18 Months down and a lifetime to go...

I can't believe it has already been a year and a half without my wonderful husband. I have been looking at pictures the last few days and I miss him so much. It is so hard to believe how God has changed my path so many times in my life. Last year at this time I did not want my birthday to even come and this year I am so looking forward to it.

A year ago at this time I was in so much pain I could not see past my own pain. I am so thankful to the Lord that he changed my path. I am no longer in pain daily, I have a future to look forward to & I have love in my heart again. The Lord is so good!

I am so thankful that I did not let satan win when I wanted to give up and turn my back on God. I am so blessed that the Lord has not given up on me. He is so amazing and so loving.

It is not easy to move on with your life when the one you thought was going to spend the rest of that life with you is gone, however it is necessary to do so. Jimmy would want for me to move on as he would want me to be happy and not just mope. I am sure Jimmy is happy for me if he can see me now.

I have moved to Tennessee, met an amazing man who loves me unconditionally and married him. I have been thinking about going back to school for my master's degree...as of now we have to figure out a way to pay for that if that is the route God has for me. My future is looking up and I am so grateful to God for that.

So much has changed in the last two years...sometimes I am overwhelmed when I think about all that has changed. But I am always thankful for those that stuck by my through thick and thin and prayed for me all the time. I am so thankful for my amazing friends that the Lord have given to me. I am also thankful for my family and the new family that the Lord have given me!

I am so blessed!!

Some Realizations...

First you find out who really cares about you when you say you are moving. Some people want to see me then others would be ok if I had moved yesterday. When I turned in my resignation at work they told me that they would pay through the end of the month when I said I would work until but that I did not need to come back in to work. Therefore Monday was my last day working, there have only been a few people get in contact with me from work.

It will be good to see who my real friends are through this move. There is no need for me to continue to keep people in my life that don't really care about me. It will be good to start this new chapter in my life with those people who truly want the best for me.

The next thing I noticed is that my appetite is back!! To be honest I had not realized that I did not really have any appetite until it came back this week. As I think back it has been since Jimmy passed away that I have not had my "real" appetite. I didn't care about what food I ate or if I even ate at all. Since I have been off of work I have been hungry nonstop & I actually know what food I want to eat!!

I am thankful that I now have an appetite because it was a struggle to eat when I had no idea what I wanted to eat. Yesterday I had red beans and rice and it tasted great!! I made French toast this morning for breakfast and also had cereal for a snack. I am looking forward to cooking again and eating as well. It is so awesome to feel somewhat "normal" again.

Yesterday I set a goal for myself to do something creative. I didn't want to set a goal something specific just that I do something. So I started crocheting a scarf for myself. It has been so long since I needed a scarf so the thought it would be fun to make one for this year. Of course it is purple! I picked out this yarn awhile ago and it is 4 shades of purple...I love it! I am going to see if I can also teach myself how to make a hat so I can have a hat to match.

 

I really  hope this is the start of me being creative again for good. I have missed being creative so much and it is so nice to do something creative now. I am also enjoying actually knowing what I want to eat and having the desire to cook. I am so thankful to the LORD for helping me to find a "new normal"!!!

Update on my life...

            I thought it was time to give you each an update on what is going on in my life. Since the beginning of the year I have felt like the Lord has been guiding me on a path out of Texas. When I moved here over 3 years ago I never wanted to stay. I only stayed after Jimmy went to be with Jesus because I did not want to make a huge decision in the "thick of my grief" so to speak. So I stayed as to not make a hasty decision and found a job at a work program for intellectually disabled adults.

            I have learned so much while at this job. People who are intellectually disabled have to be some of the most accepting individuals in the world. They love me no matter what and accept me even on my bad days. They are some of the most loving and positive people I have ever met. They have taught me that my circumstances should never get me down, that I should always give people the benefit of the doubt and to love no matter what! They really are so amazing!!

