18 Months down and a lifetime to go...

I can't believe it has already been a year and a half without my wonderful husband. I have been looking at pictures the last few days and I miss him so much. It is so hard to believe how God has changed my path so many times in my life. Last year at this time I did not want my birthday to even come and this year I am so looking forward to it.

A year ago at this time I was in so much pain I could not see past my own pain. I am so thankful to the Lord that he changed my path. I am no longer in pain daily, I have a future to look forward to & I have love in my heart again. The Lord is so good!

I am so thankful that I did not let satan win when I wanted to give up and turn my back on God. I am so blessed that the Lord has not given up on me. He is so amazing and so loving.

It is not easy to move on with your life when the one you thought was going to spend the rest of that life with you is gone, however it is necessary to do so. Jimmy would want for me to move on as he would want me to be happy and not just mope. I am sure Jimmy is happy for me if he can see me now.

I have moved to Tennessee, met an amazing man who loves me unconditionally and married him. I have been thinking about going back to school for my master's degree...as of now we have to figure out a way to pay for that if that is the route God has for me. My future is looking up and I am so grateful to God for that.

So much has changed in the last two years...sometimes I am overwhelmed when I think about all that has changed. But I am always thankful for those that stuck by my through thick and thin and prayed for me all the time. I am so thankful for my amazing friends that the Lord have given to me. I am also thankful for my family and the new family that the Lord have given me!

I am so blessed!!

Some Realizations...

First you find out who really cares about you when you say you are moving. Some people want to see me then others would be ok if I had moved yesterday. When I turned in my resignation at work they told me that they would pay through the end of the month when I said I would work until but that I did not need to come back in to work. Therefore Monday was my last day working, there have only been a few people get in contact with me from work.

It will be good to see who my real friends are through this move. There is no need for me to continue to keep people in my life that don't really care about me. It will be good to start this new chapter in my life with those people who truly want the best for me.

The next thing I noticed is that my appetite is back!! To be honest I had not realized that I did not really have any appetite until it came back this week. As I think back it has been since Jimmy passed away that I have not had my "real" appetite. I didn't care about what food I ate or if I even ate at all. Since I have been off of work I have been hungry nonstop & I actually know what food I want to eat!!

I am thankful that I now have an appetite because it was a struggle to eat when I had no idea what I wanted to eat. Yesterday I had red beans and rice and it tasted great!! I made French toast this morning for breakfast and also had cereal for a snack. I am looking forward to cooking again and eating as well. It is so awesome to feel somewhat "normal" again.

Yesterday I set a goal for myself to do something creative. I didn't want to set a goal something specific just that I do something. So I started crocheting a scarf for myself. It has been so long since I needed a scarf so the thought it would be fun to make one for this year. Of course it is purple! I picked out this yarn awhile ago and it is 4 shades of purple...I love it! I am going to see if I can also teach myself how to make a hat so I can have a hat to match.

 

I really  hope this is the start of me being creative again for good. I have missed being creative so much and it is so nice to do something creative now. I am also enjoying actually knowing what I want to eat and having the desire to cook. I am so thankful to the LORD for helping me to find a "new normal"!!!

13 Months Down & A Lifetime to go...

Every other month as the 15th was approaching I would become more depressed and anxious. This month I was not nearly as depressed or anxious. So I thought that today would not be that bad however it was a very stressful day. On the bright side today was not all about me thinking about not having Jimmy with me.

I am thankful that my mind was not focused on what I have lost that is a huge blessing!!  I do miss Jimmy very much but I find myself not really focusing on that as much anymore. I am happy that Jimmy is in a better place, that he has no pain, that he can eat whatever he wants, he can sing at the top of his lungs...and so on. He is so happy that I can't even imagine how happy he is.

I have learned so much about myself in the past 13 months. I am much stronger than I thought I was but only through the strength of Christ! I am the type of person that likes things to be easy, normally when things are not easy I run the other way. I don't like to not be in control, it causes a lot of anxiety for me when I don't know what comes next. It is hard for me to trust anything without knowing the plan and also accepting the plan.

