Purple Roses for my Birthday

As my birthday is just hours away I find myself feeling very anxious. I always loved my birthday and would start a count down on Dec 2 just to make sure that everyone remembered. Now I wish I could skip February 2nd all together. The closer it comes the more I want to run away and hide for the day...well the whole month. All the "firsts" of this year are going to be awful and I know it is something that I have to deal with...knowing that does not make it any easier though. I just want to have my husband back....or be in Heaven with him. I don't want to celebrate anything including my birthday.

For the past week my students have been reminding me of my birthday. They are all excited enough for me and them! So as I am at work I have to play the part of being excited with them...and while that seems like what is "normal" for me it also feels very foreign. I feel like I just want to stay in bed for the entire day and not see anyone tomorrow. However my reality is that I have to go to work...so I am going to try and make the best of it. I went to Sam's today and got cupcakes for everyone and while I was there I saw some beautiful purple roses (my fav) and I knew they were meant for me. Jimmy would come home with flowers a day or two before my birthday just to be able to surprise me. I feel like they were a gift from him because they were the only purple roses in the store.

Please keep praying that the Lord starts to heal my heart and for Him to give me a peace that surpasses all understanding...February is really going to be a very hard month for me. My birthday, Valentine's Day, the 15th & leap day (the day Jimmy and I met 4 years ago)...right now it seems there is no end in sight.

6 Months down & a lifetime to go

I never would have imagined that today would be harder than what I faced 6 months ago. The realization that Jimmy has been gone from this earth for half a year is so overwhelming to me. On one hand I feel like it was just yesterday that he was here with me then on the other hand I feel like it has been forever since I heard his say "you're the best wife in the world." I can't still hear the words...but only if I try really hard. I am starting to forget things...like how he looked when he first woke up, and how excited he got about a new airplane movie coming out, the sound of his laugh, the look on his face when he loved what I cooked for dinner...the list goes on. Oh how desperately I don't want to forget him...yet it is inevitable that I will forget certain things. There is no way to stop it.

A few days ago I went to his clothes, that hang in the spare bedroom closet now, and I realized that they no longer smell like him. I can't even explain the melt down that I had, I completely lost it. Everything is being stripped away one piece at a time in my life. And now that includes the smell of Jimmy. This realization is heart wrenching. Not only is my husband not here...not I don't have anything left that smells like him. The only thing left are the memories...which I can't even think about and be happy yet.

On Thursday I had to take a detour due to an accident.  This detour took me right past the restaurant where Jimmy and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary. At this point in my journey of grief I am a pro at driving while having a melt down because that is where most of them happen. I got so angry that not only would I be late for work but that I also had to have this pain brought up again. I wish that I could think of him and be happy...and sometimes that is what happens...but instead most of the time I get so angry that the Lord took away the best husband on earth. Well on Thursday I got angry...and I told God just how I felt about the way my life is now. Thank God He will never turn His back on me, because after my little rant I would have turned my back on me!

I am dealing with anger a lot these days. I am angry because this is my life, I am angry because I feel like I not only lost Jimmy but I lost myself, I am angry that I have no family in TX with me, I am angry when no one remembers how bad of a day the 15th is for me...I could go on forever it seems. I am at a crossroad...let the anger overtake me or give everything over to God once again. I am not quite at the point of letting God have it all yet. I want to be angry...I want to break something...I want to push every person out of my life....why? I finally came to the realization as to why.

I don't want to go through the pain of losing someone I love again. Therefore if I push everyone out I will never have that problem again. The problem is I never have the love again either. But right now I do not believe the saying "better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all"...I would rather be alone than go through this pain ever again! I loved Jimmy with all that I have and he loved be back in the same way. How precious the love we shared. I just wish I could remember the wonderful memories without being so angry and sad. I am sure that one day that will come. I just wish it was now!

Pain

I came to a realization today while I was in Church...

                1. The fact that I understand that the LORD has the best plan for me no matter what does NOT mean that it takes away my pain of losing my husband.