            The people I serve in this job are amazing however the staff I work with are nothing like the clients. Due to the work environment that has been getting worse since April I find myself in a position where I can no longer accept the way they treat the staff and the clients. So I will no longer be working there as of the end of the month. Praise God for Him making this clear to me.

            Also in April there was a huge change in my life, I met a wonderful man online (yes online again)! He is also a widower, lives near Nashville TN, retired from the military, loves the Lord far more than anyone else and his name is Joel. We were talking for 5 months before I went to meet him in person and we both knew right away that this was the start of something special.

            I will be moving to Tennessee November 1st or 2nd (had to be flexible for the moving company)! For those of you that don't know Jimmy and I had planned on settling in Tennessee due to the fact that it was in between our parents. I feel as though the Lord was preparing me for this even back when Jimmy and I talked about where to eventually move and settle.

            Joel and I knew that we were compatible right away even talking on the phone. We balance each other out very well. We even feel that we are even more compatible with each other than we were with our former spouses which can only be done through the Lord! When meeting in person we each knew right away that we were meant to be together.

            I have also decided that I want to go back to school to peruse a master's in Social Work to then later get licensed to be a therapist. I know that the Lord has brought me through so much in my life and it will be used for His purpose and His glory! I am still deciding if I want to be a counselor in a school or for the military, so please pray for the Lord's direction in this area in my life.

            For those of you that are in Texas I would love to meet up with you before I leave the area. I will try to set up a time for me to meet up with many of you at once before I leave. As for those of you in Pittsburgh my plan is to visit for Christmas!

 

Prayer requests:

Direction in our relationship

Direction as to when to look for a job and when to start classes for my masters

Peace and safety in the move

My continued reliance on the Lord

Selling Jimmy's car (this will help pay for the move)

What a sad & emotional day...

Today my wonderful husband would have turned 35, I am sure this number does not mean anything in Heaven. To me this means that there is one more birthday without him, a day to celebrate the life he so fully lived here, a day where tears flow freely, a day where the cycle of grief overwhelms me again & a day that I am grateful to "check" off the calendar. It is very hard to remember him now, hard to remember the "little" things he did to make me love him, the wonderful smile he had, the way he would love to annoy me (I am thankful that he did annoy me because that was a way for him to show his love), the toothbrush left on the counter with the toothpaste to match in the sink, the way he loved our "son" I mean cat ;)....there is so much I am forgetting!!

There are times when I see other people's pictures and it makes me sick to my stomach. What comes to my mind is..."why does this person get to have their husband and their kid(s)?" "why do I not get the 'dream'?" "why not me Lord?" I have gotten to the point that I don't even look at most people's pictures on facebook anymore due to the fact that it starts a whole emotional rollercoaster for me. It seems so unfair that they get to have what I always wanted and I am "stuck" with being a widow...for real WHY Lord? I know it isn't for me to question...but I do!

It is so hard to go through a day like today and not question what is going on in my life. How can such an amazing man of God be taken away so suddenly like that? Why not a husband who beat his wife? Why not a man who did drugs? Why not a man who was drinking while driving? Why not anyone else other than MY husband? This questioning gets me nowhere though. It just leads me down a road that is a dead end. Because I am not meant to know the answer to any of my questions at least for the time being if not until I am in Heaven with the Lord and Jimmy.

I am learning that I need to be content right where I am even though it is not  the path I would have chosen for my life. God is still good, He is still with me no matter if I think about turning my back on him or not, the Lord loves me no matter what, He loves me more than anyone (including Jimmy) ever could! However it is still a conscious choice to turn to Him, love Him, follow Him & trust Him every day!! We all have this choice, there are times that we chose to go our own way instead though. I have found that His yoke really is easy and His burden is light. All we have to do is choose to follow Him and trust Him not ourselves!   

Being needed...

While I was at work today there was a resident that came up to me and put his hand out to reach for me. I put my hand out and held his hand, he then pulled my arm close to his body as if hugging it. I then asked him if he needed a hug and he said yes, so I gave him a hug. He held me so tight as if I was going to leave or something. It made me feel so needed and wanted I can't even explain how much joy filled my heart.