{ Things I need to work on }

Trust -- on God and authority

Staying when things are not as I planned

Letting go of my plan

Leaning on God for my strength

{ Please join me in praying for God to help me in all of these areas. }

The positive side of eating out alone...

There are a few pluses to eating out alone and I just wanted to share them...

1. You can sit wherever you want to.

2. There is no such thing as double dipping when you are the only one eating something.

3. No mindless chatter.

4. No one to eat your food because yours is better than theirs.

5. The entire desert is yours.

6. When the food comes out it is hot because you did not have to wait for anything else to be cooked.

7. You can play with your phone and text as much as you want to.

8. You can read a book and it is not considered rude.

9. You are treated like a queen (or king) by the server.

10. The bill is less.

I got to eat this all by myself!!!

Looking at things from another perspective...

While I have been in Punta Cana I have been forced to see the blessings in my life. I have talked to some of the staff and I can't believe what they go through just to work. First of all they all work for 12 days straight then only have 3 days off. Some of them live off of the property and the ones that do travel  45 minutes just to get to work and back. And from what I have seen the mode of transportation is a bus so they have to wait for a bus to pick them up as well on the way back home. And the ride is not what you would call smooth...haha.  The ones that live here are here for the 12 days without their family. They have a room to stay in here on property and while I have not seen one of them I am sure it is nothing like mine. One of the staff told me that they are not even air conditioned (I feel the need to clarify that he was not complaining I asked if they had AC).

 I am hot in my room with the AC on and the fan blowing straight on me. The humidity is awful here I feel sticky no matter what I do. I can't imagine sleeping without AC in this climate. When Jimmy and I both had jobs we came home to each other at night, we did not stay at our work place for 12 days without the other one. We did not have to leave children with our parents in order to even have a job. I can't imagine the stress of leaving your family behind just to support them, or the stress of both people working and still not having enough to make ends meet.

I have been a bit stressed out at work the past month or so but I am sure it does not even compare to the stress that the locals here deal with on a daily basis. I am sure their wages are nothing compared to even what people get on welfare in the States. And yet I never hear one complaint. They are happy to have a job at all!

When you see the way other people live in a 3rd world country you are forced to count your own blessings for sure.

One year down and a lifetime to go...

I really can't believe it has been a year without the love of my life. I remember thinking that this day would never come. Yet here it is July 15, 2012...I feel a bit speechless. On one hand I just want this day to be done and over with on the other hand I am sitting on the beach looking out at the water thinking I need to enjoy this as much as possible.

at 7am I was woken up to no power in my room therefore I was sweating when I woke up...I look at this as God's way of telling me to not sit and wallow in my room all day long. So I came out to the beach to write this long awaited blog post. I feel a sense of calm and peace as I sit here alone with the beautiful wind blowing against me & the smell of the salt water in the air. Thank you Lord for this peace!

As I was driven to this resort I could not help but think that Jimmy would have loved the adventure of the hour long drive over bumpy roads all while dodging bikers, horses and the occasional oncoming bus. He would have seen this as fun, I saw this as miserable due to my motion sickness but I tried to make the best of it by talking to the guy sitting next to me that worked for the travel company.  This is also something Jimmy would have done...talk to anyone and everyone. I find myself doing that more and more, talking to strangers. I am gaining the love of others that he had and I am very thankful for that. Again I praise God for changing my character as there is much to be changed in me.

On Friday I went to a memorial lunch in honor of Jimmy it was so hard for me to go however I think it was good for me to be able to talk to people that could reminisce about who he was with me.  This lunch was at his workplace which is connected to the hospital where he died. I can't even explain the hurt in my heart when I saw that hospital again. As I drove there I had 2-3 small panic attacks and cried almost the entire way in the pouring down rain. I am blessed that I made it alive...praise God again He has kept me safe this year!!

I think that today is not going to be as bad as Friday was as that day felt more like the one year anniversary as he died on a Friday. I am going to make the most of this trip and honor Jimmy by going outside of my character a little bit and being adventurous. We will see what I translate that to...maybe just taking some of the classes offered here, maybe finding some kind of tour I can go on or maybe skydiving...ha ha.  We shall see.