          2. Without going through the pain I would not become the person that the LORD wants me to be. The pain is how HE is making more like HIM and into the person who HE wants me to be.

What I deal with everyday...

                1. Jimmy loved Jesus more than me and is very happy to be in Heaven with him.

            2. Jimmy no longer has to suffer here on this Earth with the rest of us.

            3. The plan that the LORD has for me is far better than anything I could ever dream of.

            4. Nothing will ever be the same on this Earth for me.

            5. I wake up every morning without Jimmy here.

            6. Half of me is gone...you really do not understand being one with someone until they are gone.

            7. I can't seem to be my "normal" self anymore...I forget everything, I can't keep my house clean, I have no desire to do anything artistic, I don't feel like cooking...and the list goes on.

            8. Max (my cat) still looks for his "daddy" and it breaks my heart every time.

            9. Jimmy's chair will always be empty.

            10. My entire future changed in the blink of an eye.

What I don't understand...

                1. Why people think that my life is back to "normal"

       2. Why people are shocked when I say my holidays were the worst I have ever had in my life.

       3. Why I can't make it through a Church service without crying the entire time.

       4. Why I don't have the desire to do the things that I once loved doing.

       5. Why in our culture we don't let people just grieve.

       6. Why do people think that  I am done grieving.

       7. How can people just forget about Jimmy so quickly.

       8. Why it feels like I am the only one who is still grieving the loss of Jimmy.

       9. Why it makes me sick to my stomach to see couples hold hands or sit next to each other.

       10. Why I have no desire to celebrate anything.

All of this brings pain...a lot of it. As I take the road through this pain it will make me not only closer to the Lord but also make me more like HIM. I don't know what that looks like in the end, I don't understand why all of this happened, I would not have chosen this...but for some reason this is what the LORD has chosen therefore I have to praise HIM no matter what. HE is the one that is good...not me. HE is there waiting to comfort me I just have to seek HIM even when I don't feel like it.

A New Year as a Widow

Starting a new year as a widow is something I never thought would happen until I was much older. Widow is a word that I have come to hate. Would I hate it so much if I was older? I have no idea. I know that it is something I thought I would never have to deal with at 31. I still have not been able to wrap my brain around the fact that on July 15th I started the day married to the best husband I could have asked for and then ended the day as a widow. maybe I am stuck there still I don't know. Being a widow has become something that has a very negative connotation for me now.

As I look ahead to the next month I am very overwhelmed by all the "firsts" I have to deal with. My birthday, valentine's day and leap day, Jimmy and I met on leap day 2008. February is going to be a very difficult month and I am not really looking forward to the month even coming. I normally would be so excited for my birthday that I would let everyone know when it was 3,2 &1 month away. I am not excited for any holiday at all.

I am starting to not really feel like myself at all. Is it depression? Is it just grief? Is it my new "normal"? Sometimes I wish I could feel like my normal self again...the only problem is that I will never be that person again. Today on the news I heard a reporter say "the family is grieving instead of celebrating" (this was due to a woman that was killed on New Year's Eve) why do people only think about those that lost a loved one very recent during the holidays? No one is ever the same after they lose a loved one. It does not matter how many days, weeks, years or decades that pass each day and especially holidays will never be the same. There is an ache that will never leave you as long as you live. There will always be a place in your heart that is not the same due to the fact that that person is not there. Like a missing puzzle piece...you can't finish the whole puzzle due to the fact that just one piece is missing.

It is not just one person that is missing in my life...my entire future that I thought I had is missing. I thought I would be married for 50+ years, have kids, grandkids, retire together...part of my identity is gone not just Jimmy. How do you go on with your life when your entire identity has changed? I no longer am married I am a widow. I no longer have the dream of being a mother just the longing to be someone's mommy. I no longer have the dream of growing old with Jimmy, just to grow old by myself.