In the past month or so I have been feeling like I have no purpose at this job anymore or maybe even in life. To be honest I was really feeling like I would never have a purpose again. I was starting to feel like no matter what happens I will always end up with pain and sorrow in my life. It can be hard to see any blessings when your entire life seems to be one hardship after the next.

Today I was reminded that my purpose is to glorify God be loving his people. There are times when his people are the very people that I have no desire to love. I wish I could say that it is always easy for me to love God children but some people that call themselves Christians are the biggest hypocrites. The Lord is teaching me that He has called me to love even those that I would see as "unlovable."

I just need to allow the Lord to teach me how to love all of His children. I have been asking Him to allow me to see others they way that He sees them.  I just want to be more like Christ and I know this is part of what needs to change in my life in order for me to be more like Him. Something else that the Lord has brought to my attention is that I have to put Him first no matter what. I still don't understand why this is such a hard lesson for me to learn but it sure is! Please pray for this with me.  

13 Months Down & A Lifetime to go...

Every other month as the 15th was approaching I would become more depressed and anxious. This month I was not nearly as depressed or anxious. So I thought that today would not be that bad however it was a very stressful day. On the bright side today was not all about me thinking about not having Jimmy with me.

I am thankful that my mind was not focused on what I have lost that is a huge blessing!!  I do miss Jimmy very much but I find myself not really focusing on that as much anymore. I am happy that Jimmy is in a better place, that he has no pain, that he can eat whatever he wants, he can sing at the top of his lungs...and so on. He is so happy that I can't even imagine how happy he is.

I have learned so much about myself in the past 13 months. I am much stronger than I thought I was but only through the strength of Christ! I am the type of person that likes things to be easy, normally when things are not easy I run the other way. I don't like to not be in control, it causes a lot of anxiety for me when I don't know what comes next. It is hard for me to trust anything without knowing the plan and also accepting the plan.

{ Things I need to work on }

Trust -- on God and authority

Staying when things are not as I planned

Letting go of my plan

Leaning on God for my strength

{ Please join me in praying for God to help me in all of these areas. }

One year down and a lifetime to go...

I really can't believe it has been a year without the love of my life. I remember thinking that this day would never come. Yet here it is July 15, 2012...I feel a bit speechless. On one hand I just want this day to be done and over with on the other hand I am sitting on the beach looking out at the water thinking I need to enjoy this as much as possible.

at 7am I was woken up to no power in my room therefore I was sweating when I woke up...I look at this as God's way of telling me to not sit and wallow in my room all day long. So I came out to the beach to write this long awaited blog post. I feel a sense of calm and peace as I sit here alone with the beautiful wind blowing against me & the smell of the salt water in the air. Thank you Lord for this peace!

As I was driven to this resort I could not help but think that Jimmy would have loved the adventure of the hour long drive over bumpy roads all while dodging bikers, horses and the occasional oncoming bus. He would have seen this as fun, I saw this as miserable due to my motion sickness but I tried to make the best of it by talking to the guy sitting next to me that worked for the travel company.  This is also something Jimmy would have done...talk to anyone and everyone. I find myself doing that more and more, talking to strangers. I am gaining the love of others that he had and I am very thankful for that. Again I praise God for changing my character as there is much to be changed in me.

On Friday I went to a memorial lunch in honor of Jimmy it was so hard for me to go however I think it was good for me to be able to talk to people that could reminisce about who he was with me.  This lunch was at his workplace which is connected to the hospital where he died. I can't even explain the hurt in my heart when I saw that hospital again. As I drove there I had 2-3 small panic attacks and cried almost the entire way in the pouring down rain. I am blessed that I made it alive...praise God again He has kept me safe this year!!

I think that today is not going to be as bad as Friday was as that day felt more like the one year anniversary as he died on a Friday. I am going to make the most of this trip and honor Jimmy by going outside of my character a little bit and being adventurous. We will see what I translate that to...maybe just taking some of the classes offered here, maybe finding some kind of tour I can go on or maybe skydiving...ha ha.  We shall see.

