gift.

   

Reflecting on the last year

As I reflect on how my life was a year ago and I am so overwhelmed. How can someone's life change so much in one year! How can you go from being happy, healthy, part of a great church, married, in love, hopeful of a future, being a stay at home wife...to the next year all of that is just gone? How does that even happen? How is it that God sees fit to wipe all of that out of a person's life?

There are times that I feel like he gives just so he can take away...before any of you try to give me Scripture that says otherwise just try to put yourself in my shoes. Jimmy was diagnosed with Crohn's disease in Feb, the same day they cut my hours really bad at work. My job was taken away pretty much in February...yes this made it possible for me to stay at home more and I was very thankful for that as well, especially in hind sight. Then Jimmy and I started a photography business, in which Jimmy was the brains of and now is no longer going to be in existence. My husband was taken in July, his family to follow, and my church family to follow that. Yes in this time the LORD did give me a new job to support myself and to help me heal, friends that have been there through thick and thin...but I feel like way more has been taken at this point.

It is hard to look back on the past year and not be upset. I know that my status here on Earth is not dependant on my marital status, my career or the family that I am a part of. I know that no matter what is taken away from me here on Earth my status in Heaven does not change. I am the daughter of the King of Kings no matter if I am a wife, mother, sister or business woman. Sometimes it is hard to remember that I am HIS no matter what is lost here in this world. I need all of you in my life to help me get through this huge trial in my life. I want to thank each of you for your prayers, love and support. I am blessed to have each of you in my life.