Please be praying that I do whatever the Lord has for me, I change whatever I need to in order to become more like HIM, that I deal with anything that the Lord wants me to deal with and that my heart is put back together by HIM and HIM alone. Pray that I let HIM guide my next step onto whatever HE has for me. I want to be in HIS will not my own.

3 Years of Marriage

Since I am not legally married anymore I guess that today isn't really my wedding anniversary, however my heart is still married.

{The heart is a funny thing...it does not pay attention to the law.}

How can it be that I am not really married but my heart is still married? Will my heart always be married? Will I ever be able to let go of the past in order to move on with the future? I am sure that one day I will be able to move onto the future and not focus on the past, I just pray that it happens soon.

Today I am going out to lunch with a friend, then to the grave and then back home to watch our wedding video. I feel that watching the video will help me to remember my wonderful husband but also to put our marriage into the past for me. This might sound harsh to some of you, but the reality is that he is no longer my husband. I will see him again but even in Heaven he will not be my husband, Jesus will take that role in my life once I am in Heaven not Jimmy.

Our First Anniversary 

I want to take the time to celebrate the wonderful husband that Jimmy was. He loved me without conditions...no matter what he loved me. I once told him that every time we hung up the phone I wanted to say "I love you"  because it could be the last time we hear it from the other one as you never know when the Lord will call you home. As Jimmy was being wheeled to the OR the day he was called home his last words were "I love you."  I believe that he knew it would be the last time I heard it and made sure that it was the last thing that he said to me.

He was so caring and a great protector. He always cared more about my feelings than he did his own. He would ask me if I felt loved all the time as he knew that when I felt loved that in turn I knew that he was taking care of me. I had to go to the dentist yesterday and get a tooth pulled and I realized this morning that Jimmy would have stayed home today with me not just because it is our anniversary but also because he would want to take care of me in my time of need. Every time I had a migraine he would make me go to bed and then he would get me everything that I needed. He would not let me get up for anything other than to use the restroom. He was so amazing.

He was a hero in my eyes! He would have done anything and everything that I needed and most of what I wanted also ;) He went to work every day no matter how much pain he was in. Even though he dealt with pain on a daily basis due to crohn's disease, he always had a smile on his face. Even when he was in the hospital with huge amounts of pain he would always say..."but God is good!!" How amazing that he could see the greatness of God no matter what. He was my hero for sure.

Jimmy made me a better me! He helped me to let go of fears, to let go of qualities that are not of God, to see people how the Lord sees them, to love without conditions, to love God more than any human being (still learning this one)...the list goes on. He only wanted the best for me and did not settle for good but made sure that I strived for great. He truly brought out the best in me and I am so thankful for him and for the fact that he helped me to become a better person.

My Best Friend

Thank you Lord for the 2 years of marriage to such an amazing man, thank you for the 3 1/2 years that I had with him, thank you for allowing me the privilege to have such an amazing hero in my life and for giving him to me to care for and to have as a best friend!! God you are so amazing!!

Our Second Anniversary

 

Update on getting healthy...

Thank you all for your prayers especially the last 3-4 weeks!! I was so sick with that sinus infection that I was given 3 rounds of antibiotics and then finally 6 days of steroids also. After all of that and tons of rest and time off of work I finally am feeling better. I don't think that I am 100% yet but close to it! Due to being sick I stopped working out daily as to not run my body down anymore. I did well with food choices though as I was not in the mood to eat :)

So an update on being healthy...

Physically: I did not work out the past 2 weeks but this week I did a mile on Tuesday and Thursday. Now that I did that and do not feel sick or run down I will start on Monday doing one mile each weekday. This means that I will be getting up at 4:30am in order to work out and get ready for work in time. Please pray for me to not get sick again and also to get enough sleep to help my immune system recover.

I also started taking my vitamins again as I had stopped after Jimmy's passing. When he was alive I would put all of his meds into a pill container on Sunday so that he did not forget to take any of his pills. So when I no longer had a need to do this I forgot to take my own vitamins. So due to that and all the stress that I was under my immune system took a huge hit. I am trying to build my immune system back up now by taking my vitamins, exercise and getting enough rest.