I am starting to feel like I am so alone and always will be. I know that the Lord is always there with me, I am starting to just not feel like He is really there. All of these holidays in a row have me feeling very down. I am still not sure how to get back up...I just feel like I am being knocked down over and over again. I am pretty sure the next year is going to be like that for me...at least if I expect it then when it happens I will not be caught off guard.

Please keep praying for me to heal and that I would feel the LORD close to me. I wish everyone understood that grief gets worse before it ever gets better...most people tell you that it will get better. I promise you I feel far worse today than I did on August 1st. I just wish it would all be over...oh how I wish that was possible.

LORD, help me to not feel alone. Please hold me in your hands and help me to feel your presence. Help me to learn every lesson you want me to learn. Teach me all that you have for me during this year, LORD.

Grief

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ShkqkQhGT8

This song sums up me feelings on this Christmas

Make Something Beautiful

Listen to the song too...

http://youtu.be/U28b350agHM

Make Something Beautiful ~ Laura Story



When Im at the point of breaking at the place where I resign,
And Im at the stage of shaking my head as I look back on my life,
When Im halfway through the grieving, but not quite through the ache,
When I cannot see the ending, Or which road Im supposed to take,
All i know to do is lift my hands to you..

Chorus:
Take all of my life, all of my life,
All I know to do is lift my hands to You.
And make something beautiful.
I open my hand, trusting Your plan.
Make something beautiful so all will see
Your work in me, as You make something beautiful


When Im tired of pretending, and I cant recall my lines,
Do I say, Im barely breathing., or just say, Im doing fine.
I admit there is a yearning, for the hurting to subside,
But not at the risk of missing what Your doing with my life
All i know to do is lift my hands to you

Christmas

While everyone else is out shopping for the perfect gifts or baking cookies with their families I still do not want Christmas to come. This week would normally be the most exciting week of the year for me yet this year I am dreading Christmas even coming. I hope that one day I will be excited about Christmas again but that will not be this year for sure.

As I sat in the airport just a few days ago I was feeling like Christmas should not even be coming at all. I was thinking that most of the people there where traveling to see their family and friends for the holidays and here I was wanting so bad to be in Heaven instead of anywhere on this earth. The question that keeps coming to mind is why did I not feel this way before Jimmy was in Heaven? Why did I not long to be in Heaven with Jesus regardless of who else was there with him?

I am to focus on the eternal not that of this world, yet I focused more on my earthly husband than I did on my eternal husband...Jesus. I promise you my heart is in Heaven now...and I feel so much like this world is NOT my home and never will be my home. Jimmy was the best husband I could have asked for however Jesus is perfect! Why do we forget that? Why do we forget that Jesus loves us far more than any human ever could? The only thing we have to compare it to is those here on earth...but Jesus will NEVER let you down, He will NEVER say the wrong thing, He will NOT hurt you...He ONLY wants the best for you and me.

Even though I do NOT want this Christmas to come Jesus knows that and is right there beside me even though I didn't want it to come! I have to lean on Him no matter what...Jesus is unchangeable, He is the only constant in anyone's life. It makes more sense to lean on Him than to lean on any human...He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. Thank You LORD for loving me enough to carry me through this very hard time in my life. You are AMAZING!!!!

My Needs

As I talked to my friend last night I realized that I have not let myself feel for the last 2 months. I have put up these walls around me...work, people, internet..DISTRACTION!!! Anything that helps me to keep my mind off of the fact that I am in pain. So many people will tell you that you NEED to be busy, that you NEED to do something to keep your mind off of your loved one. I don't want to take my mind off of Jimmy...especially not during Thanksgiving and Christmas. Why do people think that THEY know what is best for me? If I want to spend a day by myself even a holiday then that is what I am going to do...end of story! I really felt like I should spend Thanksgiving alone but due to the fact that so many people told me I should not be alone I felt that they knew better than I did. But I NEED to be able to take the time to remember Jimmy and to grieve.

There are 2 things that I really cannot deal with hearing from anyone...

1. How are you?...if you really want to know then ask if you don't want to hear that my life sucks right now then don't ask!!