Please be praying that I do whatever the Lord has for me, I change whatever I need to in order to become more like HIM, that I deal with anything that the Lord wants me to deal with and that my heart is put back together by HIM and HIM alone. Pray that I let HIM guide my next step onto whatever HE has for me. I want to be in HIS will not my own.

The person I want to be...

Recently I went out to lunch with a friend and before we left they asked me if it was ok if we prayed before we left the restaurant. It was such a blessing to me, not only being prayed for but also because it made me start to think about the person I want to be. There have been many times when I said that I would pray for someone then I go home and forget out it. I do not want to be that person.

Sometimes I put off meeting with people and sometimes I just don't feel up for it but other's I use the "I'm an introvert" excuse. Now I do understand that this is how God made me and I have to be sensitive to that however I can't seclude myself either.

{ So I started thinking about who I really want to be }

•I want to be the person that prays with people on the spot instead of putting it off for later.

•I want to be the fun person that others want to be around.

•I want to be healthy Spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.

•I want to be a person that you don't have to wonder what they are thinking.

•I want to be the person who's yes is yes and no is no.

•I want to be the person that sees everything in a positive light.

•I want to be the person that loves God so much that people will never have to ask if I am a Christian.

•I want to love all of God's people even if I do not really want to love them.

•I want to be the person that is always there for others in their time of need.

I am not sure how I need to go about becoming this person. I am specifically asking all of you to pray about this for me. I know God is trying to make me a new me. So I am going to Him in prayer regarding this and am asking you to do the same. It is my hope that within the next few months that the Lord will show me how to become the person He wants me to be.

Thank you all for your prayers in advance, I don't know where I would be without the love, prayers and support of all of you!! 

Operation getting healthy...seeing improvement

On the exercise front...

I did the walking video Monday-Friday this week which equals 5 miles. I also decided to go to a Zumba class on Saturday as well. I joined a gym last year and have not actually used the membership yet. I think it is about time to use that membership! I have increased the amount of sets in the strength training also.  I actually did 50 pushups (on my knees) on Friday morning...wow do my arms hurt. ha ha

Zumba was fun but WOW do you get workout in hour of Zumba!!!  I was dripping with sweat but feel great afterwards!!! I will be going every Saturday now and I might start going on Friday night as well once I get used to going on Saturdays :)

So what everyone has been waiting for...the numbers...ha ha! I am down 5 pounds from a week and a half ago!!! I am so excited...and want to keep it up so that the pounds just keep coming off!!

On the emotional front...

I have been doing pretty well in this area, Praise God!! Therapy is still going well I am so thankful for that as well! I have had very few melt downs lately and I praise God for that as well. As the one year anniversary keeps creeping up I am getting a little more anxious about what comes next. I am praying for more healing and a fresh new start after that awful anniversary.

On the Spiritual front...

I have been praying more and more...thank you for your prayers on this front because they sure are helping! I do need to start reading the Bible more and I feel convicted to be memorizing Scripture please continue to pray for this. I have also been going to Church more and am feeling refreshed by going...Praising God for this as well!!

On the Creative front...

I have not done much this week but I don't feel like I have to stay away from being creative and that is a huge step for sure!!

Update on getting healthy...

Thank you all for your prayers especially the last 3-4 weeks!! I was so sick with that sinus infection that I was given 3 rounds of antibiotics and then finally 6 days of steroids also. After all of that and tons of rest and time off of work I finally am feeling better. I don't think that I am 100% yet but close to it! Due to being sick I stopped working out daily as to not run my body down anymore. I did well with food choices though as I was not in the mood to eat :)

So an update on being healthy...

Physically: I did not work out the past 2 weeks but this week I did a mile on Tuesday and Thursday. Now that I did that and do not feel sick or run down I will start on Monday doing one mile each weekday. This means that I will be getting up at 4:30am in order to work out and get ready for work in time. Please pray for me to not get sick again and also to get enough sleep to help my immune system recover.