Emotionally: I started therapy 3 weeks after Jimmy's departure to Heaven and that has been a huge help. My therapist is a widow herself so she truly understands where I am coming from and tells me often that I am normal. It has been such a blessing to be able to talk to someone that understands and knows that what I am going through is awful. I feel that emotionally I am doing much better than even 2 months ago. Praise God for His healing!!

Spiritually: The last three weeks that I have been sick I have not gone to Church, I am so happy to actually feel like going to Church tomorrow. I need that connection with God and while I can read the Bible and study on my own and pray at home as well, there is a need to worship Him with others as well. So tomorrow I will be in Church again...praise God for healing me physically in order for me to be able to go back to Church.

Creativity: I actually felt creative in the past week!! I am so excited that I actually wanted to make something look pretty! I got a spiral notebook from the dollar store and wanted to turn it into a prayer journal. Here is the outcome...

Then I while back a great friend got me a spiraled index card notebook to use for Scripture memorization and I decided to make it pretty too...

Ten Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

Psalm 23:3

He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

As I listened to my iPod on the way home last night I heard the song"When God Made You" which is the song that Jimmy and I danced to at our wedding. I was flooded with memories of our wedding and that dance. I can remember the way that he looked at me as I walked down the aisle to him, I can remember the smile on his face as we danced, I can remember the look in his eyes as we talked for the first time that day...the list goes on. If I had heard that song a month ago and all of these memories flashed before me I would have had a complete meltdown.

When I heard it yesterday I was filled with love and joy. I had been told that one day I would be able to remember Jimmy without all the pain of that dreadful day at the hospital. It looks like that is starting to happen. As I remembered our wedding day I was filled with the joy that I felt on that day, of course it is a bit different now that Jimmy is not physically here with me. However his love is and always will be in my heart. Due to this love I am able to feel the joy that I felt on that very day.

I am amazed and overwhelmed at how the Lord restores my heart and soul. I never thought that I would be able to think about Jimmy or our life together without feeling very deep pain...but here I am feeling the love and joy that I felt on our wedding day what a huge blessing. And to think it only took ten months! I thought that the pain would be my life forevermore, however God knows what is best for me and He chose to start to heal my heart. He is such an amazing God!!

Today as I remember my wonderful husband I am filled with joy, love, admiration and also with some hurt & pain. I am so thankful that I am able to draw close to God and that He will just open up His arms and let me rest in Him. What a great God we serve!!!

I do understand that I will still have meltdowns from time to time, all the pain is not gone, that my heart is not fully healed yet, that I will have times where I don't feel the love and joy however I know that this is getting to be less and less. I am so thankful to God for His healing, for His mighty love for me, for His understanding, for never leaving me or forsaking me!! I was so angry that He took Jimmy yet He loves me no matter what!

Please keep praying for Him to heal my heart, for Him to draw me closer to Himself, for me to rely on Him and not my feelings, for me to be healthy and for a desire to be healthy & for Him to guard my heart. I know He is hearing your prayers and I thank each and every one of you that have been and are praying for me. Each one of you holds a special place in my heart!

Moving on...one step at a time

As I watched Grey's Anatomy from this week it was an entire episode about letting go and moving on. I think in a sense I have been "stuck" in my grief. I just want to feel bad, I want everyone to feel bad with me, I don't want to let him go. I have felt like moving on is a way of dishonoring him. This view is starting to change though. I know that nothing will ever take away the relationship or the love that Jimmy and I shared. I am realizing that not only will that never be able to be taken away from me but also that it was a huge gift from God! Jimmy loved me in such a way that most women never see in their life. I am so blessed to have been able to have such an amazing husband and also such an amazing love.

I feel that the Lord is showing me ways in which I can move and a little at a time. As I cleaned the bathroom this weekend I realized that I had not really moved any of my "things" to Jimmy's side of the sink. I had already taken Jimmy's "things" off of the counter but I had left it left with only the things such as tissues and paper towels that we both used. So as I cleaned the counter off I made sure to move my "things" to both sides. It was very strange to dry my hair on "his" side of the sink. It is even weird to put anything on that side of the sink. But I did it and my life in not over, I didn't even cry (that was a huge surprise) HE gave me a peace that surpasses all understanding.