2. I understand or I know how you feel...NO YOU DON'T!!!  First of all if you did not lose your spouse you can't even begin to imagine how it feels to  literally have half of you gone, second if you lost someone that is much older than you as in a grandparent it is not the same due to the fact that it is the natural order of life. You have not walked even one day in my shoes so please don't try to think you have.

So I am telling you what I know I NEED not what you think I NEED...please don't ask me how I am especially right now...Christmas is almost here and all I want this year is to have Jimmy back...how do you think I feel? I also don't NEED you telling what you think I NEED because you are not me and you can't possibly know what is best for me. And last but NOT least...do NOT tell me you know how I feel or that you understand what I am going through...You can't understand everything that Jimmy and I went through during our time together therefore you can't even begin to understand how I now feel without him.

There are going to be days that I NEED to be left alone, so I might not answer the phone or email you back it does NOT mean that I don't like you or don't ever want to talk to you again, it simply means I need space and time to heal that day. I might not want to do anything on Christmas and that is ok...this is about my healing NOT about what is best for someone else! Please don't be offended when I am moody during these holidays, it sucks to be in this place right now.

I really just want to crawl into a hole and hibernate until about July 16, 2012 yet this will NOT make anything better because when I got up it would still all be there to deal with...every emotion under the sun. I still feel like my emotions are bipolar at times and it is irritating. But this is something that I have to learn to deal with I guess...Lord help me.

                                                                                                                                                     

5 Months Down and a Lifetime to Go...

Today marks 5 months without my wonderful husband...it seems like yesterday that he kissed me goodnight yet it seems like he has been gone forever. I am learning to see things in a new way, when I see an airplane instead of falling apart I smile and think "Jimmy will always be here with me." When Max curls up next to me in bed, sometimes I still get irritated but most of the time I remember that Jimmy always said "his purring puts me to sleep." That is why Jimmy liked to have Max sleep right beside him on the bed. Instead of thinking all the time how terrible it is that I don't have Jimmy with me anymore I think how blessed I am that I got to spend 2 years married to him and another year getting to know him. He helped to make me who I am today, he was so much more like Christ than me and he helped me to be more like HIM too. I am so thankful that he loved me so much that it mattered to him that my character be more like Jesus.

Do I still have times when I am angry, irritated at the world & depressed? YES! Almost every day I have at least one of these feelings/emotions. I would like for a day without bipolar emotions, without moments of hopelessness, a day without crying, a day without memories that bring pain, a day without the feeling that something is lacking...and the list goes on. Some people think that grieving is over within 6 weeks, 3 months, 6 months, a year...I promise you it does not end in this amount of time. When someone dies those that are left behind will never be the same. I deal with the fact that Jimmy is in Heaven every single day! I am left without my husband, without the future we planned, without his laughter and sense of humor, without his sweet smile, without...without...without. The thing that you have to understand is that when you lose someone that you love who was a huge part of your life your life does not go back to "normal" because now there is a piece missing. And when that loss was not expected, was before the person's time or someone that was very young it is even worse. In your mind and your world they were never supposed to die when they did. It is the hardest thing that I have ever gone through in my life. And to be honest I hope and pray that I never have to go through anything harder...

It is a choice every day to not give into being angry, irritated & depressed. All of these emotions come at me every day, I have to choose to not let it consume me. I have to choose to focus on the Lord and not let the despair consume me. We are all faced with this kind of choice each day. When someone cuts you off in traffic do you get angry at them and yell at them even though they will never hear you, or do you pray for them and ask God to make their day better and for their safety? When you are irritated because you have to stand in a long line as you are shopping last minute do you take it out on the cashier or do you treat them as you would want to be treated? When a situation in your life does not go your way do you give into depression or do you seek the Lord's will in your life? You see it does not take grief to have each of these emotions we all face the possibility of them each and every day. It is our choice to either let them consume us or to let it go and let the Lord do what it is that He wants to do in your life. It should not take the loss of a loved one for us to turn our life over to God, sometimes it just does take that and He is asking you why did it take that in the first place? It is time to open up your hands and let go of all the hurt, pain, anger, depression, short temper and so on...it is time to let your hands and heart be filled with Jesus! Let Him have control of your life, that is how it was meant to be in the first place. Stop trying to make sure everything in your life turns out the way you want it and trust (rely on with confidence of the outcome) on Jesus!