I also started taking my vitamins again as I had stopped after Jimmy's passing. When he was alive I would put all of his meds into a pill container on Sunday so that he did not forget to take any of his pills. So when I no longer had a need to do this I forgot to take my own vitamins. So due to that and all the stress that I was under my immune system took a huge hit. I am trying to build my immune system back up now by taking my vitamins, exercise and getting enough rest.

Emotionally: I started therapy 3 weeks after Jimmy's departure to Heaven and that has been a huge help. My therapist is a widow herself so she truly understands where I am coming from and tells me often that I am normal. It has been such a blessing to be able to talk to someone that understands and knows that what I am going through is awful. I feel that emotionally I am doing much better than even 2 months ago. Praise God for His healing!!

Spiritually: The last three weeks that I have been sick I have not gone to Church, I am so happy to actually feel like going to Church tomorrow. I need that connection with God and while I can read the Bible and study on my own and pray at home as well, there is a need to worship Him with others as well. So tomorrow I will be in Church again...praise God for healing me physically in order for me to be able to go back to Church.

Creativity: I actually felt creative in the past week!! I am so excited that I actually wanted to make something look pretty! I got a spiral notebook from the dollar store and wanted to turn it into a prayer journal. Here is the outcome...

Then I while back a great friend got me a spiraled index card notebook to use for Scripture memorization and I decided to make it pretty too...

Ten Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

Psalm 23:3

He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

As I listened to my iPod on the way home last night I heard the song"When God Made You" which is the song that Jimmy and I danced to at our wedding. I was flooded with memories of our wedding and that dance. I can remember the way that he looked at me as I walked down the aisle to him, I can remember the smile on his face as we danced, I can remember the look in his eyes as we talked for the first time that day...the list goes on. If I had heard that song a month ago and all of these memories flashed before me I would have had a complete meltdown.

When I heard it yesterday I was filled with love and joy. I had been told that one day I would be able to remember Jimmy without all the pain of that dreadful day at the hospital. It looks like that is starting to happen. As I remembered our wedding day I was filled with the joy that I felt on that day, of course it is a bit different now that Jimmy is not physically here with me. However his love is and always will be in my heart. Due to this love I am able to feel the joy that I felt on that very day.

I am amazed and overwhelmed at how the Lord restores my heart and soul. I never thought that I would be able to think about Jimmy or our life together without feeling very deep pain...but here I am feeling the love and joy that I felt on our wedding day what a huge blessing. And to think it only took ten months! I thought that the pain would be my life forevermore, however God knows what is best for me and He chose to start to heal my heart. He is such an amazing God!!

Today as I remember my wonderful husband I am filled with joy, love, admiration and also with some hurt & pain. I am so thankful that I am able to draw close to God and that He will just open up His arms and let me rest in Him. What a great God we serve!!!

I do understand that I will still have meltdowns from time to time, all the pain is not gone, that my heart is not fully healed yet, that I will have times where I don't feel the love and joy however I know that this is getting to be less and less. I am so thankful to God for His healing, for His mighty love for me, for His understanding, for never leaving me or forsaking me!! I was so angry that He took Jimmy yet He loves me no matter what!

Please keep praying for Him to heal my heart, for Him to draw me closer to Himself, for me to rely on Him and not my feelings, for me to be healthy and for a desire to be healthy & for Him to guard my heart. I know He is hearing your prayers and I thank each and every one of you that have been and are praying for me. Each one of you holds a special place in my heart!

Waves of Grief

Now that I am almost ten months past Jimmy's exit to Heaven I am seeing how grief is like the waves of the ocean.

Have you been in the ocean when the water is really rough and there are a lot of waves? As the wave hits you, you are taken under and you can either struggle against the wave or you can let it take you out knowing that it will let you up again at some point. When you get hit by one sometimes you are able to stand up before the next one hits you but then other times you are not even able to stand before the next one hits you. In the beginning of the grief process the waves of grief come at you hard knocking you down just as hard. There are times when you don't have even one second to "pull yourself together" before the next wave hits even harder. Then there are times when you have a few hours or even days before the next hard wave hits. As each waves hits you it takes you under as if trying to keep you down. You start to believe that this will be your reality for the rest of your life, the life being taken out of you by each wave.