I went to use the grill this weekend also and was not able to use it. I opened it up and cleaned out the old ashes and noticed a hole in the bottom of the grill and I thought to myself "I need to get a new grill this year." Then once I started to put the charcoal into the grill the bottom fell out. This was the grill that Jimmy and I got before we got married in which he made many, many fires in. He loved to start the fire and he even tried to cook on the grill. Oh how he loved the food that we cooked on the grill. Now I will need to start a new season with a new grill.

My phone was acting up, it would drop calls all the time, the battery would not really keep a charge and it was time to upgrade anyway. So I went to the mall into the apple store to see what iPhone I could get at a discounted price. So I broke down and get the iPhone...I even got the newest one because I can speak to it and it will write my text message, my email and so on. This also made me cancel the home phone since I had to add the data plan to the cell phone. I can just see Jimmy now shaking his head at me, when we talked about him getting an iPhone it just did not work financially. The hard part is that I had to give up the last texts that Jimmy sent to me in the old phone :( But as I use the new phone everything is ok. I have not even cried about it yet. Thank the Lord that HE gave me the peace while using the new phone.

In all this has been a very productive weekend, not only going to the eye doctor and the primary care doctor but also making huge steps in moving on. I am so thankful to the Lord for helping me to see all of this in a different light. Instead of seeing this as something awful that I will never get past HE is giving me a perspective of seeing my marriage as a precious gift HE gave me for 2 years & 45 days. There is a reason that God took Jimmy from this earth, even if I can't see or understand that reason I am resting in the fact that He is God and I am NOT! He is in control and I am not and never will be. This life is HIS and I want to serve Him in every way that I can. If I had to go through this pain in order to fulfill His purpose in my life then so be it. Does it make the pain go away for good...no! Will there be times when the grief overwhelms me again...yes! But I know that He is God and I am not...He will work all of this together for my good NO MATTER WHAT! He is changing me in so many ways that would not have been possible if I had not gone through this pain and for that I am very thankful.  

Back at it again...getting healthy

Update on getting healthy:

After my 2 mile walk outside 2 weeks ago my heart was racing for at least an hour after. So I went to see the Dr. today. She told me that it is still safe to exercise but to ensure that I slowly build up to make sure that I am not putting too much stress on my heart. So I think that for the next month I will be doing my in-home walking video or taking a short walk outside.

As for food choices...I have been doing pretty well. Going into the clearance Easter candy aisle was a huge mistake last week though. Please keep my in your prayers as I seek to not even bring the sweets into the house. When it comes to chocolate I have zero will power. I have been thinking about doing a fast. I am thinking that I might eat only veggies, beans, rice and dairy for at least a week. I think that my body could use a fast of sugar/starch, I think this will also help me to not crave sugar so much also. Please keep that in your prayers as well, that if this is what the Lord wants me to do that He will show me clearly.

As for creativity...I got my colored pencils in but have yet to use them. I have been cooking more though which is also an outlet for creativity for me. I made Saag Paneer http://allrecipes.com/recipe/absolutely-perfect-palak-paneer/ this week and it turned out great. It was the first time that I made it and I am happy with how well it turned out. Who knows it just might be a staple if I start the fast :)

The Spiritual side...I have been slacking on reading the Bible daily and even praying. Please keep praying for me to seek the Lord no matter what and even if it means that I have to get up early. Please pray that the Lord would give me the strength to get through each day, that I seek the Lord in all I do and for safety as I start exercising on a regular basis.

9 Months down and a lifetime to go...

       WOW...I can't believe it has been 9 months! I know that to most this seems like a long time. I understand that mostly everyone else is over grieving for my wonderful husband. I know that there are people out there that "know" that I am done grieving. Well I promise you I am NOT done grieving, I am not sure I ever will be fully over this. There are certain things that I will "get over" then there are other things that will never be the same.

       As for the things that I will someday "get over" that has started to happen. It is becoming easier to go to bed without him beside me, I have started to cry less often, I have started to be able to pack up his belongings, I have been able to paint the bedrooms, I have been able to change some things on what was our bedroom & I have been able to think about memories and not just cry due to sadness and anger. The last thing that I stated is the biggest accomplishment I think. In the past 9 months I could not even think about memories of Jimmy without having a complete breakdown.