Blessings

This week at work I was privileged to be able to see 2 Christmas programs from local schools (and I get to see 2 more next week)! They came to Brookwood to sing for our citizens!! It was great to see the kids from these schools come out and interact with our citizens...they were so caring and respectful. The students that came were from public schools yet they sang CHRISTmas songs!! It is so great to see the real meaning of CHRISTmas even from the students at a public school. Yet again I feel so blessed with the job that the Lord himself has placed me in!

I also want to say that Max in the most loved cat ever. He has 5-7 people that ask about him every day. And now that they understand that I will be in Pittsburgh for Christmas they all want to know who is going to take care of him while I am gone. They are so sweet and caring, they even care about my furry son :)

Choosing to see the positive

For those of you that know me you know that at times I can be very patient then with other things I tend to have absolutely no patients at all. Today the heat was finally fixed in my workshop after 2 days  without it. This morning the temperature was down to 47 on the inside...yikes! My hands and nose felt as though they were going to fall off. I was frustrated with the fact that it felt like Pittsburgh on the inside of the building...my lack of patience.  Due to the fact that it felt like the north pole in our workshop we all went over to the cafeteria where we watched Christmas movies.

While we were there one of the men that I serve wanted to play solitaire, he is 70 half blind and half deaf, watching him play takes patience all in itself. So then I put the cards out to play a game myself, he sat there with me as I played. As I went through the cards over and over again I got frustrated that I could not do anything else. Then as I went through one more time he said "stop"...he saw that I could move a few cards around and get a little further in the game.

I think that the Lord is trying to teach me a few things lately and patience is at the top of the list I guess. My choice of how to look at my situation is also something that the Lord is teaching me. That same 70 year old man had a situation where last Saturday where he slumped over in his wheel chair and was very confused. I went with him to the clinic and had flash backs of when Jimmy was in the hospital on July 15th. It was so hard to be there with him as they went through triage right there in the clinic. As it turns out there was nothing wrong, every test that they preformed came back negative.

As I told a friend about this situation she said what if God let this happen while you were there to be with the man in order for you to go through it with a good outcome. Does God want me to understand that not everyone in my life is going to die? Does he want me to understand that His plan in the best? Does He want me to learn to fully trust HIM no matter what? I believe that the Lord does want me to look at each situation and trust Him and to believe that He will take care of me no matter what. Sometimes I just forget to think about my hard situations that way...instead I think about the fact that I am hurting, I didn't get my way or that I know what is best. But I don't!!

So I will choose to see every situation as God's plan and choose to see how it can be worked together for my good. I will choose to see the positive instead of the negative all the time. Thank you Lord for teaching me to see the world through your eyes and not my own.  

I am blessed with work

The Lord has given me a job that is so amazing. I just had to share with you  how much a blessing it has been to be there! The is a man who is probably in his sixties at least...he comes to find me and give me a hug everyday during his break. At first he just came to say hi and give me a hug, then he would bring me a tea bag to drink at night when I got home the last few times I have seen him he has brought me a picture he drew, then today he brought me a Christmas card (my first Christmas card of the season)!!  He is so sweet and now even asks about Max each day, he was so excited to see Max's picture today :)

In the past week there is another guy how is probably in his 30's who comes to me each morning and evening to pray with me. Before Thanksgiving he took my had and bowed his head and prayed to our Savior and asked Him to give me the strength to get through this Thanksgiving. He had no idea what this past 4 months has looked like for me yet the Holy Spirit led him not only to pray for me but also to pray for strength...how amazing!