As time goes on the waves of grief seem to be more like water that could be called moderate when the waves come but not as hard or as often. You will be taken down by the waves however they will not keep you down for near as long and they will not be quite so frightening. Since they are not coming as often you have time to stand up in between the waves. The grief comes over you at times that sometimes you expect and others you don't expect. During this time it comes over you on days that were special to you and your loved one like anniversaries, holidays and so on. Then there are times when it comes at very unexpected times such as when you remember a great memory with them, or you smell their "smell" unexpectedly. At least now you have time to catch your breath before the next waves takes you under.

As you come to a point where you are even further away from the day you lost your loved one the waves of grief seem to get even further apart and much less strong. You always have time to pull yourself together and catch your breath in between the waves. Most of the time the waves hit at times when you don't expect them and you are taken by surprise but at this point you know it will not last forever as you felt in the past. You seem to have more good days than bad ones, and even start to think that maybe just maybe your life will be good again. But as the waves of the ocean are always coming you know that your grief has not come to an end, you are just learning to cope with it in a much better way.

There will come a day when you look back and think wow I have not been taken down by a wave in a long time. (I personally am not at this stage yet however I know it will come one day) The waves no longer knock you down each time they come and they come less and less. At times you can even stand while the waves comes upon you which makes catching your breath that much easier. You have far more good days than bad and start to live out the life in which God created you for, the life that you thought would never be good again. At this point you might only cry once a year when the anniversary of your loved ones departure from this earth comes around again.

You see the waves of the ocean are a great analogy for the grief process, they never stop and God is in full control of the waves. Even though grief gets easier it will never go away fully. You will always love the person you lost and there will always be a place in your heart for that person therefore the grief will not go away it will just get less and less as the waves in the ocean clam when God clams them. Time does not heal your wounds, time just makes it easier to not think about that awful day ever time you close your eyes. Nothing here on earth will every heal any of your wounds, it is ONLY God who can and will heal your wounds if you let Him. God will pick up the pieces of your heart and put them back together in His time, but He will never force that healing onto anyone. You have to be a willing participate in this healing. God is right there holding out His hand asking you to reach out to Him and let Him be in control of your life. He wants to hold you through this awful pain but you have to seek Him.

So the choice is...stay in your pain, turn to a person here on earth that will one day leave you also, turn to chemicals to help you cope with the pain...turn away from God. OR turn to God and let Him, the healer of all healers, put your heart back together. Will there still be scars on your heart from where it was put back together...yes. But those scars will give you the unique ability to help others through the pain when their heart is broken also. How beautiful is that!!

Update on being healthy

4:30am comes very early especially when you are exercising at that crazy hour of the day. I was able to do a walking work out Monday-Thursday this week. I would have done it on Friday and Saturday also but I found out that I have a sinus infection. I was feeling awful on Thursday but I tried to go to work on Friday anyway and sure enough I was not able to make it through the entire day. I went to the doctor and she put me on antibiotics and told me to rest. I have been taking the meds and resting, however I still don't feel much better. Please pray that these symptoms go away soon as I need to work tomorrow. Also pray that I start back to exercising once this infection goes away.

On the spiritual side...

I have been praying more and I now feel closer to God. I now understand that it was me that was not close to God not Him moving away from me. I still need to work on reading His word more. I want to seek Him in everything I do and in all areas of my life. I ONLY want what HE wants for me. Please pray that I seek His will no matter what and that I find the time to read His word more often.

On the creative side...

Still have not felt like doing ANYTHING creative. I guess this will just take lots of time to get back to my creative side. Please keep praying that my creative abilities come back in some form.

Thank you all for your prayers and support...you are very much appreciated!