       In the past month I have been able to think of some memories that are so precious now. Thank you Lord for healing me enough to think about him without having a breakdown. There was a day that Jimmy and I went to the grocery store for ice cream and of course I wanted to use a coupon so we were looking at only the ones that I had a coupon for. Jimmy picked up a box of ice cream bars and said look we have to get this one...it has $12 worth of coupons inside the box. I was so touched by the fact that he was so excited about coupons, almost as much as me. I thought about this today and it made me smile instead of cry. It warms my heart to be able to remember him and even talk about him without crying.

       As for the things that I might never get over, that is something that I am just going to have to deal with. I will always miss my husband, there will always be a place in my heart for him, I will never forget his love for me, there will always be some amount of pain at the fact that we did not get to have our future together. As much as I am happy for the little things that a becoming easier it is hard to go on without him.

       I am so thankful that I can now remember him without a total meltdown, Praise God! Lord, you are starting to heal my heart. You are amazing God!

April 13th...

            Today marks 2years ago that Jimmy had is appendix out.  It also marks one year since Jimmy starting having pain where he later ended up in the hospital for a crohn's flair up. When he was admitted to the hospital on April 15, 2011 I said to him joking...I don't want to see what happens next April 13th. I can't believe that this is where I am now. In one year my life has changed so much, marital status, my job status, all of my relationships...everything.

            As I look back on the statement that I made to him...I don't want to see what happens next April 13th...I am a bit overwhelmed. The life I have now is so different than what my life looked like a year ago. I never would have said something like that even joking if I had known what was going to happen. I know that he knew I loved him no matter if we were in the hospital or not, but I would have just said I love you instead of joking about what could happen the next year.

            I don't think that this has anything to do with the fact that he is gone, I don't regret any of our time together at all, but there are some things that I wish were done different. We had thought about not taking a honeymoon until our 10 year anniversary I am so thankful we went 6 months after instead. There are things like this that did happen during our marriage that I am very grateful for. We had a great one year anniversary celebration with friends and family and we even got to go on a trip as well. God really knew what He was doing and I praise Him for what He gave me in my marriage.

            Jimmy told me each and every day just how much he loved me, they were even the last words out of his mouth. What more can I ask for in a husband? He was truly the best husband in the world for me and I thank God for everything Jimmy was to me. He made me a better person just by loving me unconditionally, and the love he had for the Lord. Thank you Lord for giving me such a precious gift.

   

Reflecting on the last year

As I reflect on how my life was a year ago and I am so overwhelmed. How can someone's life change so much in one year! How can you go from being happy, healthy, part of a great church, married, in love, hopeful of a future, being a stay at home wife...to the next year all of that is just gone? How does that even happen? How is it that God sees fit to wipe all of that out of a person's life?

There are times that I feel like he gives just so he can take away...before any of you try to give me Scripture that says otherwise just try to put yourself in my shoes. Jimmy was diagnosed with Crohn's disease in Feb, the same day they cut my hours really bad at work. My job was taken away pretty much in February...yes this made it possible for me to stay at home more and I was very thankful for that as well, especially in hind sight. Then Jimmy and I started a photography business, in which Jimmy was the brains of and now is no longer going to be in existence. My husband was taken in July, his family to follow, and my church family to follow that. Yes in this time the LORD did give me a new job to support myself and to help me heal, friends that have been there through thick and thin...but I feel like way more has been taken at this point.

It is hard to look back on the past year and not be upset. I know that my status here on Earth is not dependant on my marital status, my career or the family that I am a part of. I know that no matter what is taken away from me here on Earth my status in Heaven does not change. I am the daughter of the King of Kings no matter if I am a wife, mother, sister or business woman. Sometimes it is hard to remember that I am HIS no matter what is lost here in this world. I need all of you in my life to help me get through this huge trial in my life. I want to thank each of you for your prayers, love and support. I am blessed to have each of you in my life.

Week 2 getting healthy...

The exercise thing...