God is so amazing...to bring these great men into my life. All of the people there are very loving including my other coworkers. Today I had lunch with the ladies I work with and we all shared what everyone brought it was like coming home to a family meal. Not only did the Lord give me these men that are new friends but He also gave me some new family to add to the rest :)

I am lucky

I just came to the realization that I have not had a panic attack in at least a month. After Jimmy passed away I was having small panic attacks at least once a day, I guess it is just another one of those things you have to deal with as a widow. I was sitting here thinking...I have not had one in quite awhile. The very first thing I did when I came to this realization was thank the Lord for HIS goodness! Maybe this means that I am not so overwhelmed anymore. I guess that is a good sign :)

I also came to another realization, I am more like Jimmy than I thought now. I was freaking out when the checking account went below $1,000...yes I typed that right...ha ha. I used to be the one that was just fine if the account was at $20 as long as we had food in the fridge and gas in the cars, but now I feel that feeling that I have to support myself like never before. As much as I don't like it I think it is good for me. I have never really been one to think about how much money it takes to support yourself. I just thought that if there was food and the bills were paid everything was ok...I never even thought about the future. Thank God Jimmy did!!! So now as I start this new job I am thinking about saving money and retirement also...guess it is time to grow up.

I have been reflecting on how much Jimmy taught me in the 3 1/2 years I knew him. He taught me to save money for retirement, to make sure there is enough money in the bank to take care of an emergency if needed, to be positive no matter what, to not complain under any circumstances, to love without conditions, to trust the LORD with everything, to pray without ceasing, to not worry about every little thing and the list goes on and on. One of the best things he taught me is to laugh and to make people laugh...it is medicine for the soul. Jimmy liked to make others laugh, it was like a mission for him. The Saturday before he passed away he was in rare form. I got to a point when I was like what is wrong with you today...he said I don't know. The funny thing is, most of the time when I would just be so annoyed I could not take it anymore I would say "that is enough" and he would stop...that day I never made him stop. Guess it was the Holy Spirit telling me to let him do it because I would miss it so much in just a few short months.

I was so lucky to be Jimmy's wife, Thank You LORD!!

Music is healing for the soul

These songs have really touched me the last few times I have heard them...just wanted to share them here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8JsRxVczm

Qhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8JsRxVczmQ

I'll be Home for Christmas

I'll be Home for Christmas,

So please don't be so sad.

This is the greatest Christmas

That I have ever had.

I'll be home for Christmas,

So please don't grieve too long.

In Heaven here with Jesus,

Is where we all belong.

The world is full of struggles,

No matter where you roam,

But please don't be discouraged;

The world is not our home.

I'll be home for Christmas,

And one day, so will you.

The angels all are waiting,

and I'll be waiting too.

~Alda Maria

This is the poem that goes with an ornament that I got today at the Family Christian Stores. I worked for this company for 5 years and every time I saw this ornament come in for Christmas it saddened me. It made me think about those out there that lost someone the prior year. I never thought that I would be that person that lost someone suddenly, but I knew when the tree was decorated yesterday that it was missing one ornament. There is someone in Heaven that should have been decorating this tree with me...but he is not this year or ever again. It does make me sad, yet it makes me happy that Jimmy is going to have the best celebration of Jesus ever this year. He does not need to be here to decorate the tree, or fill my stocking or see the snow in Pittsburgh he is Home. My heart longs to be with him, sometimes I imagine coming home to Jesus and my heart is filled with joy.

This is not going to be an easy Christmas for me...but it is the best Christmas for Jimmy. How I wish I could be there with Jesus, Jimmy and all the others that have gone before me, but the LORD is not done with me yet here on earth. I am asking for your prayers as we are now on this holiday season...there are so many in a row it is going to be a very hard time for me. It does not end after New Years, in February I will have to deal with my birthday, valentine's day & leap day (Jimmy and I met on Feb 29, 2008) this would have been the first time we could celebrate that anniversary together. To think about all these "special" days coming, makes me feel very overwhelmed. Please lift me up in your prayers.

Thank You all for your prayers and support...you are being the hands and feet of Jesus!