I vacuumed the entire house in 45-60min, I took a 2mile walk outside (it felt great), washed the car. The car washing brought up memories of Jimmy and I doing this task together and I was actually able to smile at the memories, thank God for that! The car could use being washed again because I missed some spots but I will get to that next weekend again, this saves money by not going to a car wash...by not going somewhere to tan...and also gives me exercise...I call that win, win, win!!!

Food this week...

I think I did pretty well but I have been craving sweets far too much so I did "cheat" so to speak.  I have been eating a lot of Mediterranean food and love it...tastes good and good for you!

On the creative side of things...

I have been trying to find a way in which I want to be creative again since it has been hard for me to make cards and take pictures. So I was thinking that I have not drawn since I was in high school or maybe college (the early years ;). I am going to try to draw one of the pictures I have of Max that I just love. So I went to Hobby Lobby to get some colored pencils and oh my was I shocked at the prices they want. So I went onto Amazon and found the same thing for more than half the price...so I ordered them!! I can't wait to get started on a picture of my wonderful "son". I will keep you updated on my progress :)

On the Spiritual side of things...

I have been reading the Bible daily, and writing in my prayer journal most days. I am starting to seek the LORD again on a daily basis and I know it is helping in my everyday life. Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. They are so much needed at this time. Please keep praying for my motivation in all areas of my life, for my creativity to come back in whatever form the LORD wants, for me to walk the path the HE has for me and seek HIM in all that I do. I am so blessed to be able to call each of your friend, thank you for sticking by me as I walk through this difficult journey.

Looking forward to a vacation...

After alot of thinking, praying and consideration I have decided to go on a week long vacation for the one year anniversary of Jimmy's departure to Heaven. I went to AAA to see what I could find that was on a beach, few people and all inclusive...well I found it!!! I will be going to the Dominican Republic, Punta Cana for an entire week...Praise God I found such a great place. They only have a total of 51 guest rooms and a private beach so I might actually get to sit on the beach with very few people...that is exactly what I was looking for!

http://www.zoetryresorts.com/agua/

See the one chair all by itself...that is where I plan to sit all day long ;)

I get to eat in one of 3 restaurants...this is one of them.

The swimming pool

I am so blessed to be able to go on this trip...Praise God for his never ending love and blessings. 

March is here!!!

I came to a realization yesterday...February is OVER!!! Praise God that I lived through the hardest month of grief so far!! It is a relief for March to come this year. February was a very emotionally draining month for me, I am looking forward to this month not being as emotionally draining. On Saturday a friend came over and helped me paint the two bedrooms in my house...Thank God for friends!! Both of the bedrooms look so much different and I love them both now. They are rearranged and have new bedding...I will post pictures as soon as I get everything back into place :)  

Please keep praying that the LORD continue to give me His peace through this awful time of grief for me. Also that He would put the desires into my heart that He has for me and that I would follow His will through those desires. I want to thank you all for your constant love, prayer & support I can't even begin to explain how much each one of you means to me. I know that there are days it is as if I am floating around on your prayers...thank you so much as they are very much needed!!

Leap day...oh how I am glad you only come every 4 years!!

As I reflect on this day 4 years ago I am overwhelmed with feelings. I am sad without a doubt, as Jimmy and I met 4 years ago today. It is very hard to deal with the fact that he is not here to celebrate this day with me as we were trying to plan something special for this day. Yet today I feel a sense of with the plan that God has given to me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God had me meet Jimmy  in 2008 and marry him the following year. He brought so much joy to my life, so much laughter, so much encouragement and the list goes on.

He balanced me in so many ways some of which I didn't even know needed to be balanced. With Jimmy there were no misspelled words, the checkbook was always balanced, trips were planned very early, the clothes were always put away, there was less clutter in the house, the paperwork was always done...oh how I miss those things. He really was the best husband in the world for me, what a joy to be loved so completely by someone. He knew me better than anyone and completed me in so many ways.

Today I reflect on how much of a blessing he was to me. If God would have told me that Jimmy would be gone just two years and forty-five days after we became one I still would have married him. I have a peace about not having Jimmy here now. It does not take away the pain, it does not make me happy that he is gone, it does not change the fact that I am still grieving, it simply makes all of these things easier to go through. God does not promise to take away our pain or trial he simply promises that he will be right there with you and walk through it with you.

I am the type of person that has to have some sort of deadline in order for me to actually do something. I set a deadline for myself that today I would either change my relationship status on facebook or I would take my rings off. So to meet this deadline I took my rings off, I did not feel ready for my relationship status to change. As of now my rings have not been on for about nine hours and I have not had one panic attack, the world has not ended, I do not feel super stressed about not having them on either but my finger sure does feel naked. This does not change the fact that I still FEEL married, but it is one tiny step in moving to the next stage in my life.

Please keep praying for peace to come, for the depression to subside, for a desire in me to honor God through all that I do, for my fears to subside & for me to have hope for my future again. I want to thank each one of you that read this and pray for me and support me no matter what. I love you and am very thankful for each of you.

7 Months down & a lifetime to go...

Today marks 7 months without the love of my life. Yesterday was the first Valentine's day without him also...as I started this month thinking about these two days being in the same week I was so overwhelmed I could not think straight. As I woke up yesterday I had a complete meltdown, then another meltdown on the way to work, yet another meltdown while I was at work, I left work an hour early because I could not pretend to be happy anymore this led me to my husband's grave. As I stood there my thought was...really what 32 year old "celebrates" valentine's day standing at a grave?

I went and bought the brightest flowers I could find at the store as I laid them next to his name on the tombstone something just clicked inside of me. I was standing over what remains of my husband on this earth...never thought that would give me so much comfort. So many times I have been told that Jimmy is in heaven or that I will see him again some would think that this would be of comfort for me however it just makes me even more angry.

You see this all implies that Jimmy IS alive just not with me here on earth. While I know this IS the TRUTH it is not what comforts me at this time. He is alive but he is not with me where I really want him to be. Yes this is my flesh talking I do know that...but I am human. What did comfort me yesterday was that the part of Jimmy that remains here on this earth is exactly not what  I want right now. This helps the longing to be in Heaven right now subside. Yesterday I was given a peace that only God can give. Even though it came in a way that most people would not expect. I thank the Lord for this comfort.

Today as I woke up I had this feeling that I really did not want to go to work today. I now know that this was just an attack of satan. I planned to go eat dinner at one of the homes at my work place. It had been scheduled since last week and when I woke up this morning I just feel overwhelmed by the fact that I "had" to go do this tonight. I just felt this need to back out. I am very thankful that I chose to go to work today. When one of the guys that I teach saw me he said (with a ton of excitement) "you are eating dinner at my house tonight." How can you not want to go when this is how you are greeted first thing in the morning?

While I was at their home I was shown every person's room, the chickens outside and the love of Christ. These men welcomed me with open arms, they did not care what I looked like, what kind of shoes I had on, if I had makeup on, if I said everything perfect and so on. They just loved me due to the fact that I wanted to spend time with them in their home. How sweet is the love of these wonderful men who showed me the love of Jesus through their actions. I am blessed to be working where I am, thank you LORD!!!  So while it was a hard day for me it was so good to see God's love for me through the wonderful men.

Why

I have so many questions and very few of them have answers. Sometimes I feel as if the questions will overtake me.

Why Jimmy of all the husbands in the world?

Why not a man who was beating his wife and children?

Why is this my cross to bear?

Why am I left with no children?

Why was there no warning that Jimmy would pass away on July 15th?

Why am I in Houston with no family?

Why are there people that refuse to talk to me now that Jimmy is gone?

Why did God not take me in place of Jimmy (I would have gladly given my life for his)?

Why do I feel worse 5 1/2 months later then the day he passed away?

Why does it feel like I was torn in half with a gaping hole that is left to be healed?

Why do I have to see couples together everywhere I go?

Why do I have to start this year being a widow?

Why was Jimmy not healed here on Earth?

Why did God let me meet him marry him and then take him away so soon?

Why give me true love only to rip it out from under me?

Why me?

WHY..........WHY.........WHY..........WHY?

The only answer I have from the whole list is why I am left with no children...I asked God to not make me a single mother. He showed me His mercy in that small way...that I would not become a single mother. Thank you Lord for this small blessing. I pray that the LORD Himself give me comfort even through all the questions. I know that I might not ever know the answers until I am with Jesus and I have to become content with that.